Out of control Step Daughter
Me and my wife got together 6 years ago, when my step daughter was 2. We got married and now have a 2yr old daughter. My step daughter has never really been that well behaved, but it's beyond a joke now. Last night and this morning she's actually had to be dragged away whilst screaming and raising her hands to her mother (this morning it was because we wouldn't give her an extra 50p for sweets). She talks back and argues at every opportunity. I love my own daughter more than anything on earth and hate the fact that she has to grow up in this sort of environment, sometimes when I pick her up from nursery, I just don't want to go home.
I know what everyone is thinking, "you should pay more attention to the needs of the SD and it wouldn't have gotten this far", but, believe me, we've tried everything. Her father doesn't have much to do with her and only sees her 1 night every 2 weeks (if that). I have got serious doubts over the way my wife has brought her up - not given her enough attention, seeing her as more of a burden ran a joy and she has admitted that she never bonded with her as a baby, but I can see that she is really, really trying to make amense for this.
I can't bond with her, 'cause I get grief for everything I say and sometimes don't even get to open my mouth before she's off again. All this leads to not wanting to go anywhere with her because of the embarressment, which inturn probably makes things worse. It's a never ending cycle and I am not about to let my daughter be influenced by this behaviour.
Me and my wife at at our wits end. I started a charity box, so that if she is really bad, I would take something from her room (after numerous warnings this would be done). Last night I tried this for the first tie and she ran after me absolutely screaming the house down, tried to block the entrance to her door, clung onto the item I removed, ran screaming after me down the stairs, tried to take it from the place in the garage I put it, ran after me into the street when I put it in the car for safe keeping, stood and shouted at me outside and had to be physically taken in. This shouldn't be hapening with an 8 yr old - I could see this sort of extreme bad behaviour if she was in her teens, but not 8 surely!
This isn't a one off thing, or even something that happens on and off, it's every bloody night and a lot of mornings as well.
Any help and advise would be appreciated as we have tried all approaches - back onto the 3 strikes and out, zero tollerance at the moment, but I know nothings going to work.
Thanks folks.
Persistance
and consistancy is the key. She continues to behave the way she does because she knows that if she screams and fights back, someone will give in. I would say tighten up the discipline for awhile, allow NO room for error at first and after awhile she will become conditioned to the fact that screaming and being aggressive will no longer work. When she argues or talks back walk away. Tell her that you are NOT going to argue with her. Ask her what "NO" means. Tell her "No means NO,and there will be no further discussion on your end about it."
It will probably be horrible and unbearable at first and be prepared for her behavior to get worse, but stand firmly on your discipline and eventually her behavior will tone down.
Also, everyone, even Mom MUST remain calm, cool, and collected at all times. SD is satisfied when she makes you or mom become unglued, she is manipulating both of you by her behavior. Let her know that it's not going to work now and NEVER!
She is ruling the house by her behavior and she knows it.
Plan of action
Thanks for the advise.
She knows that she doesn't get her way when she screams and she knows that it'll make it worse, but it doesn't stop her doing it. I know what you're saying with the keeping calm thing, but it's hard to do when she's inches away screaming at you, or standing on the doorstep refusing to go to school, or flinging things at you.
I think this is the right approach though, although it is my wife that does most of the cracking up (very short temper). I'll have to sit down with her tonight and we'll go through a plan of action.
Thanks.
I wasnt sure
about the specifics. Do both you and your wife work? If she is refusing to go to school, and one of you can be home. I'd let her stay, remove everything except the furniture and bed from her room and tell her that she is grounded to her room for the entire day. I'd do the same with her toys, games, books ect if she was throwing things at anyone continuously. I know it sounds really harsh, but it's a bump in the road that needs to be passed and then when she starts respecting you and mom, then you can respect her, but only then.
I know it needs done
Myself and my wife both work. Even if we didn't, we wouldn't keep her off school because she's acting up. Doesn't that set a pressident for the future.
Just off the phone saying
Just off the phone saying night, night to my 2 yr old daughter (as I'm at work). Total screaming, slamming doors, back chat, shouting. It's unbearable. My 2yr old is saying she scared and too loud. I could fucking kill my SD!
I don't think
it would set a precedent for the future because I think it would make her understand that she is an individual and has choices and behaving properly is a choice. However, if she makes the wrong choice there will be consequences.
It's kinda "like you won't put your shoes on, then you are going barefoot because we are leaving right now" and "you don't want to eat your dinner, fine then be hungry, but you will not get anything else no matter what you say" or "Oh you didn't pick up you things scattered across the house, fine, that was your choice, but they are in the trash now"
I could, perhaps, be wrong, but it's just my opinion.
Screaming, Agression=
Loss of EVERY single privilege she has! She'll eventually get it.
We tried this with SD9 last year...
We tried, (after trying everything else we could think of) taking away our daughters possessions. Everything except her school uniform and the clothes she would absolutely need. Told her she would have to earn things back, bag-by-bag, for good behaviour instead of bad.
