Out of control step daughter
I remarried about four-and-a-half years ago and inherited two step daughters; only one of these lives in our home (a sixteen-year-old). I have two daughters of my own; only one lives in our home (a twenty-year-old). My daughters didn't have any difficulty accepting that their parents were no longer together and that had I moved on, and they accepted their step father with open arms; on the other hand, my step daughters have had much difficulty accepting that their parents are no longer together and that their father had moved on...especially the sixteen-year-old (let's refer to her as 'Jane').
Jane was twelve-years-old when her father and I married. For several years, Jane just had a 'smart' mouth and was very negative. And I do mean that everything that came out of her mouth was unpleasant; she didn't (and still doesn't) have a filter and said whatever came to her mind...no matter how hurtul it could be. She would have 'melt downs' often and she and her father would really go at it...verbally. During these 'melt downs', she would pretty much make it clear that she wanted things the way that they used to be. Unfortunately, my husband never had any consequences for her behavior. In fact, sometimes he (and her sister) thought some of the things that came out of her mouth was 'cute.'
Her father and mother have never had a visitation agreement; he has custody, and it has been at his discretion as to when she can visit her mother. Well, Jane would see her mother when Jane wanted to see her mother...and never once got her father's approval. When she wanted to visit with her mother for a few hours (over night visits were rare), she would just call her mother up, ask to be picked up, and then inform her father. Sometimes she would just walk out the door without even telling him where she was going.
Well, it's four-and-a-half years later, and Jane's behavior has not gotten any better
Well, I don't even need to
Well, I don't even need to read the rest to know your DH is the problem here. He calls her bad behavior "cute" and lets her do whatever she wants.
Your H is the problem here,
Your H is the problem here, not shutting his disrespectful no filter havin' daughter with absolutely no consequences. He's not parenting well and allowing her to say and do what she pleases has given her so much power that she feels she can do whatever. He has failed her in a major way and now here you are dealing with the constant BS.
So unless your H changes his lack of parenting skills and puts his foot in her @ss this will be your life for the duration of your marriage with him. Also, please know the older she gets the worse this will be. She will only ramp it up and test the waters to see what dear ole dad will allow her to get away with.
Oops! I thought I could save
Oops! I thought I could save and come back to this. I definately was not through! So where was I? Oh...it's four-and-a-half years later, and Jane's behavior has not gotten better. So she got to the point where she would cuss at her father, and it was nothing for her to just call him a 'dumb a--' in a conversation (unfortunately still no consistent and appropriate consequences). Last school year (at the age of 15), she started hanging around this older boy (he was probably seventeen at the time and a senior). Jane's mother texted her father at the very beginning of the school year and told him that she thought Jane was sleeping with this boy and that she also thought he was giving her drugs. I do know that at some point in the year, there was a random drug sweep at her school and the drug dogs 'zoomed in' on her book bag. There was nothing in there at that time, but her father did rummage through her bedroom and found something in her stuff. Let's fast forward to this school year. Her father bought her a car this past summer...her 'colorful language has only gotten worse (she hurls the "F" bomb at will)...she is still 'seeing' this guy...she got her license in October and and spends all of her time at this guy's residence (he is living with a friend and his friend's mother)...this guy does not have a license or a car...this guy has gotten into trouble with the law for credit card fraud...this guy has almost been brought up on charges for sleeping with another sixteen-year-old...Jane's father has told her that he does not want this guy at our home...Jane has brought him over anyway when no one else has been home (according to a GPS app that is on our phones). And to top things off, this past Sunday night, Jane snuck this guy in the house when we had gone to bed, and the next day, her father comes home from work unexpectedly and finds this guy in her closet. Needless to say, her father was livid. He took the guy home (after cussing him up one side and down the other) and got a no trespassing order. The only consequence that Jane received was two days without her car. And she has the nerve to call her father last night from work to beg him to sign something stating that it is ok for her to see this guy (I believe that it is against the law in VA for him to 'mess with' a sixteen-year-old).
I have always bitten my tongue when it comes to my step daughter's behavior. Once my husband told me that he had slapped his eldest daughter when she told him to "fu-- off". And just look at his youngest daughter!!! I know that he has held back from disciplining her because he didn't want her to want to go live with her mother and have to pay child support. So we've had to put up with it. Now, (still underage) he tells her that she can go live with her mother or grandmother but she would have to leave her car. What teenager is going to want to give up her car?!
I am so frustrated that I do not know what to do. My husband will not discipline this monster that he has created!!! What should I do?!
If your H refuses to
If your H refuses to discipline this Gremlin and you no longer want to deal with it my only suggestion would be to leave. Clearly he's not going to change and he has shown you this time and time again. How can you even respect him for allowing his daughter to blatanly disrespect you both like this? He's doing all this so not to pay child support and because he fears losing her?!? So every move he makes is based on fear on how his daughter will react and treat him....that's just crazy and no way to live.
How do you allow yourself to continue in this relationship?
I know what you are going
I know what you are going through! I don't think this situation is going to get better. Unfortunately, he has allowed this behavior for so long and she thinks it ok.
Don't bother to hold your
Don't bother to hold your breath if you're waiting for her to graudate and miraculously move out the house. She's not going to launch anytime soon and your H is to blame for allowing her nonsense. What are her consequences of allowing this "credit fraud pedophile" into your home? Are their other children there?
This is supposed to be your safe haven, your sacred space and she's bringing these type of characters into YOUR home. Honey you need to put your foot down because this right here is NOT acceptable.