Becoming a step-mom to a 16 year old - advice
:O OK all, help!!!!
I am looking for advice. My husband's X just died and he is getting his 16 year old. He's had next to no contact with her due to her mother's efforts to keep them apart. The 16 year old has some mental issues which we will have to check out when we get her in a few weeks, but right now he's not letting me put in any advice about how we should handle it.
What is your suggestions. I know if I say anything to her about picking up after herself, eating right, etc, he is going to get on my case. How do I handle being a step-mother at 50? This is going to be horrible. Already he's including her into parts of our lives that I do not feel he should. I disagree but he won't let me put in my say. How do I handle all of this? Please help me. I know I'm going to have a rough time.
Nana - The best advice I can
Nana - The best advice I can give you on this one... and I am sure that others will disagree with me here... but I think you need to check yourself, and get a grip, and realize that this is not about YOU or how you will cope.
I am not trying to be harsh. But you really need to put yourself second - and this is my opinion - please understand.
This 16 year old 's mom just DIED. And she is going to live with her father that who knows what she has heard and what kinds of issues she has regarding him, her mom, her mom's death and the divorce.
Where is your empathy and compassion?
If I could say anything to you, I would tell you to forget that this child is a "step" and think of this child as an orphan that needs your help. Take your and your husband's emotional baggage out of it, and focus on raising an orphan. A child who has no where else to go.
Eventually yes, you will need to get on her to pick up after herself, eat right, etc. BUT you are planning for it being horrible before the kid even comes to your home. How do you know that she won't be so traumatized that she won't feel like a guest and be afraid to do anything while she is with you? Do you know that she won't?
You will get much further with your husband, and your stepdaughter, if you realize that picking up her things and eating right are not the highest priorities right now. Giving this child some stability and love are.
Again, sorry if this is harsh, but I think you are going into this the wrong way. If you can change your attitude you may just change this whole situation.
I completely agree with Stick
I completely agree with Stick about thinking about this from the girl's perspective, she definitely comes first here because she is dealing with some pretty serious emotional trauma. I don't think I could live or function at all if anything happened to my mom and I'm 29! I talk to her every day, she raised me and I know I can call her sobbing at 3am and she'll have comfort to spare (or "tough love" if she's really tired!). Losing a mom at 16 is unthinkable. This situation sounds so sad and awful, i'm really sorry for all of you guys!
And, while I agree with Stick on taking the very compassionate angle, I also think that you aren't out of line at all in regards to trying to prepare for this massive intrusion into your life. I would guess that 99.9% of us chose being step-parents, even if we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into, and it's extremely difficult even when you actively choose to marry someone with kids! You didn't choose it and it sounds like horrible circumstances have forced a situation that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
Any normal 16 year that lost her mother would be expected to have some serious issues and rightly so! Give her lots and lots of leeway and time to adjust and I would generally say that to you and your husband as well. I'm sure that none of you would have wanted this and are all just going to have to make the best of it. As far as being a SM, I would recommend working on your communication with your husband because it sounds like you aren't communicating well and that's the source of a lot of your anxiety. I'm sure he's completely stressed and upset too, it's a lot to handle, emotionally, let alone actually having your estranged, grieving, teenage daughter come live with you! Worst case scenario, she will be 18 very soon and I'm sure you can handle two years! I've got thirteen years ahead of me with my youngest skid, so two years seems wonderful. Anyway, basically my advice is to give lots of love to yourself, be compassionate and understanding with your SD and work on communication with your husband. He's the one that you're going to have to live with forever, not her, so that should be your strongest relationship. If SD turns out to be a total nightmare, grieving or not, get on here and vent and there are people that have similar situations and someone will always understand. Best of luck to you and I will say a little prayer for you guys tonight.
StepMadre - this is perfect,
StepMadre - this is perfect, well-written advice... seeing all sides and having compassion for all sides. Thank you for writing this!!
Stick and all thank you for
Stick and all thank you for your comments. Don't get me wrong. I do understand her grieving although at the present time she doesn't seem to be grieving at all. Her emails are showing an excited young girl who can't wait to move here. We are trying to comfort her with things she will be comfortable with. Remember this is a mentally handicapped child that has the mentality of a 10 year old. She has known her mother had been sick and dying for some time. So she did prepare for this all.
