My husband refuses to acknowledge his son has issues
My almost 13 year old SS clearly has issues and my husband won't acknowledge them or admit that his son needs help. I believe my SS has severe ADHD, along with emotional and gender identity issues. I have done extensive research online as to the ADHD and he meets almost all of the criteria. I have started using some of the alternative methods suggested in getting him to do what he is told and have met with some success. However, since I am the only one employing the methods, the success is short lived. One step forward, two steps back.
I find that I end up battling my husband in order to help his child and I am getting tired of exerting all the effort. My husband gets angry with his son for acting like a girl but when I mention anything about it, I get yelled at. Case in point, I was cleaning my SS's room (he hadn't done it when he was told and we had people coming over and I didn't want them to see how filthy it was- I'm a neat freak) and I found a paper my SS had written that said "Juicy Black Dildos Suck."
I deliberated showing it to my husband because I knew he'd get upset. I finally decided that I couldn't keep it from him, nor was it my place to bring it up to his son. Of course my husband flipped out when he saw it and he called his son to ask him about it. My SS lied and said someone at school gave it to him. My husband was willing to believe the lie but I pointed out that a) it was in his son's handwriting and b) it was written on scrapbook paper I had given him to draw on.
All this led to a huge fight with my husband over his son's issues. I've gone from staying out of it, but I end up being accused of not liking his son. When I do get involved, I get accused of being mean to his son. My husband and I are not speaking. My last comment to him was "I'm fed up with you blaming me for all of your son's problems. He had issues long before I was around and I didn't create them."
I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I feel like I've tried everything yet nothing works.
I feel for you! I too was in
I feel for you! I too was in the SAME exact situation. I was not allowed to discipline, to acknowledge SD8's problems, couldnt say anything, wasn't allowed to get angry and MOST OF ALL was NOT allowed to disengage. Still, when I didnt do anythng - I was told I don't like her, I dont care about her, I only care about my BD and my SS. I was only married 6 months (together for 5 years tho) before I finally had it and told them to go! We still never even went on out honeymoon!
Please please please get YOU AND HUSBAND into some kind of counseling BEFORE you worry about dealing with SS's problems or issues. You two need to help yourselves get on the same page before you wind up in my situation. You are going to wind up reseting your husband and your ss and eventually you'll give up like I did.
Best of luck - get counseling asap!!!
cb, if your SS is looking at
cb, if your SS is looking at gay porn, he is probably gay. And that brings a whole nother can of worms with it. Listen to Broken and beg your DH to go for counseling now, because you are in for a long road. My brother is gay and he and I are extremely close, but being homosexual, like I said, brings with it a different set of challenges.
Thanks for the advice
Thanks for the advice brokenhearted. I am sooo sorry to hear that your marriage ended. I have suggested counseling to my husband numerous times and he refuses to go. Apparently admitting that there are issues will make him less of a man. I'm at my wit's end with the whole situation. What bothers me the most is that my husband and I have no other issues, the only arguments we ever have are about his son. I'm at the point where I'm resenting my stepson because he's destroying our well-being. I know it's wrong for me to blame him but when we only argue about him and get along great otherwise, it's hard for me to like my SS or want him around. I see him as a tornado blowing through our home, destroying everything in his path and I am left struggling to pick up the pieces. Running low on glue and patience.
Ah, all I can offer is
Ah, all I can offer is support. I am in the nearly exact same position with SS11, except that his ADHD and Bi-polar disorder are diagoinsed and DH still like to pretend like there is nothing wrong with him...seems to need to believe that SS is completly "normal" just not well behaved. Oddly enough when it comes to SS's obvious gender identification issues, DH I think would prefer to believe that the kid is a psychopath to he MAY...Just POSSIBLY...be homosexual. Does SS live with you or what's the visitation schedule like?
Honestly, it may not even be worth your fighting the good fight on this one if he isn't around often. I understand the urge to reach out but until SS moved in with us, I had just checked out & disengaged. Now that he has moved it...it's a little more in DH's face...again because while I will discuss it more and bring things to his attention, I make sure that I do so in a non-judmental way. I try to stay very...neutral, things like not mentioning that I found all of my makeup in SS's room, used and discarded until DH asked why I dropped a butt load of money at clinique. Or waiting for him to wonder aloud if SS has some kind of "issue" because he's been fighting constantly in the boys room at school...and then just saying "I dunno, but would it be the worst thing in the world if he's just sexually confused?"
