How to handle discipline - I'm a step dad who is with my 3 SS more than either parent
I'm new here, but I've read through several posts with some good advice about discipline. I try to let my DW handle the discipline as much as I can. I have 3 SS's 7,10 and 11 who live with me full time, and 2 BD's 13 and 16 who are here during the summer and holidays. When my SS's moved in with me it was a bit of an adjustment. My BD's were raised as army brats for the first several years of their lives, and as such are fairly self disciplined. My SS's were raised by a single mom with a deadbeat dad and are young boys. They aren't bad kids, just typical young boys. They've never done anything that I couldn't think back to my childhood and think of something similar I did.
My DW is a nurse and works night shifts. She works 12 hour shifts, and commutes an hour each way. When she works, we basically don't see her more than a couple minutes a day for 3-4 days a week. The BF gets the boys 2 weekends out of every 6 and usually doesn't bother to pick them up until Saturday mid-morning and only keeps them until early afternoon Sunday. What all of this means is that I probably spend more time alone with my SS's than wither bio parent.
So my question is - does anyone have any advice on how to handle behavior and discipline in a situation like this? Like I said, I try to let my DW handle it, but when she isn't around, and the boys are fighting or breaking things just telling them to stop isn't always enough. I don't want to be the hated step dad, I don't want to burden my DW with daily reports of bad behavior, and I don't want the boys to grow up to be like their BF either (he's been to jail and has made nothing of his life). I really want to be able to treat the boys like they are my own, which I know I cannot. I could easily handle their behavior, but my instincts would be to be tougher (but fair) than either of their bio parents would be.
Any advice is appreciated.
You are a full time step if
You are a full time step if DW is leaving them in your care she must feel like you have done well with your own. Same rules for your kids should be the same rules for your steps. Make sure DW is on board with this and enforces the rules when she is there. Not that you are a babysitter, but DW would expect her kids to follows the rules like the others do at a sitters or at school. She should expect the same when they are with you. DW should let the kids know this is how things should go. If DW is not on board with the rules then it is a lost cause and she can find a sitter while she works.
That's a tough one. Have you
That's a tough one. Have you talked with DW about this?
At the ages of the boys discipline, structure and consistency are so important. You should enforce the rules that you and DW have agreed are important in as similar a way as you can. You may have to soften your approach from what seems natural. Especially if corporal punishment is what's natural. Even if DW has no problem with it and especially if she does.
I don't see an issue with taking away privileges or enforcing logical consequences when they misbehave. Once you establish that there are consequences and you will follow through most kids only need a gentle reminder.
Thanks. I have softened my
Thanks. I have softened my approach for sure. While my BDs did receive corporal punishment when they were young, I have never even considered it for my SSs. My typical punishments are sending them to bed early (they hate it and it gives us some peace and quiet), grounding and taking away privileges. I also put them to work when needed. Last week two of them were wrestling and put a 2' hole in the drywall in the basement. My DW waited and discussed with me and they have been going to bed early every night until the damage is repaired. I'm doing the mudding, but I'm making them do the sanding and clean up (the hard and dirty work).
Since you are the primary
Since you are the primary parent you should be the primary disciplinarian. You and your DW are equity partners in your marriage and you are equity parents to any children in your home including being equity disciplinarians.
I am the only fulltime dad my SS has every known. His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. I am his dad and I was his disciplinarian as much as his mom was when he was young. I would suggest treating your SSs and disciplining them just as you would your BKs. If you wife takes exception to how you discipline and parent then she can step up and get it done before you have to.
That is the message that ultimately got my own DW to gain clarity on our equity parent status to our son (my SS).
Good luck.
HRNYC - I agree with you they
HRNYC - I agree with you they should discuss the rules in private. I don't agree that it is easier to diciplice kids that are not your own. I am much better at diciplining my own daughter vs my nieces who are in living with me or dicipling my SD when she was in my care.
I think you & DW need to
I think you & DW need to discuss rules & consequences & post them. That way every one, DW, Kids, You, knows & everything is above board.
Both post them and both
Both post them and both enforce them - sounds great to me!
Thanks everyone. My DW is on
Thanks everyone. My DW is on board, and supports me (with a few exceptions she brings up in private). The boys accept me and they know i am in charge and can punish them with my DW's full support. I have gotten the "you're not my dad!" more than once, and that is more the crux of my concern... I truly want to have a positive relationship with my SSs and I'm trying to figure out where the "line" is.
MY DW and I have pretty much come to agreement on what works best with the boys in terms of punishments for bad actions, but we have never made a list. I have also resorted to "I'll discuss it with your mom when she gets home and we will decide together what your punishment is".
Your not the dad - follow
Your not the dad - follow that remark up with. No I am not your dad, but I care for you. Just because I am enforcing rules on you does not mean I don't love you. That is all a person can really say to that.
I've done that or just
I've done that or just ignored the comment. It worked pretty well, but I suspect I will eventually hear it again.