Feel like a ghost in my own home
Hey first time posting really need some advice and help. I have been with my wife for 5 years married for 3 years and we have 2 beautiful sons together. I have 3 boys from a previous relationship and my wife has twin daughters aged 12 from a previous relationship. Our relationship is on the verge of breaking down and looking back I don't know how this has happened sooner. Ever since we got together her kids do not acknowledge my existence and I mean literally they don't look at me, don't talk to me, leave the room if I walk in, don't answer anything I ask or say to them just blank me completely but the worst thing is if I have a hold of one of my sons who is effectively their brother they will completely ignore him as well even if he shouts of them or says goodnight he gets no response now I can deal with being ignored but I think ignoring my sons is absolutely disgusting and ignorant. As I say this has went on from first meeting my wife although it has steadily got worse and worse. I have no bond with them, nothing in common with them and as I say I haven't even held a conversation with them in 5 years am I just banging my head against a brick wall. The atmosphere in the house as you can imagine is horrific and I am getting to the point where I don't kno if I can do this anymore infact if I didn't have my two sons with my wife I think I would have already gone!!
I have approached my wife on
I have approached my wife on numerous occasions with regards to them being the way they are with me but all I get back is that's just the way they are and I should try harder because I'm the adult
Inspirational story; does
Inspirational story; does fully define what not to do and how easily your generosity can be taken for granted by people you try to love.
Well, I always tell
Well, I always tell step-moms, manipulative, controlling bio-mom and weak, enabling DH = step hell. And, I'm sure for step-dads, manipulative, controlling bio-dad and weak, enabling DW = step hell.
The problem is, a lot of the armchair-wisdom doesn't hold for stepfathers or stepmothers. For example, even so-called experts will tell stepmothers (or stepfathers) they need to "just keep trying." When in reality, "Regardless of her personality, her desire to befriend them, and the years of patience and effort she invests in 'winning them over,' the stepmother can only have a close relationship with her stepchildren with her husband's support in the household and their mother's wholehearted approval."
Anyway, if you don't have those two necessary ingredients--in your case, DW's support AND bio-dad's support, you have to a) stop trying and b) decide if this is something you can put up with until they age out. Your DW needs to be dealing with them period. your major role is husband to your wife. You are to be an equal to your wife (not a servant to her ex- or children). If the kids don't want you around or treat you invisible, give them what they want. This means they get nada from you--no driving them anywhere, no extras whatsoever. If mom can't drive them, they don't go, for example. Just hang out with your sons, because it seems this is what her kids want. If your wife can't handle them, there is absolutely no way you are going to be able to.
Can wife take them to counseling?
The thing is I have stopped
The thing is I have stopped trying and now I focus all my time on my 2 sons who I have with my wife and my 3 sons from my previous relationship but since I have done this my wife now says I'm making things awkward for her and she's not surprised her daughters ignore me! Is it time to end our marriage and just solely focus on my sons because even though I love my wife I don't think I can go on living in this situation!!
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying and you need to make your own decision, but to me this situation is 100% on your DW. It is up to her to make it work. She is their mother. Like you say, you and her children have no relationship, so there is nothing there for you and her children to even begin with. Mom needs to go to counseling with these girls, to figure out why they treat you that way and why she lets them treat you that way.
Mom needs to start putting her foot down and the girls need to start acknowledging you and your boys and half-siblings, and this can only happen through their efforts. And, you will need to look at your own behavior as well. Not in the sense that you brought this on, but in the sense that why did you let it go on for so long without demanding anything be done about it way back when. I'm sure your self-esteem is taking a hit from all of this.
That's what I think about a
That's what I think about a lot why did I let it get this bad!! But then as I say my wife has never checked their ignorance towards to me or their complete disregard of me actually being around even at the beginning I used to say do they not like me? Is their something I can do? Because initially I did want us to be a family and get on but the way her girls are I can't ever see that happening! We spent a week abroad this summer me my wife our 2 sons and her 2 girls and for the entire holiday including flights not one word and I actually mean not one word was spoken to me even when I tried to engage in conversation so I do feel like maybe without my wife's understanding there isn't really much point in trying to be a family as the only family I feel I have is my 5 sons
Good for You!!!! Whoo Hoo!!!
Good for You!!!! Whoo Hoo!!! OMG What a great speech! I wish I had the balls to do something like that!!!
No I don't want to leave
No I don't want to leave because my 2 sons would suffer and for what because their step-sisters drove a wedge between me and their mom and tried to make my life difficult! No I will not leave because I love my sons and would never want to spend a day apart from them.
