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Just as we thought things were getting better

RisingtheWave80's picture

SD14 had a great 2nd quarter at school, the therapy school along with proper medication and treatment. But the last two months have been something else. In this time she has:

  • Had 2 Emergency Removals from School- in a therapy school this is pretty hardcore because they can typically handle most situations in house. But they were concerned for her and others safety.
  • Punched a teacher
  • Threatened Suicide and was sectioned but was quickly cleared by EMH stating it was her "attention seeking" (She has had a series of SI assessments in the last couple years, they state she used it as leverage to get what she wants and negotiate lesser punishments at her school) 
  • Slammed a door (purposely) on her teachers face
  • Physically threatened other teachers, cracking her knuckles and saying "I just had my nails done and if you screw them up for me you will have alot of explaining to do to my mother" (she isn't suppose to have acrylic nails in her school as they are seen as a weapon by BM lets her get news ones each week)
  • Told teachers and peers to "fuck off and she will swing at them if they don't leave her be" 
  • She would violate phone rules and call her mother to pick her up saying "I am getting the fuck out of here, I am calling my mother and I am leaving, if you try to stop me I will be swinging" 
  • When BM arrived she screamed at the administration "Do not even think about talking to my fucking mother" and then screamed at BM saying "Don't you even dare open that window" while flipping off the school administration. 

The Adjustment Counselor at the school is saying it is medication and hormone based changes in her actions the last two months. I was feeling so proud of her changes but this demonstrates a kid who is Borderline and the medication doesn't appear to be working, or she is not taking it. 

DH hasn't been able to say much to her about this as they are still in the re-unification process post alienation and if he says anything she will be gone again. We are only seeing her a few hours per week since November when she started coming back around. I am certain that equally wacko BM will try to spin this to the fact that she is now seeing her dad again because she is certainly not loving the fact she has lost control of SD. 

tog redux's picture

She does sound like she has some Borderline traits, and medication won't help with any of that.

DH should just step back and let BM deal with the mess she has created. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

She was diagnosed in the late summer with Borderline PD. She has been put on a mode stabilizer I believe and she takes this nightly but mentioned to me the other day she "sometimes forgets or it gets too late to take it" so I am not 100% sure about her compliance to her meds. 

We have yet to say or do anything about her actions when she is not with us, she has been acting fine with us, we realize that its most likely a show and she is equally walking on eggshells. But I think she looks forward to the little time she does spend with us even if its only Sunday night dinner. 

The incident reports from the school are so graphic and all I keep thinking is "Why is she diagnosed angry?" the stories we hear from BM and SD do not match what the school is reporting and they "have it under control" but obviously that is not the case. 

All I want is her to have a good life but I am not going to be able to make that happen. 

tog redux's picture

No. And I know it's hard for DH to not be a parent as he wants to be, but he can't.  She's too young to say she for sure has BPD, but certainly she has some traits.  My guess is that BM does as well and this is both learned and genetic. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

When we brought up the early determination of BPD, they stated because this has been on-going for a length of time and persistent, not ebbing and flowing that they believed this to be the case, she certainly does exhibit signs of BPD. I always thought BM was NPD but the more compative I see her being I think it fluctuates to Borderline. Of course she will never be diagnosed because she would fire any therapist that just didn't tell her she was right in all she says and does. 

The next steps if she gets herself kicked out of the Therapy School will be a residential program which I personally think would serve her because it would take her out of the very toxic home she lives in with her mother. Just seeing how those two interact, there is not peace for her there, ever! 

tog redux's picture

You CAN diagnose it, but honestly, I think it's a mistake given how BM behaves. There is a chance she will do much better once she's out of this enmeshed relationship with her mother.  

Residential is only temporary though, and honestly, there's not a lot of evidence that it works. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I have to have some level of HOPE... I have a lot of empathy for her, as she is in a situation that is toxic but I see the future of dealing with a child who will become a toxic adult also. Makes me sad

tog redux's picture

Yes, I would prepare for that future.  Even though I said she has a chance, it's a small one.

My SS20 is every bit the same toxic person he was at 15.  I don't see him ever being someone that either DH or I can have a good relationship with. My DH's vision of his son's future is homelessness, and mine is that he's just not even in our lives, or on the very edge of it.  BM has ruined him. 

Steptotheright's picture

What are the traits of a Borderline? I've read online but what you're describing doesn't seem to match up with the symptoms that I was familiar with online. Care to share?

tog redux's picture

The threats of suicide, the angry outbursts, the emotional dysregulation.  I believe she has done self-harming behaviors as well.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Talking with my own therapist this morning he was on the fence because she is unable to regulate her emtions he was more on the Borderline vs Anti-social but certainly something under the Cluster B.  My own therapist states that both DH and I should take her as a potentially dangerous person due to ability and being okay with lies and deception in order to get her own way. She manipulates anyone she can, a lot like her mother. She has tried to injure herself when her father tried to take her phone away, she threw herself in front of him on the stairs and almost fell down them all, then text her mother saying her dad "pushed her down the stairs" I was right there and watched the whole thing. So the next time we had to take her phone away I had to record on my cell phone the interaction so she couldn't just make false accusations. 

She has been admitted when she was cutting last year.