Need advice in general...
I will be quick, as it seems the exact details are not important.
After reading through the forums, I see the situations vary quite a bit but the actual problem is the same, so since I share that problem I will outline it.
I have no kids, I am the stepdad. Mom has 2, we have them every other week.
Dad is a passive aggresive wuss, and I do not mean to brag, but in person is very intimadated by me and sucks up to me.
He attacks the mother and I passive aggresively when we are not around (the weeks he has the kids) and it shows, and they even use some of what he says when they act out and get in trouble for it.
Since mom left (he is a serial cheater, the kids are unaware) the daughter (son is only 3) has made her the villian, and dad the hero.
In short, we face the problem everyone here seems to face:
Dad and his new lady (who is Jerry Springer crazy!) can do no wrong, we can do no right, especially me.
I give so much of myself to my step kids. I treat them as if they are my own in all regards. I pay half the cost to bring them with us on trips, I buy them toys and such, I take the daughter to movies she wants to see, I listen to her troubles. None of these things dad does. Yet, dad will really do neglectful and even hurtful things and she will make all sorts of excuses for him when we ask why she has no new clothing at Dad's house.
I want to make it clear, he is not a terrible father, but NOT a good one. But he is a spineless snake who spins lies and excuses and really goes out of his way to sabotage our progress we make as a family unit. There is no regard for the happiness of his children when it comes to simply being bitter that his wife left his cheating ass after years of infedility.
Anyway, I am now ranting and I didn't mean to. Today was especially trying....
Again.. how do we deal with this scenario where the good guys can do no right, and the bad guys can do no wrong?
I have seen a lot of venting and comforting (all good) but I need some strategies that work too. What has worked for you all?
Thanks for reading.
Hi BSW! May I just say
Hi BSW! May I just say Welcome to the forum!
Your story sounds so familiar and I think that many SP's on here have experienced the same thing.
Rags & Old Dart, are more able to give you advice than I am. I hope they respond to your post.
All the Best!
MaGoose
We are still working on it,
We are still working on it, honestly. Not with my skids, but with my own daughter. She's my oldest child, so she saw the hell her father put myself, her, and her brothers through. However, here we are nearly 5 years after I took the kids and left that toxic environment, and he's a freakin saint. She has periods where she doesn't like him, but for the most part, he's Dad of the Year (despite the fact that he has spent maybe 36 hours with them total in the past 3 years, and given less than $2k of total support). She doesn't remember the times he hit her, or called her a whore when she was 11 and got a hair cut, or called her terrible names her whole life.
My DH has to deal with this in such a bad way. He, along with me, is a bad guy. She has written in a journal (hell yes I read her journal) that he took me away from her. Nevermind that before DH and I got married, I worked 3rd shift and was often asleep or a zombie during the times I was actually able to spend with my kids, and after we got married I'm able to spend WAY more time with my kids-her included. To her, according to said journal, he is a bastard, an asshole... nevermind he takes her-with our other kids of course-skating, to movies, the park, out to eat, lets her listen to music, etc. All things her Father of the Year would NEVER do, or allow her to do.
I don't understand her. I try to tell myself she will grow out of this phase and appreciate what DH does for her, and has given her. When truth is, that day may never come.
Wish I had advice for you. Welcome to the forum.
What she said. My situation
What she said. My situation is just like yours. The only difference is my SKs are now 9 and 12. They never lived under his roof, only with BM, except the first 2-3 years of SSs life. So we have had the upper hand in creating the best environment for them. Nevertheless, he is still BD and will be like God to them at times. We choose the high road as well. It's working. As the kids are getting older, they are beginning to see a difference. Things are hardest right now because we are about to move and this may mean seeing BD less. I think BDs parents are filling them with lots of inaccuracies as well, which isn't fair to the kids. I think we will all be happier once we move and are settled in to as normal a life as we can make it.
Thank you for those
Thank you for those perspectives, I will consider your words fully.
BSW! Sometimes our best
BSW!
Sometimes our best actions seem to go unrewarded. My best advice would be to keep doing what you're doing - being a good stepfather to your stepkids. They might not realize it fully yet, and maybe you don't too, but you are probably more their father figure than their biological father! In the end, when all is said and done, you will be rewarded. Keep it up!