Anyway, I'm glad I saw your post. I will definatly be looking up "some of the alternative methods suggested in getting him to do what he is told", as I have tried my hardest to alter his diet to the suggest with no luck but hadn't even thought to suggest new methods of dicipline to DH who is at whits end. If SS isn't already seeing a counselor it sounds like he should. Even neither parent will accept his problems, atleast the school counselor. I'm actually shocked that the school has yet to bring any of these issues to DH or BM. In our area, that's generally how the kids end up being tested and treated for ADHD.
CTNmom, I am pretty sure my
CTNmom, I am pretty sure my SS is gay. I have no problems with it. I think it should be acknowledged as he is getting picked on at school and he even got punched in the face and called a fag. It is very sad to see him going through it on his own. My husband claims he'll accept him no matter what but he's hoping he'll turn into this football all-star. Not going to happen and I've GENTLY tried telling my husband that but he blew up at me. There are so many issues involved that all I do is go over and over them in my head. I have a bizillion journal pages written about it and I don't know what to do. Hubby refuses counseling
Poor kid! You should
Poor kid!
You should somehow anonymously point him to all the "It gets better" videos on youtube. I think there is a whole website dedicated to it.
Oh, here it is. http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
It's specifically for LGBT youth....lots of awesome videos.
I encourage that you go to
I encourage that you go to counseling then. Obviously, dh is in denial. Go for yourself. Maybe down the road he will go and if not then you can learn more about yourself and how do handle/cope with your situation.
It is so sad that "you hate
It is so sad that "you hate my child" is the first thing out of their mouths! All you end up doing is defending yourself instead of focusing on and trying to correct the issue. Do all these dad's have some guy manual that tells them how to respond when confronted? In all I've read, ALL the men say the same thing. Funny, but not.
Too true! They always want to
Too true! They always want to blame someone else instead of facing reality. Divorce is extremely hard on kids, especially when one, or both, of the parents use the child as a weapon against the other. My husband's ex is guilty of that and the only reason she wants custody is for the money. My husband feels sorry for her even though she has admitted she only had my SS to keep my husband in her life and that if she knew he was going to leave, she would never have had him. What mother says that? My husband won't take her to court to try to get custody because it will be "too traumatic" for his son. A lot of the kid's issues are a product of his mother's behavior but my husband refuses to see any of it. Somehow, it's all my fault and I should be more understanding. I think being a stepparent should require a degree in psychology. I'm 39 and thinking of going back to school for it as all I seem to do is analyze the whole situation.
Smileygirl, alternative
Smileygirl, alternative methods are the way to go. One that worked well is when you ask your SS to do something, make sure you have eye contact and then ask them to repeat what it is they were asked to do. This way, they can't come back and say "I though you meant.." or "I didn't know." Both typical responses. Altering the diet is huge. NO RED DYE!!! I have told my husband that so many times it's not even funny but what does he do, let the kid have whatever he wants and then acts all confused when he's bouncing off the walls and can't focus. Basically, the kids can't be treated as "normal" and it's not demeaning to say that. They have issues and you have to find positive ways that work for them. If only the husbands would listen right?
SS does not live with us (thank God otherwise I would be medicated), he's here every other weekend. However, his mom and older half sister call my husband all the time to complain about behavior issues. He blames all the issues on the divorce because it's easier than admitting his child needs help. Me pointing it out to him results in huge arguments where I'm accused of bad-mouthing his child and hating him. It makes me sad because I'm the only one who sees what's wrong yet powerless to do anything about it.
I've threatened divorce twice in the past 2 1/2 years. That wakes my husband up for a few months and then he slacks off and the problems start all over again. I don't want my marriage to end because of all this but I don't know how much longer I can put up with all the problems when my husband does nothing to try to fix them. He ends up blaming me for everything and really, what have I done except try to help his child? It's not fair and it's extremely hurtful.
No time for more than a quick
No time for more than a quick comment, but is there any possibility of getting the school or teachers involved, at least with the ADHD? DH might listen to it more coming from a teacher or school counselor than you.
