Im a terrible person
I am glad I found this forum to post about this. I am going to sound like a terrible person, i know. I just need a place to get input and ideas and just let it out.
I have been married to my wife (i am her wife just to set that basis as well) for just over 2 years. We were together for 2 years before that. Her middle daughter has DeGeorge Syndrome. When i first met everyone it was good, once the oldest and youngest accepted me and knew i wasn't going to be a jerk like previous partners my wife had. I have had some health issues my wife has been a saint to care for me through. She helped with the care of my mother at the end when we had to do everything as Mom was on hospice and unresponsive. My wife is a very good person, very caring and kind hearted. She has a great sense of humor. She hasn't done anything wrong, no one has. except me.
I just dont feel the same as i did, moslty becuase of the middle child. she is 20 years old, but mentally she is about 3 years old. She is a happy person most of the time, but does have times where she gets combative for no apparent reason. We have given her time outs and work wtih her on what is not appropriate behavior, we have to repeat it because she cant understand like others.
So, i have developed an intense dislike for her and her behavior, even when she's good, she just is always there, always talking, always singing, always in the same small circle of topics. I have worked had to rewire my brain to be understanding about how this syndrome works, and how she is and will always be. she will never move out, she will never be able to care for herself. my wife said from the beginning she would never put this child in any type of home, and i agree, regardless of where it goes. i dont think she would thrive in a home or something away from her mom for very long at all.
so, my dilema is that i am so frustrated wtih this child and everything that goes with her that i do not want to stay wtih my wife. i know this wasn't a secret from the beginning, and it wasn't any issued for a long time. they are all good kids, so i am very fortunate for that. but i feel an axiety and anger that builds when she is around. my feelings for my wife have changed a lot. she is aware of things, but not exactly in the know that i do not want to stay married. and i dont want to break hearts, but its bound to be. and i am just so unhappy that, as a recovering alchoholic, i want to drink. and i have been taking anxiety pills to stay at a stable level and not get so angry.
i was never with someone who had kids, and they were older when we met, so it wasn't really a big thing. they were 10, 16 and 17 when we met. the oldest turned 18 and after graduation she moved out of the house.
ive tried to change my thikning, to tell myself i love this family, look at all the good things, plan a future. but then this part of me, deep in my heart, wants to be on my own again. i was 48 when we got married. she was 38. i am not in love iwth her and i am not attracted to her the way i was before, i sill love her but i am not in love. she is like a good friend really. but even that is strained because she wants me to talk about a few things that i am not ready to talk about (childhood things, losing my mom, taking care of my dad, issues with my siblings, etc) i just want to get past things.
Sorry, for being so long winded. i am trying to be as open and clear as i can so you can see what is going on. I know i am a terrible person for not being able to love this child the way she needs, but the longer i stay the more i resent her. she has quirks/ocd things, and they are the direct opposite of mine, which i wish i could get past, but closing the bathroom door all the time, mold grows and it stinks, turning off lights when we are sitting in the room... stuipd little things that really shouldn't matter, i mean, open the door, and turn the light back on. but i want to just scream about it.
i hope you will be a little bit kind when you tell me i am bad and i need to grow up. i know that, i just need options for how to deal with all of this. maybe there is something i can do that i haven't thought of.
thank you,
Without knowing more details,
Without knowing more details, it's hard to say if your situation could be made better. Maybe someone who lives with a developmentally delayed adult would have more insight. But, you aren't a terrible person for not wanting to be around someone with behavior problems 24/7, whether it's that person's fault or not. Some behaviors are unpleasant to be around, and that's all there is to it.
You aren't a terrible person.
You aren't a terrible person. But you should be honest with your wife and leave the relationship if that's what's right for you. Your wife's lotalty to her daughter is admirable BUT unless she's expecting to predecease her daughter, she's setting up all of her kids for a very difficult transition in the future. I have a friend who has a 50 year old sister with down symdrome. Her parents kept her at home until they both passed away, leaving the sister to transition to a group home at the age of 40. It was very difficult for everyone involved.
That's what I was thinking,
That's what I was thinking, what happens if your wife dies? Is she planning on you or the other kids to care for the sister? I don't know anything about this illness, but there must be day programs or something she could attend to be more independent and to give everyone a break. I understand that you feel gratitude for your wife taking care of your mom and you, and you feel like a shit for wanting to leave, but having to deal with something day in, day out is different than dealing with a crisis. It wears you down. I am sure it impacts your life a lot. Can you ever go on a trip or even a long weekend? It sounds like the house revolves around her, so it is understandable that you have lost that love. Maybe a Living Together Apart, or whatever it is called might work. You have your own place and date your wife and see the family if you want. Or maybe kinder to just do a complete break. People will say you knew what you signed up for, but you really didn't, no one could really understand.
