Kinda scared and confused
I'm new to this place, but am hoping I can get some pointers on how to deal with some issues at home. My wife and I have been together for almost two years, and married for about 9 months. I have two sons, as does she. My boys are 10 and 13. Hers are 17 and 24. I have my boys on the weekends. The 24 year old is out and on his own. The 17 year old has lived with us full time for about a year and a half.
The issues causing us trouble are centered with the 17 year old. His father has never really been in his life. In the past, his dad was essentially an abusive alcoholic. When my wife and I starting dating, her son and I got along great. She and her son moved into my house about a year and a half ago. Fairly soon after, I started to notice a strange dynamic between them. The son is very verbally abusive to his mother. The impression I have is that he thinks she deserves this treatment because of the way he was raised (he's never really had a strong father figure in his life). My wife seems to think she deserves this treatment from him because of the way he was raised. She feels horribly guilty about his childhood. She was a single mom for most of it, had to work multiple jobs to put food on the table, and was almost homeless a time or two. Things were rough all over for her, for a number of years. She feels horribly guilty about it.
When we first all starting living together, I tried to be supportive to my wife, giving her pep talks, trying to get her to understand that she didn't deserve this treatment from her son. She doesn't have to be his punching bag, and the way he treats her is definitely not normal. Things came to a head about a year ago. The son had my wife cornered in our bedroom and was screaming in her face, telling her what a horrible person she is, and how much he hates her. I couldn't take anymore. I went into the bedroom, got between them, and told him "enough!". He told me that he was having a private conversation with his mom, and that I needed to butt out. I replied that he wasn't having a conversation, but had her cornered and was screaming at her (my wife is small, her son is about 6 ft 5 in and 300 lbs). He told me again that I need to butt out. I told him he was in my bedroom, and to get out of it. He replied "F*ck You!". I replied "f*uck you back, get out of my room". He left the bedroom, and went into an extreme rage, screaming at me how much he hates me, and that I'm nothing more than his mom's latest asshole boyfriend. Good times. I've stayed an arm's length from him since.
Since that incident, he has seen counselors, been suspended from school multiple times, and put on medication. His rages are intense and scary. Earlier this summer, he had agreed to mow the front lawn to earn some money to go to a concert. He put it off til the last minute, had trouble with the lawn mower, and exploded. My wife tried to get him to take his meds, and he wouldn't. He called 911, telling them that his "bitch of a mother" was trying to force pills down his throat. They asked to talk to my wife. While she talked to 911, her son went into a rage, starting kicking and punching holes in the walls, and screaming. The police came to the house. I came home for lunch to 5 police cars, an ambulance, the son handcuffed outside, and my wife inside crying. The son was taken away to a mental health facility for about a week, told them he wouldn't stay there, and ended up back at our house.
About a month ago, my wife and her son made an agreement that he would go and live with his dad. His dad not being in his life has caused a huge hole in this kid, and she was hoping he had cleaned up his act. The night before he was supposed to get on the plane to go, he went into another rage. My wife was in his room, getting screamed at that he hates her, she's a horrible mom, and he's not going to do anything she says because she can't make him. I gathered up my two sons, and we left the house. I won't keep them in that environment any more. A team of people eventually talked the son into going to stay with his dad for a while. My wife was really hopeful that it would all work out. About 2 weeks later, the son calls in the middle of the night. He and his dad were having extreme issues (they're very much alike, imo. I think the son is on his way to having trouble with the law and domestic violence if he stays on the path he is on). The son wanted to come back to live with us. I told my wife that I am at my limit with him, and really don't want him back in our house. I don't feel like the house is safe when he's there, and everyone tiptoes around waiting for him to spin into another rage. Her position is that he's her son, and that she can't just abandon him. I understand this. I asked if we could look into a mental health facility to check him into. She seems unwilling to go that route, I think because of guilt. I think she wants to fix his problems herself, but they are spiraling out of control.
