My therapy session after 2-week hiatus
I saw my therapist yesterday after more than two weeks. I saw him last on the morning before the big blowup with SD19, then he was off on vacation. Go figure. I clearly told him yesterday that I am done with SD19. I am not in therapy to learn how to tolerate a bitchy young adult SD19. I started the session by reading three pages of the blog I put here about the blowup. My therapist was furiously taking notes. I have told him before that I believe that SD19 is BPD. I told him about DH trying to appease me with promises of getting SD19 to therapy. No wait, she'll just CHOOSE a therapist this week. No wait, she'll just CALL a therapist next week. No....she'll CALL a therapist and then make an appointment for after July 4th. No......(and this is the good one).....I don't KNOW if she's made an appointment yet.
I told my therapist that I asked DH ONE time a few days after the incident if SD19 had made her appointment, knowing full well she hadn't. That would require EFFORT on her part and Daaadddeeee's foot up her ass to get her in gear. DH has a big foot (which only means big shoes...) but he never uses it. I told my therapist, we'll call him "Dan," that I might have gone to family therapy a few weeks ago, before the blow up. I told him how I was actually nice and even CALM when first addressing SD19 about the water bottles in the trash. I told him I choose not to talk to SD19 because she goes off on me and hates me. I can't win. I'm a SM, remember?
I told Dan I needed a "do-over," but the question now is, "Is the do-over WITH DH or not?" I told him I feared it was NOT going to be with DH, because it woud take moving heaven and Earth to get DH and SD19 to ever change. Even if SD19 moved away and was out of my home, she would always be in my life. I don't want that. She is not even deserving of my civility around her anymore. I have taken one too many hits for the team in this web of dysfunction. It's tough when you love your DH, but then realize he puts his fucking Princess above you. All of the time. I keep hearing " blood is thicker than water" from DH, but shit, didn't I marry into this "blood" and take DH's damn name? I have done right by DH for years, but things of late have gotten to levels that even I can't tolerate any more.
Dan said that BPD's are a therapist's worst nightmare and it takes a long time for them to chnage, if ever. They have abandonment issues, and nothing is ever their fault. "I hate you, don't leave me." Dan thinks that somewhere deep down SD19 knows that it's healthier for her to have me around in her life, even with the limited interaction. That she knows deep down that what she's doing is wrong. He added that BPD's only go off on the people they care about most. So far as I know, that has been BM, DH and myself. I told him I understood that, because the skid needs boundaries, but it's too late. SD19 can have one less person to go off on. I told Dan she isn't allowed in my home, that she left and came back the very next night with DH out of town. Dan said this was an example of her wanting to be somewhere safe, but I see it as SD19 not having anywhere else to go. Dan said that I need to ask DH to have SD19 go to therapy, to work on things, before I ever interact with her again. I see this as a long process, and SD19 is so messed-up, that she's never going to change. She'll keep spinning through her life, letting down the people closest to her wherever she goes.
I go to my parents' house today, as the SDs are returning from the beach. DH asked when I was going to return on Sunday? I told him as soon as he gave me the "all clear" that SD19 was back at college. And that I'd better not have to wait all damn day.
~ Moon
BM informed DH about 5 years
BM informed DH about 5 years ago that she was diagnosed as BPD. Woman has been on about every med out there! She is a mess! She does not see a therapist, so I don't know who is making the prescriptions. The smallest thing can bring a shit storm down on DH! HHB saying he wanted braces was a prime example! HHB while living here told BM she wanted braces, and DH said no. That triggered BM to call DH screaming and cussing...saying he NEVER has done anything for HHB...ever! Forget that between BM and DH, DH has been HHB's sole provider...okay, with my help over the years. Forget that at the time, HHB had already lived in our home full time for a year and a half because she couldn't keep her arse out of trouble! No...DH did nothing! Then, BM went off screaming about all kinds of other crap that had nothing to do with anything.
Other times, BM will call or text DH out of the blue wanting to talk about anything but HHB...usually in tears because she feels useless. DH simply tells her she needs to find someone else to talk to...they aren't married any longer, and they haven't been for 15 years! He urges her to find a church or therapist to help her deal. She never does.
