NYS resident.....14 yo SD wants to be "friends" with an 18 yo boy. Halp.
Hello to everyone on ST.org!! I've been a lurker forever. 
Every one of you has impacted me in a....very specific way. I am desperate for help/input on this one - as the innocent bystander. Thank you in advance for your input! Background:
DH and I got officially married in June of this year. (Yay!) Bought a house, moved, the whole ruckus. Two kids, SS 11 and SD 14. Both are awesome kids - and we have a bit of a case of.... isolated utopia here. When DH and I are running the home, things are awesome. We are sort of boring, but I tell you what....stuff is together. I am the daughter of a NYS Trooper, I work in HR (I'm sorry!) and he is a retired, disabled Air Force Security Forces/Cop. Order and routine. BM....not so lucky. Single parent, a bit of a loose cannon. Another time, another post. The woman is off her rocker. I've been in the kids' lives since SD was 10 and SS was 8.
I've been with these kids for four years now. (Ref: I am 33, he is 40) We live in NY.
My SD is an incredibly sweet, sensitive young woman. She's into music and the arts, very good at drawing and music, and thankfully is DYING to be productive and join the workforce. She and her Mom don't get along so well. SD and I get along swimmingly, and of course her mother thinks I am the Anti-Christ. She will pop off with some very disparaging things about us when she and her daughter get into an argument. I have simply disengaged, because it's borderline entertaining to watch BM flap her trap about my husband and I....and watch the kids shut her down.
Anyway. The question:
SD was granted a FB account (I KNOW....cringe.) when she turned 14 this past September. In 3...2....1....trouble! Yeah. Mom has access to her FB as she used her email address - DH and I control the cell phone. BM found a message that involved SD inviting a boy over "to hang out" on their half day. Clarification on why this is an issue for her: SD is at BM's house before school and after school until DH can pick her up when the day is done. We leave SUPER early and can sometimes end up running late. (Both work in the same industry.) Aaaaaaand the catch: SD has always told me that the boy in question was 16. Yeah, no. He's 18, and a Senior at the school. OHHHHH nope. FFWD to this evening....
SD is all offended that BM checked her FB. (This was a clearly stated condition of her having said such account) Says BM needs to "trust her" and that this boy won't do anything sexual....that they're just friends. (Get this...) "He wants to wait until marriage...." Ohhhhh ladies and gentlemen, let's all facepalm TOGETHER. She's pretty emphatic about it. We all know there's no way to force experience/logic down a 14 YO girl's throat. MY NUMBER ONE CONCERN HERE: We have a caseworker and a counselor ON HAND, DH and BM and Myself all are on the same page here. Hell. No....
Problem though. Even if the administration at the school listens to our concerns, even IF we were successful in reaching out to the boy's parents (also unlikely), we have to rely on a decent communication from SD to arrest this POS. Which is precisely what will happen to him, should he lay a finger on her.
Anybody dealt with this before? Particularly in NY? I just want to make sure everyone is covered here. My proposed plan is to contact school administrators about our discovery (IN WRITING), hopefully resulting in a meeting with HIS parents, second, to notify the local PD that we've made it clear to all involved this is NOT ok by the bio-parents, and then I don't know. I can't imagine being held up for this....but Lordy I am PISSED.
Help?
I have not been in this
I have not been in this position but I do not envy you and I say do whatever you need to do.
I dread the day my niece reaches this stage. My husband will be at her house with a stun gun for the dumb bastard!
I was a school principal for
I was a school principal for quite some time and have dealt with this more times than I want to count. There are a couple of things that I can tell you. The school, if you talk to the righter person, can facilitate a meeting between the two families and allow you to use their space, but they do not have to and they absolutely will not give you the other family's contact information for privacy reasons.
You need to get a screen shot of the FB page in question. If it talks about visiting during off hours, there is very little in terms of consequences that any school or the police can do. If it refers to sexual acts, there can be both school and police intervention immediately - but only if you provide the proof.
When it comes to issues involving "over-age" kids, they have to have done something in order to intervene. However, if the high school has a sympathetic police liaison, they would likely be willing to talk to the student in question for you, just to put the fear of God into them.
Again, if you don't have proof of the FB page, and it doesn't explicitly refer to what sexual acts have taken place, schools and police forces have their hands full - at least that is the case in Chicago and most larger cases nationwide that have hit the media.
Sorry...
The legal age of consent in
The legal age of consent in NY is 17. This 18 year old man sounds like he's looking to be charged with statutory rape and be on the sex offender registry for the rest of his life. No adult male wants to be "friends" with a 14 year old girl.
