Really struggling to adjust
I’m new here and looking for some insight or to connect with others that may be in similar situatuions.
Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely lonely, and I’m not sure who to talk to about it.
My partner and I have been together for about three years now. Before that, we were great friends for 13 years and had strong feelings for each other long before we finally got together.
He has a 7-year-old daughter, and about a year ago, we all moved in together.
He shares 50/50 custody with his ex, and after a few rocky years, they now have a good relationship.
His daughter was recently diagnosed with ASD, and it’s highly likely she has ADHD as well. Thankfully, she is now being supported by her school, a psychologist, and an OT.
Despite all the support around her, I find it difficult to cope with her behavior and, honestly, I haven’t been able to connect with her.
I know a lot of this is on me and I’m not putting in enough effort. Most of the time, I distance myself as a way to protect myself.
I find myself hiding in my room waiting for her to fall asleep, or staying later at work just to avoid being home.
I can’t shake these negative feelings I have, and it’s making me feel like a terrible person.
I question whether I’m the right fit for this family, whether they deserve someone who can be a positive support, no matter what.
I’ve always been so passionate about helping others and usually have great patience, but for some reason, I’m struggling here.
We live in a small rental property.
After long, draining days as a social worker, I often pull into the driveway and hear screaming from the car.
My partner is the most patient, kind, and caring person I’ve ever known.
It’s heartbreaking to watch her hit him, bite, throw things, trash the house, call him names, and say she wants to kill him.
When he tells her, "Please stop, you’re hurting me," she responds with, "Good, I want to hurt you."
Trying to discipline her often makes things worse — instead of a 30-minute episode, it might go on for hours.
Even on calmer days, she’s very demanding and struggles to do anything independently despite many efforts to encourage her.
She cries if he isn’t watching her brush her teeth or eat her breakfast.
There’s a lot of raised voices and door slamming, I have ADHD too, and I’m very sensitive to noise and chaos.
Beyond the tantrums, she often seems very negative and rarely expresses happiness unless my partner is playing with her exactly how she wants (she’s an only child).
I understand that it’s part of her ASD, but it’s draining to experience.
The distance I’m creating from her is now causing distance between my partner and me.
Sometimes I feel like I can't get away fast enough.
Lately, I catch myself slipping into really pessimistic thoughts — wondering how much worse things could get as she grows older and enters puberty. Also thinking I dont want to bring another child into the house, so I likely wont have children. I find myself grieving the life I always thought I would have.
Recently, my partner shared that he felt hurt seeing how relieved I looked when his daughter went back to her mum’s house and how much lighter my mood became.
He’s frustrated, and I know he’s finding it difficult that we can’t be more of a family because I’m always hiding away.
Sometimes I feel like im living two different lives, my life with him when shes at her mums and my life when shes home where i'm anxious and avoidant.
I love my partner deeply and honestly we have a great life together for the most part.
He feels like family to me — the person I really want to spend the rest of my life with.
But it’s not just him. It’s both of them i have to consider.
And sometimes I wonder is it unfair to both of them, to stick around when I havel unpleasant feelings toward his daughter? That I sometimes honestly dread being around her?
I didn’t realise just how complex and heavy this would be.
This most likely comes from the BM
You as a social worker. See this Unfixable condition all day long. Don't believe what you see on tv showes. This SD will never be able to live on her own. With out lots of help. You are setting your self up for a life time of work.
You need to have that talk with BF. On the future of SD. How he see his role in her care, then it's up to you if you want to take that ride. My SD committed suicide We hade her in the best hospital we could find who would take her. All did no good,
'IT wasn't my geans so I don't feel guilty. Feel bad for a life lost.
You are not a terrible person
You are not a terrible person for feeling the way you do about living with his daughter. Anyone would struggle with those behaviors. She clearly has severe emotional issues. I know i can't diagnose based on one internet post, but you as a social worker must be familiar with various conditions and it kinda sounds more like ODD as opposed to ADHD. Plus ASD is a wide spectrum, and if you've seen one case you've seen one case. This sounds like a bad case. In any case, it's bad and it's not going away. You are a person. Not a saint or a martyr. Do you really want to sacrifice your mental health for what will probably be the rest of *your* life if you stay with this guy? I get that he's sad you don't love the situation, but come on. Who would?
ETA if your birth year is 1993, you probably have a limited time to decide whether or not you want kids of your own. Having been a single parent and also having dealt with steplife, i'm here to tell you that going to a sperm bank and having a kid on your own would be easier and 1000% more rewarding than dealing with a stepkid with behavior problems and also having a connection to her BM for the rest of your life. Because if SD can never be independent, you will never "age out" of having to coparent with BM.