Other times, the woman sounds like she is drunk or high...making no sense and being barely speaking in understandable words.
I have been thinking the last couple of years that HHB could also be BPD. I know it can be hereditary. HHB will have periods of being happy with everything being unicorns and rainbows, and for no reason, fly off the handle at you or be depressed. And if something doesn't go her way, she doesn't handle it at all! I have mentioned it to DH, and he denies it! "Don't speak that over her!" I'm not speaking anything over her! Girl responds to things exactly like BM, BM is diagnosed BPD, and BPD can be hereditary! Girl already has a history of cutting (at 12/13) and eating disorders (14/15). DH is not doing the girl any favors simply "speaking over her" that she isn't BPD! Someone needs to start getting the girl help to live with this thing...if in fact she is BPD and not just mimicking learned responses...or she has a difficult life ahead of her! With help, life can be easier for people with such disorders.
Oh, and for anything wondering...those 8 cavities still have not been tended to. BM refuses to let DH have it taken care of, because he told her straight up that he will take her half of the cost which she is legally obligated to pay out of the child support (cost back in January to fix them was close to $500 after insurance). So the girl still has her molars rotting away.
Oh, he doesn't have to foot
Oh, he doesn't have to foot the whole bill...hence why he told her if he takes care of it, he WILL short the child support for her half! But, he can't take her anywhere if BM will not allow it...and BM will not allow him to take her. The way the court order is written, BM can get anything she wants done and if she hands DH a bill, he has to pay half. Yes, she is supposed to consult DH on non-life-threatening issues, but she still has final say. DH can't get any treatment for HHB that is not a life-or-death thing without permission from BM. DH could actually get in trouble if he takes HHB to dentist against BM's will (like if he tricks them and says he is taking HHB somewhere else). BM doesn't want to pay her half, so she won't let DH get the stuff done. BM told DH she would get the work done at the dentist her mom works for...could probably get it done for free. Why hasn't she done it? Because HHB doesn't want to free up her social calendar for a dentist visit! Her excuse is always that HHB has been too busy...school, taking care of her stuff related to that car wreck thing, hanging with her now ex-girlfriend, theater tryouts, etc.
Agree with Cat here. Seems
Agree with Cat here. Seems every time you bring up things that DH and SDs do that disrespects or hurts you, your therapist brings it back around to you being sensitive to SD's issues! It's fine for him to acknowledge that he thinks SD is BPD and mentioning that she should really seek therapy, but he also needs to acknowledge:
1. She is legally and technically an adult.
2. She is not your natural or adopted child.
3. And based on 1 and 2, you are not obligated to put up with her crap or seek help for her!
What the hell is the deal
What the hell is the deal with YOUR therapist???
Are YOU paying this guy for YOUR therapy or is he some sort of family therapist who has been dealing with SD19????? Because he seems more concerned with her than with you - the client, the one who is paying for his services!!!!!
Honey. Tomorrow I want you to do two things. PLEASE.
1. see at least one attorney
2. find a new therapist - one who will put YOUR needs first, not someone who is not his client.
I feel like you are slowly letting yourself be drawn back into their mess.....
I'm at my parent's house
I'm at my parent's house tonight. Mom and I have done a lot of talking. She firmly believes I need to do whatever it takes to find happiness for myself. I told her I still love DH but I fear he will never change. Sometimes love isn't enough, esp when you aren't getting anything else out of the relationship. I told her I already have two attorneys I am interested in calling, I just have to do it.
Oh and get this. As I'm leaving the house today, I'm in the kitchen saying goodbye to my dogs and the AC comes on. I was near an air vent, and at first I thought I smelled a dead animal wafting up. Then it smelled like a dirty rodent cage! HHog has been in the basement in a walk-in closet type room. The door is shut at all times! WHY am I smelling dirty rodent one floor up and on the other side of the house? I guess DH didn't clean the cage all week. Ugh! I texted him to have SD19 clean that cage first thing today when she returned from the beach and to air out that damn closet in the basement!
Then I got into my car to drive to my parent's house. I turned on the radio and there's Ozzy, singing "Bark at the Moon!" How-how-how-howwllllll!
