Bio mom here...need advice from a step dad to teenagers
I am not a step-parent, but I need some help and advice from you stepdads out there. My husband has no kids and we have been together three years. I have six children. Three of them have a father who is deceased. I raised them alone most of their lives before meeting my ex husband who I married and had three more children with. My current husband came in while the older kids were reaching teen years. They did not reject him, but held firm that they did not want another parent. My husband was understanding of these feelings bc they had suffered a great loss when I divorced the younger children's father. He had gotten another woman pregnant and pretty much dropped them like trash. The kids do not want to go through that rejection again. They respect my current husband and besides a few bumps at the start, have been respectful towards him as my husband. The problem is, my husband is very strict in my opinion and when I do not dole out punishments as he sees fit, he gets very upset with me and almost resentful. He ignores me or acts very short and lately I have felt like I can't parent my kids without him judging me unless I do things his way. He does not try to discipline the older kids directly, which is good because he has really not actively worked towards creating a bond with them. Instead he gives me the cold shoulder or scolds me when I don't do what he would do. I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted to keep my parenting style because it works for us. He agreed to not involve himself and just be my support. That's not what has happened at all and now we are on the verge of divorce. Just to give an example, my 17 year old was late coming home one time (the first time in months) and he insisted I ground her for a month, take her phone, and restrict her from going on a trip out of state that her friends parents had already paid for. I feel judged daily and like I can't do anything right in his eyes. Tbh I want him to just leave the parenting to me or only give his opinion when I ask for it instead of just ignoring me or making me feel unloved when I don't parent the way he wants. How can I get my point across to him or am I just totally wrong here?
Your DH should have say over
Your DH should have say over things that impact him in his home. I would not characterize the consequence of ONE late night in as what he suggested to be reasonable. Unless there were extenuating circumstances.. and other rules were broken.
As long as your kids are generally respectful.. you are supporting them without your DH's financial help.. and they aren't doing things to impact your husband negatively and there is no reason to think they don't have a plan to "launch" at age 18/after HS.. then he can have his opinions.. and if you want them.. you can ask him.. otherwise.. he needs to keep it to himself. I mean.. if they break something of his.. then he can have some say in them being made to replace/repair the damage. If they have a pattern of willfully missing curfew and it is impacting the household's sleep.. then you might want to ratchet it up and do some of what he suggests. If the kids are not succeeding in school.. and he is concerned they will live in your basement forever? that can impact him.. and he may need to be more strong in voicing his opionions.. but what you described is NOT the end of the world IMHO
You hit on a good point
You hit on a good point actually. When we first met I paid all the bills for a year so he could start his own business. I also took out a home equity loan and gave him about 100k for his business. I owned my house before him. He insisted I quit my job to work for him, which I did and still do while pursuing a real estate career. He doesn't pay me for what I do for him and I'm ok with that. He does pay the household bills minus about a thousand a month I contribute from child support and rent collected from a property I rent out. Since he has taken over the household bills, he has gotten more vocal. Almost daily I am scolded or ignored for not doing what he would do. None of what the children do has a direct effect on him at all. My daughter was an hour late because she fell asleep at her friends house and she's a straight A student, hardly ever messes up, and in general is a really good kid. I feel that rules should leave room for flexibility and he sees rules as rules...and mine just aren't up to par with what he thinks they should be. I need to know what the best way would be to explain to him that he's making me feel like a failure as a wife and mother when he does this, and in an ideal situation I would like him to support me and not try to fix what isn't broken by making me feel like I have to choose between doing things his way or what I feel is right for my kids. I do value his opinion but at the end of the day, I do go with what I think is right for my kids and that usually means he's mad at me for it.
I am a step dad
Hi, i have been a step dad for about 3 years now. I can only speak from my experience. My situation is different than yours being that i own my house and had them move in with me. We both work and have our own accounts so we have our own money. I pay the mortgage and insurance, electric bill and she pays water and groceries. I pay alot more per month but am ok with that and dont complain. From my experience so far, my complaint is discipline of kids....there isnt any. There are always idle threats but no follow through. I am very strict and i will only ask once and if they ignore me stuff gets thrown away or taken away. It has only taken a couple times and they see that when i ask them to do something, there will be consequences so they take me serious. My wife gets upset and threatens to ground them or whatever and they keep doing it until she gives in so they dont learn a damn thing and keep doing it. I dont know if you do the same thing or not, have no clue how you discipline your kids but if you are giving idle threats with no follow through i could see how he could be upset.
