New Here...need to Vent and need advice....PLEASE!!!
A little background. Me and my 3 kids (ages 15, 12, and 
moved into my boyfriends house this late summer/fall. He is the fer of two children, ages 16 and 13. My boyfriend and I have been together close to 4 years, and started dating slowly, while we were in the process of divorce. We were both married 15 years, and found comfort in each other during this time. Our friendship eventually evolved, and our relationship certainly evolved SLOWLY.
After his divorce, his exwife was building a house, and he allowed her to stay in the house for a YEAR post divorce. She built a house next door, and they both felt it would be best for the kids. I personally felt that it was her way to control him, and manipulate her children.
She has told her children that her father chose me over their family; and that I am the reason for the divorce. They have been emotional regarding this for 4 years. Both of his kids are in therapy, and are never happy. His daughter, who is now 16, used to like me; and we would hang out. She used to be ok with her dad dating me; until we moved in. She now will run and tell daddy if she doesn't like my tone, or doesn't like that she has to do chores now. She is spoiled, not a little spoiled, but a lot spoiled. She is so spoiled, she doesn't even see it, and things are an expectation. She has her own car, gas, insurance; and doesn't have to pay or contribute do that; and truly believes that its her parents role to give this to her. When she is asked to do chores like the rest of the kids; she flips. She calls me names, she is mean. She hates my kids, and complains about everything they do. They, and I often walk on eggshells when she is around.
My bf son, is 13. We waited to move in because he was REALLY angry for a long time. He's said that he's trying to protect his mom and her feelings. He would punch his dad, call him names, and blame him for the divorce. Keep in mind, that my bf and his ex tried therapy; he tried to help his marriage for 5 yrs before the seperation. They weren't sexually active, and his ex wife used to publicly humiliate him. Yell and berate him in public, at their kids hockey games. It's no surprise that is the way his kids treat him, as that is how things went in this house. However, I don't understand how the kids are still stuck on the why???anyway, he is fine with me, and has come a long way in therapy. However, everytime they come back from their mom's they are angry and selfish; and very territorial.
My kids lived through divorce at the same time, and they have healed, and I have an autistic son!!! The big difference is that both me and my ex have accepted it, and moved on. My "step" kids mom has not. She will not let things go, and I believe that is a big factor in all of this.
His kids are so needy and clingy...I mean literally. If I'm home (my kids are Sun-Wed am, his kids are Wed, Th; then we have them every other weekend) so on Wed Thurs they don't want me in the living room with them and their dad. They are jealous that their dad spends anytime with me, and honestly, between our kids and our work schedules our "alone" time is maybe a few hours a month. His daughter came over on a Sunday morning, and it wasn't "his day"...(they come and go, all the time) and he and I were sitting at the table, drinking coffee cutting coupons....She gave attitude, like really bad attitude; and later said that she was mad that I was sitting there, and his attention should have been on her. He said hi to her 3 TIMES, and she wouldn't reply (trying to get his attention)...this is just one example, I have several.
I just need any advice on how to deal with these kids who are so needy, clingy, and confused???
Does the kids and ex wife
Does the kids and ex wife still live next door?
Also here's the only advice I
Also here's the only advice I can give and some of it is just my opinion.
1 on the BM telling the kids he chose you over his family, nothing you can do about that. Maybe she really feels like that (which she shouldn't be venting to or infront of the kids) or maybe she just wants to make it hard on you. You and the daughter got a long great while yall were just dating then bam she hates you. She's under the impression you are her compitition, which is a screwed up way to think for a kid. But it's her father that needs to sit her down and explain how it is.
The lack of respect, that won't change. She's 16, and both your bf and BM have raised her to be an entitled brat. If they don't see the need to teach her respect and compassion then nothing you say is going to make a difference. They will keep her an entitled little brat for the rest of her life. You have about three choices here.
A Ignore it (disengage from his kids) just go on about your merry way with your kids and your bf.
B Move on from him and find someone who stands up for you and makes effort to spend time with you.
C Try to impose your style of parenting on your BF, but that rarely ends well.
Although there could be a fourth option if you really want to make things work, couples counseling.
When you date a married guy
When you date a married guy who is freshly separated, it's pretty outlandishly unrealistic to think the SKids will not blame you for the split. Common sense.
In their minds, you are the home wrecker. Come on, you didn't see that coming?
Let me be clear, he shared
Let me be clear, he shared the house with his ex because she was building a house, and he was too nice to kick her out. He is afraid of her, and although he's gotten better; he has been through the emotional ringer for sure.