SD19 goes down to the
SD19 goes down to the basement. Dear daddy didn't do anything about the hedgy all week, and now IT'S DEAD!!! SD19 lets out a scream that can be heard around the world, as daddy has a sudden "oh crap...the hhog" moment! Crap, the pet shop is closed on Sunday. Daddy has to put up with a crying daughter all weekend! He will text you asking why you didn't remind him about the hhog. You will reply back, "not my responsibility! Remember, I didn't even want that thing in my house!"
That is what I'm picturing in my head as I read your post. Your mom is right...you need to think about your happiness! It isn't selfish at this point. When you give and give, and it isn't returned, at some point you just stop and think only about yourself.
I hope the poor little thing
I hope the poor little thing didn't die of starvation. Did you check the HHog? If not, do you think he's dead? You know from what I read, HHog's need lots of care and special bedding and need to be kept at a certain temperature in a clean cage. Sounds like the poor little thing got thrown in the closet with the door shut and forgotten about. I don't know about rodent care but I'm thinking; does a dirty cage smell that bad after a week? I'm thinking he is dead in order to create that type of smell that is strong enough to permeate your air system through a shut closet door. Death smells different than poop. Could you imagine the tantrum SD19 would throw if her precious HHog died while she was at the beach? Your DH would never live that one down and it would be yet another excuse for her to throw the fit of the century. I can just see it, she collapses on the ground in a heap of blubbering flesh and let's out a scream like she is being stabbed in the heart to be followed by hours of sobbing uncontrollably. "My baby.......(sniff sniff sniff).... my pre-pre- pre-precious, b-b-b-bay-bay-baby, i-i-i-is ga-ga-ga-goooooonnneeee......(snif snif snif-gasping for air)...........what am I to do............how will I go on" (as she raises the back of her hand to her forehead) }:) }:) }:)
OMG, what if it died? It's funny, sounds like the poor little creature is now an afterthought it SD19's world. I guess the novelty of having an exotic pet has worn off. I get the feeling that the only reason she got the HHog was to get attention from her sorority sisters. I can just hear it now "oh, isn't it cute", "oh, look at how special......you have a cute furry little creature", "ooooohhhh, can I hold him?" SD19 didn't want the HHog for any other reason other than getting attention and now that the little creature has served his purpose, she is done with him. If she really cared about her HHog, she would've called from the beach to check up on him and ask her dad how he's doing. I have a 5lb chihuahua (he's 11 months old and is such a little love bug) and if I left him with ANYONE for a week, you better believe that I would call to check on him. I know you love your dogs and I bet you would do the same.
The truth is, I don't think she cares about HHog at all. Part of me wonders if in addition to getting the rodent for attention, if she also got it just to piss you off.
If the hedgy made it through all of this lack of care and it goes back to college with her, I hope someone rats her out (no pun intended) and that she had to give hedgy up for good. I would take great pleasure in knowing that princess bitch lost her precious little pet because of what she has done to you.
Let us know what happens. If hedgy is dead I just hope he didn't suffer.
Both your therapist and you
Both your therapist and you are too concerned w/SD19 and her issues. At this point, why she treats you the way she does is not important. What is important is how you are going to handle it.
Your therapist should be helping you figure out why you let SD19, SD13 and your DH treat you so badly. And even then, don't spend too much on the why - spend time on figuring out how you are going to make changes in the ways you deal with all of them. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or some kind of behavioral therapy would be useful as it would give you concrete tools to use to set some boundaries.
Please consider finding a new therapist - and make an appointment with at least one attorney! It will so much easier to make some decisions when you have some facts from a lawyer.
Your Mom sounds wise, listen to her!
As far as the teeth - I can't see most judges holding your DH in contempt for getting 8 cavities filled with out BM's permission. Document her refusals and then take the girl in and get the cavities filled.
Moon.... this is what's stuck
Moon.... this is what's stuck in my craw: " I keep hearing " blood is thicker than water" from DH"
Did he actually Say that to you?? That sort of just sums it all up. That in and of itself, to me - Deal Breaker. This is his way of having a reason to treat you like shit and justify it. If me SO EVER said that to me he'd be a memory.
