Really struggling with a decision
I am mulling over a decision I need to make and am having a hard time getting my head completely on board with what I need to do. My oldest son turns 17 in a couple of weeks. He is a senior in high school, and will be graduating next month. He skipped 8th grade, so he'll barely be 17 when he graduates. He's already been accepted to college, and plans to start college in the fall. His college is about 4 1/2 hours from here. He'll be a very young 17 when he starts school. I started college when I was 17 and almost flunked out my first year. I'm very worried about him having no family close by when he starts college this fall. We'll be the closest at about 5 hours away.
The company I work for has several locations. I work at one of their remote sites. The company headquarters is about an hour from where my son will go to college. I've been given an opportunity to relocate to the main site at about the same time my son starts school. The town I am looking at to live in is only about half an hour from where my son will be going to school. I'd feel much better being closer to him as he transitions to college because he is so young. I have a PhD and know the college system really well. I think I could really help him by being closer, and to help guide him in that transition. Moving to be closer to him is a no-brainer.
The catch is that I also have a 14 year old son. He is starting high school here in the fall. He and I are very close. If I leave to be closer to my oldest son, that will leave my youngest son here with BM. She and I don't really get along. We currently split custody 50-50, but that would likely all change after the move. I suspect my youngest son would want to follow me to the new location, but his mom would likely fight that tooth and nail. He's one of her walking paychecks. My youngest son and my wife get along great. She says she has no problem if he decided to live with us full time while he finished high school.
So, I'm really torn. If I don't relocated to be closer to my oldest son, I really worry he is going to flame out during his first year of college. His BM didn't go to college, and her guidance to him is often wrong. I feel like it is my responsibility to help him put his best foot forward and to guide him in that transition. If I do that, I'll likely be leaving my youngest son with BM here. I'd likely still see him often as I expect he'll want to see his brother and me as much as he can. The thought of leaving him here with BM is really giving me pause. I worry he will feel betrayed and left behind.
This is a hard one....
No don't move. You will
No don't move. You will alienate your younger child and son will be fine. I also went to college at 17 and it was fine so you have a 50/50 chance. The last thing a college student needs is a parent being right THERE. One, he likely won't accept it as the point of college is to do your own thing. Two, I mean, what are you even going to do being closer to help him you couldn't do via phone calls and Facetime? Walk him to class? No. He needs to do this on his own. If he has to go for a 5th year then he won't be behind in age so it'll be fine...plus I recently read that most people take 5 years now anyway.
Oh and your younger child will seriously never forgive you. Leaving a child is a choice and a really really f'd up one, even if it is for your other child. So you abandon him permanently to help your child, who is capable of doing this, for 1 year?
Not sure where I said
Not sure where I said anywhere that I am planning to abandon my younger son permanently. If you read what I wrote, I actually expect the younger son would want to come with me.
Uh huh. I am sure you will
Uh huh. I am sure you will have the whole custody in order by the time kid goes to college. Courts are super efficent that way, let alone if mom fought you on it.
Instead of trying to choose
Instead of trying to choose between your children- which is what you are projecting this choice to be, instead look at your own career. What are the benefits to YOU if you move to the HQ?
If this is a solid move for your future, do it. YS is 14. He will have a voice in the courtroom and with 50/50 currently in place, if he wants to live with you, close to his brother, you have a good shot. If not, it isn't the end of the world.
I co-parent with my kids dad who is 3,000 miles away. It isn't ideal but you can make it work. You will get most of the summer, spring break, extended holiday breaks, 3-day weekends, etc.
If you make this about choosing between the kids, they will feel that way too. Instead focus on what your life will be after they have both finished high school and college.
This will be an absolutely
This will be an absolutely great move for my career. If I pass the opportunity up, I may not get another one like it for a long time. It is an opportunity to become involved in a much bigger way than I am now. The fact that my oldest will be at college half an hour away is an added benefit. There are a lot of other advantages, though. Upward mobility in the corporation is one of them. A much broader exposure across the corporation is another. The town I live in now is really rural. The nearest airport is a few hours away. I travel a lot internationally for work, and having a closer airport would be awesome. If my youngest son could come with me, it would be a no-brainer.
