Opions please
Hi
Just wanted to get some mens opions on my husband. My step daughter was living with us due to her mother not wanting anything to do with her an more or less fed up with her behaviour. We enrolled her into a private highschool which all 3 of my kids also attended. My step daughter was given everything she wanted even more than my 3 but still disrepected my husband and his health has hit a all time low. She ended up moving out living in parks an getting involved in drugs ( all her choice as she wasnt kicked out) now she is constantly ringing every couple days with another drama the lastest being her boyfriend is beating her so now shes homeless in a city 5 hours away from us. She also has pulled this trick a couple months ago when her an her boyfriend claimed they were going to be homeless so we paid $600 to get them somewhere to live which lasted 2 weeks an their was some problem an they left. She is now constantly ringing asking for more an more money which mind you hubby had a work accident is in a bad way an we are getting by on carers payments ourselves so far we have given her nearly $5000 in the last couple months. With every time my hubby tells her this is the last time we cant afford it i cant help anymore an promises me its the last time but so far as of today its the 4th time an hes putting more money into her account tomorrow. When is enough a enough i understand he loves her but all i see is he has these rose coloured glasses on that ge cant see any wrong in her, she has constantly lied to us but still my hubby sees no wrong with it. He is enabling her if she is doing drugs still, she knows daddy will bale her out when ever she rings an puts on the tears, i dont know how much more i can take an unfortunatly i dont see my hubby living much longer due to the stress an his health issues hes mentally not strong enough to say no an if i do then we argue. The only fights we have had in the last 4 years has been about this daughter, shes killing both of us an like i said to my hubby what happens when we have NO money left???? Who helps her then?? As our bank balance is near empty an our family life is getting worst. Any thoughts guys, how would you handle this if you were my hubby?
To me, as a father of a
To me, as a father of a daughter, it would be one of the hardest things to cut off my daughter, but if drugs are involved, I'd draw the line. What kind of drugs? If I may ask. If they are serious drugs like heroin, she's pretty much done in this world anyway. Once they put that in their bodies, they are not your kids anymore. Heroin seems to make theives out of everyone that uses it.
Yes i understand what you
Yes i understand what you mean an i see where my husband is coming from cutting off his daughter but like i said we are near bankrupt and also have other children to suport plus im a full time carer for my disabled husband which his daughter is taking advantage of. I have heard heron & ice. Her BF is on methodone an she tells us she is clean but i dont beleive a word that comes out of her mouth anymore. Dont get me wrong i love her deeply i have been in her life since she was 5 years old i have been their for her when her own mother hasnt but if my husband keeps giving to her we are going to end up loosing our own home. The option of her living with us is no longer an option due to her behaviour and the fact we have 3 other kids here including a little girl who looks up to an loves her step sister that i dont want her following in her foot steps. We have 3 kids here completing their education an making something of their lives an also im not having her here due to the fighting infront of the other kids because my step daughter cant get her way. My hubby has so many health problems including chronic depression, diabetes, the list goes on since she came to live with us an has left 4 times broke all our hearts the list gets longer. At this point i see me loosing my husband an the kids loosing their father. Thank you for your reply i really appreciate it
Yes i agree, problem with
Yes i agree, problem with that is she lies so much that we honestly dont beleive a word she says anymore. She claims she is clean but her BF is on methodone. We have paid for somewhere for her to live 4 times an each time hubby claims this is the last time but it never is. All i see is myself loosing my husband or us loosing our house as the money just drains away. Thank u for your reply just wish my husband would listen to me i understand he loves his daughter, i love her too i have been in her life since she was 5 years old. But it has to stop somewhere
You two are killing her with
You two are killing her with this money. If you give an addict money you might as well be shooting the drugs up their arm.
Everybody knows that you
Everybody knows that you cannot give a drug addict money.
Your DH feels good about himself by giving her money, it makes him feel like he is helping his daughter but he's not, he's just buying her drugs.
Throwing money at somebody, even if they are not a drug addict, is not helping, it's enabling. My SD23 is not on drugs but she is completely dependent on others (her BM, the welfare system). My DH worries about her but does not give her money because that will not help her become independent. She has to be willing to DO something and he knows that.
Besides, he's not willing to bankrupt us to support his daughter, who should be supporting herself. We have separate finances but he is also not willing to let ME support HIM, if he were to give his daughter all of his money.
