Concerned and confused
I'm new to the abbreviations here so this may be long as I'm not sure how to use them yet. I have been with my fiance for 6 years, living together for three and we're planning to get married in nine months. He has 50/50 custody of his 16 y/o son and when we got together he made it clear we would not have children together. His son has been smoking pot since he was 14 and more recently doing mushrooms at our house. I fundamentally have an issue living with a minor who is in possession of and also using illegal substances. He buys them at school which in our state is a felony, and it makes it really uncomfortable for me to live here. He has asked his parents for a medical marijuana card and they are going through a therapist now to get him one. I am happy he's finally in therapy (he has had anger issues and tantrums since I met him at 10) but I have watched him manipulate, lie to, steal from and break the trust of his dad many times. While his parents don't think it's a big deal (they are a bit on the hippie side), it's very hard for me to believe that he could be responsible with this type of freedom. He has already ventured into psychedelics and while some teens who do drugs turn out fine as adults, I can just see this opening a door to drug dealing (selling to his friends at school) and my partner being found culpable (since I imagine he will be buying drugs for him at our medical dispensary). My fiance told me he made it clear that drugs are not allowed at our house, and if his mother is fine with it he can do them there, but every time he tells me he has it under control, we find him hiding pipes and cartridges or smoking at the house. It has happened too many times for me to believe that it's really under control. I don't know if this is a price of admission I'm willing to pay. When I signed up to be with this man, this is not what I expected. I know that we have very different parenting styles, and I'm trying to be calm and not interfere too much because it only breaks down our relationship. I don't know if it's better to remove myself from the situation or just stay out of it entirely and disengage from his son. It's a difficult call because we own a small business together with 8 employees. Maybe there's a small part of me that might feel better knowing that it's technically legal if he has a medical card, but I'll never be totally ok knowing that he's being approved for the card when his "anxiety condition" is not really a qualified diagnosis. Since the divorce he has always been very spoiled. (Disney land dad and mom syndrome) and I'm afraid he won't be able to fly the coop when he's older and that I may be living with an adult pot head in the house for a very long time.
I just had the same argument
I just had the same argument with my SO. I am aware teens experiment. But I feel as a parent it's our job to not condone it and especially not allow it to occur in the home.
I refuse to place myself in a position where I am liable in the event something where to occur.
Well, it's kind of funny that
Well, it's kind of funny that they think are they are going to get medical marijuana for a minor because he wants to smoke it - I can't see that happening, unless they have exhausted all other possible therapy and psychopharmocology options, which I highly doubt they have. Perhaps if he'd had years of treatment with no improvement, maybe, but at least in my state, it's pretty heavily regulated and you have to prove you've tried all other options first.
I will say, though, that just because he uses drugs doesn't mean he will start dealing them. But if he's using drugs to treat mental health issues, he's unlikely just to grow out of that and develop good coping skills on his own. People who use drugs socially as adolescents can certainly go on to lead normal lives, but if he's self-medicating with street drugs at 14, he's on his way to addiction.
I don't think I could stay to watch that - and I certainly wouldn't marry into it. Maybe you need to live separately to protect yourself.
I wouldn't get involved or move in
You can continue to date if you want to but I wouldn't get any further involved. Yes, kids experiment and go onto have successful lives (I know I did) but the laws in the US on parental responsibility are pretty extreme. I would not want to end up with a criminal record because of child and his permissive parents.
It’s really a DH problem
He is the one going along with the circus, He does not want to parent his kid. It's time to really start to think if you want to live this way. With SS controlling the house
Move
I lived this with my ex. Marijuana, then other things. It just doesn't work. You dont want to live that life. I would move, thats what I did.
Your fiance is an enabler.
Your fiance is an enabler. Yes, SS is 16, but what are the chances of him moving out, bettering himself, and being successful without Daddy there to bail him out? I think it's concerning that your fiance doesn't see anything wrong with this. I wouldn't involve myself any further. If anything... start thinking about your options with the small business in case things DO go south.
Also, HE made it clear that he didn't want kids. How do YOU feel about that? Would you potentially want a child one day? I wouldn't want one in THIS situation with him at all. But in general, with someone else, if your answer if even "maybe" I would seriously consider leaving.
Paragraphs!
Please.
smh
I can only think of one word:
I can only think of one word: RUN. Do you want children someday? If so, he is telling you it isn't going to happen with him. I wouldn't want to have them with him considering his failed breeding experiment anyway. I also would want to be as far away as possible from his son and his drug problems. Disney parents are enabling said son. Do you really want to be around all of that?
Thank you for your feedback
I appreciate all of the speedy feedback. It really helps to feel like there is a community that understands how difficult this type of position is in a family. I am fortunate enough to have a therapist who shares my point of view and is helping me through decision making regarding moving forward with the wedding and this relationship. I'm just glad I found this site as I'm not scheduled to see her for another two weeks and I was only made aware of this new development the day after my last appointment.
