Horrible stepson (13)
Im new here and just need to vent. Ok so I have a 13 yr ss. He and I were pretty good friends up until he has been secretly contacting his biomom 2 yrs ago. My dh and I have never told him he couldnt contact her so it was a shock that he was doing it in secret. theres been tension ever since then.
Let me start with the backstory of how and when I met my ss. He was 8 going on 9. He was sweet and quiet. Ive been told his bio mom left him with his dad when he was 3 and has very limited contact with him since. He was always honest and nice until 2 yrs ago. When we started witnessing strange and some times unsettling behavior from him. At first it was him being very quiet and not talking to anybody in the house. Then it went as far as him hurting the family cat. His friend came and told us he threw the cat against the wall in his closet. We asked him about it and he stared at us with a blank stare and said he didnt do that. Other times I would be in the kitchen studying or in our room reading and I would catch him watching me or he would be standing in the dark hallway. These are obviously very strange mannerisms from a child. So we took him to our local mental health center. Of course there he put on his charming self and didnt know why his parents would bring him to such a place. But over time, they thought he was depressed, has a.d.d.. So he was on meds for that for a bit. They didnt work. I am on guard all the time because my dh and I have 2 younger sons as well, 4 yrs and 18mo. He once pushed my younger son off the couch when he thought no one was looking, his grandmother seen it but of course he denied it until the end. He has held my 4 yr old down before not just once but a total of 5 times that Im aware of. He says hes just playing but when my 4 yr old is crying and the 13 yr old isnt letting him up. There is something wrong. We repeatedly tell him to not do that but when he thinks he cant get caught he will hurt the younger ones.
Before Christmas break his bio mom called his dad and asked why ss needed 5000 dollars! We had no idea he was even talking to her no less asking her for money. and why does he need 5000 for? Its been so bad in our house lately, with ss that we had him stay with his aunt for the past 3 weeks while dh and I decided what to do about all the lying, and passive aggressive behavior from ss. I personally think something is not right mentally with him. Because he has two sides to him. One, the sweet, innocent, talkative boy he saves for strangers and teachers and the ugly one where he is mean, rude, disrespectful, and does not acknowledge his family attitude. My dh is a little too lenient on him. He makes threats of tougher rules and consequences but doesnt enforce them. Well ss came back from aunts house 3 days ago, with an even more horrible attitude, he openly yelled at me, cussed at me, called me stupid, my rules stupid, and he would punch me if I was close to him. He said he would never listen to me and doesnt want to live at our house. And of course my passive aggressive dh told him to calm down and ss doesnt listen to him either. Ss packed his stuff in his laundry basket and ordered his dad to take him to his aunts house. DH almost did it, until I talked reason into him, well a little anyways. Dh never told him to apologize to me or nothing. He just kinda forgot about it. DH and I got into huge fight again tonight of him and our house. And of course where is our loving ss...at his aunts house again. So you can guess who obviously won that battle. He obviously likes it over there because he has no chores, no rules and thats what he wants. We are not mean to him at our house. I had few simple rules and chores here nothing like lving at a farm or anything. Get good grades in school, take out the trash, help younger brothers if they ask him for help. SO not sure what happened to that sweet kid I once knew, but I am not tolerating being subjected from a 13 yr old boy. And a DH who doesnt know how to discipline him. I gave husband ultimatum, either you do something about your son or me and my boys are leaving. I dont want my bs's to be harmed in any way by ss, he is very sneaky and manipulative and I dont want my boys around that kind of person. Also, kids can feel who likes them and who doesnt. My bio sons love it when our neighbor friend comes over. He is like our 2nd son. But my bio sons dont even give my ss a second glance. So I just needed to vent and so glad this place exists! thanks so much !!!
I am frightened for you, and
I am frightened for you, and your children. It seems that all of the aggression is directed towards you and your children. Your story reminds me of my step daughter from my first marriage. She was adopted at a later age, and as a result of living in and eastern european orphanage never bonded with anyone. She too could be charming, but there was also a vicious side to her. She too when she was caught would just give this dead stare. Her anger also was directed towards me, the mother figure. If the violence started once the contact with his mother started, perhaps since you are his mother figure day in and day out, you have come to represent her. There is a huge, huge stigma societally and more important mentally to being abandoned by the person who literally birthed you. No matter how loving you and your husband are, there is something about being left by the birth mother. My ex husband had found his daughter's birthmother, and she knew he would take her to Russia should they ever wish to meet. She romanticized her, but would never go there. Her behavior towards me escalated accordingly. My ex husband would never permit her to ever be alone with our child who was 13 years younger than her.
Perhaps, you need to install cameras to record his behavior. So you can show mental health expert. It just reminds me so much of my own situation. It concerns me deeply, thinking of this child getting older, bigger and stronger. There is such an age disparity between him and your other children that I do not think that it is normal brother type fighting.
Cameras are an excellent
Cameras are an excellent idea, but I would keep your two littles FAR away from him. You want to catch his weird behavior, but not his weird behavior if it involves one of your sons. Don't even allow him the opportunity to do something to them that would need to be caught on camera.
Wow. What an unfortunate
Wow. What an unfortunate situation.
My advice? Let him stay at the aunt's and beat him at his own game: 1. No more scary (and his behaviour is scary) SS in your home = peace and safety. 2. If he behaves well at aunt's, great! If not, let her see FOR HERSELF his scary behaviour. Keep your mouth shut because, in my experience, they won't believe you anyway. Just let him show his true colours.
I imagine that he won't be able to keep up the nice persona for her forever, and then you will have an ally in seeking some serious mental health assistance for this boy. Some of the things that he's doing are really frightening.
You and your children sound
You and your children sound like you are in danger. Why would you object to your SS going to his Aunt's house? I would put his ass there faster than you can say, "Merry Christmas" and I would pay her to keep him! Your littles can withstand being held down, but what if he rapes them. Sounds like puberty has changed him, and not for the better. Psychopaths start with hurting animals and you might have schizophrenia or something worse going on here. I am not trying to be an alarmist, just a realist, and I cannot imagine anything worse than someone hurting my children enough that they will be physically and/or emotionally scarred. You and your DH need to watch the movie, "We Need to Talk About Kevin" starring Tilda Swinton and John Reilly. Really.
Protect your kids. Listen to
Protect your kids. Listen to these other ladies. Your DH might get to the point where he wants him to move back- you need to be prepared to leave if this happens.