Welcome.

It is tough to be a Step, especially, when you want all children in household to subject to same rules, boundaries.

I am reading the book "Stepmonster" it has been very helpful (I read it out loud to FDH)

If your FDH seems a little sensitive to "criticism" about his princess perhaps he has a little of the guilty Dad syndrome.

Try to talk to FDH about establishing some structure to eliminate "future problems"

Best of luck!!

Deep breath darling… I understand your frustrations (especially the spoiling ) about the situation, it’s so hard to sit back and watch a child run wild while her family looks on with adoring eyes…

My question is how much room does your husband give you as far as disciplining her..? Are you seen as an authority figure in her eyes..? If so, maybe you could start some heavy “boot camp” parenting when she is with you, even if her dad and grams aren’t 100% on board at least she would be getting some guidance from someone..?

I know that our BM spoils the CRAP out of the boys… like you said, they can DO NO WRONG!!! They are perfect, sweet little babies (still treats them both like they are infants even though they are 3 and 6) who get coddled into brat like behavior when they spend any amount of time with her.

But when they get home to DH and I… you better believe the rules are different.
And gawd willing… hopefully some of it is being stored away somewhere in their mind so they won’t end up being spoiled, entitled young adults some day.

Good luck… keep on keeping on…

If I a nickel for every time this week DH said: poor kid's been through so much. He should stay home-No school! Oh, poor thing has a newly broken arm. Tripped while walking backwards...
So, how about a long board skateboard? And a new video game?

Do you really want a 5 year old to determine who your life partner should be??? That's where you are if you decide to leave him over this.

My partner has a 6 year old and she's real hellfire. I am on this forum *because* of his 3 kids. However, I love *him* and that life pledge means I *can* endure what these children throw at me with the support of others who are going through the same.

Books, counseling, ground rules, etc. -- get him to help you both become a great role models to these budding citizens. But you cannot do that if you look at his child as a threat. No, no, no. Accept that the love that he has for his child preceded you, is blood-thicker, and will endure his entire life. Then, view the troubles as what you have to put up with -- like other family members, even your own -- as part of a mature life. People have different relationships to children. They won't all see it as you do, so setting boundaries for yourself and being clear about what those are will be the way to go.

And take the space here on Step Talk to scream about it. I feel ya' on that!

I have been living with my BF and his two daughters, 7 & 10. I really enjoy his 10 year old, she is kind, polite, responsible, not perfect(of course), but very developmentally normal for her age. I do however have a problem with his 7 year old. She has been overly coddled and thinks that people have been placed on this earth to entertain and wait on her. Her mother has Schizoeffective Bipolar Disorder and treats her like she is 2. She gets them every weekend because she can't handle them more than that. I think the 7 year old's mother wants her to remain a baby and does not like the idea of her growing up. The relationship does not seem healthy: They sleep in the same bed with their mother, the youngest wears her mother's shirt to bed (which is very large) and treats it like it's a security blanket, their mother confides in the youngest about how much she misses her daddy (the oldest one won't listen to her anymore), the youngest still drinks out of a sippy cup and talks baby talk...it goes on and on. Then, to add insult to injury, my BF's mother babies them and constantly buys them everything. She caters to their every whim while she's with them. She sees them as being victims of the divorce and their mother's illness so she tries to make everything better by buying them stuff. Every day is Christmas around here.

I have four older children who are not perfect, but they are well-adjusted, self-sufficient, well-rounded people. I used to babysit and I have worked in a daycare. I see children and adults as individuals and treat everyone respectfully and fairly. From an outsider looking in I am seeing some really damaging role-reversals going on in families. We have children who are being catered to, not so much with love and attention, but with buying too many material possessions (you are a somebody if you have stuff), doing too much for them, being demanding and making all the rules and not respecting adults. Too many children are given too much control over the household because we are afraid they will be upset and unhappy if they do not get their way. Somewhere along the lines parents forgot who was in charge and let the children take over. Kids need discipline. Without it they are in control and underneath it all they don't really want that control. It makes them feel insecure, distrust and disrespect adults, and it plain makes them mean, nasty, narcissistic people who think the world owes them because they are so wonderful. Yes, we want our children to be confident, but do we also want them to think of nobody else but themselves? This world is not going in a good direction with a bunch of needy overindulged children in it. I will not have any success changing their grandmother or their mother (they think they are doing the right thing too), but hopefully I can stay strong enough to do what my BF and I feel is right for us and hopefully make a little bit of a difference. It sometimes feels like I am swimming against a strong current that wants nothing more than to pull me down.

