I need advice, I don't know what else to.
I'm new to the site so bare with me please.
A little background. My wife and o have been married for 2 years. Together for 5. Living together for 4 years. Our son is 13. Im not his bio dad.
First and foremost I love my son and I love my wife. My son's bio has never been in his life. He left before his first birthday and hasn' been around since. Minus the few times he showed up unannounced (before I was around.) threatening my wife, demanding to see my son. He's even gone as car as trying to to kidnap him from school. (Again, before I was around.) The only contact I've ever had with him is a random Facebook message where he threatened me, and tried to insult me. No, I didn't respond back. I wanted to, but I figured for my wife and son it 3asnt worth time. And, I would have told him about the dirt nap I would give him if he showed up to my house, which obviously wouldn't have been a good thing to say. The dudes a pos bottom line.
My wife and I have been together for 5 years total. I've also treated my son like he is MY son. Noty step child. I don't even use the word step son/ step dad. He's son as far as I see it. I guess it comes from my dad, whom surprise surprise isn' my bio but never acted like he wasn't my dad he loved us from day one and we loved him. My son and I have very similar stories. I was my same age when my dad came into my life. And I thank the Lord every day for him.
For 4 years things with my son were good, and in turn with my wife. Over the last year things have changed. He's rude, disrespctful, doesn' listen, talks back, ignores me, and throes tantrums like a toddler. I know I know he's a teenager. But, he doesn't act like this with ANYONE else. He' respectful to my brother in laws, my wife, sister in laws, and mother in law. They ask him a question it' yes sir, tell him to.do something and he does it. With me nada. I tell him something he doesn't listen or tell me "I'm telling Mommy!" Yes those exact words. I' beyond frustrated. I've tried talking to my wife, she doesn' care. Tonight he told my wife, that I'm mean to him and yell at him all the time. I'll admit I get frustrated and raise my voice after asking the same question over and over with no answer, after a rude comment, or after he says something disrespectful. But, I've never been mean to him nor am I one of those step dads who treats their step kid like shit. I love son. I' give my life for him. I'm at ever game, take him to every practice, I'd give my life for him. I'll be honest my wife is babies the he'l out of him. I'll admit he' spoiled and that's out fault. But, I would have never expected all of this. My wife told me tonight im not to tell him anything more than once, do not yell or say anything else if he doesn't listen ,leave him alone and tell her she'll deal with it. And that he's going to "try" and listen.
I may be crazy but that' sounds like complete and utter bullshit to me. My mom never ever told us we didn' have to listen to my dad. Nor did she tell him not to tell us anything. You do what yout parents/adults say period. There isnt negotiating or a discussion. To me she's telling me and him "You're not his dad, he doesn' have to listen to you." I don't know what to do. I love them both so much, and I can't just turn off being his dad. And, if I do what she's saying that's exactly what I'll be doing not being his dad. I'l be his mom' husband. It hurts my heart. Both his and her actions cut deep. A small part of me wants to give her what she wants. I want to say fine, leave work early take him to his games, practice, school functions, pay his way with out my help. She wants her cake and to eat it too. But, I know myself I can't do.that. I care too much. But I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, that I'm not appreciated at all if I give in to her demands. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He knew how the convo would turn out. He' been very manipulative lately. He hides it well, I'll admit it. Hes' got her fooled. He throws in a "mommy" and some baby talk and she buys it every time. Regardless, he's my son and I love him. But I need help. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I can't live like this. I don't want to live like this. I just want to be a good dad like my dad was. I want to raise a good man. I don't want to raise a kid like the kids I see at his school, no respect, entitled brats. And I'm afraid thats whats going to happen. I love my family. But, I'm afraid they don't care anymore..
I know this post is long, and I probable left out a ton of info, situations etc. I'm struggling guys. I need help. I need advice. Thank you.
My apologies for the spelling
My apologies for the spelling. I sent all this from my phone.
You already know what you have to do
you have already said it. You need to just be Mom husband. The only whay to change things is to make them miss what they had - so you have two options
now perhaps she doesn’t know the extent of the problem and how rude and bad he is being. Perhaps the next time there is an issue you could get a recording of it to show to her so she can see the disrespect
then you need to speak to her about the disrespect she has shown you - and asks her if she just wants a husband or a husband and father figure for this child in which case she backs you up and puts brat in his place
your second option is effective immediately you are only husband and he is not your son. She does everything and you no longer help. When asked you state that since neither of them respect you you won’t be helping till then do. She then does everything for her brat
I give you these two options for one reason only. Because you still seem interested in being involved with this child
you have a good heart - that being said it shouldn’t be walked on
teenagers suck!!
