I can count, obviously he can't
A little background, I have a dh who has a 15 yr. old daughter being raised by his parents. I have 5 kids, three from a previous relationship and 2 with dh. I have no relationship with his kid girl whatsoever. If she were to see me at a store with my kids, solo or even with dh she wouldnt acknowledge me cuz she's been given the choice to live with her well off g-parents who spoli her rotten and have somehow someway allowed her to think the world should kiss her ass cuz her mama left her at 5 mos. She hasnt come to our house for about 3 or 4 years now cuz she's feeling left out?? Whatever that means, in my opinion shes a jealous little brat who resents the two kids we have together and has been brain washed by her g-mother that she is a little jewel and has been put on a pedestal.
Ok so dh comes home from work yesterday to tell me that some secretary where he works asked how many kids WE have and he says 6? I'm thinking in my mind, really 6. Umm lets see here in this house I have a 17 yr. old dd, a 13 yr. old ds, an 11 yr. old dd, a 4 yr. old dd and a 2 yr. old ds. That'd be 5 kids. I freakin hate when he does this it annoys the hell out of me because he counts her in whenever he feels guilty. I have no say so in her life, I'm never invited to any of her glee club crap she does cuz she has to be in the spotlite for EVERYTHING! UGH. I personally dont call her my step daughter cuz she's not, I know nothing about her, she's as good as a perfect stranger to me. I'm sorry if he feels hurt by this but its his own doing. This is what he wanted, this is what he has allowed to happen so he can keep the guilty crap all to himself cuz I dont want any part of it now.
Ok like I said we never see this girl but yet for Christmas he gives her $200. Our limit for each kid is $250 so it made me sick to my stomach that he went and gave her this much. We dont have money like this, we live paycheck to paycheck. He doesnt make her part of the family so I dont see why she's entitled to that much. I'm not saying dont give the girl anything but really that much?
I just hate hearing and seeing his guilt trip every now and then.
Ok I'm done....for now :? Just needed to get that off my chest.
He DOES have six children if
He DOES have six children if he counts yours, be glad he does that. Not all stepdads count their stepkids as their kids. I could definitely understand if YOU said you had 5 kids, but not him. She is his daughter no matter what kind of relationship you have with her. She also should be treated fairly when doling out presents too. Just because she doesn't have a relationship with you doesn't mean that he should not have a relationship with her.
My x has no relationship with his daughters because he has absolutely has no spine. He lets his wife dictate what sort of contact he can have with his own children. I can't respect a man like that. If my husband were to treat his daughters poorly because of whatever I felt towards them, I couldn't respect him either.
I never say I have four kids because I don't. I have two and he has two. I always clarify that. I get along great with his kids, but they already have two parents. I don't need to mother them. They already have one. I can be the fun aunt.
However, your husband should insist that she also respect you and acknowledge you if she sees you anywhere. It doesn't matter what type of relationship you have with her. You are her father's wife. This is HIS fault. Not hers. You shouldn't blame HER for a spineless father.
I'm in total agreement with
I'm in total agreement with Totalybogus!
He's not raising her, I can
He's not raising her, I can count the number of times on one hand that he sees her in a year and they live about 7 minutes away. He makes no choices for her, he's not allowed too. He doesnt parent her in any way whatsoever. And although you say she she be treated fairly when presents are given out why. Thats my money too.If we make agreements on what to buy for the other kids then I expect my arguement to be heard and respected. If she doesnt want to become part of the family because she wants to be the only one in his life, so she pouts about it then I dont think she should be treated as part of the family. The one time she came here oh about 3 years ago, school had just started and she decided to steal my dd's new clothes and then had the nerve to lie about it all, I kinda thought that his way to handle it was bullshit, "oh I'll just go buy her some clothes." :? Umm no reprimand no nothing thats straight up BULLSHIT!! Had it been one of my kids he woulda been trying to seek therapy cuz he just knows theyre gonna grow up in the system.
As far as I should be glad he's counting my kids, why wouldnt he he's allowed to have a say so in their life. He sees them every day, they want a relationship with him. Things arent always peachy between them but they dont run to another household cuz theyre not getting their way.