Why can't the 14yo go with?
He hasn't started HS yet. He could start new at a new HS just like all the other new kids.
I completely agree. I'd have
I completely agree. I'd have to get his BM to agree to that, though, and she never will. The boys are like property to her. After the oldest graduates from high school, she still expects the custody order to be followed to the letter until he leaves for college. I've told the older one that after he graduates, he's old enough to make his own choice on where he lives as far as I'm concerned. Their mom is really controlling and uses them to punish me every chance she gets.
Given the upward career move
Given the upward career move it is for you, I would say go for it. I know that is easy for me to say but it sounds like you will be doing the right thing for you, move closer to OS and YS has a good chance of coming with you. BM doesn't have to agree, the judge can decide. File sooner than later, family court takes FOREVER!
Stay put because your younger
Stay put because your younger son will be hurt and your older son may transfer to another college.
He must be smart to be graduating a year early! Whether or not he succeeds is all up to him, and it's time to cut the apron strings and give him the chance to do it on his own.
He won't appreciate his degree as much if you're there, hovering over him and checking his papers.
I won't be hovering over him
I won't be hovering over him and checking his papers. I don't do that now.
Then what exactly will you be
Then what exactly will you be doing there to "help" him? I don't see anything you could or would do to help a kid in college with the exception of some emotional support. I don't even get what your intent is as far as following him there. If you just want the job then whatever but the logic of you doing something to help your older son, but not check his work, etc etc then I don't really know what you intend to do.
My son’s experience
it’s a tough situation .. my son told us 3 weeks before he was set to go off to college at 17 that he just didn’t feel ready. We called the college and they agreed to hold his scholarships for a year. He worked full time in retail and the next fall was totally fine.
Before you uproot and follow your son, my suggestion is to first consider a gap year or community college. Talk to the school where he was accepted. And read lots of articles about helicopter parents — you’ll do him an enormous disservice if you follow him to college.
I'm not a helicopter parent.
I'm not a helicopter parent. It's a great career move that is falling into place at roughly the same time my oldest is starting college. The opportunity kinda fell in my lap, and the move would be at roughly the same time the oldest starts college. There aren't any community colleges worth a dang here. We really are out in the middle of nowhere.
My daughter was not ready for
My daughter was not ready for college right out of high school. But she went anyway, because that’s what we do in my family. I lived 10 minutes from the Univ and worked there. I knew the ins and outs. She still flunked our.
Don't move for your son.
My daughter eventually got her academic life together. BS with honors and in a MS program. Wish I would have been flexible enough to encourage a gap year.
Not everyone fails
My brother skipped a grade and graduated early from HS. He didn't flunk out. He did change his major and lose all his scholarships as they were related to the first major. But he didn't flunk out and he went far away to school.
What your actions say to your sons if you do this:
Older Son, I don't have faith that you can do things on your own, you cannot become your own man and handle your own life.
Youger Son, I don't care about you, your experiences, and your life as much as I care about Older Son. Sure, you can look at it as if I have more faith in you, but in the end I chose to follow the oldest even though he was supposed to be moving on with his own life rather than finish being with you during your childhood and launch into adulthood.
Don't make this about your
Don't make this about your older son, make it about career advancement. It sounds as if this could be a move up the ladder, but I need more information.
What is your younger son like? Is he a mommy's boy, controlled by your ex? Would he want to live with you full time? What would he say to moving to a new city? Would he stand up to BM in court? How could you manage primary custody of your job involves a lot of travel?
I can't give a lot of
I can't give a lot of additional detail about the career impacts this would have. It would be a positive in just about every way, though.