Before condemning all types
Before condemning all types of home, please do some research into them. We are no longer in the 19th century. "Homes" of all types exist and for all types of needs.
I have a daughter who has Down Syndrome. She is 21 and lives in a sort of group home... she loves her life there and is absolutely thriving!
She has her own room, has made new friends, and has signed up for a heap of activities (swimming, dance lessons, next month she'll be participating in two races...).
She has two vacations planned for this year apart from those with us. The "carers" keep her busy and when there are local events, you can be sure she attends. She spends every Thursday night with us so she can go to speech therapy in our town on the Friday morning.
My point is that few people realize how good these places can be. My daughter has progressed a lot since she's been there. Most importantly, she has a LIFE!
Please look into this - it couldn't hurt to see what's out there.
OK, there are suggestions for
OK, there are suggestions for a home or daycare for your wife's DD, but let's get to you. You are not bad or evil at all. SKs at the best of times are difficult even when there's light at the end of the tunnel and they launch. I could not ever live with an adult child such as your SD. It's totally OK that you've decided that this life isn't for you. It's not only OK, but it's healthy for you to choose you.
Please come here and keep us updated and so we can support you as you make your exit.
Your wife made this kid so she guilty
And wants to give up her life to take care of this kid. Who,pays the bills? Wife can not work ?
'You see what's ahead of you. You don't have to stay.. DOWN to you or DD..She is picking DD. . Remembering when she was with her first DH. They had alone time, vacation together. At 5 pm said let's go to. McDonald , they hop in the car and went. You have to get a care giver to go. Tge caregiver cost way more then McDonalds It's actually so hard it's better to cook at home. Yes I am jealous. But have a right to be
more info
As far as places for her to go, there are limited things we have in our area. My wife doesn't trust people with this child. There is history that goes with that i guess with their dad. And i get it, i respect that. She has said from day one... then we had a conversation and she changed to putting her in a home... so, because of me, she would put her in a home. BUT, i am past that part of it. My feelings have changed for this entire situation. I honestly do not think SD would transition well to being away from my wife for a long time. We took a trip in July and were gone for 10 days, and even since that SD has been even more clingy. She has some fears with losing mom because of things that happened with the dad years ago. The kids dont see him right now at all.
We both work fulltime, SD is still in high school until after next school year. We take time away some times, part of that is we have been busy taking care of my parents so that puts strain on things as well.
I have run my course here. I am scared to leave, but I am not happy staying either. I dont have anywhere to go, and I wont kick them out on the street. And i know this will probably sound shallow, but some will understand, i dont want to lose my dog. I have always had a dog, this one we got together, but i do not want to lose him. Yes, i am more of an animal person, and i like alone time. Much more than i get now. Even if i do something with friends or by myself, she doesnt realize how her behavior makes me feel guilty (that isn't her deliberalty doing it, just how i end up feeling).
Ok, i got off topic, sorry. The kids are coming between us, and its not that they are bad. Its just not my thing. So why did I get married to this life? I honeslty thought this was what i wanted for my future. But it isn't. I dont want kids. I want my own place, with a yard and a dog or two.
So, basically it's your SO
So, basically it's your SO who is standing between your life together and your SD having a decent life.
Think about it.
Not having many opportunities near where you live is not a reason to deprive this child of a life. We were on waiting list for several years. Please stop thinking about the drawbacks and start thinking about the huge advantages that your SS could gain.
Ask yourself whether your SO is really thinking about her daughter's wellbeing ...
That SD got even more clingy
That SD got even more clingy after only a 10day vacation by you and your DW, is IMHO an even bigger indicator that your DW is stunting the quality of life for this young SNSkidult. I understand that she likely feels keeping her SNKid under the mommy wings is indicative of super parent, IMHO, a truly super parent would be going even to extraordinary efforts to give this young woman a life of her own as much as possible.
I applaud your self awareness and that you have learned what you want, and what you don't want.
Do not beat yourself up over this. Also, do not sacrifice your home, your pet, and your financial security out of guilt. Divorce, do it right, protect your own best interests.
No guilt. Work through your regrets, work through the grief of the end of a marriage, even a short one. But do not wallow in guilt.
