Definitely at the Breaking Point

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There is so much back story to this story that I don't have the time to tell all of it but about a month ago I posted a topic that outlined some really nasty behavior on the part of my sd15. She is a real peach let me tell ya. But I always knew that it was borne out of stress, hurt and anger with her parents. In mid January I had some friends out from all over the country, these were people that the DH and SD had never met before. Around February 1 I got an email from my friends who was here telling me all sorts of lies and mean things that SD15 said to them about me and her father. I confronted my dh on this because I was truly done and ready to tell the kid she wasn't welcome in my home until she corrected her behavior.

My dh finally took action. After years of neglecting the situation the dh finally addressed the issue with the BM. BM tells us that SD15 has been telling her all sorts of lies too. Things like my stepmom makes my dad cry. He wishes he'd never married her and he is stuck now, that sort of stuff. None of it is true by any means. At this point I was ready to ban her forever. But the hubby calmed me down and promised to address the issue. He did and told the sd that we know everything she has said and that it was not appropriate. Of course the conversation covered many things and snowballed into bigger issues.

But now, he is like "we are not going to discuss the lying" because SD just shuts down. Instead we are addressing the issues behind her behavior. Believe me I have wanted to address her feelings of abadonment, betrayal, hurt, anger, all of it, for years. But I still believe that doing something you KNOW is wrong should be punished. She knew it was wrong to tell lies, especially lies that could destroy my relationships with my friends. She said some really horrible and hurtful things about me and her dad. Addressing the underlying issues is very very important. But shouldn't addressing her bad behavior regardless of the motives? I think so anyway.

some of the more seasoned,

some of the more seasoned, rational, patient SMs need to come to your help....... where is STICK?

i would NOT allow her in my home EVER again.... dh would have to stay at his mom's, rent a hotel room, or put up a tent on visitation days......... i am so afraid of the up & coming years with my sd........... thank my lord, that my dh is a GREAT man and i like to think he will not tolerate that kind of unacceptable behavior......but then when you have all the inlaws, the FFC (very bad phrase, that we affectionately refer to our BM) BM putting pressure on DH for not being the best dad ever and all the problems with sd is because of him (ya know, b/c they are all so perfect)....

Betrayals like this are very

Betrayals like this are very hard to get past, I know! I have never felt the same about SD18 since similar things have happened, that were also never addressed to my satisfaction.

Oh well, my gift list got a lot shorter after that, since we are such horrible people, ya know?! and since we only give gifts, never receive them any more. I think it has made a point to SD, and I haven't heard anything said about us lately.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

I agree that there should be

I agree that there should be punishment for the lying. Feelings (fear, hurt, anger) are no excuse for inappropriate behavior. I would hesitate to say she isn't welcome in my home because she is your dh's daughter BUT she would not be welcome to touch any of my stuff, she would not expect me to do ANYTHING for her or with her, and she would have the bare minimums in my home (bed, clothes, food), nothing special until she straightened her act out.

Your dh is dodging the issue so he doesn't have to address the bad behavior and he can act like a "knight in shining armor" trying to fix his princess' "feelings". She won't change because no one expects her to change. She'll keep lying regardless because it makes her feel good. We addressed this with Creature (5 1/2) because she lies to make her mommy happy. Whenever we find out, she is punished. She knows lying is wrong and there is no excuse to do it.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

Yes he is definitely dodging

Yes he is definitely dodging the issue. He has this overwhelming guilt about putting her through a divorce that has caused him to basically back away from parenting her altogether. He has become one of those parents who only wants to be his kids' friend and leave the parenting part to someone else.

I have reached the point with SD15 that I no longer engage her at all. I am truly angry, hurt and disappointed by this behavior. I don't want anything to do with her, I make myself scarce when she is around.

As it stands, on Friday we will be sitting down with her and discussing all this stuff. But I really feel that because I am a psychologist my dh holds me to a different standard than anyone else. I am supposed to be all concerned and caring about the motives for her behavior rather than the behavior itself. While I am concerned about those things, wrongdoing is wrongdoing. It was blatant disrespect and lies. So asking me to disengage and act like a counselor is not fair.

In fairness, my hubby has made mistakes and he has failed on certain fronts he is working to correct the problems. I just don't always feel that I am an equal part of the problem solving. It is like, let's focus on the kid and me and you'll just eventually feel better on your own.

Alright, done rambling.

Yes he is definitely dodging

Alright, done rambling.

As a psychologist you should

As a psychologist you should know better then to try and work with your own family. You don't have the distance and perspective needed. And you know that. Get thee to an impartial party as soon as possible. And, yes, remind your
husband that this is not something for YOU his wife to deal with.

As her parent, he needs to do it. If he won't, ban her from your home. Your home. Let him see her outside of it.
Especially as she can't be trusted to be around you.
Not around you, she has nothing to lie about in regard to you.

And you should disengage. His kid, he has to deal with the fallout. You need to stop dealing.
Better for you, and in the long run, the kid too.

You need to take care of you.

No worries, I don't try in

No worries, I don't try in any way shape or form to work with my family. I use the analogy that doing that would be like holding a piece of paper 1/2 an inch from your face and trying to read the words on the page. It is impossible. Once you are emotionally invested, you can't be objective and treat the situation psychologically.

I hear ya.... Best of luck

I hear ya.... Best of luck with the husband. I really hate these situations where it's him not them....

I find it so sad that

I find it so sad that parents feel so guilty about divorce that they cater to their kids and basically set no expectations for them and set them up for failure because of it. He should feel guilty that he isn't preparing her for reality. NO ONE in the real world is going to give a damn that she is the product of a divorce. They're going to expect certain behavior from her and your dh is setting her up to fail those expectations. So he'll keep her happy in his home and then she'll go out into the big, bad, world and fall apart. He may be able to protect her through some of this by giving her money and a place to stay and bailing her out of trouble, but what happens when he is no longer around and she is an aged adult with no retirement, no life plan, no one who cares about her because she is a liar and too dependent?

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

Yeah-!!!! very short

Yeah-!!!! very short sighted - mine was the same for a long time but has finally improved some. I don't know why it is so hard for men? to see this. But I guess there are some divorced BMs that maybe do this too.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

this is what I keep telling

this is what I keep telling DH. You are not helping SD you are part of the problem when you do not allow them to step up and cop to their behaviour or take responsiblity for their actions. Instead it is ignored and never talked about again! So wehn they get a job and they tell their boss to f off do you think that boss is going to say "oh you poor thing, you have issues" and then never mention it again??? Hell no! They are going to fire your ass.
REAL LIFE!! Hello. She is supposed to get a job so she can get her license. This has been over a year now. Still no job. She says she is applying everywhere, but noone is hiring her. Ok no you sit in a trailer at your gf all day smoking cigarettes. That is not trying. So I got online and walah! Interview the same day for her. Go figure.
I know this is not helping to do it for her, but damn she needs a job so she can move OUT!!!

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Definitely at the Breaking Point