HHog is alive and DH didn't
HHog is alive and DH didn't have SD19 take it back to campus yesterday! He said the stink was from the trashcan, which could be possible, but I don't think so. Anyway, I said to DH that the HHog needs to be GONE NOW and he told me it wouldn't fit in SD19's car, nor would it fit in his quad cab truck! That's because no one planned ahead for the move to college and everything was a mess yesterday. So glad I wasn't here!
SD19 drove back and got the HHog today while I was at work. I am thinking about everything every minute now. I'm really going to try to get my nerve up and call an attorney this week. It's making me sick, but I'm getting stronger, I'm getting closer to taking steps forward towards my happiness.
~ Moon
Like Sally said...one step at
Like Sally said...one step at a time.
"...it wouldn't fit in SD19's car, nor would it fit in his quad cab truck!" What the hell does this girl take to school? All of my son's stuff fits in the back of one sport SUV (and sports have half to the space of a normal SUV)!! Only reason I'm even following BS20 to college next month is to make sure that his little Blazer makes it, since will be the first really long trip since we brought it back to life after it sat for 1 year (there is a stretch of some 50+ miles of nothingness that I would hate for him to get stranded in). I've seen the size of your typical dorm room, and I feel bad for SD19's roommate if she takes that much crap!
I am glad hhog is out of the house. May you never have to see it again! Beware that DH may try to get all lovey again now that SD19 is gone, thinking that you should be happy she is gone and be over it all. Don't let him! He still let it go down the way it did, and he still has yet to sincerely apologize for any of it!
Thanks for the update. I'm
Thanks for the update. I'm glad the poor little thing didn't die a painful death. Funny, she had enough room to bring the HHog but not enough to take it. If that was my pet he would've been a priority. I would've taken him and left a bag of clothes behind. I think this is proof that the hedgy is really not a priority to SD19. What a bitch.
I looked at the attorney's
I looked at the attorney's number a little while ago. I feel sick to my stomach. Still trying to get my nerve up and I feel weepy. Shit.
~ Moon
Just take a deep breath. If
Just take a deep breath. If you have to, take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On one side, write down any reasons to leave. On the other side, write the reasons to stay. Then, ask yourself, which out-weighs the other? Which is best for you and your health...both physically and mentally. It is time to think about what is best for you. You can't change people who do not want changing, and you can't help people who don't want helping.
Well, on the "reasons to
Well, on the "reasons to leave" side be sure to write "No nookie for 6 months."
Under that write "No nookie for 6 months because I have been enraged and humiliated and exhausted and disgusted and lonely for 6 months. And cops. And hedgehogs."
That is one half of Moon's Life 2015 Edition. For you to even come out even your dh would have to transform like your Fairy Godmother zapped him right now--Bippety boo! He's now wonderful, attentive, fun, fatherly not doltish with his daughters, responsible, thoughtful, fiscally sound, romances you so much your head is spinning 24 hours a day.
So that's 2015. What's 2016,17,18 gonna look like at this rate?
Maybe take another sheet of paper and on one half write all the ways you've tried to save the marriage. On the other side write all the things he's done to keep the marriage going. I wonder what that piece of paper would look like.
A rabbit who lost one of it's
A rabbit who lost one of it's front teeth. Long on one side and zero on the other.
I know that feeling. What I
I know that feeling. What I did: I had some of the paperwork/evidence that pushed me to the point of getting an attorneys number in front of me when I called. Helped remind me.
Maybe print a pic of the hhog and which ever post you have that still makes you mad. You'll still feel like barfing while the phone is ringing but your business-self will kick in once they answer.
Instead of your first step
Instead of your first step being calling the lawyer, why not have the first step be finding a place to rent for yourself?
What is your plan for where you will stay once you separate?
I'll stay at my parents'
I'll stay at my parents' house. It was so nice and quiet there this past weekend on the 4th. I loved it. So serene, out in the country burbs west of DC. I can also do a short-term lease near work and get an apartment, but why spend $1600/month? My parents said I could stay with them for free, and I said I would pay them something, even if it's $500/month. It would help them out a little, even though they won't admit it.