Hey DeeDee, teacher's have
Hey DeeDee, teacher's have commented on behavior but hubby does nothing but "cover" for him. He just will not admit there is anything wrong. Also, if I call to alert the school, it will only cause more problems. My SS is in middle school and the teacher's are so overworked that there is only so much they will or can do. If the parents don't request an IEP, it is out of their hands.
Cb, Sometimes acknowledging
Cb, Sometimes acknowledging the big elephant in the room helps a lot. " Ok SS, you're gay, now lets work on your behavior issues". Because the gay teen will think in thier mind that thier problems ALL stem from being gay, cause they are keeping this giant secret.
I WISH I could say that! My
I WISH I could say that! My husband actually has asked his son if he is gay and the response he got was "You'd get mad if I was gay Dad. No, I'm not gay." Ummm...isn't that somewhat of an admission since SS started with "You'd be mad?" My husband heard only what he wanted to hear and there is no room for further discussion. I'm doing my best to stay out of it. I really do want to help my SS but I'm tired of battling his dad. What to do?
I guess, nothing. Until DH is
I guess, nothing. Until DH is willing to take off the blinders, you're fighting a losing battle. The answer SS gave DH says it all- and may very well have been a cry for help. Phew.
You are absolutely right! It
You are absolutely right! It is a losing battle and there is nothing I can do. Lord knows I've tried but I'm tired of being called a bitch, etc. I just have to learn to say "this is not my child" and let his parents deal with it however they see fit, be it good or bad. I feel bad for my SS yet I have a hard time with him all at once. This leaves me confused and feeling bad about myself. I have NEVER felt like this in my life and it is so frustrating. Sometimes I just think of getting out of the situation because it makes me so depressed. Does that make me a coward or selfish? It seems like it's all never-ending and the issues/arguments only intensify. I'm drained and feeling like I've taken on baggage that exceeds my weight limits.
Its amazing to me how much
Its amazing to me how much these dad's stick their heads in the sand. I'm in the same boat with ss13. Even though he's seen a psychiatrist and been on meds since age 5 and is dx'ed adhd and odd and even spent a week in psych hospital at age 9, My dh pretends that he is a normal, average kid. Just like all MY kids. I wont even say he "thinks" ss is normal as deep down inside I know he knows he is not-but he just walks around pretending he is.
Sometimes in weak moments-my dh has confessed things like, "Dont you think I know my son doesnt have a conscience?" "Dont you think I worry about that all the time"-but then a few days later he will act like he never said that and ss is just a normal boy.
My ss13 also had some weird sexual type things going on for years-he used to steal my bras and panties and I'd find them in his room He did this from ages 5-9.5 or so. Then he moved out and it stopped (as far as I know-unless he does it elsewhere or has gotten sneakier here at our house). My dh had the hardest time with this-didnt want to tell the psychiatrist.
But then amazingly enough he'd make comments about MY son being a sissy, or turning out to be gay, because up until age 8 or so-he liked being around me a lot (wow imagine that) and he has never been an aggressive, bully type who likes to do things like fight and such. I finally told him if it was really a concern for him that one of our children turns out to be gay then he needed to take the focus off my son and take a look at his own. He never commented again about my ds after that.
I have a hard time even grasping the mindset. I know we all want to believe the best of our children, but I think it would be so much simpler to simply admit that there's a problem and then fix it! I've said just tht to dh. Whats the big deal? Just admit he has some problems and let's fix them or deal with them! Why is that so freaking hard? You've got a wife sitting here telling you that she wants to help you and your child with their problems and instead of being grateful, you attack her and blame everything on her not liking your kid? Cmon. It's just a blatant way to divert the attention to a different topic because they are so uncomfortable with the discussion on Junior's problems.
I've gone through the same
I've gone through the same thing so many times. I had a friend tell me something that totally stuck with me. She said she hated her mom when she was growing up and would call her a bitch all the time, yet when one of her friends called her mom a bitch, she got defensive and said that ONLY she was allowed to say that.
Same thing with our men.They KNOW something's up and they do make the odd comment about it but they don't want to truly accept it. It's far easier to ignore the issue (unless THEY want to comment) than to actually put the work in towards correcting it.