Okay, back to the 7 year old. She does not seem to know what is expected of her especially with me, the evil live-in (SM :), who expects her to act her age and holds her accountable. It is a battle of the wills and I do find myself caring for her but not really liking her...and I feel bad about that. She has a learning disability as well and that doesn't help matters. She is academically very behind but is bossy and can throw out verbal insults as good as any adult. She could possibly have her mother's illness. But, given all of the circumstances, I cannot put up with nastiness and disrespect - not from anyone. None of this is going to be easy and I wonder sometimes if getting married into this situation is such a good idea. I wonder if I'm strong enough to handle it.

I guess all in all I just needed to vent and give myself a good talking to! I am SO relieved to see that everyone feels the same way here. Feeling like you don't like/hate your step child is a terrible, guilt-ridden burden to bear! We are ALL people though - and even though we are talking about children, they are people, and there are just some people we don't like! We don't have to like everyone. But we do need to be kind and respectful towards them nonetheless.

Thanks!

ATTENTION: ALL STEPMOMS WITH LITTLE PRINCESS PROBLEMS!!!
this was my last ditch effort and it worked marvelously, my SD12 lives full-time with me and husband and we all get along swimmingly now, but i had same problems as all of you 3 years ago. SD seemingly wanted daddy all to herself, daddy took it as a sign that he had failed her somehow and proceded to make every mistake in the book to protect and love his little precious. id get mad, hed get mad at me-i would lose. she would win. it took quite awhile for me to realize i couldnt change her-or him for that matter so i did the only thing i could, i changed myself. when SD would visit i would be as sweet and patient as possible, i would dote my attention on her instead of my husband-even when it hurt, i would encourage husband to spend special time with her. have them watch cartoons together, play in the yard, take her for lunch, go shopping, go for a walk, read her a story..etc, and i would always explain to him that she only got to see him every second weekend and needed as much of his attenetion as possible (gag-and smile!)then, to give him a break-i would do something special with her myself-without dad, like makeover(a favorite-we still do this) or play a game or watch a chick flick (not with daddy though-this is GIRL TIME!) anyways, it took about 3-4months for husband to grow weary and bored of his special time with little princess, all on his own he began saying "no" (shock), began disciplining her when she got out of line and suddenly had no problem showing affection to me whether she liked it or not. he missed me. i did not quit with the girl-time however, so i in term, became the hero to SD. to this day-they compete for my affection...long live the queen...lol. it is important, for this to work, that SD does not sense any jealousy from you, you must appear aloof-this will not only minimize her desire to compete with you but its a bit like playing hard to get with your husband too-men love challenge and mystery, he will choose you on his own. if this doesnt work however, your husband may be retarded-good luck!!!

Remember its not the children’s fault is there parents fault. We MUST remember they didn’t raise themselves. Yes they are little brats at times (most of the time) but its not there fault they were raised this way. The only thing you can do is try to fix them the best you know how and hope for the best.

I feel this 100%. Sometimes I can't stand my step son and just actually hate him, it's because he's so spoiled and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. My SO is also upset about his behaviour. We are at our wit's end and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. 

reading your post sounds exactly like my situation! My SO has a 5 year old girl, and she used to be the rudest kid I met, never replying when you talk to her, kicking the back of my chair when we are in the car, or staring at your without saying anything. I’ve tried to engage her and take interest in her education / toys / friends and she invited me to her birthday party this year. 

2 weekends ago my friends organised a lunch where I brought them along. Some days she is alright, but rude most of the time. Her dad makes up some lame excuse for it but also tries to teach her some manners. She ignored and refused to reply to my friends when they spoke directly to her, and threw my friend’s dog toys at my head, and when she said good bye she didn’t even look at my friends. I spoke to her firmly but politely in front of my friends asking her to look at my friends when they talk to her. 

I don’t have a clear and easy answer for you, but as adults I see myself as a coach for this child who apparently has a super shy BM and a dad who doesn’t care too much for her manners. I try to see the positive in her (not easy most days) but she does have some redeeming qualities. I suppose focus on the positive?