Lazy kids or maybe I expect too much
I am currently engaged to a woman that has 2 kids; 1 male 17yoa and one female 14yoa. We live apart, 12 hours drive or 1.5 hours plane ride. I have zero kids. We get together for weekends at least once a month.
Its great when she visits me, as we have no distractions.
When I visit her, everything is different. I don't dislike her kids, but their laziness drives me insane. For example, today I did a significant amount of yard work at her residence. Both kids came home from school and neither offered to help. I was fine with no help, but one immediately left and the other sat on the couch and watched TV. When I am at her house, its normal to find trash on the kitchen counter, empty bottles in the living room, and the place damaged. For example, in her absence the door frame of her bedroom was damaged as if someone kicked the door in; in addition, the towel hooks are in the bathroom the kids use have been ripped out of the walls, leaving holes in the drywall. The kids leave dishes in the sink, seems like only their mother (or me) are capable of putting things in the dishwasher. I can tell when I visit her place, she gets weird as she recognizes the friction between her kids and I. She realizes her kids are lazy, but she tends to be defensive of her daughter and she has almost given up on her son.
Her son is very disrespectful towards her, which annoys me. I shouldn't be put in a position of tolerating anyone speaking to my fiancee in that manner; but I stay out of it.
I adore my fiancee and go out of my way to make her happy. When I spend time at her house, I am typically fixing stuff or trying to find things to do around her house.
Things are decent right now, but her kids will never go away. If we do get married, I will be dealing with them for the rest of my life. I would like to have a better relationship with them, but I have difficulty with their general level of laziness and disregard for my fiancee's efforts in providing for them with zero appreciation. If I am in the house with her kids, they typically do their own thing and I do my thing. I try to stay out of their way and her way when her kids are there.
OK, I am done venting. I know the easy thing would be to find a new girlfriend, but I kinda like the one I have. I'd just like to throat punch her son once.
Not sure what I expect in posting here, maybe just an opportunity to vent.
Thanks for reading/listening....
I won't say find another GF -
I won't say find another GF - but NEVER live with either of these children under ANY circumstances. If weekend visits are this stressful then you will most likely want to go postal if you have them 24/7.
Can you arrange that most of the visits happen on your turf? That would be ideal. If you start talking marriage make sure that she is really 100% on board with not supporting these slugs forever.
Yes her kids will never go away 100%, but will she have expectations that you will love and embrace them forever? I have a worthless SS who was in his early 20s when I met DH. I tried to have a relationship with him for 2-3 years. But I really dislike him. He's a horrible person, and I do not allow assholes in my life. My DH sees him but never tries to inflict the asshole on me.
i would not marry her until
i would not marry her until the kids are over 18 and/or on their own.
does their father take them? if so, can you go to her place on the weekends he has them?
it will be worse once you live with them. dont do it. have a nice long engagement.
I'm so sorry that your gf is
I'm so sorry that your gf is not instilling responsibility and discipline in her children.
I can totally relate to you, as I'm struggling with exactly the same problem and it's really putting a damper on my relationship. I live with my fiancé. I'm a stickler for chores and helping out. I grew up on a big farm and everybody pulled his or her weight, period, or you didn't eat, know what I mean? I can't STAND people who don't pitch in, who don't see that work needs doing or when told, don't do it right and quickly. I know teens are major PITAs, I had a ton of brothers and sisters and I remember the fighting, arguments, my parents telling us to do what needed doing. Yes there was resistance... but we were TOLD we had to work to help the family and EXPECTED to deliver. Today all of us are responsible adults who admire the way our parents brought us up and we're all repeating it! (My bio child does not get away with this crap, btw!)
So, my bf is a Disney Dad and it makes me insane. Luckily-- and how it hurts to say that, because I KNOW he loves his kids-- his teen children are very rarely at our home. If they were, I think I would never have moved in. And I would definitely move out if they ever did move in, and it's all down to my fiancé's lack of parenting, lack of disciplining his children, lack of understanding that they MUST GROW UP.
It is the worst handicap anyone can give a child to let him think that someone will always be there to pick up after him, to pay for his inflated lifestyle, to do all the scutwork. At first I was sickened by the utter lack of respect on the part of the kids because that's how I saw their laziness. But in the end, it's their parents' faults. They should lay down the law.
It would most definitely be a dealbreaker for me to live with them full-time, half-time or even one weekend a month. I'm not really sure I'm going to be able to stick it out until they "grow up" because one of them really doesn't seem to want to do grow up any time soon...
I've tried to talk to my fiancé. I get the defensiveness, coldness, the "you don't understand!!!!". All his guilt... over what don't know, seeing as he pays a buttload of child support and is the family ATM. I've disengaged as is often prescribed here, but when someone's lifestyle is so vastly different, I'm not sure the gap can be bridged.
If their Mom makes life at home too comfortable and it's more Club Med than self-service... well, chances are the kids are not going anywhere very soon.
Good luck, man. You've got a difficult choice ahead of you. Be smart about it. Don't get married until you know exactly what is going on. Think of your own life...