Hi there.

This is the last day of a 27-day visit with my fiancé's 2 sons, 16 and 18.

Suffice to say, the visit did NOT go well, and I'm here wondering if I should even marry my otherwise-lovely fiancé.

He seems to have Guilty Dad Syndrome. The kids have zero rules when they're here. They stay up til 4 AM, do no chores, he lets them drink beer like nobody's business (they're from UK so it's legal there), they smoke cigarettes as well. Run through their Dad's money like it's water.

I'm at my wit's end. I have a severely motor disabled 13 year old son. He can do nothing for himself physically, so he has no chores at all aside from his homework during school, but he is respectful of me and he loves my fiancé. I'm not saying he never talks back but if/when he does, I discipline him! He has rules and expectations.

I've spoken to my fiancé about all this and he's said that when his kids are here (thankfully, rarely! maybe 10% of the time?) he "doesn't want to be on their backs all the time" because he doesn't see them much. I think it's unliveable... I have to care for my son all day long, and he's recovering from major surgery which has left him in pain and unable to sleep well at night (I'm getting up to turn him 10-12 times/night).

Waking up to beer bottles and candy wrappers strewn over the living room is just NOT doing it for me!!!! I don't pick them up, I let my fiancé find them, and instead of telling the kids to clean up behind themselves, he does it himself and acts like it never happened.

These boys are on the cusp of becoming men. In my opinion they are woefully behind in the game, unable to get up on time for anything, unable to prepare their own breakfast, unable to participate in the running of the household. They're not "bad" kids, no delinquency, they're in school (although one of them had to miss a year due to not being able to get his butt out of bed in the morning!). They live in another country with their mother, who left my fiancé for some reason and took the kids with her, without telling him she was leaving. I think he feels residual guilt for that, and that she took them back to a crappy area (but all this is not his fault, so I don't get the guilt trip lasting 10 years!).

I was raised on a huge operational cattle farm with LOTS of siblings and we basically ran the house, becaue otherwise our parents would have crumbled. I'm not used to kids being treated like they live in a 5-star hotel, having no responsibilities and asking outright for money. At their ages, I had a job or was at university where I had 4 jobs. Their father was employed at 16 and hasn't been out of work since then! So WTF is going on here?

I guess my question is more, how do I save my relationship? And can it be saved if my fiancé thinks his kids' laziness and comfort is more important than our household running smoothly? The first and only arguments we've had have been over this last month and his children/household things. I am so sad right now and I feel utterly powerless.

Please help.