To me, the step parents try harder than bio parents

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why is it that step parents, like me, try to do what needs to be done with these brats while the bio parent does half the work! i really don't get it! it's F'd up! i have tried and tried, having talks with my wife's little princess bitch. i know this sounds harsh but it's just how it is. this 13 year old does nothing around the house, just thinks she will be a famous dancer all day. dream on kid dream on. she never even practices dancing, but spends every waking moment on the cell phone which, 2 years ago, was supposed to be used for emergency use only! i'm so tired of saying emergency use only and my wife is sick of hearing me too and of course won't do anything about it. i guess she got used to paying the $100 + extra a month for the high bills her daughter jacks up and my wife doesn't make much money at all. no, don't say anyting to your kid. God forbid you could teach her a lesson and save money to help with THE BILLS! no, i don't pay for it and i never will. i don't pay for anything for this brat. that is the agreement. i'm very upset because she lets this kid get away with murder. she is too concerned with being her friend than a parent who disciplines.

there is no discipline except to me when i try and discipline this brat. she is in my house and ignores me daily. she stays in her room with the door closed. always on the phone. started wearing makeup and huge tacky hoop earrings at age 11...doesn't bother her mom...just me and the bio dad. luckily, him and i are on the same page but the mother / my wife / is to blame and won't budge. i'm tired after 8 years of this, married for almost 2 of them. we are building a new home and i have invested a lot in it. it will be ready in a month so that confuses me more. i'm sick of being called names by my wife when i did nothing wrong except try to discipline this kid. i enforce the grounding that was given by the mother. i then come to find out that, oh, that was dropped....SO BACK OFF AND LEAVE MY KID ALONE! i have been thinking of leaving. my wife "grounded her" for a month...that lasted a day and she is going out with friends again and on the cell phone all the time still. i can't do anything since i don't pay the cell phone bill...that is what i'm told.

yes we finally tried counseling but i practically had to drag my wife kicking and screaming to go there. after a few sessions that was it, she was tired of it. she supports this kid more than me and just doesn't care. i need someone who will talk with me through the good and bad. i really don't get that, especially during the bad. someone suggested the other parent look at this site. that will never happen, especially since my wife thinks she is doing nothing wrong.

back to the original....bio parents do half the work and yell at us for trying to help raise the kids. why is this? we should be the ones catered to. we don't have kids and we don't need this crap! if we left, we would have a better time finding someone new since we have no kids, and yet, we stay with this torture. we should be the ones trying half as much. why do we try twice as much? i'm giving up. if i stay around i'm ignoring this kid and letting the mom deal with it, until it gets really bad. then i will rip into her again, only because it's under my roof.

Steve

I am totally there with you. Being a Step Parent is the most thankless job I ever had to deal with. You have to have totally suuport of your partner otherwise it wont work and you end up being the bad guy. Trust me I know. My way of dealing with it is that I totally disenage. I don't do a damn thing for someone who is going to disrespect me and at one time I only paid bills in my home that only pertained to me. I separated my checking account from DH's. I only paid my half of the mortgage, food, bills, etc. Anything else fell back on my DH. Basically I went on strike. I got my point across.

In my case my DH has custody of his children. The children are not the problem per say in my case. They see me as a parent. However we get a lot of legal harrasment from BM. She has done nothing but cost us a lot of money for stupid shit and SHE is the one who abandoned these children and ran off with another man to another country.

again, caught in the middle

again, caught in the middle of BS. that's all it is. we do have separate checking and savings accounts. unfortunately i have to pay for most of the mortgage and all utils. the reason? she doesn't make that much money at all. forget questioning her on moving on up to a better paying job. she has been offered management rolls...won't do it. she is content with bankers hours making close to nothing. so i'm stuck if the mortgage is to be paid. i get the old...you make more, you should pay more. then i mention her kid that she has. she says...you would have to pay the gas and mortgage whether she was here or not. i can't win and i'm getting to the end of my rope. i'm glad your "on strike" thing worked. it wouldn't work over here. if i ignore the little bitch it just makes me resent her all the more as time goes on and then when she really screws up i wind up yelling more. i wait for the day when she really needs something from me...if she approaches me that is...i won't be there. i'm going on 2 days of the wife not talking to me because i tried to reprimand her brat. i may look for places to live just to see what is out there, and just bail on the new house. i don't care anymore.

