No dinner?
Let me start out by saying I have mixed emotions about this. I do realize that I will be talking out both sides of my mouth.
DH son (15) decided to reduce his time at our house by 2/3. I felt so horrible for my DH and the loss that he felt. He already had to give up 50% of his time with his kids due to divorce (not his choice) now his time is reduced even farther. I saw the pain on DH face but he always sees the bright side of things and said “well if he is happier and can come over happier that’s what matters.” I am secretly extatic to not have to have this kid at my house. Our home is so much better when SS (15) and even SD (9) are not there but 10 times better just not having SS (I know I sound like the devil but I really dislike his attitude toward me and our family). After only a few months of this SS decides that he doesn’t want to come over at all. I see how much that hurts my husband to lose his relationship and chances to have one when he is working so hard and continues to extend olive branches to no avail.
DH decided to ask SS if he could come over for dinner and visit for a couple of hours at least once a week. Sure that would be okay is SS response.
So this weekend was the 1st dinner that SS was planning on. He calls his dad and tells him that he is really busy can only come for an hour. From 6-7 and that he had plans with his friend that would just wait for him at SS mom’s house while SS is at dad’s. DH asks about another day…no on every day suggested. SS is too busy with school looking, for a job (don’t even get me started on this one!), hunting, and hanging out with friends. WTH??? I know that teenagers go through a selfish time but it is at least 20 mins to our house from the mom’s. Minus the drive time that left 20 minutes to eat and visit.
I feel horrible for DH he told his son that once he became a higher priority for more than just 20 minutes to give him a call. I know that is not what my DH wants at all but I can see that he feel s like his efforts are pushed back in his face. On the other hand I’m so glad that I don’t have to look at that kids face and see the way that he treats everyone. He is a good student (gets good grades) but horribly disrespectful to adults including his parents and his sister (with the exception of step dad who he idolizes) so I want nothing to do with him.
I do think that my DH is starting to get a glimpse of how SS has treated me over the last couple of years. I guess I just need to hear 3 things; is this normal teenage behavior, how can I help my husband deal with the continued loss of this relationship, is there any suggestions anyone may have to help extend an olive branch, and how can I stop feeling happy for myself when I feel so sad for DH?
Normal teenage behavior?
Normal teenage behavior? No...most kids show compassion. THis one doesn't and neither does my SD15. She has seen my husband 4 times in one year and she lives in the subdivision across the street. Long story. You would have to read old blogs...
I am happy she no longer lives here. I feel bad for DH, but I also am finally happy again. Sounds cruel, but understandable after the hell her and her BM put us through.
For some reasons these kids that have gone through a divorce at a younger age, lack compassion. I am sure there are studies on this, but I have never found any, but after reading blogs on here for the last two years and living it, I am sure that there is something to this. Why do they do things they do and not understand that it impacts others??? No compassion or understanding for others.
I work with teens and can
I work with teens and can tell you that most teens have compassion for others. Some do not and there are extremes like these children. I truly believe that unless your parents teach you compassion you do not have it. But, most teens do have it. Making excuse for the behavior because they are teenagers, is not right. You are excusing bad behavior under the pretense that they are just a teen and only think about themselves.
This kid needs to be held accountable for treating his father like crap. But, he won't be because Dad is fearful that if he does he won't have any relationship with him. The kid is holding him hostage. Because he is a teenager, we should just let him treat someone like that?
Some teens may show
Some teens may show compassion, but in general it is an age where empathy and compassion runs very low. That is actually the reason that in history teen males have been used to do a lot of the slaughtering of villages. The Tutsis and the Hutus one of the mire recent examples. Empathy , for many, has to be learned. Many young adults recognize how selfish they were as teens. Does not mean it does not hurt, but it is pretty normal.