ETA again that if you've been friends for 13 years and had strong feelings as long as you say before you finally got together, it sort of sounds like he's kept you on a string even while he was with BM. Unless i'm totally off, he's no saint, either. You don't owe him your life.
All of this.
All of this.
Unfortunately.. some people are "undatable".. he has a primary obligation to his minor child. Anyone who wants to be with him will have to be satisfied with a very small sliver of his bandwidth in life. That is not something most normal people would want to deal with. Your profession has shown you there are situations that are just not workable. The fact that he is sad you are having a hard time.. well.. normal.. but this is his child.. and he has to face the reality that her existance limits his ability to have people in his life.
Your feelings are completely justified and understandable.
Your feelings are completely justified and understandable. The thing that jumped out at me from your post was her getting physically violent with her Dad. If she is doing that with him, she is going to do it with you, and you should not have to deal with that kind of behavior. My advice would be to live separately and spend time together on the weeks she is with her Mother. I know that may not be the life you envisioned, but it might be worth considering to save both your sanity and the relationship.
Tough Spot
I cannot imagine living with a child acting out like this. I am also super sensitive to noises. So, no...you are not bad or wrong. You are a human being pushed beyond what you can handle.
As Notsurehowtodeal mentioned...the fact this child is physically attacking her father is HUGE. Why? Because she WILL eventually attack you. And that could lead to all kinds of legal issues. Research some of the posts here where we've had our careers threatened by false accusations and lies.
One thing to consider is her prognosis. Will she be able to live independently or need life long care? Have any changes been made since her diagnosis and treatment have begun? How does she respond to her therapy? Seven is young but you should be able to get some clarity of the severity of her diagnosis. Once you have that info, if she can be independent as an adult, then I say, live seperately til she moves out. If not...you need to consider if you are willing to walk down that road.
One of your comments I want to address:
And sometimes I wonder is it unfair to both of them, to stick around when I havel unpleasant feelings toward his daughter? That I sometimes honestly dread being around her? What about YOU? It cleary is unfair to YOU to have to deal with a situation that isn't yours to begin with. Please start considering yourself in this situation. Seems like you'd want children. Don't short change yourself.
Best to you. This is a tough journey you are on.
"And sometimes I wonder is it
"And sometimes I wonder is it unfair to both of them, to stick around when I havel unpleasant feelings toward his daughter? That I sometimes honestly dread being around her? What about YOU? It cleary is unfair to YOU to have to deal with a situation that isn't yours to begin with. Please start considering yourself in this situation. Seems like you'd want children. Don't short change yourself."
THIS!!!
There's unfairness going on all right! Only the unfairness is towards you. It's very unfair of your SO to get involved with an unsuspecting woman knowing he has such a feral child.
I can't imagine giving up my dream of having a child for this shit show. What's going to happen when you have finally had enough but you don't get to that point until you can no longer have children? You will have sacrified yourself and not had your own child and for what? I have worked in both youth corrections and child protection and believe me when I tell you that that feral brat will 1000% end up incarcerated. Likely for laying out either her dad or you. More likely you because she'll want you gone. Soooooooooo not worth living with either of those two. When your SO said that it upsets him to see the look of relief on your face when his little darling leaves incidcates that he's put the onus on you rather than on his lack of parenting or his feral brat, for making it work.
Please choose you. As a social worker you must know logically that you can only serve your clients as well as you serve yourself. I would recommend counselling so that you can stand strong and know your worth and know that you do not have to accept such a situation in order to have a spouse.
Oh Hon,
Oh Hon,
My beloved nephew, also an only child, has Asperger’s; a moderate form of autism. His parents have dedicated their lives to socializing their son, preparing him to live his best possible life, despite his obstacles. Even with their devoted efforts, my nephew’s future is limited; at age 27, although having graduated from university, he still lives at home and works at a low-paying job.
My sister and BIL have given up a lot (including having the second child that they both wanted) on behalf of their son, enabling them to cover the costs of voice coaches, therapists, tutors etc. He is their biological child, so they were willing to make those sacrifices.
Discipline was a major factor in my nephew’s upbringing. He underwent a number of ‘meltdowns’ during his childhood and adolescence but was never allowed to strike out at others or cause damage to property. He is polite and well-mannered
You’ve written;
Recently, my partner shared that he felt hurt seeing how relieved I looked when his daughter went back to her mum’s house and how much lighter my mood became.
He’s frustrated, and I know he’s finding it difficult that we can’t be more of a family because I’m always hiding away.
