Deadbeat Bio Dad
I am a stepfather of two children. One is already 18 and the other is 13. The 13 year old and I have had a rocky relationship for 8 years but now things with him are good. My stress is over the fact that their father, who pays less than half per child than I pay my ex for my son, has been unemployed for at least 28 of the last 36 months. Three separate bouts of unemployment where he won't take any job, but needs to find a job in his "industry". At times he has been in arrears of over 15k. Every time he is unemployed, I have to take up the slack and I am very resentful at this point. I don't know how to channel this resentment as my wife often appears to take the tact that there is nothing she can do if hasn't got a job. My resentment is that I think she doesn't do as much as she can because she knows I will make up the slack. This year we were going to be credit card debt free for the first time ever, and now the fact that I have to make up his difference until he gets another job means that possibility is slipping away. I work very hard for what I bring home. My step kids want for nothing and my wife though she works, takes advantage of her self employed status to really only put in 2 days a week. When I brought up I was resentful, I was the one to get punished for sharing my feelings. I realized last year a lot of my problems with my step son were that I was actually mad at my wife at how much she let him get away with and how much his antics and "needs" got in the way of our relationship. I know she is probably just as frustrated at her ex as I am at this situation but I always do what's right and seem to get punished for it. I got laid off last year and worked three jobs until I got another equivalent job. If I can't talk to her about it without getting mentally beat up, who am I supposed to talk to. Any suggestions other than therapy since I don't have the cash for that either.
Split the bills? Let her know
Split the bills? Let her know you feel taken advantage of financially; if her feelings get hurt, so what? Let her know what her half is. Decide an ammount you will put into a household account for things like groceries, gas, etc. The rest of your income is your income; put it into a seperate bank account to which she does not have access. She can provide for her son from what is left over of her income after she pays her half of the bills. Otherwise, if there is no motivation for her to change, she won't.
I feel for you dude. There
I feel for you dude. There aren't too many step-dads on here, so our particular issues are not often highlighted.
I was once in a position similar to yours. For years, DW and I butted heads over issues relating to her 2 kids (a SS and a SD). DW was (and still is) a guilty "friend" parent, and never developed standards for her kids, or developed any consequences for misbehavior. As you might expect, there have been significant problems with here kids. Every time I tried to reign them in, or hold them accountable for mistakes, I got taken to the woodshed for "not caring about them" and being "too cricitcal."
On top of this, I had the distinct displeasure of dealing with two separate worthless bio-dads, as SS and SD have different fathers. SS's father did not go out of his way to cause trouble, but he was in arrears on his child suppport for years. SD's father pays his support, but he always under-reports his income, so he pays less than he should. Although she does not have an amicalble relationship with either of her exes, DW always treats them with deference, because she does not want to "rock the boat." Even when the bio-dads do something wrong, DW almost never says a peep.
Like you, I grew very frustrated by the problems that the kids caused (because I wasn't allowed to be a parent and correct them), and also resentful of the bio-dads not carrying their share of the load (and DW not calling them out on it). The solution that I eventually hit upon was to simply disengage. SS has been living with his dad for several years, so it was easy with him. SD still lives with us, and I now no longer have anything to do with her. This has cut down on arguements with DW quite a bit. If anything, she is starting to wish that she had listened to me because SD is becoming a little monster, and it is too late now to make up for her non-parenting.
Disengagement is not a perfect solution, because there are going to be situations where you have to get involved to some extent (usually decisions that involve financial or legal matters pertaining to the skids), but you can actually avoid quite a bit of contact if you put your mind to it. I openly tell DW that I am anxiously awaiting the end of my "sentence" with SD, and she doesn't say a word. She knows that I was right about SD, and she herself can not wait for SD to be gone (although that won't stop her from guilt-parenting util SD leaves).
Hope this helps man. You and I both are in a tough spot.
Both of the bio parents
Both of the bio parents dumped their financial responsibility on you so I can understand why you are PO. Your wife is no better than her x because she needs to be working fulltime to support her kd especially since he does not pay CS.
Tell your wife it's time for
Tell your wife it's time for her to get a real job. You can't do it all on your own.
Financially, I am in the same
Financially, I am in the same situation. Luckily, skids are great and DW and I agree on raising kids, so it's the finances where I get very frustrated with the bio-parents. I just plan on keeping my finances separate, at least in the early years of our marriage. Depending on what happens as the kids get older (now 9 and 12), we may combine finances, but for now I am keeping my clean finances away from her and just giving her money when the need arrives. This keeps her realizing that we are a team, I support her, but that I won't become more of a crutch than I am comfortable being for her until her career gets going better.
Honestly, I'd love for her to stay at home and raise the kids (we also have a 1 yo together), but it's just not really practical in a high cost urban part of the country (DC area). Maybe if gas keeps going up along with child care costs, her staying at home will outweigh benefits of working. We'll see...
SS17 has been living with DW
SS17 has been living with DW and I now for about 4 years and we have been paying all his bills. BF contributes only when he feels like it. I paid for SS17's prom BF said he wasn't going to contribute because SS17 didn't ask him. BF isn't a complete deadbeat but there is a reason SS17 didn't want to live with him and decided to live with us so I have to say they don't get along. I don't have too much of a problem helping to support SS17 except it burns me up because SS17 thinks he is entitled. He is rude, disrespectful and unappreciative and because of that there are times I just want to disengage but I don't. If I did, I might as well leave because it would make our home life miserable. SS17 is going to college this fall and not just any one but one that is more then we can afford and SS17 doesn't care. All I got to say is BF better be contributing to his son's college education. Not sure what I can do but I will be pissed. Nobody to talk to except everybody on this site.