It would be interesting to
It would be interesting to know how long the "idolised stepdad" has been in SS15's life. We had this phenomenon about 7 years ago when BM moved in with her so-called fiance and my SDs idolised him. My DH felt very pushed aside, although they continued to come EOW, but all their talk was of the "Stepdad" and their new "brothers" (step dad's sons).
Then after a couple of years of the honeymoon period everything turned bad, BM started arguing with the stepdad - she is VERY combative with everyone, and things deteriorated, eventually BM and SDs moved out, 2 years ago, although the relationship falters on - the SDs now hate the sight of their "stepdad" and SD16 has been having physical fights with BM over her continuing relationship with him. He is still nominally the fiance, though they will never marry, I'm certain.
It may turn out the same with your SS realising the stepdad has feet of clay. If not, then your DH may just have to be patient - if he is a decent man, which he sounds, his SS may eventually realise what he has lost and they can restore their relationship. I would suggest DH initiates occasional contact with his son so that the lines of communication are still open, but don't push it too much.
DH and his ex divorced 7
DH and his ex divorced 7 years ago. BM and now step dad moved in together soon after DH and his ex seperated. Yes that is correct she was having a relationship while they were married. After living together for a few months they seperated and then reconcilliated. Not sure how long they have been married but their relationship has been going on much longer than just 7 years.
Hunting with the stepdad has always been a higher priority with SS than any time with his dad. It breaks my heart to hear "SS isn't coming over because he is spending time with his stepdad."
Yes I keep telling my DH that it will turn around but I honestly am starting to no longer believe that.
And I do think that there is a bit of PAS going on with both kids.
I applaud your DH for
I applaud your DH for standing his ground and making the SS realize that he deserves more than a "fly by" visit. Normal teenage behavior? No.
Suggestions for extending the olive branch: perhaps set a day / time each week when SS is welcome to come to dinner so the SS can plan around it when/if he decides to reprioritize his life to include his father. Example: every Tuesday from 6 - 9. DH calls him on that day and ask if he is planning to come. That forces SS to make the choise each week and to verbalize his choice and deal with the consequences of his choice (having to say no to his father). I predict that if your DH keeps asking - keeps the door open - SS will eventually start making different choices.
I wish I had advice of how to help your DH deal with the loss of the relationship...it's hard to sit by and watch a heart being broken.
When these things have been
When these things have been talked with the BM about she states that is between the boy and his dad.
DH is at a loss. He doesn't know how to force his son to come over and his mother isn't any help on encouraging he visit his father. She will tell him that he doesn't have to go.
Yes I do believe that children need to be taught. We just don't know how to do this since we do not see him. Havent seen him in over a month.
It is horrible to hear the sister say isn't my brother coming over? I thought he said that he was. It's hard on her too.
Why is this child given the
Why is this child given the choice not to visit? He is 15 not 18! He is ordered to visit and he should be made to have at least some kind of schedule. I know that teens are busy and want to hang with friends but they also need their parents to be PARENTS! YOur dh needs to sit him down and say this is nbot going to fly and this is the schedule period! He may not want to come for 50% of the time he has before but he can come once a week for so may hours or over night. The kid doesn't get the choice! He is a KID! What is up with giving these kids that kind of power???
I agree with you 100%! And
I agree with you 100%!
And that was our stance everytime BM stated that one or both kids didn't want to visit. After contacting a lawyer there is no age limit and if the child does not want to go to one parents or not they don't have to.
Yes I think there should be a schedule and so does DH. But we get 0 help from the BM and the kids run the show at her house. We feel like we are left hoping they will want to visit. With no help from BM how can we reinforce a schedule when even a lawyer says if they don't want to they don't have to?
What I have never heard of
What I have never heard of that? Ever! If the Co says he has to visit then he has to visit! i think you need a new lawyer! I would ask more then just one something is not right. I know that here in my state the kid can voice what he wants but that is not set in stone the judge only takes it into consideration but if he feels that the kid will not benefit from that then he won't do it. Sorry it makes no sense that they get to choose.