BM should have shut up about
BM should have shut up about the info and told DH to "hang out" with SD on her day off, and Surprise!!!! the new BC with a shot gun. That's how my Daddy did it. At this point, there is no more FB- she lost all "trust" and she gets a nanny for her days off, since she is acting like a child, because a "woman" that is ready to date, doesn't sneak around... Be strong, she is very much a child. If BF shows up, he gets in the sex offender list. Call the cops. He knows what's up. She doesn't. That's why laws are in place. My boys at 7 know that they are Never to touch any girl younger than they are, and 17 is the age limit for sex.
I meant "the new BF", not BC
I meant "the new BF", not BC
You guys are fantastic, thank
You guys are fantastic, thank you all for your replies. To clarify a bit:
We DO know who this lovely lad is (he came up in conversation regularly), we just didn't know he was 18. Best part, one of SD's "friends" just had her "boyfriend" locked up because....OOPS! He was 22. So yeah, um, NOT going to happen with us. We don't know the status of parents and what his life looks like.
We have already taken full on shut down measures with both the phone (currently locked up in our room and passcode changed) and the stupid FB account. Mom locked her out and changed the password. She has zero access to the internet (on our watch, anyway) that is not locked, restricted, and heavily monitored. I dabbled in IT a few years back, and everything from WiFi to consoles and all in between are tied down.
My number one concern, (DH is still learning a bit!) is to protect OURSELVES and SD, making sure we take accountable steps to make it clear that we "warned" this young man appropriately if things have to escalate. Screenshots have been taken and saved, I'm just a little iffy about contacting the kid directly via FB or text, although my inner HR/cop's wife says hey, he's 18, and you warned him..... It's just so mentally difficult to think of this jackass as an adult. Plus, parents are so STRANGE nowadays, I don't want some psychotic mother or father knocking on anyone's door saying we spoke out of turn to their special snowflake, and how dare we, etc. etc.
DH and I are also exploring a cooperative effort to implement surveillance in BM's home. It's tough because she is about 1000ft from the High School. BM is an R.N. and works hours as ridiculous as ours. (We're talking 6AM - 5PM or later most days.)
Further, she is the only one with family in this area, and she has managed to estrange herself from nearly all of them through her choices. In NY SD is aged out of daycare, so that's out. On the upside, we do get along very well with law enforcement locally and on a state level. I have little doubt we could have a sit-down....I just wanted to take the "easier" road first, if there was an option.
My initial instincts are to come down like a sack of potatoes on this kid. DH and I are VERY comfortable with firearms (LOL!) and every bone in my body wants to scare the TAR out of him. Problem is, I was 14 once too, and y'all are SPOT ON....attempts at workarounds, sneaking, lying and manipulation are to be expected.
The only reason I wish to involve the school is because they will have the same level of contact on school grounds as they did before this little "incident". I am hoping to make it clear to the administration that (whether they do anything about it or not, they are on notice should things escalate...) NONE of the adults involved are ok with their relationship.
So yeah, just not sure how much force would be appropriate in responding. Thanks to you all again for your experience and input.
P.S. - Showed DH your responses - he knew I surfed the site but I think your replies really sunk in for him that he and WE are not the only ones. He tends to be rather hard on himself!
Daddy can send the kid a
Daddy can send the kid a message via the kids Facebook telling the boy that should he touch his daughter in an inappropriate way he will end up in jail. Simultaneously this will demonstrate to the boy that the account is being monitored.
AND frankly I think that "since her periods are irregular" she should go on The Pill or better yet the one they implant under the skin that lasts 4 or 5 years.
I'm going to state the
I'm going to state the obvious...if this SD is 14 and wanting to invite males over on 12/dys and/or afterschool, it can be just as 'oh no' if the male is 16 as if he is 18 in the thick of things. Yes, the 18yr old is legally of adult age, but the 16yr old can perform every bit of 'trouble' that the 18yr old physically can.
IMO you need to focus on the 'no boys in the home', period. You all I think would be surprised as to how many school friends there are between freshman and seniors (which is basically the situation in this OP). Some of these kids have classes together, lunch hour together, lockers stand side by side (not to mention football games on Friday night ect). The freshman aka 14yrs and the seniors aka 18yr olds, socialize at school...this is not a breaking newsflash.
BM and you/Dad are going to have to be on the same page to nip this girl's behavior in the bud. No males in house, no getting in cars with males regardless if 16 or 18 blah blah blah...if you all can't trust this girl than you all will have to come up with ways to make sure the girl is well supervised during the questionable hours. If she's 14 going on 20 you're going to have to treat her like she's 10. If you have to hire a nanny to 'guard' the kid, so be it. This particular male is 18 but the next one may only be 16 or 17...Dad can't threatened to arrest and shoot every male that glances his daughters way and you all can't expect the school to babysit the SD all day during school hours.