I am at my limit with him. I want to be supportive of my wife, but I seem to be totally unequipped to handle her raging son. I just don't know what to do there. I told her my sons will not be removed from the house again because her son is losing his mind. If it happens again, he is leaving and not coming back. The problem is that the boy is only 17. My wife has sole custody of him, so she is still responsible for him. We're between a rock and a hard place. She can't just kick him out. Life is a war zone with him here. It's putting a strain on our marriage. She told me she wants me to have a relationship with her son. I told her I can't be friendly to someone that is abusive to my wife. I just can't make that leap.
As of now, the boy is still out of state. I'm hopeful things will work out there, and that he works something out until he is 18. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between the safety of my sons and the love of my wife.
Your observation is
Your observation is definitely true. I think he's moved 5 times this year. Every time, things blow up and he goes somewhere else. He's moved out of our house twice this year. One of the stays was with his older brother. The older brother couldn't take it, called my wife, and told her that he had to go. I just don't know what to do. The kid needs help, but continuing to enable him to be abusive isn't going to help him. Continuing to bail him out when he causes problems for himself isn't going to help him. He's flunking out of school, when he goes. I think he's been suspended 4 or 5 times since he's been here. He won't get a part-time job. I think the structure and responsibility would do him a world of good. He bails out whenever things get uncomfortable for him, or he isn't getting what he wants. The surest way to send him into a rage is to tell him no when he asks for something. He's not my kid, so I can't be the primary parental figure for him. Because of his age, there probably isn't much I could change anyways. I'm just not sure I can take it if he comes back again. I'm at the end of my rope with him. Not sure what to do.
Your wife needs counseling as
Your wife needs counseling as much as he needs a mental health facility. She feels so guilty that she believes she deserves that treatment from him.
I've asked her how far would
I've asked her how far would be "too far" with him. He's threatened to hit her if she tried to lay a hand on him...something like "What are you gonna do, hit me? Try it and see what happens." He's put her in tears almost daily with verbal abuse, telling her how horrible she is and that he hates her. He's started destroying property, putting his fists and feet through walls of the house that I pay for. He's been taken out of the house in hand cuffs for his violent behavior. I've had to get the other kids out of the house because he was screaming profanities.
I asked my wife if getting knocked out cold by him would be too far. She didn't have an answer for that. I feel like I'm completely out of my league on this.
Me and my boys' mom have
Me and my boys' mom have 50/50 custody sharing.
I too was in an abusive
I too was in an abusive relationship for 14 years. When you leave you are damaged goods. Your children are damaged goods. The question that I have is...is his behavior learned or does he have a medical issue? I believe that my abusive ex believed that he was always right and the rest of the world was wrong. He had no respect at all for women. I spent most of my time out of the house with the kids at church, school and sporting activities to keep them out of the house and away from him. I should have left after the first time. Well, I did but went back because I wanted my children to have a father. I wanted a family. I thought things could get better. I begged him to get help but he didn't think that he had a problem. I was wife #2. Wife #3 is now leaving after 5 years with him. I got professional help for myself and for the children. They were taught coping skills. It is sad that this young man has so much anger. I believe that with therapy and medication you would see a change. It won't happen all at once and you can't do one without the other. Your wife should go to. I looked at it as talking to a professional and someone that could offer objective opinions.
Now if I was your ex wife I would be fearful of having my children around him. First of all a mother always wants to keep her child safe and secondly because you don't want them to start picking up his bad behaviors.
He's a minor. Why can't you
He's a minor. Why can't you bring him back and commit him to a special treatment center or boarding school against his will?
Job Corps takes 17 year olds.
Job Corps takes 17 year olds.
You don't have to live with
You don't have to live with violent people. Your wife can move out and get an apartment while she's on her save-a-kid crusade. Or even better... she can get her son an apartment and require him to get a job and go to Job Corps or a tech program. Once a "child" has been in handcuffs, they're a young adult IMO. If your wife wants to save this young man, she needs to decide how she's going to do it. Her parenting has made him disrespectful... and that is not to say that she was mean to him or anything... I'm just saying that she hasn't earned his respect in 17 years. All teens act up. They all rebel. However, most of them --- because of church, home-training, respect, fear of God, fear of MOM, fear of men close to mom --- will NOT act out like you're describing. Your wife did something wrong.
