More in depth look at my story
So I posted for the first time the other day with regards to the situation I am living in at the moment. I live with my wife, our 2 year old twin sons and her 2 12 year old daughters. I have 3 sons from a previous relationship who stay with me on weekends. Just to go over my story for people who didn't see I have been with my wife for 5 years married for 3. Since the beginning of our relationship her daughters have not spoken to or acknowledged me being a part of their life at first I thought it was just a case of shyness that they didn't know me and that it would change over time however here I am 5 years later and I can count on one hand the amount of times they have spoken and that is just to say hello or goodbye. Now as I said in my last post I'm a grown man and although it irritates me that I'm treat like a ghost in my own home I can deal with it however what I can't deal with is my sons being ignored as well for example if I have a hold of one of my toddler sons her daughters will completely ignore them as they do with me regardless of whether my sons are asking them something or just simply saying goodnight they will be ignored if I have a hold of them for instance a couple of weeks ago I had a hold of one of our sons and my wife had a hold of our other son taking them up to bed on the way up the stairs her daughters walked past me and my son without even as much as a sideway glance but as they approached their mother my wife they cuddled, kissed and said goodnight to my other son whom my wife was holding which had me so pissed I wanted to scream. I have spoken to my wife about the whole situation on numerous occasions but as I said previously all i get is "your the adult try harder" or "it's just the way they are" or "they are just quiet". Now I have tried to have conversations with her daughters just asking how there Day had been and stuff and get no reply whatsoever just completely blanked, they walk out of a room if I'm in it and wont even play with my sons if I'm in the room. When my sons come on a weekend they barely speak to them and are always tellin tales that they've done things to such an extent that my eldest son who is 10 stopped coming to stay for a while, my sons have been told they are guests by her daughters and it is not their home as they don't live here all the time(I immediately told my sons that my house is their house as well and they are most certainly not guests). I have disengaged from her daughters completely and don't bother to do anything with or for them anymore however my wife says that I am not making the effort to make is a family but what am I supposed to do with two people who clearly don't want anything to do with me and non matter what I do are just going to carry on making my life very uncomfortable. To feel like this in my own home is absolutely soul destroying!! I feel slightly sorry for one of her daughters as she is treat completely different to the other i.e. Very little attention, everything's her fault, gets less gifts at Christmas and isn't shown half as much affection as the other but because of the way they have treat me and now ignoring my sons(their half brothers) I can't feel any sympathy or empathy towards to them. I got a lot of great advice on my last post which I really appreciated and am hoping I could get some more advice mainly on 1. How to approach my wife in a different way than I already have 2. How to cope with being completely ignored and carry on living in the same house and 3. How to stop her daughters ignoring my sons when I'm around. Thank you
Your problem is 100% your
Your problem is 100% your wife, not her daughters.
As the common link between you all, it was your wife's job to facilitate the relationship. She was to say to them "you don't have to like ghostinmyownhome, but you do have to respect him as an adult in your family. If you do not, you will answer to me."
Children will always try to divide and conquer in a blended family. In the beginning, it is likely that her daughters started pushing boundaries to see what they could get away with (as all kids will do.) The issue came in when they were never stopped with any boundaries. They pushed, and were able to keep pushing. By your wife doing nothing to check their disrespectful behavior, they knew that they could treat you badly and get away with it.
Also, these kids are not stupid. They know they are causing a fracture line in your relationship with your wife. That was their goal. All kids, on some level, want their parents to reunite and get rid of the new step-intruders. The "Parent Trap" is not an isolated incident. And your wife is failing you by sitting back and allowing this to happen to you, her husband. Where is her loyalty to you?
She's dropped the ball for years, and then acts like the problem is that you haven't tried hard enough with them. That is false. It is her excuse for sitting on her duff and retaining the "good guy" parent role and making you into the bad guy. She doesn't want to challenge her children, either because she is a lazy parent, or because she so desperately wants her kids to like her that she's thrown parenting responsibilities (ex: making sure your kids are respectful toward adults in their lives) out the window.
The time to deal with this problem was right after you moved in together, before you got engaged, or before you got your wife pregnant. The fact that you've allowed it to go on this long means that you have some tendencies to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. The girls have picked up on that and are exploiting it. Your wife is allowing them to exploit it.
You've got a decision to make. Stay, and continue letting your wife disrespect you by allowing you to be viewed as the bad guy, or leave and show your wife and her daughters how you will allow yourself and your sons to be treated.
If you decide to discuss this with your wife, make sure you are clear: you are done having the focus diverted onto her daughters and telling you to try harder. Step/blended families are set up to fail with regard to this exact issue when bioparents do not understand that they have a responsibility to facilitate relationships between a new spouse and their children. Do not let her tell you that you "just hate her daughters" or that you have not tried. It is clear that is NOT the problem. What IS the problem is HER TOTAL FAILURE to respect her husband by not letting her children disrespect an adult in their lives.
Is this how she'd allow them to treat a teacher? No. What makes you different? You are her husband, so shouldn't her standards for how she allows her children to treat you be even higher than other adults in their lives? Why is it okay with her that her daughters treat you like this? It has 0% to do with you not trying or not being good enough; it has to do with her failure to parent and risk being temporarily unpopular with her daughters. As a result, she may lose her husband because she is a lazy wife and mother.
Since disengaging from your
Since disengaging from your twin SDs isnt working... I suggest zero tolerance total confrontation of any ill-mannered crap from them. They will no longer be allowed to ignore you or the child you are holding. They will stand still, face you, speak when spoken to, and they will stand there until they do exactly as the they are told. PERIOD!!!!
To make sure you can bring clarity to your clueless bride…. WEBCAMS!!!!!! When they pull their bullshit sit them down, grab their mommy, park her ass on the sofa next to them….. play the webcam footage and give them the play by play with direct questions as to why they did what they did and then have your bride describe clearly what she sees.
Lather, rinse, repeat… do not allow any of this crap to go unconfronted
They either gain clarity on behaving as polite residence of the home or ….. their lives become a living hell of constant correction, confrontation, and consequences for their chosen crappy behavior.
Grrrrr!
This kind of crap just pisses me off to no end. Own their rude asses and if they escalate…. Break out the paddle!!!!!!!!!!
IMHO of course.
Good luck.