because DH doesn't give a damn about your marriage or you. If he did he would never have given you that ultimatum.

I'd try counseling as a lst resort but honestly in your place I'd be making plans to be out of there and fast. Let him deal with his bratty spoiled kids.

You're not ready to quit so try this:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

I would choose counseling but not the family one, if your DH is not willing to go. You need it for yourself. You are the one who's hurt, and you need healing and comfort. It helps to hear an advice from a professional. What your step children do to you - is completely expected and "normal". Your frustration is completely expected and normal. We are human beings, and we communicate by exchanging energies. When I give my positive energy to someone I do expect the same positive energy in return. If I don't get that positive energy in return, rather negative one, I decide not to interact with that person anymore to avoid discomfort. When I grow and mature I learn to give my positive energy without expecting anything in return. I am still in process of learning how not to give back any negative energy when I recieve unreasonable negaivity from others who I have to deal everyday like my SS and his extended BM's family.

I uses to be a member of a private saddle club. One day I came to the stable with a bag full of treats - dried rye bread, but found no horses there, except one, a almost blind old veteran, who I fed all my bread. Before I left I reached my hand to pet the horse's nose, and the thing bit me. I cried Ouch, what the matter with you? Thankless rotten egg! Bad horse! - But of course the horse didn't care of me and my cry and my hurt hand (and emotions?), with no mercy she stepped back from me - she had no interest in me anymore, I didn't smell like bread anymore.
Same with the step kids LOL! Well, not exactly, but something in this picture is very similar SP-SK relationship.

Go to a couselor, tell the story, you will get some fresh ideas how the whole thing works and how to get out of illusions in any relationship. If you not getting what you need and want from this marriage, get out. You say you respect your vows, but marriage is not about vows, it is about love, support, trust, respect...If too many ingridients are missing, soup tastes like water - no one wants to eat it. Do you?