Maybe the argument between him and dad will blow over. They are bound to have some arguments as they work out the fact that dad wasn't around. Just hang tight... but know that you are not choosing anything. State your boundary. (You're not living with her son.) And wait for your wife's solution. You can love her and be with her, but you do not have to live in a place where you or your spouse feel physically threatened.
Thank you all for the great
Thank you all for the great advice. I had a talk with my wife last night. I told her that I want a chance to talk to my attorney before any decision is made about her son moving back with us. I told her that my ex could file for emergency custody and probably get it if she found out how things have been with my stepson. I said that there is a solution to this, and we need to find it. My losing custody of my sons can't be part of it. That's a place I am unwilling to go.
She was understanding. I guess her son has no intention of moving back with us now. It's a weird situation for me sometimes. Things get planned between them over their phones, and I don't always get updated. The last I was told, the boy and my wife were looking at bus tickets to get him back home. Her son not having any plans to move back was news to me. She took her son's girlfriend to the airport this morning. I told my wife that I feel like she blames me for her son not wanting to come back, and that I was sorry things with him haven't turned out like we hoped they would. She said that I had nothing to be sorry for. She said that her son left because of her, not me. She blames herself for the way he is. I've tried many times to make the point that he is like his dad, and she did the best she could considering the circumstances she was in. I think the boy and his father both have something wrong in their brains.
Maybe I am too involved in this. Your comments about me possibly losing my kids really struck a chord with me, though. My ex is pretty vindictive. I was fortunate to have a good attorney in my divorce, and got 50/50 custody sharing. I'm not going to lose my sons for the sake of my wife's abusive boy.
I can't explain how hard it is for me to watch my wife go through this. We've known each other since we were kids. I was her best friend's first date. In high school, my wife played volleyball, and her team was state champ for a couple of years. She was on student council, and did all kinds of rodeo stuff. We went on our separate paths for 20 years, and ended up finding each other again somehow. It's really hard to watch her get treated like this by her son. I know the person that is inside her, and seeing her be a shell when he is treating her this way tears me apart. The 20 years after high school were really bad for her. Bad relationships with bad men, and now she's living through the fallout of that with her son.
My wife and I had a bit of a
My wife and I had a bit of a fight last week about her son moving back. I flat-out told her I was at my limit with him. If he comes back and starts screaming at people, I'm gonna be right in his face screaming back, every time. I'm done. I told her if he acts like he has in the past, then I will absolutely call the cops. I can't take any more of it. I'm hopeful the boy can work things out with his dad until he turns 18. Moving back with us isn't an option. I feel like the bad guy for setting such a hard boundary on this with him, but I know how my ex is. She wouldn't hesitate to use this to her advantage and take my boys away. I also feel like I'm about to break with it. Coming home to chaos all the time is taking a toll on me. I'm to the point where I just can't handle it any more.
Years ago I was in a similar
Years ago I was in a similar situation except it was my bio daughter, lots of issues and in this case it had been bio dad who had walked out (when she was 6). Also at 17 and where we were she was considered a legal adult. She quit school 3 months shy of graduation, went to live with her older BF which didn't work out, she then ran to her dad in another state and that too did not work out. She then called to come back home, husband did not want her in the house and I had trouble not wanting to help my child.
Husband and I agreed that she would have to agree to a contract and sign it before she would be allowed back. On this contract she had to agree to go to counseling, get a job to support her own car expenses, she had to finish school and there was times stipulated for being in by on the week days and weekends. She agreed and did all of the things she agreed to. It was in counseling that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and counselor felt it was genetic inclination and that the abandonment from her father caused the BPD to surface.
It's a thought, it worked for us.
I think our situations are
I think our situations are very similar. When the boy was taken away in handcuffs and put in the mental facility for a week, he was evaluated. They suspect he also has BPD, but needed him to stay longer to make sure. He was completely uncooperative when he was there, was hostile, and wouldn't take meds. I believe they had to physically restrain him a couple of times. They finally got him to take a shot the day he came back. My understanding is that the first time he is there, they can't make him stay longer than a week. The next time, though, they can make him stay for 90 days.