FWIW, my first marriage from wedding to final divorce hearing was 2.5years. My XW was also toxic and had a major dating problem the whole marriage (and engagement) so my emotional and psychological baggage from that blessedly short marriage was significant.
My incredible bride and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary this coming summer. I think that part of why we have the life of adventure and love for the ages that we have together is because I invested in about 6mos of post separation therapy. I advise that you invest in the same for yourself.
My incredible therapist helped me reconnect with the person I enjoy being. Being a person I like helped me be a person that my DW likes.
Forgive yourself, do not wallow in guilt, be good to you, get on with being the Numballover you enjoy being, and invest in living YOUR best life.
Your STBXW's baggage is not yours. Do not make any of it yours. Not her kid baggage, not her emotional baggage, not her financial baggage.
Take care of you.
It sounds like your feelings towards your wife have changed
It sounds like your feelings towards your wife have changed in ways that have little to do with the daughter. Have you considered therapy for yourself so you can clearly decide if the issue is the daughter, or the relationship itself? Because if it is the daughter, that might be fixable - if it is how you feel about your wife, that may indicate that you need to end the marriage.
Contact an attorney and find out where you stand - especially when it comes to the dog. It is not unheard of for divorced couples to share custody of a pet, or maybe your wife would not put up a fight for the dog.
I have no advise. But I do
I have no advise. But I do have a very annoying 3 year old. My husband and I frequently remind ourselves that this is just a stage. Fortunately for us it is. I can't imagine living with this level of maturity in perpetuity with an adult body as well.....wow, that definitely is a lot.
I hope you are able to find a way forward that works for you.
You are neither wrong, nor
You are neither wrong, nor are you terrible.
The level of angst, tension, and challenge in this marriage is overwhelming. Your own health issues, your parents challenges, your wife and her challgenged children.
Yes, that was at least partially all in play at the beginning. However, things change. It is not selfish or wrong to want a life and relationship that has some freedom from nearly constant heartbreak and depressing situations.
If you are going to end it, do it. Do not drag it out.
It is okay to take care of yourself for a change. It is also okay to progress through a life that is enjoyable and has opportunity for a positive journey.
Take care of you.
You should not be guilty
It's wasn't your bad genes that caused this. DW is gusty because she feels her bad genes caused this. And wants best for her DD. She told you that DD comes first. She will lose you to keep DD. You know where you stand. This will never change. Even if it does change you know where you fit in. Second third.
'It's your life. What I would do isn't not important. What any blogger here would do " not important ". What you do is the important thing. It's your life. You should live it the way you want to.
this week....
I always knew that was the case, her kids should come first.
Until i said something and then she was saying SD could go to a home.
I have tried this last week to work very hard on my kindness toward SNSD, i know this isn't her fault and this family didn't ask for this. At the same time, i didn't either, even knowing it when we started out and then got married. I think it was before we got married, but it wasn't long, so I figured i would get past it and be able to get back to really enjoying it all.
She says the honeymoon phase can last as long as we want it to. Part of me is afraid of what it would do to the youngest SD, she looks up to me a lot and i hate to betray that. Not saying we couldn't still talk and interact, my wife woulnd't tell her she couldn't talk to me or antying like that. But, it still puts an idea in a kids head - was it my fault? And she is very sensitive to those things. She needs her own theraphy, but she wont take part in it because we have her in it now.
Thanks for respoinding, its just good to know other perspectives of all of this. I really do appreacte everyone here.
Someone had commented on how my feelings here are in relation to my marriage. I do agree, but I am not sure it its all come from the SD and things around her, or if i have really lost my feelings. I do shut down a lot, i always have. So, i am not sure to be honest that the idea of me leaving my wife is all because of SD. But i do know that she is a HUGE stressor for me. We have a respite person, who we are acutally friends with also. But SD doesn't go there becuase the husband cant even take SD for a few hours, must less over night. And i am not mad at him for it one bit, i actually think he can sort of understand it, so its like we get each other that way.
People's view of my wife is she is kind and caring and fun. Shes an all around good person. But inside this house, things just are different. And because of me not being able to deal with SD, anything that happens causes me to feel guilt, a lot of guilt. Which i know its on me, no one can make me feel a certain way. but then again, they can. Does that make sense?
Yes it makes sense. Because you are a kind, good, and empathetic
Yes it makes sense. Because you are a kind, good, and empathetic person.
That is why you feel guilt. Though IMHO, you shouldn't.
