I have a secret
I have a secret and it's killing me. I've had my two teenage stepkids full-time for four years. They are originally from a very dysfunctional family, but honestly, I didn't know how dysfunctional until we all moved in together. This summer their bio mom got her act together, so they are in another city with her for eight weeks. At first I was just super happy for them that they get to spend some time with their bio mom. But now that they're gone ... I realize that I don't want them to come back. My husband, my son (9) and myself are having a wonderful time. There's no stress, none of the regular teenage issues (coming home past curfew, etc.) and none of the issues that are a leftover/hangover from my husband's previous marriage (hoarding food, etc.). It helps that my 9 year old is really easy to parent. It's awful, isn't it? I'm supposed to be missing my stepkids. I'm supposed to be wanting to live with them. But the truth is, I don't. I don't know what this means or what I should do. 
who says you are supposed to
who says you are supposed to miss them and want them living with you? who put that expectation of your feelings on you? it's not true. you can feel however you feel and it's not wrong. it's ok to not miss them or want them around. i never missed sd19 when she was wrong, and when she moved in with us, it was a very chaotic, stressful and miserable time for me, and it lasted a year. don't be ashamed to be enjoying their absence. you aren't their parent, you aren't obligated to love them unconditionally.
As I respond to this, tears
As I respond to this, tears are rolling down my cheeks. I feel so relieved at your words. Thank you.
you are among friends here!
Thank you so much! Sharing my
Thank you so much! Sharing my secret was one of the harder things I've had to do recently, but I feel so much better that no one (yet!) has said that I'm a terrible parent for feeling this way.
the real sm's on here will
the real sm's on here will not say that to you, we all know how it is. the only ones who would say that are the bm's who come here poorly disguised as sm's. fortunately there are more of us than there are of them! don't beat yourself up. i've had much, much worse thoughts about sd19 than just being happy she is away for a while. }:)
As far as I'm concerned,
As far as I'm concerned, you're a wonderful parent for having had them full time the last four years and thinking you would miss them in the first place!
You are not alone with your
You are not alone with your secret...and you are NOT a "bad person" because you feel the way you do. This is a safe place, and we are all so glad to have each other. Posters here bring lots of different opinions and bits of advice. Take what works for you, discard the rest.
Welcome.
I can definately second that
I can definately second that one among friends is right! I loved the comment about hourding food!?! Why? I still don't understand this habit. My SD 14 will take any pre-packaged food down to her room and leave me nothing to pack for lunch for our bio kids 5/7??? So I am constantly hitting a grocery store in the morning to pack lunches!! My SD also spent 8 weeks with grandparents this summer and I cried the night before her return. Did not miss her not one hour. She absolutely makes our entire family dysfunctional. I thought I was the only person with a weird-teenager walking around the house hourding food and acting miserable.
BI is 100% right. I would be
BI is 100% right. I would be the happiest woman on this planet if my SD moved away with her mother. And I don't feel one bit guilty about it and my DH knows it.
i meant i never her missed
i meant i never her missed her when she was gone. i guess "wrong" was freudian slip!
I guess either one works!
I guess either one works!
It is perfectly natural to
It is perfectly natural to want calm instead of chaos. Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe they will want to move in with their mother. Are they boys or girls?
The boy is 16, the daughter
The boy is 16, the daughter 14. I hope they will want to stay with their mom, as her new-found state of wellness seems to be real. It sounds terrible to admit this - here goes another secret! - I kind of think that she might be better for them than I am. I'm not being modest; I'm a solid parent. But part of me wonders if my constant hardline approach, which has made me become over the past 4 years more of a dictator than a democrat, is *all* that they need. For all the complaining I've done about BM, she is now in a stable place with more than enough income ... and the time needed to put into straightening the kids out. She's *got* to be less tired than I am. I am pretty sure she'd love them to live with her. My husband, though, can't shake the memories of the awful years to see her as a possible parenting option.
I can understand your
I can understand your husband's hesitation. Perhaps when they come back, he should do more of the parenting than you so you don't have to be the dictator. I think you need to have a discussion with your husband. You don't have to admit exactly what you've admitted to us, but you can voice that things might need to change to provide a better environment for everyone. Surely he notices the difference with them gone.
Families are not a democracy.
Families are not a democracy. They are a dictatorship. There is a fine line between a child (of any age) speaking an opinion and talking back. One cn be tolerated in a limited way, the other should be ZERO tolerance. Only the parent present at the time can make the call on whether or not a child is reasonbly expressing an opinion or being a lippy little shit.
So, don't feel bad. Your consistent behavior in holding the children in your home accountable for their actions and behaviors is the best thing any parent can do for a child. Parents that are dedicated to preserving and building their child's self esteme rather than teaching that child to actually perform and be accountable for their own performance are idiots IMHO and are doing no one a favor including their own child, themselves for society at large.
There was a time when a trophy or award actually meant something. Now they are just tokens of the lack of testicular fortitude in parents, children and unfortunately in our society.
Hang in there Mom. You are likely the only REAL mom these kids have or ever will have. Never feel bad about that.
Best regards,
Thanks, Rags. That helps a
Thanks, Rags. That helps a lot - I was feeling like all the energy I was putting in to parenting them in terms of the most important stuff (boundaries, respectful behaviour, etc) was perhaps misplaced. Now I feel reassured that I'm doing a good job. And yes, I am the only REAL mom, or at least I was up until BM got well.