Your partner’s difficult daughter is not your child! What sane person would wish to engage with an undisciplined brat who creates havoc in their home?! Your partner is at best, blinded to reality and at worst, a master gaslighter, in supposing that you are at fault for responding with avoidance to his DD’s unacceptable conduct. He is failing both his child and his relationship with you by neglecting to enforce basic standards of behaviour. His youngster is ruling the roost and, if this nonsense continues, her adolescence will be ungovernable.
Looking ahead to the next 5 to 10 years, Is this the life that you envisage for yourself? I’m inferring, by your username, that you are 32-years-old? My only son was born in my 33rd year. Two of my sisters gave birth when they were 38, along with my younger daughter who had her only son at that same age. You have a few years to consider having a child of your own but the longer you waste your life with a man whose life is compromised by a child who will always be a major burden, the less chance you’ll have to be a mother.
My dear girl, love is not enough! Please, do not waste the remains of your youth on a hopeless cause. I strongly suggest that you set up an appointment with a therapist in order to discuss your domestic situation with an impartial third party. Inasmuch as we veteran StepTalkers are able to compare our experiences with your crisis and provide you with our voices of experience, it often takes a skilled therapist to open one's eyes to an impossible, destructive relationship. ♥️
None of this is on you. It is not your failure.
Not parentally either genetically or behaviorally.
I think that you are missing a major point. The only thing that this is about is you and living your best life. Your love for your partner is not enough if he is not committed to effectively being your equity life partner including defending you and your marriage from his failed family baggage. His failed family and the related baggage has absolutely zero to do with you. Know that unequivocally. In my long participation on STalk and some earlier SParenting communities there are a number of examples of those who bring failed family baggage into a new relationship with Social Workers and therapists. With that being a not infrequent situation I cannot ignore the likelihood that the partner bringing the baggage choose empathetic professionals purposely in order to pawn the failed family baggage off to someone they think may be able to fix it while the partner who brings that baggage can avoid being the villain and continue to tolerate the crap that they have created.
Whether or not SD is syndromed with the condition of the moment being pimped out by the pseudo science crowd, supporting her IMHO requires clear and enforced standards of behavior, standards of performance, and firmly defended boundaries requiring reasonable behavior.
Connection with SD is not entirely on you. It is on her, it is on her daddy. You are present and participating. Beyond that the critical success factor is daddy and his failed family spawn navigating appropriately within the clear standards of behavior, standards of performance, and boundaries of reasonable behavior. Tolerate nothing less than that and outcome is entirely on daddy and his COD progeny.
Mommy does not matter. She has zero place in your life, your marriage, and your family. Whatever crap she loads the StepSpawn up with has zero place in your life, home, & marriage and cannot and should not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form in your life.
Keep it stupid simple. KISS.
You did not create this mess. Do not tolerate this mess. A SParent's job is to partner with their mate. It is not to keep dragging the mate or their failed family progeny out of their cesspool of genetic and behavioral effluent. The standards define the edge of the pool. Those wallowing in it can either keep their shit in the pool or figure out how to fix it before climbing out of the genetic and behavioral cesspool of failed family effluent. If they have not fixed it, our job is to keep showing them back in to keep them from making a stanky wet mess outside of their shallow and polluted behavioral existence. Professionally and all day at work you deal with the never ending drama of failed people. At home you do not have to tolerate it. Set and enforce the standards you demand for your life, marriage, and home and tolerate zero deviation from those standards.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
And... Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Good luck.
Please don't blame yourself.
Please don't blame yourself. Your feelings are valid and they are telling you something. Listen to them. Please put yourself first, you still have time to find the right partner. I was lucky and had my bio child at the age of 40, which is quite late and hopefully you won't have your own child that late but you still have time. I still hide too in my bedroom from my 22 yr SS with DS and ASD. I am trying so hard to get him supportive housing. I tried at the beginning to connect with SS when he was 9. You know what he said to me? "I want to kill you". You will end up like me, years later, trying to bring up the very sensitive topic of group homes without causing anger with the bio dad. Trying not to go on vacations with SS. Trying to avoid him at all costs. It's hard to connect to someone who goes around all day and says "bad guys" over and over again. He is obsessed with villains. It is a huge sacrifice. I have somehow found a way to push down joy when my SS goes to his mum's for her weekend, I fist pump in private. Please don't do this to yourself. Oh and due to years of anxiety being around him have cost my sanity. I am now on antidepressants.
Don’t blame yourself.
Anyone would have these feelings.
The big. Bigger question is. This kid most likely will never be able to live alone. Are you going to spend the rear of your life taking care of her,? My nephew neighbors had a son who was disabled, this kid lived into his 50's. Putting his parents in there 70's. These 70's yo parents still had to lift him, clean him ect.
