I am disengaging but have questions
I have been disengaging myself from SS17 for about 1 month now. So far, it works for me. He lives with us full time but we hardly talk to each other, pretty much ignore each other. The "final incident" that led to my decision was when he was treating me absolutely disrespectful and me and DH had a conversation with him and he got grounded. The next day we went to the store and DH asked him if he needed anything. He asked for cigarettes. He is 17... I told him that we wont support his smoking habit and at the same time, DH asked him for the exact brand of cigarettes so he could pick them up at the store. I asked DH if he was serios but he just got up and left to go to the store (and get SS the cigarettes). I was furious with DH and we had a big fight about this. His point was that he felt he had to pick his battles and decided it was easier to fight with me than with SS because he was tired with SS attitude. I told him that I was very hurt because he chose to fight with me and obviously had no regrets about it, especially because what he did was illegal. We didn't really talk for about 1 week and when we finally did, I told him that I am thinking about moving out because I can't live like this anymore. Instead I decided to disengage and it works pretty well. When he turns 18 in a few months, I will revisit the option of moving out because then DH can make a decision between him or me.
Anyway... I have been disengaging but have a question or need an opinion about it. There are obviously still things/behavioers that I feel are not acceptable. How should I handle these? Do I ask DH to address them with SS? Do I address them although I don't speak to him about anything else? Do I just leave it be and hope DH gets tired of it and addresses them himself? How should I handle issues while being disengaged?
Do you or your DH smoke? Were
Do you or your DH smoke? Were you under the impression you would live in a non-smoking house? I don't smoke and for me, smoking would be a deal breaker, but to each their own.
Anyway, you don't have to disengage from everything all at once if you don't want to. It's kind of what you feel comfortable with. I do as much disengaging that I need to lessen the resentment I'd feel otherwise. As far as addressing behaviors, I'd forget telling your DH, he's obviously not listening. If you give a few examples of your SS' behavior, maybe some of the posters can suggest examples of how to handle them. It depends on what type of things SS is doing that bothers you.
You probably shouldn't be doing anything that makes your DH's life or your SS' life easier. Just do enough to make life tolerable to you. I'd quit talking about leaving for now, and just maybe start packing some boxes so you'll be ready if need be. It doesn't sound like your DH is taking you seriously anyway. I knew of a poster here who did not move out, but she had already packed a lot of her things, and just kept them in boxes in the attic.
I think you should stand your
I think you should stand your ground and if DH doesn't do anything about anything then you know you have your answer but do not allow him to disrespect you. You are supposed to be working as a team him choosing to fight with you and not SS was disrespectful and you don't deserve that at all. I tell my husband he has one chance to take care of whatever is going on and if he doesn't then I will do what I have to do and I am going to make sure he wishes he handled it the first time. That is how I feel anyways I have been in that situation before with my husbands oldest and I am sure I will again with the 14 and 15 year old before long but my husband has my back 100% and your husband should have yours no matter what!!!!!
We are a non -smoking house.
We are a non -smoking house. SS is smoking, but is not allowed to smoke in the house and he doesn't. So that's good!
I like the "situational disengagement" theory. Since SS lives with us full time, I guess I have to put down my foot sometimes.
The behavior that I find unacceptable is his laziness: He gets up at noon, leaves the house to hang with his friends and comes home at night expecting food to be cooked etc... He doesnt have a job (says he is looking, but who knows how serios he is about it), he plays video games all day long and never sticks to the time he is telling us that he will be home. That annoys me because we have 2 dogs that start barking when he arrives late at night long after the agreed upon time.
It is not a major safety concern but it is a house rule after all and I believe it should be enforced.
Is he doing full time
Is he doing full time anything? School or Work? You should tell him either full time something (since he's apparently old enough to smoke) like an adult. Full time work and pay rent or full time school and support self (clothes, toiletries, etc.) Tell him that he needs to begin looking for work everyday at 8am since that is the time most places are looking to hire people (8am-12pm) and he needs to go out and look for a job. Don't allow him to sleep until noon and go hang with friends as he will need to support himself in a very short amount of time.