I dont feel like my wife needs to discipline like i would but all i would ask is to follow through with her word and her kids would mind her and not talk back or ignore her like they do. I get upset and quiet when she does this because it does affect me and my home when she lets them run rampant in my house. All i want is respect for my home and things i have and i do not get that so i am very resentful towards the kids.
Frankly
Divorce sounds like a dream compared to what you are dealing with.
Trust me when I say it is a
Trust me when I say it is a strong consideration. This is my 3rd marriage...first DH died, second cheated and knocked up a 22 year old...and I seriously thought I had struck luck with this one. I mean, I have already been through enough for a lifetime...but here we are. If we get divorced then I'm done with marriage for sure. I don't care if Prince Charming rides into my foyer on a white horse.
First off, I'm not a stepdad,
I'm not a stepdad, I'm a stepmother, but dear god, you could not pay me to move in with someone who has 6 kids. You say that "nothing they do has an direct effect on him," but I can't imagine how that's true. 6 kids make a lot of noise, eat a lot of food, make a lot of messes and take up a lot of everyone's time. So first off, be honest with yourself about whether or not you are parenting them as effectively as you think you are, or if you are allowing poor behavior that DOES affect him, and that's why he wants you to be tougher on them.
My kids aren’t normal kids
My kids are weird I guess. You can't even tell kids live in my house. Besides the occasional squabble over barbies, the younger ones are practically angels. All gifted and incredibly independent. The younger even do their own laundry. The older ones are the problem. He hasn't been able to really bond with them because of their hesitation to get close to another adult. I feel that he demands stricter punishment for them because of that and favors the younger children who have a bio dad but see my husband as their parent. For instance, my punishment for my daughter missing curfew was no going out on school nights for a month. He wants her to miss her trip, be fully grounded a month, and lose her phone. Also, we dated for two years to "make sure" he knew what he was getting into, and with the understanding that I would be parenting and he would have the opportunity to be the cool step dad. Lately it's like he's upset the relationships with the older ones hasn't evolved as he wanted it to, and he has gotten more unreasonable with punishments imo.
While you think your kids are
While you think your kids are great.. I will say that no matter what 2 year adjustment period you may have.. living with 6 extra unrelated kids that are "along for the relationship ride" is no piece of cake.. even if they are fairly peaceful and good kids.
It's a bit hard to explain but you feel invaded.. and I'm sure that the older kids grate more on him because they don't have a good relationship with him... I think you might want to consider some counseling with him.. it may be a combination of you being a bit too "flexible" and him overreacting the other way. a counselor might help you navigate this.
We do have a family therapist
We do have a family therapist for the kids to deal with the issues they have with bio dad and he has touched on our problems with punishment, but wants to focus on the major issues of abandonment they have first. Maybe we do need to get into something just for us.
My kids are 18, 17, 15, 10, 8
My kids are 18, 17, 15, 10, 8, and 7. The 18 year old works and goes to college full time so she's never here. I am diagnosed OCD and have always had very particular rules for them so there are practically never messes in our house and being loud is reserved for outdoors only. People are usually shocked when they find out kids even live here. They are very well behaved, and if they weren't then I would see his point and understand his actions. He knew I had six kids when we started dating, he came in knowing the situation and was the one that wanted to move in and get married. He seems to have an animosity towards the older three only, and if I were a betting man, I would say it's because they don't accept him as a father like the younger children do.
If you really believe
If you really believe that he is being unreasonable regarding his cold shoulder over the kids, is it possible that things are just not working out between you? Many times people fight over whatever issues happen to arise rather than addressing real feelings. How are things otherwise?
I have brought this up to him
I have brought this up to him. I thought this exact thing at one point and asked him if maybe he was using this as a front for other issues. He insists that he is happy and wants to be here or he would leave. All I know for sure is that I can't continue to live like this. I'm afraid to parent my kids because if it's not up to his expectations I have to deal with feeling like I'm failing him as a spouse. It's becoming a daily thing. Even the smallest things, like my son took out the trash at 9 instead of 8 ( he was doing homework), he wants punished, and I just don't feel like it's warranted. They know when I cave to him and then it only makes them feel like he hates them.
That makes no sense.