My youngest son is really independent. He is much more of a daddy's boy than a mama's boy. The oldest one, I hate to admit, is much more of a mama's boy. My ex is fairly controlling of him. He won't stand up to her. He got a part-time job about a year ago. The idea was that he would work a bit and start saving money for college. He drives a car that belongs to my ex. He's spent almost all of his earning on repairs to her car. She's promised to pay him back, but I'll believe it when I see it. The last repair cost about $900.
I fought my ex hard when the decision was being made for the oldest to skip 8th grade. I contacted the school principal at the time, making sure she knew that I wasn't on board with him skipping a grade. My ex was an IT person at the school. She saw the e-mails between me and the proncipal, and then launched into a character asssassination of the principal. It's probably hard to believe, but she was able to shame the principal enough in the local paper that the prinicpal ended up resigning. My ex was also placed on administrative leave, but she was eventually allowed to return to work. My ex is really nuts.
I've floated the idea of a move to the youngest to see what his reaction is. The last time I mentioned it, he said he would want to stay where his friends are. He's later said he would move if we ended up moving. He's told me in that past that if I ever have to move away for work, to be sure to take him with me. A lot of the travel I make now is to corporate HQ. That travel would be eliminated after the move. I go on 2 or 3 international trips per year. My wife goes with me on those. During those trips, the youngest could stay with his BM.
I too am curious why your son
I too am curious why your son didn't choose a college closer, if you felt he wasn't ready? It's not really fair that the son who isn't ready for college, in your opinion, is now the catalyst that uproots your whole family to go to a college 5 hours away, possibly taking you away from your younger son. No offense, but you say you're not a helicopter parent- I would say that moving 5hrs away because you're afraid your son may fail when there is a very good chance he could actually succeed and flourish is the definition of a helicopter parent. You did comment later about it being a great career move, which I can understand, but your initial post makes it sound like your main reason is to be by your son.
I would say don't move- you are just assuming your son may not be ready based on your experience. But really, your son isn't you. Everyone is different. There is only a 1 year difference between him and the age most people go to college. Give him the chance to be like normal kids who graduate high school and go to college. Kids do this every day without their parents nearby. I think you need to decide which would be the biggest tragedy: Your son failing at school (although I don't think having you there is going to save him if that is going to happen), or your younger son possibly being alienated from you by staying behind to live with BM if/when she doesn't let him go with you.
There isn't a closer college
There isn't a closer college for what my oldest son wants to go into. There aren't any community colleges near here. This isn't an urban area...far from it.
My son going to college isn't the only reason I'm considering the move. It is one advantage of the move, but certainly not the only one. I respectfully disagree with your assessment that I'm a helicopter parent.
I went to college at 17 and I
I went to college at 17 and I was nervous as hell. I really didn't want to go.
Ended up working out fine. But that was in the days when parents said, "Not ready? Oh well, you'll get over it," and dropped a kid off.
With respect to the older son
With respect to the older son - if you *really* didn't think he was ready to go to college 4+ hours away from you and his BM, wouldn't you have encouraged a gap year or something of the sort? I have to think he's ready. He's been with kids older than himself for years now. I suspect he'll do just fine. i know several kids who left for college at 17 or 16 and they were more mature than lot of the 18 and 19 year olds.
Now, with respect to your career, I can understand taking advantage of the opportunity with the added bonus of being close to son #1 if you can get comfortable with the arrangements for son #2. Do you figure his BM will be reluctant to let him go because she'd lose control or because she'd lose $$$$$? If the latter, could you reach a $$ arrangement with her that you could afford where she'd agree to let him go with you? How much time do you have with the younger son now? Real time where you're actually WITH him, not time when he's holed up in his room or at school or school activities? How much different would it be if you were 4+ hours away? How invested is son #2 in his activities, friend, etc. in your current area? Meaning, if you were able to get him to your new home a weekend a month, or for all school breaks/summer, would he be willing to leave his friends/activities to do so, or would that be a big negative for him?