This whole thing should be
This whole thing should be copied and pasted everywhere!
I literally breathed a huge
I literally breathed a huge sigh of relief after reading the initial post and your comment. I am so glad I found this site, because, even though logically I know it's not true, sometimes it feels like I'm the only person in the world feeling this way!
Before we moved to this state, DH and BM had a 75/25 split, with the s-kids with her two nights a week. I literally counted the minutes until they left, and dreaded the minute that poor excuse of a mother pulled up in the driveway with them.
Now, since we moved, we have them all the live long day. Except for the one weekend a month we have to bring them north to BM. (That's all she wanted them, by the way.)
And since I don't work, I am now experiencing the horror that is summer vacation and I am with them EVERY FREAKING MINUTE. So I know exactly how you feel.
I sort of feel bad because my son is 3 and he's awesome and my DH always tells him he loves him, and DS3 loves him back.... and I can't stand to be around his kids...
Newwife3, I really had to
Newwife3, I really had to have a good hard think after reading your reply. Am I kind and fair? Mean and cruel? After much introspection, I realize that I have been fair but possibly not kind. I haven't had the emotional energy or the time to put in to being kind. I think that's what I was trying to get at in my "I'm a dictator" comment ... I have rules, I make sure the kids follow them, but I haven't been dispensing a lot of hugs lately. That's good self-knowledge to have. I need to think about whether I can find it within myself to be kind as well as fair.
No, you aren't wrong or bad
No, you aren't wrong or bad for feeling this way.
My SD9 is with her mother for her week of extended visitation for the month, since she's on summer break. It's also my SD5's week to be at her mom's house. How lucky, these just lined up this way.
I am SO excited about this week. I have only MY daughters, MY son, and my SS13 (who is pretty much a gem, besides being a dicky teenager sometimes, but so is my DS13, so it's not like it's just the one kid being a douche).
I told DH this morning that this was going to be the best week of the whole summer. He said "I wonder what the girls are doing..."
Who cares?!!!
I think it does not make you
I think it does not make you a bad person not to miss them.After all teenagers are exhausting and if they are not yours it is even harder.So please don't blame yourself.At the same time, expecting that they will always be living at their BM needs to be recognised as wishful thinking....So try to stay positive when they come back and don't push yourself into trying to love them.Just stay fair and nice to them, that is all you need to.Leave all the dramas to ou hubby and support rather him than them:)
I don't think you should miss
I don't think you should miss them, you are not obligated to have feelings for a step child, though some Bio parents like to force it on us, it is hard enough putting up with your own bio teenagers, let alone someone elses, so your happier now there is less stress in your home, who would'nt be?
Wow, thanks everyone! It
Wow, thanks everyone! It honestly never occurred to me that my feelings were shared by other stepparents. In addition to feeling relieved and like less of a bad person, I now have this phrase to hang on to: "fair and kind". I need to get my husband back in the parenting loop even though he's working nights so I can get back to being kind. You guys are awesome!
Please read Stepmonster!x
Please read Stepmonster!x
Send an "advertisement" to
Send an "advertisement" to the bio-mother as if it were from some (fictional) attorney advertising that "if you take physical custody of your kids on a permanent basis 'we' can get you child support".
Maybe she'll decide keeping them is a good idea. Step-"mother" is a mis-leading term. Don't think that just because you wear that hat you have to feel the same towards them as you do your biological child. As long as the step-kids feel comfortable in your house you've done your job.
I agree! I just had SD16 for
I agree! I just had SD16 for almost 4 months and I want her out already! I thought I'm a horrible person and so glad that it's natural to feel this.
SS11 and SD10 planned to be
SS11 and SD10 planned to be at their out of state grandma's (BMs mom) for two weeks this summer. Two weeks with just me, DH, and OUR kids. Even better, the trip was extended for two more weeks!! I do feel guilty for being glad, but this time was much needed. Part of me does miss them...but I know as soon as they come back I'll remember why I was happy they left.
It helps to know that BM is the one who sent them away for a month. She needed a "vacation". That's why the trip was extended. Plus they were with us for two weeks prior to that! Heck, if BM gets to be happy about a vaca from her OWN children, then I suppose I shouldn't feel bad about being happy about it too!
I could go for the rest of my
I could go for the rest of my life and never see SD12 ever again.
My secret? I would try to make it happen if it wouldn't devastate my DH. He loves her unconditionally as should any parent. My record of not really seeing her was about 6 weeks. We went through a little PAS stage, which was blissful if not for my rage at this pissy little 12yr old with such power over her father. He was so sad.
When she finally came over- she ran up to me and said, "OMG, I havent seen you in like forever!"
I didn't even smile- just said "Guess so." I wanted to say, "Whose issue is that, skid? You said you didn't want to see him."
Who the hell told you you're
Who the hell told you you're supposed to love these kids and want them around? Well, they were WRONG! Skids make households miserable. I do not miss my ss, and my DH knows this. I really don't care if it hurts his feeling, either. Me and my kids were expected to make HUGE adjustments so SS could move in, and it majorly sucked!
I feel so much better after
I feel so much better after reading this. My 13 year old SD is with us every other week and I feel myself getting stressed 2 days before she come back...she brings so much dysfunction into our house and our 4 year old biological daughter is witnessing all of this and I hate it! Thanks so much for not making me feel so alone!