I too feel much sympathy for her because I just lost my own mother last year. So I am totally empathetic with this girl. I lost my father when I was young, so I do feel for her. I am trying to figure out how to handle conflicts that will come up being the SM. I feel that between adults, certain adult financial conversations should stay there and not with a child. That is what I'm concerned about. My husband and I are talking daily about the situation and trying to make her comfortable in what she likes and doesn't like. I know I have to pick my battles. Some aren't worth it. Like her wanting to wear black nail polish. Personally, yuk and I would forbid it, but is that a battle worth fighting? Nope, bigger fish to fry. Her mother never taught her about personal health issues to there is a lot that is going to be left up to me to do for this girl. When she showers, she never NEVER uses soap or shampoo. She gets wet and gets out. Her sister has confirmed our knowledge from when she'd come to visit. So, how do I delicately show her how??? These are things I am worried about. My husband is not the one that will have to handle the feminine issues. So ... who is left with it. I don't mind being a step mom and I was totally prepared when I met my husband because his daughter was only a little girl when he and his X divorced so there was always a possibility we'd have her. She come often, but we couldn't undo what mama did duing the week on just an every other weekend. I did more for that little girl than her mother ever did. Believe you me, when that woman's eldest daughter said to us "Mom just ruined my sister." what to you say? Yeah I know? No, we told her we'll do the best we can to pick up the pieces. So please take heart, I am coming here for help and support not for criticism and slamming. Plus, I have no intention of loosing a marriage over a child. She is not a child that will be gone at 18. She will be one that will stay longer because she doesn't have the mentality to go out on her own. I'm not looking at a 2 year deal here. I've already 2 children myself that are now close to their 30's. But raising someone else's child is different.
Anyway, I do appreciate some of the comments here. They've certainly helped and I appreciate your understanding. Thanks
Nana2
Nana - just so that you
Nana - just so that you understand, we aren't trying to slam you, but what you have written above, sounds and reads very different from your first post.
And what you are writing above is soo soo understandable. But I guess I feel that you may have written "this will be horrible" in a weak state of mind.
I know that sometimes I get myself a little wound up about the unknown - the "what if" and then when reality hits, I realize that I was getting myself in a tizzy for nothing. Or sometimes, I am right, but not nearly to the extent that I thought it was going to be.
So, for example, the showering can be turned into something a little more fun.
This is what I suggest, and see what you think...
When the little girl comes and makes the move, show her around her new home. LIke - yes, she has been there every other weekend, but now she's there full time, so you want to make sure she knows where glasses are or whatever. Or take her to the bathroom and say ....(for example)...
"This is where the extra toilet paper is, honey... and these are my shower things! You can use my soap and shampoo... smell! I love this bath soap because it smells so nice in the morning. And this is the kind of shampoo I use. What kind of shampoo do you use? I have to use shampoo for curly hair because my hair is curly. Your hair looks like it is kind of thick, so I know a really good shampoo and conditioner for that. We can go this weekend and buy some things you would like!"...
It can literally be as easy as showing her the way while asking her questions.
I think you are in a very very tough position, and yes there will be bumps. But it sounds from the above like your heart is in the right place. I think if this girl is excited she may be more willing to live with you and follow your household rules than you know...
I love your idea of how to
I love your idea of how to show her around and get her opinion on her smells, etc. While we'all all use the same soap, my husband and I have different shampoos, so that is something like I can take her shopping for to find out what her smell is. I love that idea. Believe it or not, I'll even have to show her about feminine hygeine. Her mother was horrible on that but I'm sure that another one of those things I can tackle in a shopping mode. Not that I even know what's out there anymore, since I've been 10 years free of times of the month. LOL, LOL. But I'm sure I'll learn. I've even ordered a book on "Between Parent & Child" it's kind of a communications book. So I'm trying all I can to get this down correct. I do have my degree in Psychology and child & Family studies but that was after my kids were gone, and before this advent. I'm soooo hoping it will all come back to me and that what I can do is help her mature to a wonderful young lady. I am not here to replace her mother but am here to be a mother figure and to help her grow. I know there will be tantrums and fights but you have that with your own child and they get over it. I'll keep this place in mind in a few weeks when she get's here and keep asking for more advice. Thanks. Appreciate it.
I feel for this girl. Having
I feel for this girl. Having lost her mother & having to go live with a father she doesn't really know...especially at 16-years old. She's going to feel like a stranger in your home. It's bound to be uncomfortable at first. Be sure to let her know you're glad she's with you. Be sure to hug her when she needs it, & be sure to let her know you love her & be sensitive to the incredible heart-break & loss she's experiencing. I, too, like the idea of letting her pick out her soaps & shampoos. Perhaps there are certain ones she's been using that she'll want to continue using. At least it'd keep something familiar for her. Good luck to all of you. What an adjustment!