No matter how hard I try I still feel like an outsider in my own home.
I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am starting to feel miserable in my own home. My wife and I have been together as a couple for almost 8 years, She has a 15 yo daughter and a 16 yo son. Her daughter has moved in and out on 2 different occasions primarily due to wanting to be at a school where her friends are attending. This last time her father moved about 8 hrs away and she decided to stay here in ms. Unfortunately her mother wants to be her friend (she is scared if she makes her mad she may move in with her father where she basically has had no rules or guidance)I have become so frustrated that I am the disciplinary person in the household and often feel like the bad guy because I am the only one who enforces the rules. I often find myself wondering if i am a bad person because I honestly do not like my stepchild she is Rude,disrespectful, self centered, loud and obnoxious. Her mother acknowledged this but her reply is she is just a typical teenage girl. I really don't know what to do because now it has began to cause problems with my wife and I, a couple of weeks ago I tried to talk to my wife and tell her my feeling's but felt brushed off when I was told I was over reacting. I just wished I had someone to talk to about this that was unbiased. I want someone to be strait with me not just take my side because they think that's what I want to hear.
Here it is straight
Here it is straight honey...While SOME teenage girls may be rude,obnoxious,loud,etc..not ALL are this way. Typically the ones who are that way are the one's with "friend-moms" instead of "parent-moms"
The self centered thing I will give them that it is a lot more common for the average teen. Volunteering at animal shelters and homeless shelters,soup kitchens,etc will help fight the self centered monster trait.
I hate to be the sayer of bad news but you will never be able to approach your wife with your true feelings. She will never take your side. I can tell by your post that she is in la-la land and in denial about who were daughter really is.
The best thing you can do is love your wife the best you can while putting your blinders on. It's the only way you'll survive. Fighting this isn't going to help you and will just give you hypertension and stress lines.
You will have to separate your marriage from your 'family' as much as possible. If sd says something shitty at dinner, don't carry it with you to the bedroom later that night. Leave it at the door and just be with your wife.
Your wife is NOT right about how she's doing things. But you can't change her. You can only change the way you react to her and her kids. You are only in control of YOUR feelings and YOUR behaviors. Don't give them the power to turn you into a prison warden monster.
Nothing worse than teenage
Nothing worse than teenage kids.....except teenage skids.
I have neva enjoyed parents who think their own bio kids can do no wrong.....I never invited anyone back to my house if they didnt parent their children properly..you know....back in the 2 year old times and you had some grotty child playing with your vcr and tv knobs....thems didnt get asked back again.....
your wife needs to be a mother, not a friend.
you need to remind her that teenage kids want boundries and rules in place...it helps them to feel loved...dont know why but its the medical truth....so give them some and clip her back in her place if needed...
you are the step dad and I love it when I click my fingers for my DH support in telling my kids to get to the table, mow the lawns, clean up your mess....cos its just another adult on your side who supports what your saying....so get back to that....make some rules and make her follow them.
I was pretty much in the same
I was pretty much in the same boat in our household. My SO was wasn't really parenting his kids, out of fear that they wouldn't want to come to our house. This was a nightmare, especially since we had them 50% of the time. I was constantly having to be the bad guy, just like you.
I finally had to give up... disengage. I told him that his children had two parents, and that I was not one of them. If neither one of those parents cared enough about these kids to step up and do what's right, why should I? I explained to him that not parenting them out of fear of losing them is only hurting them in the long run. I also told him that I was having a very difficult time living in a house with out discipline, that it did not feel like MY home, that I missed MY home, and was actually considering going back to it.
He started paying closer attention to what was going on and starting parenting them. Of course the two oldest bailed, but he let them know that they could not come back when they no longer liked being at their mothers' house. The youngest SS, who just turned 14, has made great improvements, however. He still has a long way to go with working on his attitude, but his grades have picked up, so that's a start. He might actually be the first one of them to graduate high school through normal measures
ThatGirl has said what I was
ThatGirl has said what I was about to say to you. However, and while I agree sometimes disengaging is the only way to keep your sanity, my personal feeling it is also the first step in disengaging from your partner as well, but as I said, it is often all you can do other than get up and leave. So, I guess in my mind it is the last resort. I didn't disengage per say, I finally after 8 years banned my 29 year old sd from my home for exactly the same behaviours plus some, as the older they get the more controlling they become. That has not made my husband a happy camper, but he was never supportive and he allowed her to treat me his wife in a way I would never allow my children to treat mass murderers.
Your wife needs to parent her child both you and your wife need to decide what is and what is not acceptable behaviour in your home (yours and your wife's) it is not just your wife's home, you both need to set boundaries, and you both especially your wife must be consistant and SD needs to see you both presenting a united front.
Right now mum is afraid daughter will leave, but if things don't change you will not be able to put up with this forever and you will be the one to leave, so, for the sake of your marriage at least know you tried lay it on the table with your with, get some counselling if need be and give it your best shot. If your wife refuses to acknowledge your feelings and support you well at least you know you tried.