We tried the contract thing the first time he moved back in the house. My wife and I wrote up a set of conditions that had to be met for him to continue living here. This was in June. It had things like agreeing to take his medication, going to counseling, getting a part time job, and absolutely no more abusive behavior to anyone in the house. He agreed to those things. As soon as he got home, it went out the window. He's learned very well how to use people, and to say what he needs to to get what he wants. It was about a month later that he was taken out in handcuffs. That was very hard on my wife. I stood right by her side through that whole thing. He kept calling her, crying, telling her that they were going to take him somewhere and that she needed to come and get him before they could. We went to the hospital to sign the paperwork agreeing for him to be taken to the mental facility. I held her hand. She didn't dare for him to find out she was at the hospital (he was just down the hall from us). We came in silently and left silently. He pleaded with her the entire time, through his phone, until the battery finally went dead. My wife wanted to bring a charger to him. I convinced her that would be counterproductive as it would give him an escape from having to deal with the consequences of what he had done. She agreed, and we left it at home. He was taken away in an ambulance that night.
I'm to the point that I don't trust anything he says. He says what he needs to to get what he wants, and agreements are tossed after he gets what he wants. His latest thing is telling his mom that he won't do what she says, and she can't make him. There's just no way I can trust anything that comes out of his mouth. I'm in an awkward position. If I come down hard on him, my wife sometimes goes into mama bear mode and defends him, or will ask me to go back on something we had already agreed to.
It's horrible to say, but I think he has learned that being mean and abusive is the best way to get what he wants. I think, in the past, this has worked on his mom. He had her to himself for a while, and has been able to control her with his rage. Now that I'm in the picture, that isn't working any more. He knows I won't bend to that kind of behavior, and all it will accomplish is getting him into more and more trouble. After he punched and kicked holes in his walls, I went into his room and confiscated his Playstation and X-Box. My wife seemed upset at me that I did that. I told her that he figures out some way to get the walls repaired, or I'm selling the X-Box to pay for the repair. The boy kept trying to get his mom to give him back his X-Box, but I wouldn't bend. I told him the walls get repaired, or he isn't getting it back. The walls got repaired. I think he knows that behavior that has worked for him in the past isn't working for him any more. My impression is that he would rather live somewhere else than to be held accountable for his behavior. With me in the picture, he can no longer control my wife with rage and volume. I don't think he knows any other way to get what he wants.
"he would rather live
"he would rather live somewhere else than to be held accountable for his behavior." YUP. you hit the nail on the head.
in aside from your ss's obvious mental health issues, what person WOULDNT want this, if that's all they've ever known? he's gotten to the age of 17 w/o ever having to be held responsible for his actions and reactions.
you also said "I don't think he knows any other way to get what he wants." YUP. because he's never had to face a true, strong "no".
he needs serious mental health intervention first. i do hope there IS a next time, where he can then be kept for 90 days. then as soon as he hits 18 he can put a roof over his own head and you can file a restraining order to keep him away from your house and your kids. at least for now he's at his dad's, so HE can deal with him....
what a mess.
Getting taken away in
Getting taken away in handcuffs after busting up the walls was his mom and me enforcing things. He went away for a week, and was hauled off by the cops. He kept begging to be bailed out of that situation. He wasn't. That really opened his eyes.
We took his video game consoles after he broke the walls up. He didn't get them back until he made good and got the walls fixed. I was ready to sell them to pay for the wall repairs, and he knew that. He arranged to get the walls fixed, and carried through on it.
After his latest rage, my wife finally put her foot down with him. She told him to get his stuff packed and to get out. He went to live with his dad. His dad can deal with the impact he's had on this kid for a while.
Now that he's moved out again, I've firmly stated that I'm not buying his return bus or plane ticket. If he wants to come back, he needs to figure out how to get here himself (he won't be allowed to come back and live in the house). He isn't being bailed out of his problems any more. He's having to look at the consequences of his behavior straight on, probably for the first time in his life.