Yes, we dated while we were both going through divorce. Heck, my ex was on Match.com. Who cares? We were both seperated and going through the divorce process.
His daughter liked me for years, while we dated. I agree that she feels that she needs to compete with me.
We did couples counseling prior to moving in together so that we would have a good foundation prior to this, and that we'd have the tools we needed to deal with this. There are 5 kids total, and really, it's his daughter that is the only one who is really an issue.
To evil stepmonster, I've considered all of those options. When I disengage, I'm a bitch too. Don't get me wrong, I'm evil; but she likes my cooking, my shopping, and having a clean house. I don't try to impose my "rules" on his kids; but I refuse to let my kids become entitled brats. They have rules, expectations, and have to pitch in. I've told my boyfriend that I have no problem just parenting my kids and not imposing these expectations for his, and he is 100% on board with having them do chores. He knows that they have raised spoiled kids, heck, his daughter has the master bedroom/bath all to herself while the rest of us share a bath. When I ask why we wouldn't take that room back, he says she's always had it.
OMG. She's "always" had the
OMG. She's "always" had the master bath. I cannot fathom the depths of this girl's screwed-uppedness. I seriously doubt she will ever become a normal human. This was the work of a bizarre mother and an aggressive wife and a desperately trying to survive husband and exhausted father.
I'm sorry, you cannot fix that. That was a mess it would take a platoon of very brave therapists to BEGIN to tackle.
Your dh reminds me of an uncle of mine. My aunt was a scary manipulative battleaxe. My uncle was a sweet guy who was demeaned and browbeaten every day of his life. His kids (my cousins) were taught by her to scoff at him and look down on him.
It took me and my siblings well into our adult years to figure out what was going on and recognize that our uncle had not only not deserved the witch's treatment of him, but that he was a very good, kind, gentle soul.
What happened to uncle? He died early of cancer. I understand some very bitter words were said between him and my aunt during his last days. She scared and disgusted me throughout my childhood and beyond but it took real adulthood for me to notice the great wrong done to this kind man, her husband. We all believe the cancer that took him was born of the decades of abuse he suffered and swallowed from his wife and kids.
Your dh could most likely benefit from some individual therapy to help him uncoil from his self-protective clench and to feel his personal power again. His daughter is enthusiastically taking on the mantle of her mother and has even outdone her mother by early in life usurping the master suite! Really, that is absolutely breathtaking.
To me, the only way for you and him to have a happy healthy life together is ditch the house you're in and buy a new one together. CLAIM THE GD MASTER SUITE BEFORE THE SKIDS EVEN KNOW YOU'VE CONTACTED A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
Make the new house a good half hour drive from ex-wife's at least. And be willing to consider the 16 year old daughter a lost cause cuz she already is but do provide a place for her at the new house and do all the normal things you do for all the kids for her, too, but STOP being afraid of her and acting like she's the Empress of All She Surveys. You and your kids don't cower to her, and support your dh in his attempts not to, either.
But at 16 she is pretty much baked as a human and there won't be much any of you can do. She will most likely turn out worse than her mom. End of story.
As for being the other woman, oh please. My ex-husband remarried within 18 months of our split. I was startled and had a re-surgence of grief when I heard because it made me feel easily forgotten and renewed the feeling of failure and loss. I cried and was blue half a day. Then I was done. Not ONCE did I ever consider this chick "the other woman" because they must have been dating while he and I were going through the process and not yet finalized. NOT ONCE.
I KNEW what ended our marriage and I KNEW it had nothing to do with her! And I knew we were beyond repair well before the final papers were signed. And most of all I knew if she didn't exist no way in hell would I take him back! Good luck to her was my feeling. Divorce paperwork drags on long past the point of no return of the marriage. You've made it clear you didn't start a romance with this guy till he was past that point and so were you. Don't worry about it.
To me, the biggest problem is
To me, the biggest problem is BM's perception that her daughter gets the big suite (and all the rotten mothering style that one thing implies) and that DH is to be mocked, blamed, and scorned, she'll fill in the reasons later.
Everything else is just noise and details.
I think you have misread - I
I think you have misread - I don't think working through the divorce took 4 years.
The OP and her partner have been together 4 years, started DATING slowly while in the throes of a divorce and AFTER the divorce was final the man LET the wife live there an extra year while she had a house built next door.
Now the wife may very well be one of those jealous bitches who cannot stand that "her" man moved on from her before she was ready for him to do so. And so she has probably poisoned the sd against the sm. while in reality the SM had nothing to answer for? she has done no wrong here. You need to stop blaming her - he was in the process of divorce. My ex-OH is STILL in the bloody process of divorce. We lived together just under 3 years. Dated almost a year before that. AFTER they legally separated. But the man still is not divorced. I am not a homewrecker either.