Also, I have a 19 year old daughter and whenever issues come up about his son, the first thing he does is start attacking my kid and pointing out what he thinks is wrong with her. She's no angel by any means but she really doesn't have any issues. She's in college, she works, doesn't drink or do drugs, not even smoke cigarettes, she's polite, caring, and still ASKS permission to go out with friends and not because I force her to, she just has respect. I think our husbands attack our kids out of jealousy. My new tactic is to say " I get that you have a problem with that but we are discussing your son now, we can talk about her later." That tends to stop him in his tracks.
I think they use whatever diversion tactics they can because they don't want to face the issues. My BF said none of us would be on this site, all having the same issues if we didn't care about our stepkids. We are all concerned with theses kid's well-being and only want what's best for them yet our husbands stand in the way and treat us like crap over it. What's the alternative? Not caring at all and watching these kids slowly deteriorate?
I feel for you and totally understand. It's so difficult to watch and be unable to really do anything.
Denial is exactly what it is.
Denial is exactly what it is. You're right in that I have pointed out that his child is damaged but he's the one who perceives it as negative when all I'm doing is trying to point out that he NEEDS help. I think that the main problem is that society dictates that your child is a reflection of you. So, if you're child has special needs, then as a parent, there is something wrong with YOU. It's pure selfishness to deny your child the help he/she needs because you don't want to admit they have issues.
I'm a parent outside of being a stepmom so I know what I'm talking about. My daughter had major emotional issues over her dad's drug abuse and abandonment of her. That IS NOT WHAT I WANTED FOR HER! Should I have denied her issues over it? NO! I gave her the help she needed and she's now a well-balanced young woman in spite of what she went through. It was MY RESPONSIBILITY as her mom to give her the help she needed! I just don't understand parents who are more concerned with themselves than with their child's well-being.
Admitting your child needs help is extremely difficult but denying them the help they need is atrocious. I am so angry with my husband over this. How do you not point out the problems when you see them happening? Do you just take an "I don't care" approach and let the kid hit bottom?
SS has already said he wants to die yet neither of his parents treated it as a serious issue until I said something to my husband about it. My BF in high school committed suicide at age 14 and same thing, no one took her seriously or believed her capable of it. I freaked out when I heard he said that and strongly recommended counseling yet it got turned into me being the bad guy.
I am truly scared of his future and what will happen to him, or what he will do to himself because no one else wants to acknowledge the issues he has. Yeah, I am going to throw it in my husband's face if it means saving his child's life.
I am reading my future. Its a
I am reading my future.
Its a vicious circle here. I have 2 children of my own from a previous relationship. DH has 2. His son is screaming for help. The difference is SS is 6 turning 7. So I am not yet in the teenage years yet don't know if I am going to make it.
I disengaged about a year back now, maybe a little longer. Same thing, try to point out SS is screaming for help, clearly has issues and are blamed. I felt it was to the point where if I pushed anymore, it was going to cost me my marriage. I decided SS7 has 2 functioning parents. We have him 50% of the time and no, I am not willing to throw away my marriage in the very slim chance something may help SS7.
As of last week, his teacher all but flat out stated she will be flunking him (grade 1) She wrote an entire page of comments, even asking how he acts at home with his siblings. He continues to get written notes weekly from the teacher asking for the parents to do something about his behavior.
DH's head is in the sand. I gave up trying because I was tired of being the bad guy for pointing out the obvious.
SS7s mother ensures both step kids view me as non existent. DH doesn't bother to correct only coddle. I live in a house divided into 2 families, me and my daughters with one set of rules and expectations. DH and his kids with no rules or expectations.
DH and BM have tied my hands. I am expected to do everything for these children except discipline or participate in any important decision. They are both fine to have me pick them up, drive them around, cook for them, make lunches, do laundry and pick up after them - as long as I don't dare point out obvious problems, suggest help, suggest consequences for bad behavior.
I love my husband. He is a weak parent. My bios love their step dad. The ONLY thing we argue about is his kids. Even that has stopped because now I say nothing - but instead I internalize it.
Will we make it until they move out? Will SS continue with no help and make it through the school system even? Will he become violent? He shows no remorse (his teacher even stated that) he hits, pushes, throws things, refuses to follow rules in school. Fights his dad on every 'order' like take a shower, or eat your dinner.
Why can't these men MAN up and understand its their job to raise the child they brought into this world??
All I want is DH to parent his kids so that I don't have to leave - because that is almost what it feels like is in my future.