That makes no sense. Either you have become hyper-sensitive and it only FEELS like that level of criticism or there is something else going on. Even the most p*ssed off of stepparents who have "had it up to here" do not constantly berate their spouses simply because minor infractions.
He said it's stress. We had a
He said it's stress. We had a talk when he got home and he said he has been really stressed at work, and has been taking it out on me and the kids. He agreed that he's been going overboard lately and wants to work on it...so that makes me happy.
Please tell me the $100K you
Please tell me the $100K you "gave:" him was a documented loan or was for confirmable equivalent equity in "his" business.
The alarms are blaring away on several things in your original post. DH forced you to quit your job and work for him..... Big issue!
He is also initiating overbearing positions on how you parent, etc......
I am a diehard equity life partners are equity parents to any children in their marital home regardless of kid biology guy. But this guy's behavior just does not pass the smell test IMHO.
Like your DH, I am not a BioParent. However, I see a huge number of issues with this guy you have chosen to dump piles of cash into, subjugated yourself to professionally, and who is attempting to over step hugely with your children.
Be very, very careful and take care of you.
And... GET YOUR MONEY BACK ASAP!
I agree. I see some red flags
I agree. I see some red flags too.
Amazing how AFTER you give someone 100k and then convince you to stop working things start to change. I had this happen to me also.
You called him on it and he is "better". Watch for the backside and if it happens, prepare yourself.
I strongly suggest you start working for pay. Either at his company for pay, or somewhere else for pay. Don't leave your self in a position like that.
Not even a million
Would make me live with 6 other people's kids. Poor man.
From a Stepdad who entered with two teen SS's - Look deeper
I understand marrying into a blended family. Now 6 children may have seriously changed my mind whew. However, on to your point. First, do you love each other and want to make this work? If not, Divorce will resolve. If so, commit to two things (Both of you). First, Set aside 3 times every week where just the two of you have time to talk. Second, locate a Good counselor to see you as a couple.
From another StepDad, Yes his reaction to being late was way too harsh. Just the same, I see some of myself in your words. He is trying to respect the boundaries but also trying to be your husband and like it or not he has taken responsibility for these kids so IS the StepDad. His overreaction may very well be due to a deeper issue. Trust me, our marriage barely survived me not realizing fully that I was feeling angry and resentful for a host of reasons. We are mending well now thank God.
You are a Bio Mom which far more often than not means you see any comment he makes as an affront to your parenting skills(yes, my DW is no exception). You have to be willing to get a thick skin and say to yourself wait, this is my husband. Also, agreeing to not be a parent (which yes, DOES include Step Parent), you have setup your household as you and the kids plus this guy who's like your husband or something. I cannot speak for all guys but when you develop the bonds with these kids and you have blood, sweat, tears, dollars, time invested then you are left trying to figure out if I am a husband, how can I not also be 50% responsible for the home environment.
Only suggesting as there is no way to know, but maybe consider some of these possibilities (yep, from my experiences): Possibly he sees you not reinforcing things like the kids sharing chores around the house and does not say anything but it manifests in a nuclear reaction to getting home late. Talk openly ... BOTH of you have to agree to make it a neutral zone where you each Listen before ever reacting or thiking of a reaction. It sounds like the home environment may ot be equitable and the marriage possibly not being placed at the center. Kid centric situations seem to fail often and I Can attest.
In a marriage YOU BOTH NEED TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE
with regard to disciplining the kids. I've read over and over again how bio parents tend to let things slide, whereas the new parent feels slighted or like what they say doesn't have any effect. Kids are quick to figure this out and play one agains the other. You need to ask yourself (removing YOUR emotions from the equation) if you were your Dh who took on these kids, would you be ok with things if these were HIS kids and not yours?
I grew up in a very strict SF situation, and personally, I'm glad for it. I learned respect, responsibility and that "NO" is never negotiable, and it made me a better person. There are so many nightmare stories of parents who are NOT A COUPLE FIRST, but a PARENT FIRST. When you show the world you are not a team, and on the SAME TEAM that is the beginning of the end, as far as I'm concerned. You need to allow him to have some say in the situation, as he lives in the home too. I think he's trying to be sure discipline is in place. Too many parents want to be their kids' friend, and not their parent. Not saying this is the case, and obviously with what little information you've provided, it's tough to give an objective perspective on things.