You might think this would be a huge wake-up call and she would at least try...
You would be dead wrong.
Instead, she must have decided she had nothing left to lose...and it got lots worse!
Took almost 5 months for her to get her stuff back. And then only because DH decided he couldn't take the guilt of her empty room any longer and he felt it was inappropriate with the holidays approaching.
Personally...I would have kept everything away AND made sure she got NOTHING for Christmas.
In my humble opinion, possessions and gifts are privledges, not requirements.
In my experience, what is being suggested to you doesn't work.
At least it didn't work for us.
But then again...nothing has.
All I can say is good luck.
Because just like us...it sounds as if you're gonna need it.
~Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps! }:)
Maybe a spanking would have an effect?
It sounds like you have tried everything else, why not go the old fashioned, tried and true method of a lot of our parents? It worked for me-!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Yea!
Contact Super Nanny and see if you can get her there! OMG. I think I would be in jail because I would snap and lose it on her.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Have you tried putting this
Have you tried putting this kid in therapy? I thought my son's anger was bad (no where NEAR this) and I took him to a psychologist to have him evaluated! I think instead of taking 1 things away, you need to take EVERYTHING AWAY...literally just her clothes and her bed in her room. Then she needs to start EARNING her possessions & privledges back. Or if she gets violent or out of control, call the cops & have them come talk to her, scared her into behaving. There are many more drastic things you could be doing to get through to this girl, and she obviously needs it.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
Thanks for the comments
Thanks for all your comments. I talked to my wife last night about it and told her to keep calm and not shout, just be forcefull, but when she asked for more money again this morning my wife just started shouted at her again. I told her, if someone is shouting at you, the natural thing to do is react and shout back/go off on one. I think this is what the main problem is, not just bad behaviour for the sake of it (although that does happen quite a lot as well - attention seeking). I need to get my wife on side before I can take this anywhere.
So it's me stuck in the middle, trying to raise my 2 yr old properly whilst in a war zone. I'm taking the strict, no shouting, no hitting (don't believe in it, even though I could kick the shit out of her sometimes), but following through with every threat and confiscating policy. If that doesn't work, then I'm suggesting going to the doctors/therapy.
I think Melis is right, a
I think Melis is right, a therapist to help SD control her anger might be the way to go. She obviously doesn't feel remorse for bad behavior, but rather gets more angry.
You are right, DW needs to stop arguing back. I think in this situation a good thing to try doing, but both of you have to stick to it, would be to shut her down completely. If she starts yelling, tell her once "I will not listen to you when you shout" and walk away.
The biggest thing is sticking to what you say. If you tell her you are going to call the police, call them. If you tell her no, don't bend to her.
Another possibility is to give her opportunity to earn some money if she wants to buy things at school. Have her do chores and pay her a small amount for each.
I hope you can find something that works for you.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
OMG...
that sounds horrible and sounds just like I have seen my SS act with his mom he is almost 9 now ! I cannot stand to be around him when he is with her. At first SS tried to be this way with H and I. He was almost 4 then. I took about 2 months of it and I told H then he was BF that either he got a hold of his kid or we were done. He then broke bad. It took about a month to get that control with SS then it took me about the same and all is good 98% of the time with us but now SS at his mom is HORRIBLE. I would probably beat him daily if he were that way with us. But the problem is and seems to be here is that the behavior was tolerated by SS and your SD by mom for so long that now they are trying to change it the kids think they are a joke and they know exactly what to do to either get what they want or the rise of you and they know if the do it harder and louder something will happen.
Others are right about be consistent and say what you mean and mean what you say. I can imagine how hard it is to not blow up and lose temper. You said you were going to stand by the no hitting, no yelling thing but there is a big difference in hitting you child and giving them a good old fashion whipping. If SD is feeling no remorse for her actions then there is nothing to stop her from doing them again and again and again. but the question is how do you teach her remorse and a concious? After she blows up how long is it before she is kissing mom's butt? Does mom stand fast by she is upset with her and does not want to talk to her? My SS will raise hell and piss BM off then will suck butt big time to appease BM and get her off his case and she falls for it everytime.
I agree about the therapy, and have you ever heard of RAD?
Have you ever heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? My younger stepdaughter has it, and your SD sounds like she's displaying a lot of the symptoms. As you've said that the mother didn't really bond with her when she was an infant, that may be what's going on, as RAD happens often to children who have not gotten their emotional and physical needs met well enough as infants and small children. It happens a lot to children who have been brought up in orphanages.
RAD kids react essentially the opposite way a "normal" kid would to discipline. Taking away things from a child who already feels she won't get her needs met will not work if she has RAD -- after all, as you said, she feels like she has nothing to lose." This could be why your discipline methods seem to have the opposite effect.
It might be a tough pill for your wife to swallow to admit that something like this could be wrong, but I think if you get that kid to a therapist ASAP, you can go as a couple and discuss your concerns -- including your wife's knowing that she didn't bond with her as a baby.
Good luck.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)