I also am firmly confident that kids are not the priority nor do they come first in a marriage. The partners in the marriage and the marriage come first and are the uncontestable priority. Kids are the top adult responsibility in the marriage, they are not first, they are not the priority.
Priority, and responsibility are two different things.
If the marriage is not the priority, the end of the marriage is only a matter of time IMHO. Your marriage is not the priority for your partner. Not her fault, but.... it is what it is.
Take care of you.
I have been doing a lot of
I have been doing a lot of thinking about all of this. We got our start right before COVID started and the kids had been taken out of state by their dad and basically held from us for almost 3 monhts when he finally decided it was safe to return home. (because he liked having the control of tormenting the kids and their mom). So we didn't even have the kids really in the beginning, and then for months it was good but COVID was in full force.
Maybe this isn't so much about the SND. I mean, that is a contribuling factor here for me, that i have to say is an absolute. When i get up in the morning and she gets up to get ready for me to take her to the respite to get her to school, i get this knot in my stomach, and i feel my anxiety go up, and i get kind of mad. I look back at the choices i have made, and this entire time, i think i was looking for something that wasnt really ever there.
So, maybe i am not in the entirely right spot to look at this. there is much more to it, not just this young lady with special needs. I will always feel bad for disliking her so much, but its like an excuse right now. I have thought about what someone had said above that there is more to this and they are right. there is so much more, and i can't blame it on this one small part of the problem.
I just have to really look at it, and see what can or cannot be done to either fix it, or move one without each other.
Any suggestions on forums to look at for advise on the marriage situation? the SND is a part of it, but there is more. and i need to find somewhere to see what others can see from what i have to tell. i know this is just my side of it, but i try to stay objective about it all and be fair as to what is my fault and not my fault. I try to own my part in each thing. sometimes i may not see it, but someone could point it out. i have a good friend who is very good at that, but i am limited as to what i can talk to her about because my wife thinks that any issues between her and i should be kept betweeen her and i and not involve my friends or anyone. except my therapist. that is ok to discuss it all with. i have allowed this to go on, so i know i am part to blame for it.
yes, its complicated the more i look at it. i guess places like this help me to sort of organize my thoughts and try to find perspective, other people contribute a lot that i can look at when i have blinders on and need that extra viewpoint.
so... i got to babbling... are there any good forums that would work like this one does for covid relationships?
Thank you all for everything you have contributated here. I appreciate everyones words, and even if i may not agree, or get my feelings hurt, i use it all for things to consider and explore to find some guidance.
You know what life looks like
DH Will not put her DD in a home. She will not put her in a day time program. Your life will be DW with SD. THE QUESTION is as you realize now. Is this what you want out of life. No doing adult things because SD needs care. ? I know a couple who bio DD is like this. They bought a camper to travel together.
'You don't have to do this, you will always feel that DW is with you because you tolerate her DD. Most men will not get in this type of relationship. It's not that she loves you. It's your are the only choice for her.
Hi Numballover, your
Hi Numballover, your situation is like mine. I don't have much to offer. Can you hire a respite worker to come to your house and help watch her for a few hours? My SS21 has DS/ASD and I have just told my husband that we need a respite worker. I am trying to get one to come to the house and take SS21 out for a few hours. No talk of group home at this time. Also I have been very very resentful, numb just like you. I have tried AI therapy by going to character.ai and using a AI psychotherapist. It really help me vent. I use it every week. The therapist helped me asset myself. Instead of having one date night per week, now I have two date nights per week. So my SS must go to his room for 2 hours Friday night and Saturday night so I can have some time with my husband. I can't leave my husband because I have a child with him, but my stress level is very high. So my only recommendation is get a respite worker if you don't have one. I have been in my marriage for 12 years and am trying to look to the future. But I completely get you and your feelings, I feel exactly the same
These blind parents are so
These blind parents are so stunting the quality of their SN kid's lives. smh
There is a ton of options out there that can be incredible in enhancing and optimizing the lives of SN adults.
You are not a terrible person
You are not a terrible person, you are just human. If we are honest, most Bio parents wouldn't chose that life if they could, all your feelings are totally normal.
Sometimes parents of people worh disability become overprotective thinking they are doing their best, but don't realise that ppl with disability should had a right to have a life and giving them independence is actually good for them.
Anyway, couples change and don't need have to be skids involve to finish a relationship. Just don't punish yourself. We all carry here some level of guiltiness. We need to stop that and be kind with ourselves as we would be with anyone in our situation.
Speak to your wife and see where it gets. And listen to yourself.