My DH is a F***ing Hero
My SS17 graduated from high school last night. DH had advised both SS and BM that I would be attending the graduation with DH. So what do you think happened? The school gave SS17 six tickets, whereupon SS gave his father a ticket and did not give me one. (The BM [who is bipolar, as is my SS17] has run a campaign of alienation against me "since Day 1.")
The graduation had been moved indoors to the gym due to the threat of thunderstorms, so if you didn't have a ticket, you had to wait in a line of non-ticket holders outside the gym to be let in 15 minutes before the start of ceremonies. Even then, if you didn't get there way early, there was a good chance you wouldn't get in. SS lives in a small town, and the hubby says those graduations are always packed.
The day before graduation, SS called his father to inform him of the people who would be receiving tickets. I was not on his list of recipients. I happened to be in the room when DH took that phone call, and could tell that DH was nonplussed about the conversation because he stuttered and hesitated at one point, but just hung up the phone and informed me that SS wasn't going to give me a ticket. At first, I was going to stay home with my SSIL (who didn't receive a ticket either, oddly, though SS17's brother's GF was given a ticket), but honestly, this felt like a big "F*CK YOU" to me from SS17.
DH let me know he was going to stand outside with me in the non-ticket holders line, and if SS wanted to give the "extra" ticket to someone else, he could do so. When DH called SS17 to inform him of this, SS threw a temper tantrum about it, and then tried to turn the situation into a scenario where DH was compelled to keep the ticket, not wait outside with me, and be sure to get into the gym, or else it proved that DH didn't love SS17. He said to DH, "she's my stepmom, but you're family." SS told DH that if he did this, that we should just leave after the ceremony and not speak to him. An argument ensued, and as I watched DH, he threw his phone forcefully into the backyard and was furiously pacing the deck. We had to go looking in the grass for his phone battery, and of course DH was expecting the typical angry phone call from BM at any time after that (which thankfully never came... this time).
DH stuck to his guns and stood by me. He recognized that SS17 had just done something extremely manipulative and nasty, and DH wasn't going to allow himself to be manipulated. DH gave his ticket to our SSIL and stood in line with me for almost two hours, waiting to get in. We were third in line, so we got in easily and were able to find a seat. Unfortunately, SS17 was not placated to see his father sitting in the gym with me. As SS went up to get his diploma, he looked briefly at my husband--stone faced--then looked away and would not look at him again.
After the ceremony, we felt like Daniel walking into the lion's den. This was also the first time I have seen BM since she and DH first separated 3-1/2 years ago--and especially hard because SS decided he was going to hold a grudge. We did what was necessary, with BM wearing her best "churchgoer smile" the whole time (What a hypocrite.) This is amazing because BM had no qualms about showing up in the high school parking lot one day, screaming at my SD, "YOU'RE A WHORE!!!"
SS did not ask DH to take a photo with him, and DH didn't push the issue. We left the gym with nothing but the rather cold comfort that we'd done the right thing.
This morning, on SS's FB page, there is a nice big photo of SS and his mother standing together and smiling after the graduation. Whoop-de-fuckin'-do. 
SS is getting ready to experience the consequences of his poor choice and bad attitude in a big way. BM had called DH a few weeks ago and asked him to help SS get a car. (SS began showing up for visits with DH at our home right after that happened--gee, what a coincidence). DH and I were going back and forth between two options for getting SS17 a car: either give him my 2008 compact car, or give him about $2,500-$3,000 to buy his own car. DH does not have the money personally to get SS a car this summer--our budget has always run very tight because of the amount of alimony and CS DH pays. Extra CS was provided for in their divorce agreement due to SS's unusual medical needs (ongoing meds and treatment for his bipolar disorder). Next month is DH's last child support payment, and our finances improve quickly after that, but DH still can't afford to get SS a car until Xmas.
Well. Upon hearing that SS17 does not consider me family, I have taken my money and my car off of the table. DH will soon be informing his son: "SS, I can't afford to get you a car until Xmas. [LadyOfShalott] was going to use her personal money to get you a car this summer, but after that stunt you pulled at graduation, you're going to have to negotiate with LadyOfShalott if you want a car this summer."
