Im new and also need to
Hello all, my new is Lupe, I just discovered thisforum and thank god because I was feeling do isolated. I am a 28 year old woman in a relationship with another lady who has a 14 year old.
I'm here because to be honest if I knew what being a step parent was going to be like I think I would not have gotten married.
Since this subforum is about teenagers I guess I will just vent about the most recent stuff. Were to start? Well for one this is one of the laziest kids I have ever seen. When I was 12 I use to clean houses with my mom, my Stepdaughter can not even pick up her stinky socks or put her cereal bowl on the sink. I am her personal uber driver but she has never been grateful for that when I have to take her to her after school activities which she wanted to be signed up for btw, instead of being ready she goes to sleep and pretends to be deep asleep when is time to go so I have to nagg her and she of course gives me attitude. She is also probably bipolar because when she is happy she is obnoxious like a bully until she gets in a fight with her mom or she goes to the other extreme and becomes a total bitch who god forbid you try to joke with her because she will treat you with the bitterness that you would expect from a syrian refugee. Also never once in the 5 years that I have been with her has she ever said sorry, she doesn't even try to fake some shame. I got more to say but Im typing on my phone which is really hard.
Thank you for listening.
My mom used to have a giant
My mom used to have a giant box in our garage. When stuff wasn't put away, it got dumped in the box. It would get wrinkled, broken, smashed. It worked on me and my brother -- nothing worked on my sister.
I agree with Iamwoman...tell SD from now on, she's to be ready 15 minutes before you must leave for her activity (so you have time to get ready to take her). If she's not ready, let her sleep and tell her no more rides.
You don't mention if your wife has any problem with you setting some rules or not. If your wife stays out of it, you set some boundaries that are really good for SD. If your wife doesn't like your methods or thinks you shouldn't discipline, that's another issue. Then you disengage from SD's care and let your wife do all the chauffering and everything else for SD.
You either have authority to discipline and direct SD or you don't. If you have authority, you get responsiblity, but no way should you have responsibility for SD without be able to set some rules and expectations for her.
As for SD being lazy, I think most kids are being raised with no chores or jobs now. It's something weird about this current generation of parents -- it's like they all feel guilty their poor kids must breathe on their own!
If you really think SD might have mental illness, maybe she should be seen by someone. Things can go bad fast with those bipolar kids.
Good luck! And welcome!
So it could be worse
I just joined, and so happy I found this forum. I have three grown daughters, and most people would agree they are all good, functioning, caring humans. Their dad is a good person, and we did a good job raising them, though I was definitely the stricter parent. DH has SD13 and she is with us most weekends, AND THE WHOLE SUMMER! Sorry. I worked hard to raise my kids right, including making them do chores, have limited time on devices, and participate in family activities. Has all that changed? SD walks around like it is the end of the world, even though she has seriously nothing to complain about, especially when I read some of the very sad and tragic stories on this site.
So I guess my point is that I almost feel guilty venting now, given that I see so many people in much MUCH tougher situations. I think maybe I'll just be happy that I don't have to deal with what some of you do, and leave it to DH to raise SD as he wants. Not my problem, I did my job. Good luck to you all!
She sounds like a normal,
She sounds like a normal, spoiled, no rules ever, no chores kid, not bi-polar.
1) Discuss plan with your wife. If you are not on the same page and/or if your wife does not follow through with some basic house rules (i.e. clean up after yourself, do your dishes, clean bathroom on certain days, etc - you know this) then you need to disengage from it.
2) What I did after #1 failed, was throw away anything left in living room after 24 hours. They must not want it then. Dishes not done and YOU have to do them, if your wife does not care? Wash, dry, give to charity OR put in a box in the garage so no one can use them (after all, no consideration that others may need to use things). Run out of dishes? Oh well. Kitchen a mess so you cannot cook? Do not cook.
3) Do not drive her anywhere unless you get respect and thank yous. Your wife should absolutely support you on this. Consideration of others (again a theme!!). Do you WANT to drive her or is it an obligation? I do not drive SDs anywhere unless I either agree to it or I'm part of the planning. No last minute requests and no making ME run around if I had no input into the sitution. I have left DH and SDs before - not my problem.
4) Think about what you can and cannot live with. Create a short list and go from there. Can you live with the SD having a messy bedroom but not a messy bathroom? How is "messy" defined? Can you grocery shop for general things only and are ok with not adding 'special' things for SD, which your wife should be providing? Can you give your SD a ride to a friends house (if asked nicely and thanked for it) but are not willing to be her every day driver? And so on.