I just told DH that I felt sick and didn't want to eat dinner. I DO feel sick, but I also don't have any patience to sit with SD13 and DH tonight. Thinking of eating makes me nauseous tonight. I haven't been this way before and it's a combination of things....being on my feet since I've been home, very busy few days at work filling in for a co-worker on vacation, cycle starting, humidity and heat.....and yes, the looming choice I am going to make. I can hardly look DH in the eye. I wonder if I'll lose my composure in front of him and just blurt out that I need a separation? I fear that might happen, but I think I should keep my mouth shut and see an attorney first. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and I can make that call.
~ Moon
Moon- I know it's hard but
Moon-
I know it's hard but please try to eat just a little something. Even if you wait for SD13 and DH to leave the kitchen; please just take a bite of something. I know you're diabetic; can't it throw off your sugars if you're not eating? I can imagine that stress can throw you off too. I know what you're going through and it's nauseating and really sad but I would hate for you to get physically ill. Please take care of yourself.
Amber.
Agree. I'd be willing to bet
Agree. I'd be willing to bet most of your stomach issue is stress and I know from experience, it only gets worse if you don't have somehting in your stomach. Some soup and toast? wait until everyone clears out of the kitchen and then please take care of you.
Thanks, Amber and Margie.
Thanks, Amber and Margie. I'm going to eat a lemony fiber one bar, NOT drop it on the floor, pretend it's DH and proceed to blow it out my ass.
I feel better already lol. Sugar level is good, I checked.
~ Moon
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS EATING THAT I DROPPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!
Mmmmm...floor pie
I know, GF! That shit is
I know, GF! That shit is toooooo good to throw out! Order them in bulk from Amazon. 12 bars for $3.50!
I had a salad with grilled turkey and yellow peppers. Also a vanilla Muscle Milk. I'm good now, had some protein.
Tomorrow is a new day. I can try again to get closer to doing this.
~ Moon
You're my Mama Chef!
You're my Mama Chef!
OMG Moon we love those. Have
OMG Moon we love those. Have a big box in my pantry. I'm glad you're taking care. Hang in there!
LMAO Sally, I read it the
LMAO Sally, I read it the same way - then had to go back and re-read it more carefully. I was thinking OMFG she cooked her kids guinea pigs!!!!!!
I did the same thing! ::Waves
I did the same thing! ::Waves from Canada::
Sorry to throw off your bell
Sorry to throw off your bell curve
It's really frustrating right
It's really frustrating right now because everything is CALM. But I know the tsunami will come rolling in again. I really DON'T care, but just to push myself, I may bring up the subject of SD19's therapy again. I'll ask if she's made that appointment, you know, since she's back at school near ALL of those therapists. DH will say "no" or "I don't know." I'm almost positive no action has been taken, otherwise DH would come tell me, all proud of his Princess.
I wasn't feeling well last night, and I'm staying home today to catch a break. SD13 is here and I don't even know if she knows I'm home. So, any time I tell DH I don't feel well, he barely checks on me, if at all. It shouldn't be that way. Last night he made dinner, which I ate later, but afterwards he went to the basement and played his guitar. He came up later and we watched videos of how to play our favorite songs. I finally told him I'd had enough of the guitar noise. And he always manages to thump the bed with his knee as he climbing up into it. I always tell him to be gentle because it hurts my back and he's like a troll sometimes. Last night, AGAIN, I said, "You've known me nearly 10 years, WHEN are you going to figure out that my neck and back are sensitive on a good day?" I was nice, but I was trying to get my point across. He's like a self-absorbed teenager, on the internet NON-STOP.
This girl needs to be pampered so she can be a little vulnerable and let her walls down some. SIgh.....
~ Moon
Moon, I have some serious
Moon, I have some serious underlying health issues and when I say I'm feeling off he will drop what he's doing and come lay on the bed next to me "to keep an eye on me." He also watches me for signs of physical illness and will often notice before I do that I am spiraling down. "Do you need to take a med? I notice xyz." Me: "Huh? Wha? oh. um, gee, I guess?" He is always right!
Just for comparison I mention this.