Since they shared a house,
Since they shared a house, more than likely they shared a bed from time to time. Of course he will tell you that they NEVER had sex during that time.
You have no way of knowing if that is true or not. If they got along well enough to remain in the same home during the divorce process, then they may have been able to work things out if other distractions were not involved.
Why would you move your children into a home next door to your BF's ex-wife???
Bingo. Even if they have only
Bingo. Even if they have only had sex 3 times to beget 3 children, the emotions/disappointments/lost dreams which flare during a divorce tend to cause 2 people who have experienced a strong attraction to slip back into bed. Even assuming, for example, OP's DH has low-T ... a year of living together ? Blurred boundaries. OP's DH has absolutely nothing to gain by 'fessing up outside of a Church Revival.
To the kids ? Dad and Mom were still together but troubled, and Dad was stepping out. OP is the "face" of the family fracture. Easy target, right or wrong. They are kids and do not have the emotional development to compartmentalize "adult" situations.
My suggestion is for OP to move away from this situation. She is setup not to win.
Sell this house. Find a better fit for your new family without the fog of years of blurred boundaries ...
Memomof3 That's the problem
Memomof3
That's the problem right there. He gave her the master bedroom and won't let you live in it because she's always had it. Well, tough. You are now the lady of the house, she needs to realize that and he needs to tell her.
If you are still neighbors with the ex and kids, you should really start house hunting. If yall buy a house together then yall will get the master bed and it can be yalls house. Right now she sees you as some woman living her house because giving in to all of her whims he has made her master of that house. If he's not willing to take that title back from her and turn it over, and you want to keep seeing him then get your own house. You can still see him, spend a night here or there but have your own place, with your own bathroom that you can go to and escape Princessville.
Oh, I agree that her building
Oh, I agree that her building a house next door was not only a bad decision for him; it was a poor decision for the kids; and confusing!!! At the time, she threatened to take the kids and move away. I know that isn't realistic, but he believed that she could do that.
They owned a lot of land, and she offered to take a few acres as part of the divorce. Her manipulation to him, and he bought into the idea that it would be best for them. Well, it was never a good idea. His family told him that, over and over. Keep in mind, he lives on "family" land.
I am a strong person, but I am not a homewrecker. Our divorces were all but settled in court when we were dating. Our dating had nothing to do with their divorce, so please stop calling me that.
I was actually hoping for some advice on how to deal with his teen daughter, if anyone has any suggestions on that I'd appreciate it.
Thank you LadyFace, I
Thank you LadyFace, I appreciate it. I'm going to try that, and disengage.
I appreciate the comments and
I appreciate the comments and true support. Disneyfan, while I'm sure you find your comments hilarious, if you read any of my previous comments, you'd see that they hadn't been sexually active in 5 years. So, no I do not believe they jumped in bed together, and not because I'm some sucker that believes everyword.
Anyway, I do appreciate all the feedback.
Whether they had sex during
Whether they had sex during that year or not isn't the issue, when during the divorces yall started dating isn't the issue. What is the issue is the fact that your bf has 16 year old daughter who thinks and is treated like that is her house, everyone will obey her rules, and yes the BM might have made some remarks about you that were not flattering. Either way your life will be miserable if this isn't delt with quickly. The more power she has over what goes on in yalls house the more power she will inforce. I agree with everyone, sale that house and get one that belongs to both of you that yall share and build together and get her the hell out of the master suit!!
Honeslty, you have no way of
Honeslty, you have no way of knowing what they did in their home. They were still married and living under the same roof. It isn't unreasonable to think they had sex a few times.
They could have had sex. They could have spent time as a family playing games, watching TV....All of those would have lead the kids and/or mom to believe that the divorce would not happen.
Sounds like, at least in the
Sounds like, at least in the daughter's eyes, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. So don't. Focus on your kids and his kids that aren't lost causes. Otherwise, you will end up feeling resentful and it will take its toll on your marriage.
Your DH also needs therapy and to learn proper boundaries. Like the lady of the house is his WIFE not his daughter!
Wow...what messed up kids you
Wow...what messed up kids you BF and his ex have created. What the heck these two idiot parents have been thinking and doing for years (even before you) is just crazy. I think the only thing that will ramp up the crazy to even a higher notch is when BM remarries and moves in her new husband and any skids next store.