You sound like a great dad! don't be too hard on yourself. your wife needs to step up and be the disciplinarian and let you be the more relaxed parent for a bit. This age is the age where stepkids will test the parents for sure. Have you tried just having a heart to heart to see what's going on? Or just ask what happened in school, was there any drama etc? Keep in mind, he has a whole other world(school) that he's dealing with as well and it comes with a ton of drama. If you do argue, remember the end goal is to find a solution to the problem. and you might have to do some compromising on your end as well. On a good note though, there was a family counselor that told me once that kids have a tendency to act out most around people they are completely comfortable with. My own son is 15, rolls his eyes whenever i ask him to do something, complains, mopes around, argues, etc, but is a great kid otherwise. He occasionally butts heads with my dh(stepdad) and my dh stands his ground and then the next day all is well. I think its all the hormones and testing of what lines he can/can't cross. We also try to develop all of the kids critical thinking skills(we have 4 teenagers total) and have learned along the way that sometimes, as painful as it can be, you have to let them fail at something so they learn from it. kids learn by repeated attempts and failures. hang in there, with your guidance and if mom steps up to set better boundaries then he will turn out to be a great adult.
Your wife just put a big nail
Your wife just put a big nail in the coffin of this marriage. IMHO.
First... you and DW are equity life partners in your marriage. That makes you equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of kid biology. As such... if DW does not like how you parent she can step up and get it done before you have to... and vise versa. But she does not get to instruct you to stay out of parenting so she can ignore the crap the kid is pulling.
One thing for damned sure is the Skid does not get to ignore you and another is that your DW does not get to tell you not to parent. This is a delay tactic to facilitate letting the ill behaved spawn do whatever he wants. A 13yo is not too old to put over the arm of the sofa and take a belt to his butt and for sure is not beyond an age where he can be isolated in a corner all by himself with a pen and a huge stack of lined paper to write countless 10s of thousands of sentences when he fails to pull his head out of his butt.
e.g. "I will do what I am told when I am told to do it and speak respectfully to all adults including my father."
All in perfect handwriting, perfect spelling, perfect grammar, perfect punctuation at a rate of 120-180/hr. Any errors resets the count and when he is not at school, doing homework, or out with you and/or his mom he is isolated, writing sentences. If he is going to act like a baby a couple of other things to bring to bear is that he can wear a diaper and stand with his nose in the corner until you get tired.
My Skid (SS-25 ) experienced age appropriate consequences for inappropriate behavior during our 23+ year blended family adventure and these lessons were refreshed a number of times as he progressed through his teens. Sentences were a hugely effective consequence when he chose to deviate from the standards of behavior we established for our family/home.
He is getting close to the age where Military School is an option. We implemented that option for my SS his Jr and Sr year of HS.
The good news is that kids who are held to standards in homes with structure overwhelmingly turn out great. My Skid did. he has been in the USAF for 7 years and his mom and I are very proud of him.
Like you we never used the prefix of Step in our home. He is my son, I am his dad. Period. Except in discussions here. Our story continues though a major event occurred 3 years ago. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. So now there are papers that confirm what has always been fact. I am his dad. Now it is even on his birth certificate.
So, I advise you to nip this "tell him only once" crap your DW is spouting in the bud, jerk this little toxic disrespectful shit up short and give him clarity that he either complies with the standards of behavior set in YOUR home or he lives a life of abject misery.
My forecast is that things will change in a hurry when you give them both clarity. If the 13yo pulls the tantrum crap again... put him in a diaper and see how he likes wearing that out in public. That got my Skid's attention. Use your creativity, and play to win. Winning being raising a young man of character that you and your DW can be proud of.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I appreciate all the feed
I appreciate all the feed back guys. I'm at a loss. My head tells me, screw it. Give them what the want. The horrible step dads you hear about who "don't care about someone else' kid " but my heart says hang in there, love unconditionally like you've been taught. It's tough. Really tough. I'e tried hard to do.the right thing and see this through. But all this effort seems in vain. No matter what I seem to be the bad guy. My wife' response has been "I'll back you up when your not wrong." Law of averages say I can't be wrong all the time. Just once I'd love get support. Or to hear her explain why I'm enforcing the things I am. Instead I get told I'm wrong, right in front of our son. Which he eats up. She doesn' get that he's learning by her actions that he doesn't have to respect me or listen. You throw in her families unwanted involment and opinions and it's a whole new ball game. But that's a completely different issue.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'm sure with time and prayer I'll get my answer. But it' getting hard to not say screw it and give up, even though it's against everything I strive to be.
I was kind of in the same
I was kind of in the same situation as you with the SS. It all started around 12 or 13. The wife and i would disagree on some things and she would undermine me the odd time but never in a million years was there any disrepect whatsover from the boy. This was not an option which both of them no. You need to sit your wife down and explain to her that is not an option and if her response is not what it should be things are going to get much worse before they get better if they ever get better. I agree with some of the stuff Rags said minus the assault with the belt. Good luck.