DH and I were both shocked and hurt by SS's refusal to give me a ticket, and his nasty attitude afterward. He really expected his father to throw me under the bus, so to speak. We made the best of it, though, and didn't give in.
I have not worked in over a year, so I was taking that money out of my personal savings. Why the hell would I do that for someone who "doesn't consider me family"? DH understood.
My DH is a f*cking hero.
***NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER***
Way to go DH!! I'm glad he
Way to go DH!! I'm glad he stood by you. And yay, save your money! Even if SS does an about face you know it will only be about the car. And thats so exciting about his last CS payment! I can only dream of that day.
He doesn't view you as
He doesn't view you as family? He gave you a great gift by saying that. You don't have to treat him like family. All you have to do is treat him with the same civility you'd show a stranger.
I'm always amazed when a
I'm always amazed when a parent feels they're required to get a kid a car. That a SM would consider chipping in for a step is beyond amazing. A rare exception would be a child who acting the exception treated the SM with respect and it was a high level rite of passage such as a college graduation or wedding.
I'm glad he stood up with you, that was definitely a show of support on his part and put the kid on alert that he can't push his father around. This tells me he's more interested in teaching his kid the lessons of life than he is in being his kids pal. Becoming an adult can lead to many slaps in the face of reality as I'm sure you know and a kid who has been coddled up until then may find that the consequences of stupidity can be harsh.
I think too often kids are
I think too often kids are taught to expect the car but not tAught how to get the car.
My parents bought my first car. I was not allowed to work. It would have been embarrassing for them to have their kid working at any of the local teen type jobs. According to mom. And yet it didn't stop her from bitching about the cost and how I didn't contribute to it. I finally got a job at a fast food place, but the bitching didn't stop. I learned be very careful about accepting gifts, there are always strings attached.
The DH handled his kid very well. Big kudos to him!
I can relate -- the SK's
I can relate -- the SK's stepgrandparents (their stepfather's parents), got preferred seating at the graduation. Meanwhile, DH and his parents (and I) were far way in general seating. I don't care about where I sat, if it would have been an issue I would have stayed home. But their own GRANDPARENTS? The ones who, along with my DH, have supported them above and beyond all these years?
I would have been quick to assign that move to the BM, but I will also place responsibility where it also belongs... with the SK's, because they're OLD ENOUGH to know what they are doing.
And then they didn't even make time for their own dad and grandparents after the ceremony... they took off without saying anything.
If this is the indication of more things to come, I'm going to be nauseous. Not for me, but for my DH and IL's. I truly feel badly with the way things have gone this entire weekend (in essence, DH and his parents have been ignored, except for the SK's coming over ~briefly~ to get their substantial graduation money gift from IL's yesterday, then taking off again even though we had planned a big dinner, cake, etc... all uneaten).
I hate this whole stepfamily thing.
This could be the beginning
This could be the beginning of a new togetherness for you and DH, LadyofShallot (I love your name, btw). It was for a us last year. It feels good, doesn't it? Good luck handling your pack of crazies, they sound awful and likeley to bleed your DH dry. Mine are not much better either.
My story is similar to yours. Last spring 2 of my skids were graduating, one from high school, one from college. The college graduation was first. DH emailed SS a week before, asking where our tickets were. SS22 wrote back to say he was not going to the big ceremony, only his department's party, and there were no tickets for that. DH could come, but i could not. That
prompted DH to write back advizing SS22 to be ashamed of himself and subsequently we did not attend. The skids by then were BM's completely brain-washed bots, as tog puts it.
When YSD17 sent the same message the following month, DH responded in the same way - You need to be ashamed of yourself. She promptly disinvited him too. He resolved not to go. I thought about it, and decided since she is not yet an adult ( kinda does not know what she is doing - or gets one last pass) we would go and attend the public ceremony together without approaching the brats or BM. Which is what we did: DH called the school, they issued us two tickets, we watched the parade of penguins ( they wore white gowns and looked pretty ridiculous) and left. I felt good about it for two reasons: we showed them that they would not be able to control us, and we did the right thing by attending together, avoiding any unpleasantness, and not engaging.