First, these two parents failed at raising their daughter without any sense of expectations. Of course SD and your relationship went south when you moved in. You had been Dad's fun nice GF then you move into her home and expect her to do chores. Something this girl had never before been expected to do before in her life (and you can bet next store at BM's she still isn't expected to). You also moved your children into her house and now she's expected to share and isn't queen bee in her castle any longer. To SD you are the biggest home wrecker ever (just not in the usual sense the words are used). Lady you pooped on her and her home...in her eyes, you are the one who doesn't belong there.
Secondly, these two parents messed with these kids heads for quite a while. Dad leaving home to go have dates while still living with Mom. Then announcing 'we are divorced now', but remaining in same home for another year while Mom builds a house outside the door of home to live. This whole last four years have been like The Twilight Zone for this SD.
It's not really you that has done anything to this girl. No. It's all on both her father and mother. If I were you I'd be tempted to move back out back to your nice quiet peaceful life his kids go off to college and just continue to date Dad.
Having a autistic child is
Having a autistic child is hard and I can relate to that. Do you get some income for his disability? You could benefit a great deal by living alone. You can still have a boyfriend and live in separate houses. Why would you want to live with a man that has his wife ( :jawdrop: ) or ex living in the same vicinity? Sorry but I don't understand it.
I'm betting it wasn't on SD
I'm betting it wasn't on SD that she ended up with the master bedroom. I'm thinking more along the lines that when Mom and Dad started going sour and not sleeping together that as the parents scrambled to stick themselves in separate bedrooms the daughter was placed in the master bedroom. One of the parents out of their own self necessity and desire booted her out of her smaller room so that parent could take the smaller and put the kid in the master.
After five years (so kid would have been 10-11 as parents haven't slept together in 5yrs) this girl thinks of this master bedroom as nothing but just her bedroom. Not in a I deserve the bigger room and the room with the bath way. Though it would have seemed every reasonable last summer as Dad was about to have GF and Gf's kids move in that Dad should have discussed with his daughter that he was taking the next step with GF in their relationship and the household was going to have to shuffle again to make bedrooms for everybody and Dad would now again be taken the larger room with bath . Perhaps even then helping daughter paint and perk up whichever other bedroom she would now be using. Dad really should have had things type of things rearranged and settled with his kids as he was preparing his household to go the next step and move GF/her kids in. No, not 'asking permission' to move GF in, but he doing the prep work and getting his kids into the mental and physical readiness for it.
Just my thoughts, but I think this father (not to mention Mommy building next door) has made some serious mistakes with his children. It was his duty to prepare his home for GF and her kids and to have it done before hand so he and his kids just had to open the front door and welcome their expanding family in. Maybe the guy makes a good BF and hopefully a decent future husband, but I think he's made a pretty piss poor father the last five years. The OP shouldn't have been expected to move in and clean up Dad's stupid parenting failures.
Paddle their asses for the
Paddle their asses for the disrespectful crap. That is what I would do in your case and if I was their dad. As an equity life partner you are an equity parent to any kids in your home regardless of kid biology. So, get the paddle out and light up the ass.
IMHO of course.
I know I sounds like a broken
I know I sounds like a broken record here but...
Sounds like your SD is a total mini-wife. You need to put on your crown and show her who is Queen.
Take back the master suite
Stop leaving the room so that princess can spend time with Daddyyyy
Redecorate the house from top to bottom. Make it YOUR castle
Do things YOUR way and expect her to comply, NOT the other way around
Have your Halo polished up and ready for when SD complains to Daddyyyy about all of this. Be matter of fact and have a good explanation ready for everything you've done. It has nothing to do with squashing the mini-wife right out of princess. You're just trying to make a home for everybody involved. That's your story. Stick to it.
Be strong; be firm... and take back your throne.
First let me tell you all
First let me tell you all this is par for the course. The happy blended families are either smoking dope or are medicated.
You are going to be the enemy no matter what. If you honestly, asked your kids, they are probably not happy with the new living situation or the SD.
Second, the SD is taking a lesson from birth mom....what do you expect? She is evil because her mom has issues. It is par for the course. Very few divorced people have a better divorced life apart then they did when they were together. Birth mom is still angry and she is going to use whatever she can to make herself feel better.
Third, You need to go spend time with your kids when it gets too tense at home. Eventually the kid is going to be an adult and honestly, she isn't your problem. So she doesn't want to do chores...oh, well. You can't change the damage already done to her by her parents and this sense of entitlement.
You need to develop a life with your kids and your boyfriend. If SD shows up and participates great. If not, OH, WELL. Let Disney dad take over. She isn't your kid. Smile and be happy.