I am wondering if this house
I am wondering if this house is the house they lived in with their BD or if this is a new home for the family. They may have this extreme of an attitude because you moved in on their territory. Many here say to disengage. That might be the answer. Your wife says you should do more. I don't think I would leave a spouse I love and 2 more children behind in a divorce because of these two rude brats. If you choose to NOT take the disengage route, my version of do more is don't let them walk away. Follow them. [(Reminds me of a story... when my son was 3 he was playing in the yard with the little boy next door. Although my son was a very kind and well behaved kid he suddenly felt a bit too big for his britches. when I stuck my head out the door and gave him some instruction... such as dinner's in 5 min..... without batting an eye in my direction he told his litte buddy "com'on, we don't have to listen to her". let me tell ya.... I was out that door faster than lightening. I didn't punish, but I took hold of his little arm and made sure he knew that yes he did have to listen to me and that kind of disrespect would not be tolerated.] So follow them right into their room and stay there until they acknowledge your existance and answer your questions in a respectful manner. You might also have your wife gather them for a sit down talk informing them of the new way things will be done in YOUR house. YOU are an adult and they will treat with the same respect as they will with all adults. Disrespect to you or any adult should be payable in the loss of phones and tablets... get em where it hurts. Play it out however fits into your life, but use the "you will not ignore me and you will treat me with respect" route. Good luck. Remember they are 12 year old girls.... it isn't going to get easier unless you do something about it.
When me and my wife first met
When me and my wife first met we lived in separate homes and it's funny you should mention this because as time went on and we were in a more serious relationship I suggested we rent a home together that could be seen as our family home free of all past memories for both ourselves and the kids kind of a clean slate I suppose.
Keep in mind OP is their
Keep in mind OP is their stepdad and not their bio-dad. There are many things steps have to take into consideration that bios do not. Disciplining a bio child, esp. mom going after son vs. stepdad going after 12 year-old step-girls is different. A stepdad going after 12 year old girls and taking hold of their little arms and making sure they know that yes they do have to listen, or following them into their room and staying there. . . I can only imagine what a lawyer could do with that. Not good.
I'm not saying your advice is bad, because it isn't, but everyone should keep in mind that this is a stepdad dealing with two young girls and twins to boot. Step world is very different than bio world.
I'm not saying he should grab
I'm not saying he should grab hold of their little arms. That was my story. These are 12 year old girls. These kids are living in his home now. They should be required to respect him and respond if he says something to him. Wife is telling him to do more. I say follow them from room to room until they respond and respond respectfully. He should never touch them, of course. And never be behind their closed bedroom door. It's his house... Stand in the open doorway until they repectfully respond. I don't think it will take long with him standing there for them to acknowledge him, especially if they know all they have to do is acknowledge him to get rid of him. His wife should be backing him up and pulling the plug on cell phones and tablets until they want to be part of the family. If she dosn't, its gonna be a long 6 years and he is never going to feel at home in his own house.
That is so disrespectful to
That is so disrespectful to allow kids to ignore adults when spoken to. I can't believe your wife is ok with that and allow yourself to be treated like that. What in the hell is wrong with her? Any kid in my home whether visiting guests or family better answer when addressed by an adult.
It's called respect and manners. Even now as my grandson is texting me he uses yes mam, no mam etc. Does your wife allow them to say yeah and huh instead of proper manners whenever they do talk to adults,?
Good luck
I don't know about the others
I don't know about the others here but my head would spin if my skids ignored their brother or sister just because I happened to be the one holding the child. I would disengage so fast and in so many ways my SO wouldn't even know me anymore.
Your issue here is with your wife who allows for you and both of your children to be treated this way by her other children. They should be REQUIRED to respect you without an doubt so it is your own wife that is failing you.
"You need to do more" =
"You need to do more" = "You're not doing enough" = "This is your fault" = "It's not my fault" = "I won't do anything about this."
Based on what I gleaned from your post, she seems either:
a - Unsupportive
b - In denial about her kids' antisocial behavior
c - All of the above
Talk about TLC (Total Lack of Compassion). Those kids aren't worthy, PERIOD. After learning enough from The School Of Hard Knocks myself, I wouldn't have gotten married to that mess, but you did - and now you need to do something else.
If I may ask, what is it about her that you love so much that would make you see past the rest of the "package deal" that includes her kids? Because I can't imagine ANY woman being THAT special, especially when she seems to not GAF enough about me to teach her kids some better manners.
That said, at this point, it's up to you, but I see either of the following:
a - Counseling to try to salvage the marriage (which would include her kids getting on board ASAFP if not sooner)
b - Divorce and you take full custody of your joint kids, since she has ZERO parenting skills and doesn't GAF about you.
I hope it's just that I've misread your post and she's not the heartless, passive, undermining woman that she seems.