Thing that pisses me off is that not one time ever have I been mean to his kid, never raised my voice always been super nice to make her feel comfortable when she would come over. I've invited her too many places with us, bought her things if I bought my kids things always left that extra space for her here and she just totally stops coming over. Her invitations refused, her things just sat and got dusty. Missed her half sisters baptism cuz she had a softball game that was much more important.
Ok so yeah biologically he has 3 kids and I have 5 but when he brought that up I'm thinking actual parenting wise.
I know he's 90% to blame but when she acts like she doesnt know us or wanna spend time with us even at vacation time when were all together then she needs to be held accountable for it. Shes gonna be 16 soon and not a 5 year old and knows exactly what shes doing.
I realize that mom, but she
I realize that mom, but she doesn't live with you. You actually don't have to worry about her at all or plan anything for her. It is his responsibility to deal with her. You should feel relieved that you don't have to put up with her.
As far as equally gifting, he still should. He is still her father and she seems to have a relationship with him. I could understand your anger if she was treating you like that and lived with you or during her visits, but she's not. She simply doesn't want to participate in your family life. Good. Let her father deal with her. You don't have to. You can concentrate on the five you have.
Yes, if she stole something, I'm right there with you. He should have disciplined her instead of "I'll buy you a bigger bag" type fix. But again, he is the problem. He lets her get away with these things.
Be glad she doesn't live with you and that your contact with her is limited. She sounds like a very selfish girl. I wouldn't WANT that around my other children.
Thanks. I guess I'm trying to
Thanks. I guess I'm trying to get down to deeper darker issues here. It wasnt supposed to be like this. When we first met we were gona bring our lives together and at that time she wasnt living with his parents. About half a year into our relationship I was told that she chose to live with his parents and he allowed it. She usually just calls him for his signature or to go watch her at one of her school functions. It hurts but it hurts more that he knows it bothers me and still tries to bring it up like its all good. Sorry I'm not gonna count anyone that I know nothing about or that wants nothing to do with us. I didnt sign up to be married to someone with a whole nother life on the side, I'm not cool with that. Had her mother still been around well then I woulda known he'd have to deal with her still for the sake of his kid, but thats not the case here, yet somehow I gotta deal with it?? Naw, I'll just stick to making sure the two we have together have a good life and when I've had enough (hopefully when ds2 is in school and I've completed some kinda schooling) I'm leaving. I'm not wasting my life on unhappiness. We agreed we were gonna share our lives and everything in it together and I'm doing my part and its just not fair that he ended up choosing not too.
Your problem definitely seems
Your problem definitely seems to be with your DH not the child. Sure you have issues with her but they are primarily DH created. It was his decission to allow her to live with granparents instead of forcing her to deal with her SM and Step Sibs. He is the one responsible for your frustration. I would bet it almost feels like you are snubbed...like you arent good enough to step parent his daughter. Your kids arent good enough for her to have to deal with. I would not like that and probably wouldnt be able to deal with that either. I would tell him to man up and to not put his parental obligations onto the grandparents. It sounds like he may maintains custody and just allows her to reside there is this correct? Even if it is not unless he is a convict I doubt there are many judges that would not grant custody to the BF if he requested it over a grandparent. You are allowed to change your mind at any given time, and I would push him to do so only because it obviously bothers you so much that he doesnt.
Just remember you get what you ask for....if you draw your line in the sand and DEMAND that he parent his own teenager and bring her into the fold kicking and screaming whether she likes it or not....then be prepared. She is going to be hell on wheels. You better really want to step parent her or else you are asking for a hell to be brought on you that is only going to make you more angry, hateful, and ready for divorce. Think really really hard about it. You seem to have a situation alot of SM's on this site would kill for. Minimal exposure to a toxic teen step. You seem to hate this....which I commend and I believe I would also....but most SM's would LOVE your situation. Think long and hard before continuing to push the issue and really ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Lack of control? Do you feel dissed? Good luck and I hope you find peace in your family.