Fighting a losing battle Stever.

NCP should have rights too! The first and foremost agreement made by my DH and myself was that we would ALWAYS be a combined front when it comes to the children,( his son and my daughter and son)As ss resides with his bm, we only have to utelize the dicipline for him when he is in our home( which has been over a year and half, taking bm to court asap but that is a different story in itself) however, ss follows the same rules when he is in our home as my children follow on a daily basis...there is no guilt on dh part with ss that allows ss different privilidges. I and DH agreed early on that what punishment we gave to any of the children would be backed by the other, should be disagree with the punishment, we would go to a private place( out of ear shot of the children) and discuss each others position regarding the dicipline, and if a change in that punishment was to take place it would be agreed on as well by us both.No matter what the situation, DH and I are a combined front when it comes to the children as they need this as much as we do as a couple. The biggest issue dh and I take on raising OUR children is that " the day will come when they all have their own lives" however, DH and I will be have a forever life together...so that comes first. I know that might sound callous to some who post here,as most feel the children come first, but DH and I agreed early on that in our home it is God first, then each other and then our kids...

Steve

I feel bad for you cause I am kind of in the same boat. It take me to go to extremes to get my point across. I would not go into further debt taking on this new house payment unless your wife is going to contribute 50% period. She wants to keep brat she needs to totally be able to take care of brat if you are not around.
Sometimes it takes completly withdrawing your contribution and maybe even leaving the situation before your partner sees your worth in a relationship. If I didn't have my DH's support in our situation I would have left a long time ago. I am the main wage earner in our family. My leaving would totally put he and the children into poverty. The ONLY reason I am staying is he does support my decisions in my home. I wouldn't put up with what you are dealing with. Why reward Wife and brat with a new house if you are not being respected????

these are all great points

these are all great points and i agree. they don't deserve this house and the weird thing is i have been feeling like i will never set foot in it, i'm just watching it be built for someone else. given the brat and the wife and the living arrangements since january (living with her cold mother since then while the house is being built...i NEVER wanted that!)

just got off the phone with the bio dad. he is really pissed. he can't stand this situation. my wife is all over him too when he tries to take the cell phone away from this brat. if i had the talk with her tonight about things changing or me leaving...she will probably say, fine, go ahead. she is stubborn. i'm thinking about calling the office today for the new home and asking them what i need to do and how much will i lose? i don't want to do this but i also can't and won't live with this BS. i'm really glad your husband agrees to talk with you and in separate rooms even! i'll never see that day.

by the way, what is DH? divorced husband?

DH

Is Dear Husband, sometimes in can stand for something else if I am angry LOL. I would call and see what your liabilities are when this is said and done. At least she will know you are serious. What would happen if you died tomorrow God forbid? Would she be able to take care of you and brat by herself? This is a point I made to my DH.

My Skids BM doesn't do a thing for the children more that the court orders. No Birthday cards, christmas gifts nothing. I have made it totally clear I don't have to do a damn thing for them. Legally I don't have to. DH only has to supply clothing and their care. Clothes can come from Salvation Army and we don't have to buy their favorite foods if we don't want to. I got their attention really quickly.

Stepparents DO try harder

I have been married to my husband for just over 2 years. He has been divorced from his daughter's mother for nearly 15 years. She will be 18 in a month. I am 29. I have no children, and come from a family where I am the ONLY child and ONLY grandchild on BOTH SIDES of my family of origin

She came to live with us this summer, and her mom has been a complete psycho. Passive aggressive, uncooperative, undermining everything husband does/says, etc...

