SD Hates me lol
Hi All,
Bit of a back story from a couple of years ago:
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/stepbio-fathers-den/considering...
Well we did move in together 6 months ago.
SD14 had been playing up a bit prior to the move but at all became worse just before they moved in. She was caught sneaking out from her grandparents place and had lost her viginity.
Her parents decided to change her schools to get her away from bad influences and within a week of changing schools she began skipping classes at the next school.
This all blew up one evening. I came home to be told that she had been skipping classes, SD was sitting watching TV.
I told her mother she should not be watching TV and should be in her room, I then left for an appontment. After returning I found out that SD had thrown the remote at the TV smashing it. SO had phoned BD demanding he immediately fly back from work.
BD is pissed at SO for making him return from work and they have a big blow up at the exchange that night.
BD works away week on/week off and makes arrangements for SD to live with his GF while he is away.
He notifies child support that he has 100% care of the child now and emails SO blaming her for "kicking SD out" and telling her that all "SD needs is love and understanding".
Ok, so that lasts maybe 6 weeks before BD and GF call it quits. It has been an on off relationship for months so there was no real surprise there.
SD visits occasionally, sometimes ok but generally full of crappy attitude.
Last week she gets caught sneaking out from BD's place again, phone confiscated, photos and social media accounts checked and it turns out she's been sneaking out continually, drinking, smoking, etc.
Tries to pack her bag and run away and the police get involved, the girl is just out of control.
So now we have a situation where SD will be staying at her BD place alone while he's at work for a week. With the neighbours supposedly keeping and eye out for her!
SO tries to talk her into coming back to our place each week but she refuses, why? Well apparently because she hates ME!
It's an aboslute joke. I've welcomed her into my home, renovated to make sure she had a nice room. I wasn't even coming down hard on her and trying to give her some time to adjust to the new arrangments.
Really don't understand why she hates me but in all honesty while she refuses to stay in my home I'll just consider myself a winner!
She's just provided me with a perfect reason to exclude myself from her company in the future.
Yay for me!
Oh man. She’s like the poster
Oh man. She’s like the poster child for problematic, ungrateful, little twit SD’s around the world.
You’re right. She is totally giving you all the ammo you need to dodge this bullet. Stick to your guns to keep her far, far away.
This child requires
This child requires constantly daily supervision and an alarm in her doors and windows at night. How sad that both her parents just want to dump her on the other so they aren't bothered to do so. I would be happy she wanted nothing to do with me either, but what happens when she gets knocked up?
Yeah, what's up with them
Yeah, what's up with them playing hot potato with her? How about they work together to get her the help/consequences that she needs?
Don't uncork the champagne
Don't uncork the champagne just yet.
What sometimes happens in these situations is the parents fight and fight about the unruly kid, meanwhile the kid is running amok the whole time, the kid ends up pregnant, and then THE ONLY SOLUTION IS FOR PREGNANT SD TO MOVE IN WITH HER NEW BABY.
So yea, you're getting out of one problem now, but when SD ends up pregnant, your SO might pull the old "we can't let the baby suffer" and then you will have (at least) two living in your basement for life. So even though it appears you're dodging a bullet now, there will be more bullets later. It's often written on this site -- women, especially, use these unwanted babies to justify moving their loser skids in forever. It becomes a nightmare for the stepparent.
Right now, your SD is getting the shaft, and it's manifesting in her behavior, but it's not your fault -- she has idiot parents. She's being shuffled around. She's being raised by a girlfriend. She's being left alone. She's screaming for attention and her parents are too busy arguing to realize the kid is about to ruin her life. Ugh, what a mess.
I doubt that she really dislikes you -- like all other stepparents, you're just a handy scapegoat. Try not to take it personally (I chuckle as I write that because I've taken it personally for 20 years!)
But I really caution you on taking too-distant an approach now. Whatever big mistakes this kid makes WILL have an affect on you. Her parents will feel guilty that they were such shitty parents, they'll feel her mistakes were their fault, and then they will attempt to make up the difference with money, housing, whatever the skid wants. And you will be the bad guy for saying no.
I can't believe your SO is OK with her 14-year-old daughter staying alone! Don't you find it unattractive that your SO is so irresponsible? I never wanted kids, but I would NOT have stayed with someone who doesn't take responsibility for their offspring. So unsexy.
Depending on where you live,
Depending on where you live, at age 14 it may not be legal to leave her alone overnight. I doubt leaving a 14 year old alone for a week is legal anywhere.
Don't be surprised if you get a call from children's services that the child is coming to you.
Thanks for the replies.
Thanks for the replies.
"Yeah, what's up with them playing hot potato with her? How about they work together to get her the help/consequences that she needs?"
This is a big one, prior to SO demanding BD return immediately we were all working together. I'd established some rapport with BD and we all attended a psychologist to get some help for her.
Unfortunately this all went south when SO sent her off to BD in the manner that she did. What pisses me off is that she did this without my consultation and then in later emails to BD she began signing them from both her and I.
One of her colleagues told her she should be using "we" instead of "I" now that we were a family. So of course BD has drawn the understandable conclusion that sending her back to him was in part my decision, which was of course not the case.
I can only guess that from there he's come to the conclusion that her not being wanted here was the largest part of the problem and was the main contributing factor to her crap behavior. After having to deal with her full time and giving her all the "love and understanding" she supposedly needed I hope he's worked out that this is not the case.
SO could definitely have handled the situation much better but in her defence she had been putting up with her crap for a long time and she felt that some sort of big shake up was needed to get BD attention and involvement. What she didn't think through was the reality that he couldn’t be there 100% with is work commitments.
On the plus side it appears for now that the parents are working together and have conceded that they've both made mistakes. They attended a meeting together yesterday with a support program coordinator and have a united plan for dealing with her running away etc. What came out of this meeting is that she cannot be left along while BD is away so her choices are to either stay at SO parents, come back here or begin the steps towards foster care. SO and BD will be speaking with her and giving her these options this morning.
I spoke this morning with SO about how we handle discipline if she was to return here. I told her my inclination was to lay it out straight right from the start with zero tolerance for her crap. She commented that she would "just run" if we approached it in that way. Her idea is that we sit down and talk with her to find out how we can make things more tolerable for her here. She's mentioned that she bored here and that the younger boys (BS11 and SS12) don't include her.
I told SO to just think for a moment about what she just said and that I didn't that we should be pandering to her wants.
I guess the answer lies somewhere in between.
Anyway we'll see what she decides.
Just to address some other points you guys have made:
“This child requires constantly daily supervision and an alarm in her doors and windows at night.”
Yep, I will be installing cameras within the next couple of weeks regardless of if she returns or not.
“what happens when she gets knocked up?”
Good point, BD took her to the doctor the other day and she’ll be having an IED put in when her cycle time is right.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply, It's good to get this off my chest to people who can understand.