I think that was the time when we started taking out (joint) power back. It feels great even though DH and BM are court! There is no relationship with the abusive skids right now, which feels even greater! They ignore DH, me, my kids, and since last winter shun DH's sister, their aunt - BM's cult madness is spreading like wild fire.
I really hope it turns out to be Mad Cow Disease...
I am sure your DH is happy to be seen as a hero! I would be VERY nice to him! You have no reason to help with the car purchase and every reason to be very happy with your husband. Family is a two-way street - skids better learn it now. SS should be kicking himself for playing his cards very, very badly.
Applause to your DH. As for
Applause to your DH. As for a car for SS-17 ..... nope. Buy him a bus pass, put it in an envelope with a snarky card mentioning that nasty manipulative children do not get cars even for HS graduation. }:)
DH's ex has inserted me into
DH's ex has inserted me into her "frame" as "the other woman" because it suits her to portray herself as The Victim. BM is officially medically diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and has narcissistic tendencies. It's always all about her. DH and I started dating and moved in together very quickly after he left her. Too bad, so sad! She had many years to work on her marriage and try to make it work... but she couldn't do it. Oh, and that's now *my* fault? DH and BM had a horrible marriage and DH says he stayed married to her much longer than he should have, "for the kids."
It is the BM's hypocrisy that really gets to me. The BM was a repeat, flagrant, serial adulteress in her prior marriage before my now-husband, and she has a son and daughter from that marriage. BM was so promiscuous during her first marriage that she isn't sure who the biological father of her daughter is. In addition to that, she got pregnant with, and gave birth to, SS21 before she was legally divorced from her prior husband. She also literally worked as a prostitute for a while, with a boyfriend as her pimp, and told people that she "enjoyed the work." It's part of the family lore that BM's first husband told my current husband at one point re. the BM, "she's *your* problem now." It is the height of hypocrisy that when *she* wanted a divorce, everybody had to be compliant and pleasantly acquiesce to whatever she wanted, but when my now-husband wanted a divorce from her, she decided to make me the "scapegoat," in the Biblical sense, for her prior marital sins.
This situation didn't have to be ugly: ***she made sure it was ugly.*** I doubt it would level the playing field for the kids to know that their mother is "the pot who calls the kettle black," and that the pot is way blacker than the kettle. I know that kids find ways to defend (and even love) a parent who has been horrible to them, and that's not even the case here--BM always put the kids first in that marriage, and "bought" their loyalty by buying them whatever they wanted. She was still buying their loyalty after I came along, too. DH ended up nearly broke from that marriage, as well as nearly broken. When we first met, he was in the process of short-selling their townhouse because he was so deeply in debt, as a result of her profligate ways.
I know this all must sound awful to some. I've never cheated on a spouse of mine, while BM had an extensive history of cheating, even birthing her lover's baby while married to someone else. What would possess such a person to try so hard to paint *someone else* as a slut and a homewrecker? Answer: someone who is trying to divert the attention away from her own sins.
At any rate, about the car, I've already talked this over with DH and let him know that my car and my cash are off the table, period. It feels that I am giving away too much of my own personal power/ energy, to someone who has no regard for me. (SS17 was always civil before, though distant.) SS17 will just have to wait until his father can afford to help him get a car out of DH's own personal funds. (I didn't own or have regular access to a car until I was 25... btw, I'm 51 now.) Complicating matters is that SS17 lives in a small town, which makes transportation a high-priority issue for him.
Every kid has that moment when he learns "the world doesn't revolve around you" and this one was long overdue. It's fine to be an a**hole, but you have to know that you must own the consequences of doing so. The rest of us live with that every day, and SS17 must realize is not "special" in that regard.
I agree that my stepsons (both... there was prior drama with SS21, too) have given me a great gift. I don't have to keep banging my head against a brick wall, even for their father's sake. The only time we really see the SS's is when they want something, anyway. BTW, SS21 and his girlfriend sat with BM at the ceremony, and left immediately afterward without even speaking to us (which actually was fine with me... it just further demonstrates the level of animosity and disrespect BM is cultivating in her children toward me).
Thank you for listening. <3
BTW, I'm not going to do
BTW, I'm not going to do this, but I had this evil thought about going to SS17's FB page and typing in a comment on that pic of him and his mother at the graduation: "Codependents Anonymous meeting?" }:)