Anyway - stepdaughter is a senior and TOTALLY unmotivated. Just took college entrance exams and BOMBED them

I could see that this was coming - because my husband refuses to reign her in (because she was never allowed to do ANYTHING when she lived with her mother), but she is never here. Lately if we ask her to do something, or don't give her her way, she starts arguing and crying - She was NEVER like this in the 5 years I have known her.

She is unwilling to "try" or take initiative to learn new things, or how to do things on her own. She is not budgeting her time properly.

I have been going to counseling (by myself) because:

1. I don't want to screw this up and damage my stepdaughter. she has been through HELL since she moved in here
2. I am unsure what my role is (because I have a good rapport, and she actually talks to me about her problems. I have been TRYING to get my husband to get with it (because after all - she IS his kid)
3. I am concerned for her future - and we literally only have 1 semester to get her on the right track.
4. THE BIG ONE - It is causing husband and i to fight. he thinks I am nagging, (really just trying to get him to sit down with me and come up with an agreed list of ground rules)
but I think that we need to have a united team to parent her in this final stretch before adulthood. If this is not a priority for him, why should it be for her.
(sigh)
5. I have been trying to be proacticve - and nip this in the bud, but I feel like that is HIS job to discipline
I don't do "reactive" if I can help it.

I don't have any friends that have children older than 4th grade - and only 1 or 2 have a spouse with an ex and a child.

Anyway

Again - I agree with you - that steps do try harder

Perhaps if the parent married to the spouse would help, we wouldn't have to !

I am trying like hell (sigh)

She came to live with us this summer, and her mom has been a complete psycho. Passive aggressive, uncooperative, undermining everything husband does/says, etc...

Anyway - stepdaughter is a senior and TOTALLY unmotivated. Just took college entrance exams and BOMBED them

She is unwilling to "try" or take initiative to learn new things, or how to do things on her own. She is not budgeting her time properly.

I have been going to counseling (by myself) because:

I don't have any friends that have children older than 4th grade - and only 1 or 2 have a spouse with an ex and a child.

Anyway

Again - I agree with you - that steps do try harder

Perhaps if the parent married to the spouse would help, we wouldn't have to !

I've been married to my H

I've been married to my H for 9yrs and his brat just keeps getting worse. Sd is 19 and a junior, she couldn't pass the ACT or PSAT. I tried repeatedly to tell them both she needed to study, maybe even a tutor but all that got me was to watch my tone when I speak to sd. She has been in trouble since we got married and I tried to deal with it, H was on the road a lot. But the last 6yrs he's been home and sd takes advantage of that. I'm so wicked, mean, awful and anything else you can think up because I tried to make her behave and follow the rules. So I finally said F you both and disengaged. When she gets in trouble now H has to deal with it cause I'm not going too and believe me she can get into a lot of trouble constantly.

I think it is because we are volunteers.

The Bio's have no choice so it is easier for many of them to shirk their parental duties. Personally I have no problem reminding my SS or my wife that I do not have to be here I choose to be here. I don't have to say it very often but when either or both of them get a little obtuse I will play that card if I feel I have no other choice.

Yes, you will have to pay utilities, phone bills, property taxes, etc ..... with or without the Skids and the spouse. But ......... you could be paying those things for your condo on the lake rather than the house in the burbs with the good school district. Also, only people who do not have a particularly good grasp on how money works argue the perspective that it is no more expensive to pay utilities for one than two or two than three, etc ..... Our utilities, food, etc ..... go up by about 35-40% when my Skid is home from school.

Our bills go down significantly when he (SS) is on summer visitation (5wks) to BioDads.

When he is gone we still spend about the same amount of money monthly but we do things like weekends at a B&B or weekend trips to somewhere interesting rather than just spending the money to feed and entertain the Skid. Don't get me wrong, he is overall a great kid but his is not a cheap hobby by any means. I have no problem giving him the benefit of family resources including my income but I do expect that he will perform (school, chores, behavior, etc...) and treat his Mom and I with appropriate respect as his parents.

My wife and I agreed years ago that if we were going to be married and SS was going to live with us that I was Dad and I would be heard and obeyed by the Skid and have equal say in parental decisions in partnership with my wife.
In the rare event that she and I cannot come to agreement on a decision regarding the Skid there are times when I put my foot down and times when she puts hers down. I do not always get my way in those situations but I am at least batting .500 in those occurrences.