I'm not going to take him out to the front yard and beat him up. He's not my kid. All that would do is get me arrested and hauled off. I wouldn't do that to my own kids. They are respectful, and know where their boundaries are. The stepson has no idea what boundaries are. He needs a connection with his father, someone who will look him in the eye and tell him he better knock it off or else. I think that is at the core of his issues. His dad hasn't been in his life since he was a baby. He's spending some time with him now. He's over 17, and I've only been in his life for the last year and a half. I've only been his stepdad for 8 months. I don't think there is much I'd be able to change with him, considering his age. He's less than a year from being adult. He's not interested in anything I have to say.
Mathfed, BPD is TOUGH and if
Mathfed, BPD is TOUGH and if he is just now 17, I am afraid you have a very long road ahead of you. My BPD daughter is now 34 and I finally got to the point I could take no more. They do find a way to get what they want, they have to be #1, they have to have the attention and they will play one person against the other, lies are a common way of life. In their heads they are victims but what they can't see is what they are doing to others.
One of my SSs gave us some trouble, not quite as bad as the BPD daughter....we did a contract with him as well and he did like your SS, agreed but once it came down to it would not follow thru so he was given 3 months to find another place to live. He was mad, we were in the wrong in his book but he also wasn't playing by the rules and he was quite disrespectful towards me like your SS is towards his mom. He left and a year later joined the military, best thing that could have happened for him.....he was going down loser street before he joined.
Sounds like your wife needs some help. I understand wanting to protect her child but he is abusing her and she is allowing this and that should not be happening. I would suggest couple's counseling with this being a big part of what needs resolve, how the two of you agree to deal with this boy. Your wife needs to understand this type of behavior should not be tolerated by her son and that her thoughts of protecting him are not really protecting anyone.
This question may be too
This question may be too personal. What was the impact of the daughter with BPD on your marriage? I've never really been around it before, before my SS. Basically, it's like never being able to plan anything...chaos most of the time. Calls in the middle of the night, almost every night. Neverending, constant, crushing pressure to get his way. It's hard sometimes to find where I fit, or what my role is, when it is like that. His anger and behavior completely consume everything.
The impact on the marriage?
The impact on the marriage? Good question! My husband is not the type to get involved at all. He is more the type to let me deal with issues, his kids and mine. There were things that happened due to my daughter's BPD that would have been nice never to have dealt with and those issues did tear the family up. The marriage has survived but I think it was more because my husband did not want to give up on us.
Let me give you an idea of what we have been thru. First of all realize, like I said before that I noticed a difference in her behavior when he dad left, she was 6. At that point nothing I did was right, right down to helping her with math problems for homework. She would actually tell me I didn't know what I was doing so I would tell her she could ask her teacher for help. She was acting out in class, getting up in front of the class and singing an dancing when the teacher would leave the room.The teacher contacted me and let me know that she was not treating other girls well so I tried to work with this at home. She had this big interest in the boys which I contributed to her dad leaving, looking for that relationship that would replace the love she felt she lost when her dad left.
She ran away from home when she was 10. She claimed her dad's mother (her Gma) had told her I tried to kill her so I confronted the situation with my ex and his mother and both confirmed that this was said in her presence, ex had lied to his mom. (crazy stuff!)
Then as an older teen I was called to the school, informed by the principal that daughter was saying she has been beat by her boyfriend but principal felt it was mascara under her eye. I get there and sure enough, it was mascara, I asked her why and she had no explanation.
At 16 I find out she is seeing a boy that is 21 and I forbid the relationship. I watch and it is my understanding that they were done but oh no. This is where everything becomes full blown. I call her work, 10 day after her 17th bday. She had told me she had to work late and I was trying to reach her. I was told she left early. I assumed she was still seeing the 21 year old so I waited up. She came thru the door, I confronted her. She became upset because she was found out, I took one step forward and she lunged at me and raked her nails down my arms leaving my arms bleeding. I took her down to the floor to hold her, not knowing what to do at that point, debating whether to call the police. I decided to let her go and she moved out that night...into her 21 year old boyfriend's house.
Next thing I heard is that she is pg but I knew because of situations that I won't go into here that she could not be pg so I figured that she was conning her BF. I contacted him, let him know that it was not possible for her to be pg....he was actually getting ready to go into the military and this was something that was pending. Once he heard from me he went ahead and went in and daughter was angry but of course she was not pg, it was a lie to keep him. He broke up with her and of course I was blamed.