Your wife is also not preparing her daughter for the real world where people will have expectations of her, where people will say no to her, and where she will not be adored and allowed to have everything her own way. That is very unfair to her daughter. Daughter will be left time and time again and be hurt terribly if mum doesnt' step up and show a better example of how relationships work. Mum is showing no respect for you and daughter is learning that is how you treat men. SD is also not learning good parenting skills. Best of Luck.
In my experience, you are
In my experience, you are right in saying disengaging from Skid (in my case fulltime SD, nearly 16) leads to disengagement with your partner/husband/wife.
After months and months of guilty dad and disneyland mum, I finally decided that for me, I had to disengage. I am polite to SD and speak to her (when required in a friendly tone of voice). My biggest fear since she came to live with us fulltime (4 years ago) is that she she would say to her father that she didn't want to live with us because of me. No brainer, that equals losing him.
It happened about 5 months ago. I caught her out, doing the wrong thing on several occasions. I brought it to her father's attention. Trying to keep a long story short, she said to him that she wanted to go and live with her mother. It was her mother's decision in the first place for her to live with us.
Since then, SO has been on SD's defense at the mere thought that she could/would or do anything wrong, or even anything right (ie: help around the house). So now, I say good morning, hello after school and good night in a friendly tone of voice. She can't accuse me of being mean to her.
She is stll doing the wrong thing (ie: on websites she knows she is not allowed to be on)and BM & BD don't know this. I have been the one to catch her out on all this stuff beforeand and she has managed to wriggle her way out of it. So now, I am working on the principle that she will trip herself up and her mother and her father will get it eventually.
SO seems to also be disengaging from me, because of my disengagement from her. All the other times, she manages to come up with an "acceptable excuse", there is limited discipline on her father's behalf. Her mother, from a long distance may yell at her on the phone and the next day, mother feels bad/guilty. I, on the other hand feel like I have to be quiet even though I have to live with her.
I am at the point of calling her bluff, just saying to her that I know she is doing the wrong thing. That way, if she wants to go screaming to mum or dad, she will have to tell them what she is doing, or shut the F up. AArrrgghhh!
Old Dart, We FINALLY agree on
Old Dart,
We FINALLY agree on something!!! Well put!! Getting hooked up with a "friend-daddy" (aka guilty-disney-doormat daddy) or a "friend-mommy" instead of a PARENT-daddy or PARENT-mommy is a no win situation.
**REMEMBER: Friends don't let
**REMEMBER: Friends don't let Friends become Stepparents!**
LOL!! LOVE this! I told my counselor that if I knew how tough being a step-parent was, it might have been a deal breaker. I love my husband very much but dear lord is his 13yo daughter difficult.
Don't give up - 60 is young. I just got married this year and I am 50.
My DH was a friend daddy and
My DH was a friend daddy and provided his SD15 (14 then) with a $100/week allowance for doing nothing. Great starting point! Believe it or not we have made massive progress in our house. Just saying it can be the loneliest and worst role on the universe, partner to a permissive parent, but if you love your partner massively (that is the key question) and they respect you then you can both adapt and the child/ren can learn some basic life skills and respect and discipline. Believe me I tried to throw the towel in but it turned out we loved eachother too much to do that. Good luck! ps disengage, disengage, disengage. Stop being the scapegoat. Go out! Relax. Get a massage. Play sport. Turn a blind eye. You did not create this problem. It is not your job to fix it.
I am new to this forum, I see
I am new to this forum, I see the word disengage quit a bit, what exactly does it mean? When I posted today it was the first time I have expressed these feelings (other than my wife.) I have been holding them in because I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Its starting to feel like a cancer eating away at me. I love my wife very much
but actually feel happier when I am here alone. I hate that because not only do I love her but she is my best friend.
"I have become so frustrated
"I have become so frustrated that I am the disciplinary person in the household and often feel like the bad guy because I am the only one who enforces the rules."
To me, disengaging means not caring more about the skids character and behavior than the bio parents; therefore, relinquishing the "enforcer" position, at least the majority of it. You may find that when you play the enforcer, your wife will pull back from being an enforcer to avoid being seen in a negative light by her BD. She may or may not even be aware that she is doing this.
Does part of your frustration stem from feeling like you care more about their (skids) character?
Thanks for the help! I am
Thanks for the help! I am glad to see i am not alone, I have been questioning my self for not really liking my SD. It felt good to finally admit it to someone other than myself. I dont have anybody to talk to about it so its been building.
I have experienced exactly
I have experienced exactly what u have. my husband is afraid of upsetting his two daughters. one lives with us. They have been raised as princesses. I don't really like them, there is so much drama. They spend two hours in the bathroom making themseves beautiful. They have never lifted a finger around the house. My children are down to earth, in university and have been told the basic truth about life: you must work hard and you are no more special than the next person. Is there a cure for inconsiderate self absorbancy? anyone have ideas????
This is so familiar. My DH
This is so familiar. My DH has been more of friend-dad to his kids, which I would not have expected. We've been together for 7+ years and he has paid the price for some of the early decisions.
Seeing some of the poor decisions SS18 has made has opened his eyes.