Marriage on the rocks
Hey all, new to the forums and this is my first post. I'll avoid the lengthy stuff (for now). We've been married for 13 years and were together for longer. This is my first marriage and her 2nd. The children were very young when we got marriage. Now they are 18 and 20. The youngest just graduated HS and the oldest will be entering their Junior year at college. Over the years our marriage has had many issues, which span over most issues that can go wrong with a relationship and parenting.
The typical the kids are finished with high school lets discuss parting ways. Both of us aren’t happy. I know the difficult choices and discussions are right around the corner. The bio dad for her kids are in their life but usually not financially and isn’t a big part of their lives. I’ve co-parented and supported them and my wife for most of the years. I have so many questions but will start off slow. I’m not sure how things should go from there. As a stepparent, where do my responsibilities end and continue in the event we get a divorce? The discussions about the future are very hard for me to have with her. She’s pushed down the fact her 2nd marriage is coming to an end and sometimes proceeds as normal. When the subject comes up again, it’s a big stink and usually a fight. My stepson will be going off to the college soon. The financial aspects of the tuition etc are up in the air.
I’m struggling with the transition and how my wife and I should handle the finances when it comes to his college and future. The children know we fight but not certain they know we will be ending the marriage. I fear the information would be a huge distraction to the new graduate. Then again I really do not know. My wife mentioned to me that I should get my social security number ready soon, it’ll be needed in filling out FASA info. I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with the situation. My wife was not very good with money, not that I was great with the finances. I tried to be fickle and she IMO was overspending. For many years she was stay at home mom before going in to the work force. Over the past year or so we’ve fought over finances. I knew of all the expenses coming up with HS ending for her son and college tours, traveling, moving, fees for colleges etc. She continued to spend her money (we split our finances about 7 months ago for the first time due to the purchasing choices. Her poor money choices cause for me to step up. Anyhow, where do I go from here?
Call me jaded, but I wouldn't
Call me jaded, but I wouldn't be surprised if your W planned to let the marriage limp along until you've financed her kids' educations. And the fact that your cash is wanted but your opinions aren't would be a deal breaker for me.
Women like your wife, who've chosen not to work full time and expect others to support their children from previous relationships, don't garner much sympathy on this site. The hard truth is that regardless of your attachment to her children, only she and their father are obligated to support them, and no one is obligated to pay for their college.
If you're old enough to have adult skids, then you probably should be focusing on funding your retirement accounts. Since you know the marriage will be ending, this would be an ideal time to meet with a divorce attorney and a financial counselor to get a clear picture of where you stand. Guilt is a wasted emotion, especially in the face of facts and figures, and you don't really know where your finances will be post divorce. I would be extremely hesitant to commit a sum of money to anything in such uncertain times.
I don't think you're doing the 18 yo any favors by not discussing financial matters with him. Sure, you don't want to spoil h.s. graduation for him, but financial changes are coming that will affect him and he will need to know this. You honestly don't know how much you can afford to help at this time. You now have two adult skids, which means that your relationship with them can be whatever they and you decide. There's nothing wrong with leveling with them while emphasizing that your love for them remains unchanged.
P.S. The more I think over what you've shared, the more convinced I become that your wife intends to get you on the hook for as much $$ as possible. If she's already overextended herself for the elder skid's education, she's probably getting desparate. Please see an attorney ASAP to find out how to protect yourself. In some states, filing for legal separation might be a solution.
I do understand that you
I do understand that you truly care for them. My brother totally paid for his stepchildren's education after he divorced their motherr - BUT and it's a big but he could totally afford it.
How are you set for retirement? I don't care if you are still years away - you have no idea how much money it is going to take to even have a modestly comfortable retirement. I took early retirement and have been retired for 15 years. My cost of living has almost doubled during those 15 year years even though we have been living in a relatively low inflation period.
Any financial advisor will make it crystal clear that one should never short your retirement goals to fund a child's college - and yes even for one's own bios. This is not about do you have some extra funds now - it's about not draining all of your resources.
I don't know where you live - but almost certainly half of any retirement or savings that you have today will go to your wife if you divorce. You may also have to pay her alimony. Let her pay for her children out of that.
I would not provide any FAFSA information, and you should file for divorce as soon as possible to make that official. You may actually be doing your skids a favor by removing your income from the equation. They may qualify for better loans and grants.
Please do not agree contractually to any funds for their education. Anything you may want to do for them can be done as a gift from you to them. Your wife does not need to be in the equation.