Also, to the one comment above, I will endeavour to use paragraphs in the future. I didn't realize that was a feature of this text box. I wonder if you're an English teacher outside of your blended family.
Has anyone in the forum dealt with teenage drug use in their home? I saw one short comment above that says they have, but I'm curious if anyone has stuck it out and what they faced.
Also to answer another question that came up more than once, my partner said before we started dating that he had already had a vasectomy and that he was ready to not be a father once his son was grown. I was uncertain whether I wanted kids or not, but after being with him and seeing his son reject me and how the parents are chosing to raise him, I was certain I didn't want them with him. I believe that with the right person I would really enjoy being a mother (adopted or biological), but it would have to be someone really commited to wanting a family, not just someone trying to make me happy. I have found other ways to scratch that maternal need. I built the business which requires a lot of my time and creative attention, and I am volunteering for big brothers big sisters in my area. It's not the same as motherhood of course, but it helps me to feel like I'm able to offer an important part of myself to others.
Thanks again.
There 20 Years Ago, There Again
When I met my (2nd) husband, I was 50. His oldest son was 19, married, had a good job. A year after we married, he was in prison for assault with a deadly weapon and served only one year even though his victim is permanently maimed.
His teenaged bride had fled the scene and he came to live with us and was very obviously using drugs. Couldn't hold a job, but DH didn't seem to care. So about then was when I began thinking I'd made a serious mistake.
It goes on...got a girl pregnant while still legally married to the first one.
She takes off to her mom's 1200 miles away, he follows and lives with them for a while. Then the parents kick him out, he steals a car to get back home and serves another year up there for grand theft auto and opiate use and possession. Comes home again and DH lets him move in with us--it's always "just until he gets on his feet." This pattern repeats again and again. One time when he had his own place for a while, we sold our house and moved 250 miles away and didn't tell him where but he found us anyway.
Next to our new house, we bought a beautiful rental house and furnished it completely to rent out online as a vacation house. That worked for a few years until he found us...another girl is pregnant, they're homeless, the baby due any day and she has two other kids. Of course DH gives in, makes me feel guilty about wanting to leave a homeless newborn and two other children on the street.
After three years of free rent, DH tells him his time is up so they move out...stealing all of the furniture and anything else they didn't ruin. And DH says nothing to him, like it's just fine that he took everything and trashed our investment property. He and his gf are always high and/or drunk whenever I see them. And by the way, the 19 year old I started this story with is now 42. I'm 74. My husband is 80. We're just trying to enjoy life a little in our old age and this is what we have to put up with and have for over 20 years, yet my husband remains in denial or says there's nothing he can do about the situation.
So I'm telling you this because it's kind of a horror story of someone who started out smoking weed and is now a full-blown addict and alcoholic and what that can do to several decades of a relationship.
As far as I'm concerned, this miserable piece of human detritus has ruined our relationship but I'm too old to leave and don't have the funds to live on my own. I'd give anything if I could go back 24 years and not get married. Or if I had seen the light earlier and left.
Sorry to be so negative, but this is the kind of thing that can happen. *sad*
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience.
I truly feel for you and for your DH.
Hopefully your DH has learned not to throw good money after bad with his convict son.
I can tell you that there are
I can tell you that there are serious potential repercussions. If anyone the school, a Dr., family member, friends parent reports his drug use and it comes out it has been allowed. Both you and the father will end up on the child abuse registry.
In my situation SD was stealing alcohol. It is now locked up. I have heard but have not witnessed that she has uses other drugs. I do not have any controlled substances in my house Rx or otherwise. If I did those would be locked as well. I will not allow illegal drugs in my home if I were to find them and SO refused to send her for outpatient drug treatment. She would be banned from my home with no further discussion
Being founded for neglect can effect any employment or volunteer work that involves a background check.
You have no control of your home or life
Others are controlling you. BF decided not to have children. BF allows sick SS to do what he wants. SS decides he needs to try every drug in the world.
Some people just can't live that way. SS is sick he not being treated it's only going to get worst
I could not live like this.
I could not live like this. This man's standards and values are too low and there's just too much dysfunction.
The boy is not going to be able to launch at eighteen, and when/if he does, he'll boomarang because his parents have chosen not to teach him how to be independent. And that's the part no one warns step parents about - that damaged skids may grow up, but they never really go away. The dysfunction will be a constant, the problems become more adult, and the skids keep looking to their enabling parents to bail them out. Do you want to still be dealing with this poo twenty years from now??
You should not marry this man. Move out. Continue to date him if you must, see if you can continue to run the business together, but get away from the dysfunction and continue to work on yourself in therapy. You may find that the air is sweeter and life much better when it's not dominated by other people's problems.