How do I help my stepdaughter deal with her mother
Forums:
I have a wonderful 12 year old stepdaughter. She lives with her mom most of the time, and weekends with us. She's the only kid. Lately she's pretty upset every time we pick her up or talk to her. For various reasons they often spend weeks at a time at her grandmother's house. She hates it there. She feels like her mom and grandma are always mad at her. She feels like they gang up on her because her mom will say something and then grandma chimes in with her opinion.
How do I help this kid deal with her mom?
You don't. She is getting
You don't. She is getting into her teen years and will be like that no matter what. Sounds like she is being a mom.
Yeah, 12 year olds aren't
Yeah, 12 year olds aren't supposed to like their moms. Mine just turned 13 and it's gotten worse LOL. Remember that you are going to hear one side, and she is likely going to exaggerate to get a rise out of you. It's totally normal.
Yeah, stay out of it. Unless
Yeah, stay out of it. Unless you suspect abuse, your SD disliking rules and discipline is normal. You guys are lucky BM isnt concerned with just being the friend and favorite like most BMs mentioned here.
Definitely stay out of it.
Definitely stay out of it.
It's more than the usual
It's more than the usual hormonal teen stuff. We can hear mom screaming at her through the phone when she asks if she can do something like go to a friend's house. They got into a fight because kiddo wanted to come to my mom's funeral! This is a kid who does stuff without being asked, or asked once, easiest going kid on the planet who tries to please everyone. I know I only get kiddo's side but I trust her more than mom who we've caught in multiple lies. She was crying on Christmas Day because there had been a big blow up over her coming to our house. This isn't new, it's been going on for at least 3 years.
I would love it if kiddo chose to live with us. If we wanted to sue for primary custody we would likely win. We haven't been evicted multiple times, we haven't had our power cut off, we have stable jobs, etc... He pays child support even though at the time of their separation she should have been paying him. They have joint custody and no specifics on how much time with each parent. But going that route would trash our relationship with kiddo. She loves her mom.
I guess I'm looking more for "what do I say to the child crying on my shoulder who doesn't know what she did to get yelled at". I don't deal with mom at all if I can help it. I find myself trying to rationalize her mom's behaviour because I don't want to speak badly of her to her kid.
My mom and I had rocky times during my adolescence but she never made me cry (mad, frustrated sure but never unloved). If your kid says "I love you" you say it back even if you don't like them much at that moment. Half the time kiddo gets "whatever".
You see the kid twice a month
You see the kid twice a month right? 4 days? It is pretty easy to behave only 4 days a month. To hear my skid talk we are just awful for every single rule we have. You don't know mom's side of things or why she's being told no. You don't know what goes on in her house. What you tell your stepdaughter is to respect her mother and her rules. And that if things are thaT bad she should talk to her mom about her feelings.
We have her 12 days. 3 days
We have her 12 days. 3 days every weekend. I know there's another side there always is. There are no rules at her mom's, there is no structure or consistent expectations. Kiddo never knows which house (mom's or grandma's) she'll be sleeping at and gets yelled at when she asks. That's the thing about FaceTime you hear a lot of the background.
We have heard her grandmother say "why would you want to spend time with your dad?" "You don't love me because you want to be at your dad's"
This is a respectful, loving kid. She has said " I could never move in with you Daddy because you have (me) but mommy doesn't have anyone". The tears are never over rules etc.. Those are the easy conversations.
It's the ones where she honestly doesn't know what she did wrong. She tries to talk to her mom about her feelings but that ends with mom getting more upset. I think it's because kiddo doesn't have the vocabulary/toolbox/skills to have that conversation without escalating mom.
When she asks me "how do I talk to mom". What do I tell her? She has now learned that saying "calm down " is not a good strategy.
Give her the facts of the
Give her the facts of the Custody/Visitation/Support case and of her BM's life choices and manipulation. 12yo is old enough to start exposing her to the facts and to start preparing her to be able to protect herself from the toxic crap of her mother and GM.
We used this tactic to counter the toxic manipulations of my SS's sperm clan and ultimately it has worked well to prepare him to deal with their crap now that he is an adult (23). He is well versed in recognizing and confronting their manipulative crap.
It took us a few years early in our marriage to land on the total confrontation of toxic bull shit tactic regarding the Sperm Clan. We started exposing SS to the facts of the situation in an age appropriate manner when he was about 8. Over the next 10 years he took more and more initiative to verify the veracity of the crap his toxic sperm clan exposed him to. By the time he was in his mid to late teens he could immediately call them on their crap when they spouted it. Frequently after returning home from a sperm land visitation he would dive into our Custody/Visitation/Support filing cabinet to look into something they spouted that did not pass the smell test.
It worked for us.