Your DH cannot help his daughter doing what he's doing but he can certainly ruin your financial future together because no matter what, him giving her all of that money affects you, as well. You need to cut them both off; do not allow him to give her anymore money. I know that sounds controlling but sometimes you just have to be.
I'm with everyone else that
I'm with everyone else that said he's killing her with the money he gives her. Regardless of the drug, she isn't herself, the drugs have taken over. If I were you, I'd start taking money out of his account and shutting the ringers off like another poster suggested. Anyone who's ever had to deal with an addict they will do whatever it is they have to do to get that next high. Time to get a more aggressive with the finances.
OMG WAIT! Maybe you should
OMG WAIT! Maybe you should have him watch a couple of episodes of Intervention, seriously that might help!
Wish it was that easy. When
Wish it was that easy. When she lived with us i took her to get mental health an counciling this was before she got hooked up in drugs etc, then when she decided to leave we had child services at our home interviewing both me my hubby & questioning the 3 kids living here. Social services helped get her into her own place but she decided it would be a good idea to assault the owner an was kicked out. She was admited into hospital due to trying to over dose on panadol ( not sure if that is even possiable) we went to see her at 3am she ended up coming home for a day then decided she didnt want to be here again an left. Its happened 3 times now an due to the stress an heartbreak she is causing with the 3 other kids & our family we wont have her back here. Hubby gets hes enabling her but still he thinks no one else will help her but ive told him he needs to tell her after this do not contact us until you have decided to do something with your life. I told him if she knows we are here to bail her out then she will keep doing it but it hasnt sunk in yet. Any ideas how to get it to sink into his head would be great cause im all out of ideas expect i take the kids leave him to saving her cause that seems to be his mission atm. We dont have the home phone plugged in but he has a mobile so thats what she rings an ive told him to change his number but even when he does he cant help himself but to ring her or text an she gets the number again. I can imagine being in my hubbys position but he needs to realise you cant help someone who doesnt want help, just want him to see it
Have to add she is constantly getting into trouble with the police the most recent being breaking into a house but police in aus are a joke. She gets a slap on the wrist an she doing it again. She left us at 14 an is 17 this month but still hasnt woken up. She has been in the hospital on numerous times due to cutting up her wrist but they put a bandage on her an let her out with no help an when they offer help she tells them to F off. She rings telling her sister that mind you misses her an looks up to her an loves her to death that shes stealing etc its just got to a point now where i know this is bad but i just want her to have no contact with us either that or she ends up in jail an might get help
Thank u everyone for your
Thank u everyone for your advice
You have to put your own
You have to put your own household first. So if your DH isn't strong enough to stop enabling (and some parents NEVER stop), you should take steps to limit his access to household monies. It might also help if you arrange for your DH to FEEL some financial discomfort, such as having the power shut off temporarily, preparing only the cheapest meals, etc.
I'd also recommend seeking out every resource available to educate yourself and your DH about addiction and dealing with addicted loved ones. If there are support groups like Narc Anon nearby, GO. And the next time your SD calls, ask her if she can give some money to help pay for her father's medical costs. That should slow down the mooching.
Lastly, please hug and love on the kids that aren't addicts. Too often the good kids are overshadowed by the crazy making of the bad ones.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words & advice. Well we found out today she is a heroin addict, found out from the
Police due to her being arrested twice in 2 days. One for breaking & entering & for assulting a police
Officer. Its so heartbreaking for me as a step mum to watch her destroy her life & watching my husbands health
Get worst everyday because of her. I just hope she gets help cause she doesnt want help from us at all
Only money which she is no longer getting. Im forced to hide money away to make sure hubby can have his
Future operations an to keep us loosing our house. A very sad time for us but we will get through, ive told hubby
He has to be cruel to be kind
Time to let your DH know that
Time to let your DH know that if one more penny goes to his toxic druggie spawn he will be homeless and living with she and her BF.
The only way to fix this is to give your DH absolute clarity that no longer will SS be allowed to extort money from your home and family.
Let her rot. She earned it.
I agree rags Thank you
I agree rags
Thank you
Endless financial siphon.
Endless financial siphon. Sucking noise of an addict in the family.
Wish I had advice. DH is lost in the "Enabler Hope" stage of life. Works for him; sucks the family and future dry. Unplug. Distract/divert your DH ...