She then ran to her dad, things did not work out and she wanted to come back home. We set up a contract like I explained she did well. husband was military at the time and he got an assignment to Germany so we were faced at leaving. She had graduated from highschool at this point and we gave her a choice to come or stay behind, she chose to stay behind but she later told family we had abandoned her.
She was not one to work and she needed financial support so I felt the next relationship blossomed more for that. She ended up marrying an old boyfriend which I did not feel she loved. They had a child and she left him before the child turned 2. She claimed that she and the baby were being physically abused.
Before she could get the divorce thru she was pg and living with another old boyfriend. They set a wedding date but the divorce was not final, however they continued with the ceremony, making things legal at the justice of the peace later.
The thing with all of these situations is I know what is going on, I know the game she is playing but yet I m trying to be discrete. Anything I said was used against me, I was blamed for everything including her affair she had on second hubby. She does not take accountability of her actions so I became (basically) her scapegoat. She lies to make it look like I was the one to blame for her actions. It has been crazy ridiculous! Various family members have told me the things she said to them and basically it was blaming and she has started to make up stories to her kids, making herself the victim and me the evil horrible mom. The stories break my heart but until recently I kept trying. I finally said no more, she is 34 now. Lots of lies, lots of playing one person against the other. My husband gave up on her when she was 15 and now supports me on not pursuing a relationship with her. The hatred and lies have been too much.
Things have settled down a
Things have settled down a bit. I'm grateful, because I was about to break with all of it. The boy and his dad, after a rocky start, seem to be getting along better now. My wife told her son that he is staying there, and that she is done. She's done being abused by him. She's been at the end of her rope with him for a long time. It's complete chaos when he is with us.
Well, things kinda hit the
Well, things kinda hit the fan yesterday. The son called my wife, and said that things between his dad and him were getting severe again, saying it was a good thing his girlfriend was there or he and his dad were gonna have it out. This was the first time he had called in about a week. He usually only calls when he wants something. My wife and him started talking about how to get him back home. I wasn't included in the discussion at all. My wife hung up, and told me her son wants to come back. I asked her where he was going to live. She said that is something we need to talk about. I told her I won't live with him again, and won't put my boys in that environment again. I don't feel the house is safe with him here, and won't risk losing custody of my boys so that her son has a safe place to rage at (or possibly hurt somebody). She kept telling me that she thinks he is getting better, and that she doesn't think anything like that would actually happen. (This boy used to stockpile knives. I went into his room earlier this year and confiscated them.) I said that maybe he could be in an apartment if he comes back. The son called a bit later, over and over about 10 times, until my wife finally answered. My wife told him that she may be able to help him out with an apartment if he comes back. The boy went ballistic, and started screaming at her over the phone. I walked out of the room, saying he is demonstrating exactly why I won't put people in this house in that environment again. He hasn't changed at all, and things will only get escalated if he comes back to live here. My wife finished talking to him, put on her shoes, and left the house for most of the day.
We tried talking through things last night. My wife told me she feels like I put my foot down and was unwilling to compromise on her son moving back into the house. She said that it's my house, I don't want her son here, and she has no choice but to go along with it. That hurt me pretty bad. Even though I pay the mortgage, I've told her over and over that this is our house, not just mine. I told her my putting my foot down on her son had nothing to do with this being "my house", but was my insistence that everyone that lives in this house is safe. I told her that I think she has a huge blind-spot about the way her son is. She said that the thinks she does too. That's what unconditional love is all about. (This really baffles me. She said she is probably blind to how bad he is, but wants him to move back in anyways,at the risk of everyone's safety.) I asked her why a group home or job corp aren't acceptable solutions to her. She said that her son has to agree to go into those, and he won't. She said he is homeless because I won't allow him to come back into the house. I asked if that consequence was because of his refusal to consider job corp or a group home as workable options, or if it is our fault. She said that it's on him.
I told her that it seems to be him that is making all of his parenting decisions, and I feel like I'm being expected to deal with the fallout of that and clean things up when everything goes to hell. She said that she has a place lined up for her son to live in short-term when he gets back. So he's not really homeless. That's one thing that is really starting to bother me. I feel like I'm not being told everything, or am being told things are much worse than they are, until I ask a few questions to find out what's really going on. I told her this is making me feel like I can't trust what anyone is saying about the situation.
