Do stepparents ever get credit
Hi, I just joined this sight about two minutes ago. i have been with my fiancee for three years and we are getting married in less than a month and I am ready to go nuts. This is where I am at right now, I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough because his son has a mother and she physically had him. Even though I do more for the child than his biological mother, and make our house a home, that is their son. For instance, on the childs biologicals mothers birthday my fiancee ordered flowers to be sent to her from his son. I was fine with this because it was nice for the child to get something for the mom.(mind you, the mother, myself, and my fiancee can't even be in the same room because she makes a scene) But do you think my fiancee ever takes the son shopping for my b-day for a gift from him to give me, nope. I am feeling so frustrated. This is just an example, but it happens on all levels. This women ruins our life, but it is okay because she physically had the son. I have done everything for christmas to make it special for my stepson. We have two trees, everything. We went to drop J off yesterday and of course she hasn't put a tree up. So my fiancee turns to me and says I feel like we should offer to put the tree up so J has a tree there. I wanted to scream, I bust my ass to make christmas the way it is, and just because she is lazy we have to put up her tree, how many stepchildren do I have? He claims its all for J, but in my eyes J has two trees! Here is another example, J had a dog at his mom's house and last years she decided to get another without even telling us. I wouldn't care but I knew she would never be able to take care of the two dogs. But she said she wanted the dogs and it was not our business. Well now she tells J to ask us if we will take one of the dogs bc she doesn't want 2 anymore. Now my fiancee would take the dog, but there is no way I am going for it. When and is there ever a time where the families divide and we don't have to clean her messes. All I hear is well I am ony thinking of J. I believe this but why don't these men see that by not separating the families it hurts the kids more...please help.
By your
putting HIS child first, you are setting an example for your bf to do the same and think it is always ok. What about you? Your wants, desires... If he doesn't put you first, he's not ready for a relationship. Let him live HIS guilt.
Just some thoughts. Take care of yourself sweetie. He should be thinking of how he is going to make YOU happy, not just his son. This situation has huge red flags all around.
was in, and still in the same situation as yourself.
Dear thankless job~
Reading your post was like reading something I have written in my journal and feel myself. It is very hard being in our situation. I too have given my step-children everything I can. I attend their sports events (even when my husband can't), I attend school funtions, and try to make their life with myself and their dad as wonderful and "normal" as possible; I never get the respect I should. My husband's parents and his ex-wife always believe and have told me that I'm not their mother and sometimes I attend things where I really don't belong. I don't understand it because I get along great with my step-kids and what "healthy emotional adult" wouldn't want another positive person in their child's life especially, a person who is their step-mother. Come on, there are so many situations where the two don't get along.......don't think these people would want the kids happy and treated well?????
But it comes down to this, it always has to do with the kids, they need to come first. We are adults and we need to learn how to keep a smile on our face and no matter what........don't let them see our issues. They didn't ask for this and I'm sure they try their best too. I can't count the times I went out in the back yard or got in my car to drive around the street so I can scream without them hearing me. It is so hard, trust me........but for me, no matter what I do, I do not get credit. I hope things will be different for you.
I don't agree
I don't think the kids need to always come first. I think that they should be well cared for and loved, but the adult relationship should come first. The children will grow and move on, but you will be left with nothing if you don't cultivate your relationship with your spouse/SO first.
I definitely don't agree that you should always pretend to have a smile on your face. I think that there are ways to teach these kids that everything and everyone isn't always happy 100% of the time. People can sense when things are wrong and pretending everything is ok is more confusing. I don't think that kids need to hear every detail or know every aspect of things that are going on, but a well placed explanation can help them learn how to express their feelings. Other times, it is just plain none of their business (or anyone else's for that matter)and I think they can be taught that too.
Back to the original question - I think eventually most step parents get some credit. It is long overdue in most cases, and probably many years to late for most, but I don't believe any of us would do this if we didn't think that someday we would be appreciated.
I was in the same situation
My BF did the same crap when I first started dating him...I waited until things got serious to tell him that our relationship would need to come first. He also needed to quit doing favors for his ex wife...god knows why he did this crap cause she cheated on him and HE divorced her! He also parents out of guilt alot of the time...which Ive told him over and over it isn't good for his son...there are alot of things I feel guilty for about my parenting and things that have happened to my child but I have learned from parenting classes that you cannot let those feelings interfere with parenting..it makes things worse! Everyone who responded is right...take their advice
Same boat too, but not any longer
I think the best thing we as parents can do is provide a happy home with a healthy environment for our kids. That also means we teach them that respect and courtesy are part of any relationship. Yes, be friendly with the ex; but respect the step parent because they are making a choice to be a parent.
Who would want to be second in a relationship? The marriage vows are made to each other not to the kids (biological and step). Eventually we hope they grow up and move out on their own and have a happy healthy life bringing the grandchildren home for us to spoil and then TAKING THEM BACK.
No advice from me, but just the advice to think about yourself and you and your fiancee -- what do you want in life?
Kevin