About to give up...
I am so happy to have discovered this site. I am ready to throw in the towel and thought that I am the only one with unruly step-children.
I have two SS, one is 15 and one 16. They have been with us since I met their father and we have been married 10 years (BM died 5 years ago). From day 1 it has been a battle but now that they are teenagers I am ready to give up. Maybe I am being petty or take things to heart too much but they make it a point to do the exact opposite of everything I ask them to do, they are rude and disrespectful, I suspect they are stealing from us though I have no proof (money goes missing from my room and SS has new headphones the next day when I know he had no money) and when their father is around they act like angels and make me sound like some evil witch. I have pushed for them to work hard in school (which they could care less about), to learn what respect is and they have everything done for them but I have had to put up with it for so long that it is physically exhausting, I stress about it so much that it aggravates a medical condition I have and when I try and talk to my husband he either switches off completely or gets very defensive of them.
I went home to my parents this summer (which reminded me how much I respect them and wish I had the same) and when I got back they had also gone away and it just me my husband and daughter and it was the best week of life with them not here. They get back and the same old crap starts again. Am I a terrible person to think about how much better our lives would be if they weren't here? I hate that my daughter has to see what crap I have to take on a daily basis and she has to hear my constantly telling them to listen to what I have told them. I am not unreasonable and my requests are not rocket science.
I don't know what to do anymore. A few years ago I almost packed up my daughter and left but I love my husband and I couldn't do that to him or my daughter.
Any wisdom out there from people who have dealt with similar issues?
This is a great board for
This is a great board for venting. We're all fed up in one way or the other and understand where you are coming from. Leaving would be hard because we love our DH's as you do so the only thing most of us can do is Disengage to a degree if not totally. This means leave the rearing of the little darlings primarily to their Father. Unfortunately BM is deceased so you have an additional element but you do have an obligation to be sane for your daughter so disengaging may be your only option. Have as little to do with them as possible while trying to maintain peace with your Husband. He needs to be head of this but like most Dads, they guilt parent which means let them run amok, over indulge and overlook their issues. This leaves the objective party -StepMom- to be the bearer of all things "parental but not fun" which makes it easy for you to be the Bad Guy. Things become competitive, petty and 'us vs them' which is terrible way to live. Back off and keep the situation at arms distance. Pray they leave the house when they hit 18.
Yes - Stop parenting them and
Yes - Stop parenting them and leave it to your husband. Worked for me...Also, lock up your stuff. You have allowed them to treat you this way. It will be hard to undo it, but it can be done. Disengage completely from them and parent only your bio child.
I can really sympathize with
I can really sympathize with your situation as I was also the parent of two teenage step sons while trying to raise my own little ones. It is so so DIFFICULT! One thing I never tried that I wish I had tried was to really take the reins and treat them like they were my own unruly teenagers. I'm not trying to be a smart azz here or suggest that you're not already doing everything you can, I promise.
But...what if you set boundaries and set consequences for breaking the boundaries. Say they don't do xyz that you ask of them. Say that consequence is grounding them for a weekend. Would your husband back you up on that? Your step sons are already acting like you're the "bad guy" - why not try to actually BE the heavy and see if that gets you anyplace?
If your dh wants you to take more of a "real parent role" - it might work? On the other hand - I'm well aware that it could backfire like there is no tomorrow. I wish I had better advice for you. I was a complete and utter failure in my situation, with ZERO support from my (soon to be ex) husband, who wanted me to be more "hands off" and allow those monsters to live under my roof while doing whatever they wanted and NOT doing whatever they didn't want.
You might find that letting it all fly right here on this site helps a lot -- and I'm sure others here will have better advice for you that I have. You would THINK, having been there, I could give you ANSWERS...not so much.
Get a combination lock box to
Get a combination lock box to keep your purse in. It can be kept in the car trunk. Or the bedroom door can have a regular door lock with a different key but then you've got to keep track of the key. Hang it around your neck?
Read and follow this advise: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your support, it means so much to me to hear that I am not the only one.
ownedbypedro - I tried the setting boundaries, grounding, consequences for actions and it has completely backfired. My husband doesn't support me in it and could care less. He seems to think they can just do as they please.
Disengaging is where I will have to go. We have a bit of added difficulty in that we live in a country where everyone has maids and we have someone but I still do the majority of things because I didn't grow up like this but my husband did. So my first move, I have told the maid this morning that the boys are to do their own laundry, ironing and room cleaning. He (yes our maid is a man) is also frustrated with them so he is willing to help. In the past my husband has only ever dealt with the boys and their rudeness and disrespect with the maid complained, regardless of how much I told him.
I spoke to them yesterday and told them at 18 we can technically ask them to leave the house and they can receive zero support if they don't change and they seemed to think that regardless of what they did they would be financially supported for as long as they want. I put it out there and won't again but I made it clear to them that that is what will happen if they continue this way. I feel terrible saying it but I am counting down the years until they are gone.
I will give it a go today, I have tried before and letting go was so hard for me because I felt like I lost control of the household. I will concentrate on my daughter and making her life happy and healthy.