I have similar problems as many parents in this forum...However I came up with what is think is a bright idea that really made a difference in my situation...

I blamed it on the father! and that made a whole world of difference...the other day when I was totally fed up with my step son's horrendous behavior and my husband's pathetic parenting skills and when our last argument was escalating at the speed of the light, because of my step son's bad behavior, a bright idea sparked in my mind and because everything else was not making any progress, I gave it a try..

I said to my husband, when he barked at me "you are against my son" I said to him: NO!!....ON THE CONTRARY, I'M DEFENDING YOUR SON FROM YOUR BAD PARENTING AND I ADDED: I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH YOUR SON....MY PROBLEM NOW IT IS YOU...YOU ARE MY PROBLEM, CAUSE YOU REFUSE TO BE A PARENT!!

YOU WANT TO BE A FRIEND of your child BUT YOU ARE NOT HERE TO BE HIS FRIEND, BUT HIS PARENT AND YOU ARE NEGLECTING TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO....BE A PARENT AND BEHAVE LIKE A PARENT...\

AND BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING SUCH A BAD JOB AS A PARENT, OUR WHOLE WORLD IS FALLING APART IN FRONT OF US AND YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

YOU ARE SO AFRAID OF BEEN A PARENT, YOU ARE AFRAID OF GIVING YOU SON GUIDANCE, SET RULE AND CONSEQUENCES AND THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY and you are not doing what you have to do.

AND THIS IS THE REASONING BEHIND THIS ....PARENTS BY NATURE WILL PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN.... YOUR MATE BEING A PARENT WILL LEAN TOWARDS PROTECTING THE CHILD....SO WHEN YOU ATTACK THE CHILD in your arguments YOU WILL BECOME THE ATTACKER AND YOUR MATE WILL BECOME THE PROTECTOR AND THE MORE YOU ATTACK THE MORE YOUR MATE WILL PROTECT THE CHILD AND SOME TIME IT CAN GO AS FAR AS BRAKING THE MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE CHILD FROM YOU THE ATTACKER.

SO BY YOU REMOVING THE CHILD FROM THE EQUATION....BY NOT ATTACKING THE CHILD (REGARDLESS OF THE BEHAVIOR)AND AIMING YOUR ARGUING TOWARDS YOUR MATE'S BAD PARENTING YOUR MATE WILL NOT HAVE TO BECOME SO DEFENSIVE TOWARDS THE CHILD AND CAN START EXPLAINING HIS BAD PARENTING HABITS.

THEN YOUR MATE CAN START LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE BECOME THE PROTECTOR OF THE CHILD IN THE SENSE INSTEAD AND YOUR MATE HAS BECOME THE PERPETRATOR HARMING THE POOR CHILD WITH HIS PATHETIC AND DEFICIENT PARENTING SKILLS.

WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I ARGUED IN THIS WAY IT STILL BECAME A BIG FIGHT HOWEVER AFTER A WHILE HE STARTED LISTENING AND DEFENDING HIS POSITION NOT THE CHILD'S POSITION AS BEFORE...

NOW INSTEAD HE WAS EXPLAINING WHY HE WAS CHOOSING TO BE A BAD PARENT AND NOT A GOOD PARENT AS HIS RESPONSIBILITY REQUIRED.

HE STARTED EXPLAINING WHY HE WAS CHOOSING NOT TO GIVE GOOD GUIDANCE TO HIS SON. WHY HE WAS CHOOSING NOT TO MAKE THE CHILD ACCOUNTABLE AND RESPONSIBLE....

AND WHY HE WAS CHOOSING ALL THAT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THE EFFORT AS HE SHOULD TO RAISE A GOOD CHILD TO A GOOD ADULT. WHY HE WAS CHOOSING TO HARM THE CHILD SO BADLY IN THIS WAY

AND BY THE END HE STARTED REALIZING THAT HE WAS GOING TO START WORKING BETTER AT IT TO IMPROVE HIS QUESTIONABLE PARENTING SKILLS AND TALKING ABOUT WAYS TO IMPROVE HIS DEFICIENCIES.

EVEN WHEN IT WAS NOT AND IMMEDIATE CHANGE...IT DID CHANGED THE DYNAMICS OF A USUAL ARGUMENTS ABOUT HIS SON'S BAD BEHAVIOR AND CHANGED IT TO WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING TO BE A BAD PARENT TO YOUR SON AND YOUR SON DOESN'T DESERVE IT ...WHY HE WAS NOT GIVING HIS SON THE CHANCE TO BE RAISED THE RIGHT WAY SO HE CAN HAVE THE CHANCE OF BECOMING A GOOD AND HEALTHY ADULT AND WAYS TO IMPROVE IN TIME.

DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO YOU GUYS??

SO TRY IT AND LET MY KNOW IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE IN YOUR SITUATION IT HELPING IN MINE.