ADHD Spouse
Anyone else have a spouse with ADHD?
My DH was diagnosed with ADHD in childhood. He didn't tell me before we were married, although I figured it out because he was taking medication. He has since stopped taking his medication and I can't tell whether the things he is doing are because of his ADHD or because he's just being inconsiderate. I have asked him questions to try to help me understand. I have also suggested he consider going back on his medication or working with an ADHD coach. I have even said I want both of us to go to counseling with someone who works with adults with ADHD to help both of us work together to reduce resulting conflict.
Some things that drive me crazy:
1) He is constantly late for things. For example, if he's supposed to pick me up from something or meet me for something, I'll either give him a time or ask him when I can expect him. Sometimes, he will arrive hours late, because he thought of something he had to do on the way. He's even worse when he has his children because he'll use them as an excuse. For example, he'll say "I know I told you I'd be here 90 minutes ago, but the kids were starving, so I had to stop on the way."
2) He's forgetful, but only about certain things. If I need him to do something for me, I have to give him a million reminders. If not, he'll completely forget. But of course, he can remember things he's agreed to do for other people. He once forgot to pick me up at the airport and didn't answer his phone, so I took a cab home. He was with his children and "lost track of time."
3) He'll just wander off. He does this to me all the time. We'll be watching tv together and he'll tell me "I'll be right back", then he'll go upstairs and not return. This is even when he's picked out the show. I've found him upstairs asleep or upstairs watching a completely different show. Or he'll say "I'm just going to go out quickly to get X" and then be gone for four hours. I don't mind if he wants to do something else or if he needs alone time, but I can't stand it when he tells me he'll be back and then doesn't come back. I've told him that when he does things like that, it becomes difficult for me to ever believe him or to feel like I can rely on him.
4) He'll zone out. When he's watching tv, he can only watch tv. I have to turn off the television if I want him to listen to me or answer a question. I only talk to him during that time when it's something important (like reminding him that he needs to leave to get his kids home on time), so it's not as if I'm just making small talk. He always tells me "well, you know how I zone out", but I also want him to realize how he zones out and take responsibility for listening when it's important.
One of my SSs has been diagnosed with ADHD, but I honestly think it's the other one who has it. The one who has been diagnosed as having ADHD doesn't exhibit traditional symptoms. BM got him diagnosed and medicated after he started having meltdowns when she kicked DH out of the house. The other SS (the one who is not medicated) acts just like his father - zoning out, not remembering things.
I'm looking for coping suggestions or resources, not necessarily interested in comments about how I should just leave or how my marriage will end in ruins because DH isn't being responsible about his ADHD.
You can't anymore do anything
You can't anymore do anything to make him be more responsible than one can force an alcoholic to not be an alcoholic. That is all on your DH's shoulders.
As far as not leaving - then your choice is to learn how to cope with a DH that you cannot depend on. So do not depend on him. Don't expect him to pick you up or to do anything for you unless you are standing next to him. Don't expect him to return anytime soon when he leaves.
You cannot change him. He may or may not be able (or willing) to change himself. If you are committed to stay in this marriage then you are the person that needs to change - you need to change your expectations.
{Snort} I feel your pain.
{Snort} I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I was the ADHD spouse, unmedicated, with a lifetime of 'quirks.' Diagnosed in my late 40's just before BS-15 was diagnosed as "profoundly symptomatic" with ADHD (& other things). You can guess what our household can look like sometimes.
I found "ADDitude" magazine and website to be a helpful resource.
Adult ADHD is more difficult in some ways to manage since we've lived our lives this way and frequently don't realize how our behaviors impact others. You can always PM me.
I've been reading ADDItude
I've been reading ADDItude magazine and also found a blog written specifically for ADHD spouses.
The kicker is that sometimes I think I have ADHD - I leave a trail of clutter behind me and I'm a terrible procrastinator. My clutter drives DH crazy, which is a bit of an equalizer to the things he does that drive me crazy.
Most of that sounds like
Most of that sounds like nothing at all to do ADHD. Meh, ok, I'll give him tuning you out. But the rest? Nope.
He's being an inconsiderate butthead. Call him out on it. You are letting him use the ADHD as an excuse.
Just my 2 cents, but as a lady with ADD for over fifty years, I'm calling him out on this.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out. How much of his behavior is ADD an how much of it is him just being inconsiderate. If he honestly can't help himself, then I'll try to be sympathetic, but if it's just laziness, then I'll set and maintain my boundaries.
His whole family is notoriously late and forgetful, so I think part of that is a result of his family.
Sometimes, he'll tell me what is caused by his ADHD and sometimes he uses it as an excuse. I've told him that if he can't manage things, then maybe he should consider going back on medication.
The irony is that his ex wife uses his child's ADHD diagnosis as an excuse for everything (why the child can't behave, why the child never does his homework, etc) and it drives DH crazy. He always tells his son - you always have a choice to behave and to do your work and your ADHD doesn't take away your responsibility. Now, if only I could get him to do the same himself!
Your husband is rude. He is
Your husband is rude.
He is selective and does things that are important to him without consideration for you.
ADHD is no excuse or is it?
Sorry about this but sooner or later someone needs to dime him out.
I can't tell whether the
I can't tell whether the things he is doing are because of his ADHD or because he's just being inconsiderate
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Does it really matter? You are the one that suffers either way.