You're right. My older son
You're right. My older son is an excellent student. I expect he'll have some transition stumbles, but will get it figured out. He's much more disciplined than I was at his age. He'll also live in a dorm, which is a plus. He's really driven, but lacks in common sense sometimes. The same could be said about me, I guess.
My feeling is that my ex will insist that the youngest stay with her to maintain control. She'll also want to keep the money coming her way. She's horrible at money management, and filed for bankruptcy about 6 months ago. She gets about $24K/year from me in combined alimony and child support, on top of what she earns, and still can't make ends meet. She has a new car, though. Most of her support from me dries up in about a year.
Your questions about how much time I actually have with the youngest are good ones. I have him Thursday - Sunday. Holidays and whatnot have separate arrangements, depending on if it is an even or odd year. The youngest spends a lot of time with his good friend during the weekend. He also spends a lot of time in his room listening to music. I think he would be open to a weekend a month, especially if his older brother lives nearby. I think he would be fine staying with me for summer break. I don't think he would have a hard time with that.
You don't have an easy
You don't have an easy decision. However, I am a believer that older kids have had their turn at younger ages and if there is a younger sibling it is their turn. I also understand your concerns about your 17yo duplicating your struggles as a 17yo college freshman.
I struggled as a 19yo college freshman and ultimately was on the 11 year undergrad plan. I was in class every semester for that 11 years across 7 different majors and 7 different colleges or Universities. My MBA also took me 4 years. My dad was on the extended undergrad plan as well. So I understand your concerns regarding your college freshman.
IMHO you have to lean in the direction of supporting your youngest.
What are your thoughts on how your X would handle you relocating and taking the youngest with you? You indicated that she already said she would support him living with you for HS.
Once you make that move you can determine at what point to go after ending your CS obligation and maybe going after CS. My guess is that the move will require an ammendment to the CO and you will have to wait 2yrs for another ammendment.
But, if this unfolds effectively, you could be out of the CS business in a couple of years.
Has the situation improved
Has the situation improved with your wife's son? Is it a factor in your decision?
I stay out of everything
I stay out of everything having to do with my wife's son. Life is much more peaceful that way. They have their relationship, I'm supportive of it, but don't get pushed into the middle of it anymore. I'm completely disengaged from him.
My wife's father is getting up there in years and is having some health problems. She is longing for a closer airport so that she can visit him more easily if an emergency arises. Where we live, almost everything is harder because it is so remote. Being close to a "major" airport would be a significant advantage to my wife.
That is a tough decision but
That is a tough decision but your 14 year old probably needs you more right now than your 17 year old who will be busy with college. Who’s to say he will even want to stay in that area after college?
My only advise - watch
My only advise - watch working towards promotions until CS ends.
Many times that raise will never hit your check, especially with a bitter HCBM. And she will be even more bitter if you move as she will have loss some control.
Prepare yourself to be in CS hearing after hearing as she digs. Which means you will be traveling back to the area over and over again needlessly.
Just something to consider...
But my vote would be to move anyway! Putting that distance between you and the horrid EW has to be worth it.
I would make the move. We are
I would make the move. We are in a very rural area so my husband could be close to his kids. Now they are stb19 and 17 and we can finally look at moving the heck outta here! Career and educational opportunities are important enough reasons to move.
I understand wanting to be closer to your oldest son. He can come crash at your place if he needs a quiet place to study and do his laundry. Dorm life can be chaotic and distracting.
You can maintain a close relationship with your youngest if he moves with you or not. If he doesn't move, you may have to prioritize making time for him as much as you can. This move is a great opportunity for the whole family. Focus on the positives when discussing it with your sons and they will adjust.
I think it’s quite silly to
I think it’s quite silly to uproot and move to kids college location. No one would ever stay put then. If your kid isn’t mature enough, let him attend local college first few years at least. It doesn’t serve any purpose following kids to their colleges, plus it’s quite embarrassing for the kids
I think being close to his
I think being close to his eldest is just a bonus. The move sounds like a major opportunity for his career.