You have no responsibility to
You have no responsibility to your SKids now that you have raised them through HS and your marriage to their mother is ending. I would NOT provide any information for the FASFA for either Skid. The responsibility for their college education is not yours. It is your STBXW's and the BioFather(s).
That said, if you wish to help your STBX SKids then that is your choice. I would make that help in the form of direct gifts to your Skids and not make it in any official way. Removing your income from the college finance equation may qualify them for more in grants and subsidized loans. You, and they, are best served by filing pronto and getting your money off of the table ASAP to optimize their opportuntiy for financial aid.
For sure you don't want any official participation. Your STBXW could use your documented voluntary support of HER children to screw you in court during the divorce. Having been through a accrimonious divorce I highly recommend that you get a killer shark attorney NOW and play hard ball in order to not get yourself screwed in this process.
Far too many good people have been shredded in a divorce due to their own good intentions that were used by less honorable opposition. So... go in locked and loaded for bear and keep your relationship with your Skids separate from the disolution of your marriage to their mother.
I completely understand how you feel about your SSs. I have raised my SS-25 as my own since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. That said... if his mom divorced me I would shred her in the divorce. I will not serve myself up ever again to be taken advantage of in a divorce. Once was enough. I would maintain as strong a relationship as possible with my son (He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen) while keeping him fully abreast of the facts of the disolution of a marriage to his mom. Not that I see that to be a likely thing. We used a fact based approach to manage his knowledge of the Custody/Visitation/Support order, the toxic crap disched out by his manipulative sperm clan, and we maintain that approach with him now that he is a viable adult. I would do the same in the event of a divorce from his mom. Though I shudder the thought. of that occuring.
IMHO of course. Good luck. Take care of you.
FAFSA
Actually, her kids can file FAFSA without you. With moms SSN. They will actually get more help (subsidized student loans) without you.
did you change your tax information yet?
unless you adopt her kids, with a bio dad fully in the picture, you have no legal obligations (financial) to her children. Depending on the state (NY, NJ for example) their bio dad is on the hook for college.
I would be surprised if her kids still want a relationship with you after you split from their mom.
I am not certain how the
I am not certain how the skids will feel afterwards. Over the past several years as the skids got older they've come to me with their concerns regarding their mother. How she is acting like a teenager and going out all the time. They do not get to see her as often as they see me or spend time with me. My youngest, the SS one day expressed how he was worried there would be no money for him to go to college because he sees how his mom is spending money and overhearing the fights my DW and I have over money and my attempts to slow down her spending due to real obligations. My SD has some of my DW's mentality but also notices the flaws with some of it. My life just seems to me in shambles, I'm depressed my house is now rundown and my fiances are a mess. I realize that it will be many years to come for me to rebuild my life and I'm ready to do it.
I am not certain how the
doublepost
My parents made a lot of
My parents made a lot of money, but refused to contribute to my schooling, so I was not eligible for financial aid. I moved out and worked fulltime when I turned 18. I had to go to community college parttime until I was 23. Then I finished at the university, a single mother with three kids. I survived. Nothing can take that accomplisment away from me.
You are long past the point
You are long past the point where anyone's feelings matter. And they shouldn't matter. What matters is reality and reality is that your STBXW has trashed her life, your life, and the kid's lives and it is time for you to move on. Help your Skids if you wish just do it in a way that minimizes any down side for you by making that help direct rather than through putting yourself on the hook for school loans, etc.... Help in ways that do not officially obligate you in any way or put you on the hook for any long term liability.
Take care of you.
You CanTrust Rags
for the practical pov. He's been a SF for over twenty years.
So sorry for your impending
So sorry for your impending tribulations...
Your wife seems to be regressing because she doesn't want to face facts - and this seems to be sabotaging things, while she's counting on your good-naturedness to step in and solve it. She needs counseling, and I'd surely recommend that for you both.
As for your SKids, it's tough to turn your back on them, I'm sure. It sounds as though your wife has abandoned the game plan (or as some folks would say, has "gone off the reservation"), which is cause for divorce in most US states, I believe, if your state requires a cause. I live in TX, where no cause is needed.
Your wife's spending has put you both in a pickle, and some states say a wife's debts are shared by the husband, and you may be still required to help.
Get a consultation with an attorney.
Concerned
I think you need to speak with a lawyer to find out where you stand financially before you make any hard and fast decisions. I don't know if you are in a community property State but that 10 year loan your DW obtained could become part of your obligations along with any credit cards she might have taken out you don't know about yet. Maybe you could run a credit check and see what falls out of the tree. Truly don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but I definitely like to be aware of what I am dealing with.