It seams like he has selective "issues". No issues with other people, just you. I would flip my lid with that crap. ADHD or no ADHD.
My SS has ADHD and he is not like that at all.
Not to be dismissive of his
Not to be dismissive of his condition..... however..... he is an adult and there is no excuse for his choices. Rather than going through some long convoluted search for a reason and solution I would recommend the direct approach. Inform him, don't discuss it, inform him that he immediately goes on his meds and stays on his meds and delivers as an adult or he chooses to leave.
Then hold him to that directive. Accountability is IMHO the only real tactic to address this. If he will not make the adult decision and be accountable for his decisions then he should be given a directive and expected to deliver on that directive. ADHD or not.
I completely understand that shit happens and sometimes anyone cam be overcome by events beyond their control. When that occurs respectful adults call and inform in a timely manner. He is not behaving as an adult, he does not get adult considerations.
Again IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
My DH has ADD. He's on meds
My DH has ADD.
He's on meds for it.
And if he goes off them, usually b/c he's put off getting his prescription filled (forgetful = YES, usual cause is not being able to focus in general) he's incredibly difficult to communicate with. And this isn't his fault. His brain simply works differently than our rational/ordered brains.
1) He's constantly late IF he doesn't get organized way, way before he has to be somewhere. And it's difficult for him to plan in the first place. I'll help him to a point and make suggestions for him, but it's on him to get his behind out the door in time. He can do this it just takes him much longer because his stuff is usually scattered around the house in 5 different places.
2) He's forgetful about a lot of things that he isn't concentrating on at the time. And once he focuses on a something it's all about that one thing. Yes, this is an issue with the SDs because he has a hard time when he wants to do something with them but they don't want to or it's not organized (see #1). I have to let this go and do my own stuff a lot of the time. He didn't pick me up once because he "had to feed the girls" before he picked me up...as I was waiting at the side of the road in the dark. That was the last time he did that I was so angry. It was a 10 minute trip to get me.
3) Wandering off. All the time. I make a rule that if he goes to the store with me he stays with me most of the time. It's impossible to make a list and have him follow me up/down the aisles. He's better with Farmer's Markets and big places like Costco....and forget department stores. He doesn't buy himself new clothes I think because it's overwhelming for him.
4) zones out. Yep, on his devices all the time. All. The. Time. Drives me nuts. I have some rules: no devices during meals, no devices if we are talking, no devices if we are watching a movie together, no devices if I ask him to put them away (within reason). He'll often ask me something about something I just answered for him, but he wasn't listening (not on a device) - just in his own head somewhere.
Lack of patience is a biggie too. Going "step-by-step" through something is difficult for him and is why I do most of the house repairs. Getting him to call a help-desk or talk with customer service people is impossible because of these two things. I take care of our joint items.
If he's just being a big dork I don't let him get away with it. It's been long enough now that I know what he can/can't control but I also talk with him a lot about my feelings and why something may be bothering me. I'll also ask him why he thinks about something in a certain way and what his plans are and how he feels (most often just frustrated with himself).
I laughed out loud at the
I laughed out loud at the thought of your husband not picking you up and leaving you on the side of the road in the dark, because I can so see myself there.
This week, DH picked me up and was so proud of himself because "I was early". I'm not above giving positive feedback, so I said "You were early and I'm so proud of you and feel so loved." When he still wanted credit two days later, I told him not to push his luck.
When we first started dating, he insisted on picking me up at the airport because he said "you need to learn to rely on me." Of course, he was medicated at the time (and also still trying to impress me).
He's going to a new primary care doctor in a week (because I found a new doctor for him and made him an appointment). I've already suggested that he ask about resuming his ADHD medication (which I think he stopped taking because he waited too long and then they questioned whether he needed it - because it's considered a "controlled substance" - and he couldn't be bothered to jump through the hoops to get it).
I try to get my DH to explain to me how his ADHD impacts his thinking or how he feels when I get mad over some of these things, but I think he feels a lot of shame about it, because it always made him "different" as a child. BM also loved to tell him he was a loser because of it and blame all the problems one of their children had on him, because that child had also been diagnosed with ADHD, so that makes it more of a sore subject. I feel for my DH, but also want us to productively work on making our relationship better, which means we both need to work on coping strategies.
DH has learned that he's not
DH has learned that he's not so great off his meds and is super good about getting them on time now. He used to not be so great. And that was very difficult for us because I didn't know what was wrong. I did make sure he went to the doctor (he's got 3 different ones so scheduling is hard sometimes...and he still needs to get his annual physical several years later).
He's recently found out his psychiatrist is retiring so he's upset about finding a new doctor (yes, same reason yours doesn't like it) but I think was able to get a recommendation. I have to follow up with him about that.
DH has a lot of shame and embarrassment about it too. He even denies he's ADD even though it's clearly that and the meds work exactly like they are supposed to. He "just has something like ADD but it's not ADD." OK then. If I can see he's visibly upset I'll ask him if he needs help (usually a big NO) or if he needs to talk about the situation. We're lucky we're able to communicate well and that's a great thing. He was denigrated by his step-dad and his own father was frustrated with him. His sisters have both said he had a hard time as a kid, likely because no one wanted to spend the time helping him. I mean, it takes me great patience to even cook dinner with him let alone clean a room. But I am super careful not to let it show unless he's being ignorant of my feelings or encroaching on my time.