new to forum: how do I survive (not fight) vicious ex-wife and entitled bratty teenage/20-something stepsons?
I am struggling with feelings of dislike and anger toward my stepkids. I LOVE kids and wanted my own so badly. Didn' twork out. I have ALWAYS made it clear that I knwo I'm not their mom....but I am an adult and I deserve respect and deference in my home. They don't give it to me. In fact, they are currently awful. I feel as though I am the adult, I should rise above all this but I can't let go of the hurt and anger.
My youngest stepson turned 16, this summer. I've known him since he was 10. We've gotten along really well until this summer when, out of the blue I was informed when I came down on him for being rude (neither of his parents are great about discipline) I was informed "you aren't a real parent. How dare you try to discipline me? You're just a stepmom". INtellectually I know he's 16 and challenging adults is part of growing up. Although since neither parent ever seems to feel that his talking back to adults is an issue, he is more used to it. I also know that since both his parents have found other people, one has moved to another state (my husband) for work and commutes to see his son every other weekend; and the mother is engaged to someone who lives in another country and is often away, I am the logical safe target.
My husband did NOTHING for 2 days "I wanted to see if he had the maturity to apologize" and then when he did, I got an oscar-winning apology but which felt totally false to me. I was also left with egg on my face, twisting in the wind for 2 days feeling like this kid had more right to be there than I do.
As a result, I've withdrawn. I haven't gone with my husband on his visitatino weekends since August. I have an older parent so it doesn't appear obvious, but my husband didn't believe the kid really felt that I'm nothing short of a comma in his life, until THIS weekend when he confronted him.
The eldest is horrid. Didn't speak to his dad for 3 years after the separation/divorce, took his mom's part. Normal, I guess but I tried really hard to get the two of them back together and thought i'd succeeded. Then my husband's mom died and the kid avoided the funeral and went to the carribbean with his mother for a vacation, instead. When I suggested that since he wasn't familiar with death, a sympathy note to his aunts and uncle might be something he could do, he lashed out at me (okay that was stupid but I really was trying to help HIM). He's sweet on the outside but you get to know him and he's a smug, nasty entitled brat if anything doesn't go his way. I know he had a very rough childhood growing up with people who clearly hated one another but...frankly? I dislike him.
What do I do? Avoid the kids (and essentially leave them feeling "Yay! Score 1 for us, we got rid of her!" ) or take their nastiness? I have less power than a babysitter but if I am not treated with respect in my own home, why bother with these people?
Stay the hell out of this.
Stay the hell out of this. Do not go on visitation weekends ever again. Do not have them in your home. Your husband has proven time and time again he will not support you, so he has no right to put you in a situation where his children will be rude and disrespectful towards you. You have every right to be respected in your own home, but you are dealing with young adults who choose to go on a vacation rather than go to their grandmothers funeral. These people obviously have no respect for anyone. Give the nothing. If you plan is to try to make them like you, to be nice to them, to give them another chance, your plan will blow up in your face. People like this will take your kindness as a weakness and you will have many more years of turmoil and hatred to come. Please, just let it go. For your physical health, for your emotional health and for your sanity, let it go. Your husband can visit them anywhere he wants, but you should not have to put up with them in your own home.
Thank you all. I have not
Thank you all. I have not seen the youngest( with whom my husband still has visitation) since the vacation in August. I have been spending time with my older parent who needs and loves me.
The question comes up for holidays and the kid's vacations. I told his dad I wasn't going to Mexico with them--- but seriously--- shouldn't it be that the KID doesn't get to go unless he shapes up?
I frankly don't care about going away--but I resent that this little brat is driving the bus.
And as to holidays? Don't want them near me, right now. I feel badly because it puts my husband in the middle; but he should say something!
Anyway, I scheduled a session with a terrific family counselor who had really great advice when we first got married and the kids were acting out.
I get that it sucks to have your parents divorce, meet other people and basically move on; but it also sucks to remarry and lose half the time with your husband because the kids of course, get priority.
My husband really tries to support me; he is a great guy...but he is also still fighting the ex in court--she makes more money and her fiancé is very very wealthy; and there's only 1kid left at home. I don't blame him on some levels for fighting her and trying to change the support but on the other hand it would be so nice to just get these nasty, entitled people out of our lives!!!
Well, in actual fact, your
Well, in actual fact, your husband put himself in the middle. Good luck with the counsellor.
While I get you being frustrated that the child gets to run the race, but you have to weigh up what is best for you. Go and prove a point whilst stressing yourself out, or stay home and be relaxed and comofortable in your own home,. But if staying home will make you feel worse than giving in and going, then go. Just do what is best for you.
Most of us have or are in your position. Your husband is the one who should have put a stop to this but obviously didn't. Forget the kids, sort your DH out. You absolutely do deserve respect in your own home.
This is going to finish up today or tomorrow with you completely disengaging frome these kids if your husband does not step up and be a parent who teaches his kids respect. I'd be willing to bet, he's not going to do that, hell if he tells his kids to play nice, they may not like him. Can't have that, best they don't like you. As long as you are the bad guy, dad gets a free pass.
Given that it will end up you having nothing to do with them, plan your holiday around what you want to do.