Can you see yourself at 70 taking care of this child.? My nephew neighbors, decided to give up, there life to take care of this child. That was there choice. There life. How about you.
There is also the issue of
There is also the issue of ensuring that your child is going to be well cared for when you are no longer around or able. Better that everyone get accustomed to new situations.. when parents are still present and able to smooth and oversee the transition vs having a child dealing with the loss of their family and having to deal with a new environment.
My SO has a nephew with
My SO has a nephew with autism who is 30 and lives with his BM about 5 hours north of here. Last Christmas he came to the family gathering and both he and his brother said it was his first time out of the house in 4 years. They live in a tiny trailer with the BM, and the brother is a state-paid caregiver. They act like martyrs but this guy walks, talks, and feeds/bathes himself, though he is far from able to hold a job or anything. How is it better for him to be a shut-in as opposed to a group home? IMO the mom and brother live off the state money, as neither has a job outside the home. The brother is maybe 28 and never acquired any education or skills, so this has held him back, too. But the BM gets to say she "never abandoned him!" She gets both emotional and financial gratification while this poor guy rots.
How sad that mommy has such a major martyr complex.
Time to initiate making the kid a ward of the State. Though no doubt martyr mommy would never do it.
One of my childhood BFFs was Dx'd as Schizophrenic in his early 20s. His parents invested heavily in his treatment and supporting him until it was clear that he was a major threat to their resources and their quality of life. They had him made a ward of the State in order to reduce the risk he represented to them, their assets, and their other adult child, DIL, and GKs.
They built a garage apartment for him attached to their home, he cares for their property and swimming pool, raises finches, and for the most part self isolates to deal with discerning reality Vs the voices in his head. Occassionally he goes off of his meds because he wants to feel life, ends up endangering himself and the public with actions like dancing through downtown streets butt neked. When that happens his parents would have him picked up by the padded van, put in the stylish straight jacket, and institutionalized until they got his meds re-regulated. Those were not rare events in his young adult life through middle age. He is in his early 60s at this point and his health blessedly does not facilitate him going out in public without his Octogenarian father. They go to a small town local cafe once a week for the buffet and to get him some social interaction which is limited. After a fairly short time he will step out of restaurant and walk around the parking lot where it is quiet.
When his dad passes, he will become entirely the responsibility of the State and likely will be institutionalized. His mom passed a number of years ago. When his dad passes their estate goes into trust for his care and support administered by his younger brother's DW. Younger bro is a pot head waste of skin that somehow married a very intelligent and ultimately successful career woman. Once my friend passes, the trust distributes to the DIL and the GKs.
While I understand the tendency for parents of SN children to go all in on martyring themselves to care for their SN kidults, I am of the opinion that this is in no one's best interests.
During the entrepreneur phase of my career I had a number of employees who were SN adults who lived in supervised group homes. They worked back of the house jobs. They were some of my most reliable and consistent performers. They had wonderful lives that they likely would have never had if their parents had kept them locked up at home. They were part of a community, had their own private living space, ate their meals togetehr, had friends, the group home set up trips, concerts, plays, sponsored holiday celebrations where family would come. I attended a number of those celebrations on invitation by my employee(s) and their home oversight teams.
All of my SN adult employees were wards of the State. Their families were involved and were comforted that their SN kidults were safe, working, cared for, and living full lives.
On a converse note. One of my former employees who I developed into Sr roles in my Fortune 500 companies career had an SN child that they chose to keep at home and care for throughout their own life and the kids life. Sadly their child developed a rare condition and passed as a young adult. They had the opportunity to get him into a group home and chose not to. Their grief at his passing took my colleague/friend down a very isolating path. I reach out to him periodically without any response in many years. It is sad.
He and his wife had forgone their own lives, put their other children through it all, and when their SN adult child passed it basically imploded the entire family.
One of my absolute closest young childhood friends, we were pretty much raised together, is an Executive Director for a SN adult non profit that does amazing things in that community. They work with a number of organizations in that space. The Tim Tebow foundation sponsors a prom/formal dance every year. My friend's organization gets formal gowns and tuxedos via donations and takes a number of SN adults to that event. They have developed the award winning Surf Quest program to get SN adults and their families to the beach and to introduce them to surfing. It is an incredible program.
My friend is definately a Saint. She worked with autistic children when she was in HS and turned that passion and her service heart into an incredible community. Her university studies were all formulated to the career she has built in order to help people.
I love her to death.
If we were in this situation, and may yet be with my our adult son, I would consider the ward of the State group home model. It can be an amazing life for SN adults and their parents, sibs, etc....
I feel for your SO's SN nephew.