This isn't something I can bend on. I won't risk the safety of everyone that lives here. I told her yesterday that I hope she and I have a future together, that I love her, but won't risk the safety of my kids any more. I won't live with violent people, and will no longer put my boys in this situation. I should get a swift kick in the ass for doing that as long as I have.
Mathfed, I do understand
Mathfed, I do understand where your wife is coming from in the sense that as bio parents we so want to help our children and he hurt we have received in the past can be over looked due to our unconditional love for our children. I so understand. If you read my reply above you know what a messed up situation we dealt with.
The two of you need to make this decision together without hurtful pointed fingers back and forth. I think it is good that your wife has a temp home set up for her son and hopefully that can be a start that will grow into something else. If you decided to let him back in the home I would not do so unless a contract was made and agreed on by all and part of that contract would include counseling. You believe you said you already tried and contract and it did not work?? Remind your wife of this. Maybe it's time to encourage this young man to go into the military
It's not just a matter of everyone's safety that you all should be concerned about. With other children present you never know what may or may not influence the other children. They see this boy acting out and getting what he wants and they may follow in those same footsteps. If he is a manipulative liar he might try to sway one or more of the children that you or your wife, or both, are being unfair to him.
Have you looked up Borderline Personality Disorder? Have you spoke to your wife as this being a possibility?
I'm so lost with this.
I'm so lost with this. Yesterday, my wife was really sick. I stayed home from work to look after her. At about 3 in the afternoon, she got a phone call. Her son was back and wanted to know if he could come over and get some stuff. I'd been sitting there with her all day, and she didn't mention that he was back in town. I said he could come over and grab some stuff. He and his girlfriend came over. The boy, the girlfriend, and his mom all hung out in his room, watching a movie or something. To me, it felt like I'd been duped. He was back in the house, I didn't know he was even back, and it felt like a underhanded way to move him back in.
I quietly put on my shoes and left. I told my wife that if her son just got moved back in after everything we had talked about, then I am officially done.
Huge fight. Gonna set up a contract for him to work toward to get back into the house. This was my idea. We will all sign it. If the boy won't sign it, he won't come back. My wife also agreed to get some counseling. I told her that from where I sit, it seems like the boy feels he can freely abuse his mom because of the way he was raised. I said that it also seems like she feels like she deserves that abuse because of the way he was raised. I said they both seem to be broken in the same way, but express it differently. He explodes while she internalizes it. She pulled the blanket over her face and started crying. I told her she isn't worth less than anyone else. She chuckled, like "Yeah right." I said that her feelings of being worthless and deserving of abuse need to be addressed. It is tearing us apart.
At my wit's end.
Wow what a manipulative wife
Wow what a manipulative wife you have.
She s played you big time. Did the ss learn his manipulation from the bio dad or bio mum?
Say goodbye to your kids. Big mistake.
My wife and I put together a
My wife and I put together a contract. Before the boy set foot back in the house, he had to sign it. If he didn't, we weren't going to allow him back in. I'm proud of my wife on this. She is finally standing firm against him. She sent him a copy of the contract and told him if he wasn't going to sign it, then he wasn't setting foot back in the house. One of the items on the contract is no abuse, period, to anyone. If he abuses anyone, he'll be removed from the house with police assistance if necessary. Verbally abusing his mother through his phone will result in immediate removal of his phone and internet privileges for a week. Meds and counseling will be taken as prescribed. Any more of his "I'm not taking them, and you can't make me" will result in him being removed from the house. He'll maintain a C average or pursue his GED. Those are non-negotiable requirements for him living here. There are a few other rules. At the bottom, it says that failure to follow these rules will result in him being placed in a group home or Job Corp at mine and his mom's discretion. The three of us signed and dated the contract. He has a copy. We have a copy. I also scanned it and sent a copy to my work where the boy can't access it. He's been back for a few days. It's going well so far. This is his last stop before he leaves for good, and we made sure he understood that. If he goes back to his old ways, he's out on his ass.