My SS is now 16 and a junior. He and my wife understand very clearly that if he does not deliver adequate academic performance for the rest of HS then ZERO family resources will be spent on college for him and his graduation present will be a one way shuttle to the military recruiters office and he can figure out what he wants to do with his life on his own dime and not on mine/ours.

I am not sure my wife completely understands how serious I am about this but she has a pretty good idea and will learn very quickly when his key no longer fits our door after graduation if he fails to meet basic performance and politeness criteria.

Steve, if I was you I think it is time to have a major Come To Jesus Clarity Session with your wife. At this point I think it has little to do with your SD and everything to do with your wife not understanding reality all that well. Her behavior as you describe it is unacceptable IMHO. I would not normally recommend this in an equitable marriage (one where the spouses are true life partners) or even in cases where one spouse makes significantly more if not all of the family income ....... but ........... I think you wife needs a refresher on the Golden Rule as it exists in your household. You make the Gold so you make the Rules ..... or at least have the final decisions..... including the decisions about the consequences of SD's behavior. I have had to tell my wife many times in our 14.5 years of marriage "if you don't like how I discipline the Skid, then you better do it before I have to".

I had to remind my SS just this week that if he did not watch his occassional smart ass comments that he could vacate my home. His mom got a little tight jawed when I jerked a knot in his tail but she did agree that he had stepped over the line.

Maybe my situation is more tenable because I have been Dad since before SS turned two. I changed diapers, cared for him in the evenings after work while his Mom finished her degree, MBA and CPA, etc .....

All IMHO of course.

Good luck and best regards,

late response to Rags

not sure if you're still on here but thanks for the response! what you said all makes sense and i agree completely. i do make the gold and am the accountant in the house, however, she has the final say because it's her kid. don't get me wrong, it has caused many fights because i won't stand down for what i believe in...and i'm not harsh either....there are rules. anyway, if it gets bad the wife threatens to leave and i'm always the bad guy. this is bad on a few levels...the house, $$$ (sure she doesn't pay that much but what she does, helps.) we also have a son now...15 months old, and i will not have him living with her mother / his grandmother. he needs to be with me and her and not a torn apart house... more details that are unecessary but you get the idea.

I'm still here. Since I have yet to figure out the Sparent thing

to an adequate level of perfection I will be her for a long, long while.

I can understand your frustration. I am not a harsh parent either but I do expect compliance with the rules of the home and with instructions from my wife and I ...... as far as the Skid is concerned.

The issue is accountability IMHO. For both your Wife and your SDaughter.

One thing that I do with my employees as far as the "I will just leave" crap is tell them that they just used up their one chance only brain fart by verbalizing that BS. I tell them the next time they threaten to quit that they just resigned and they can hand their badge over immediately.

Not that I would advocate quite that hard a line between spouses but my opinion is that if I have to worry about my wife getting her panties in a wad and walking out over a disagreement over a cell phone or reasonable discipline of our kid (my SS) then I might as well let her know that if she walks her key may not work if and when she decides to come home.

I respect her enough to not threaten to leave when things get tense and I expect the same respect.

Fortunately this has not happened in our marriage and is extremely unlikely to happen. So for the purposes of this post my perspective is primarily based on my opinion and hypothetical situations not on personal experience. Not that we have not and do not have the occasional passionate argument. Like every marriage we disagree sometimes.

The joint child thing of course makes a hard line on this type of thing difficult to implement. I have family and friends (male) who have folded to the threat of "do what I want or I will take the kids and leave".

As males we are at a built in distinct disadvantage once the Wife/BM walks with our kids.

My wife and I have no BioChildren together. Our Son (my SS-17) is an only child in our home. But, I have been Dad since he was 15mos old and could not imagine not being his Dad.

Hang in there. You really are doing what is best for your Skid , marriage and family IMHO.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

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To me, the step parents try harder than bio parents