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SD has resented me for years

Fullmoon's picture

I don't know what to make to this 

SD and I barely associate with each other . I mean there's minimal interaction but that's all. I'm on edge when she's around and she rather prefers if BS and I don't associate with her at all. How she is with me is an complete 180 from how she with others. From teachers to friends to family to random adults, she's warm but with  me she's very ice like.

Compared to what I've read about other SD's here, she's the polar oppsite: honors student, involved with extracurricular activites, has a social live, not entilited, works part time, respectful/kind (to anyone whose not me). 

I've always known she does not like me but now she's openly starting to show it:

  • A close friend of DH said he has a beautiful family and she jumped and corrected him and asked if they not refer to us as a family and that I'm not her mother and BS isn't her brother and requested them to never make that assumption again. I'm not trying to replace BM and will never try but BS is her half sibling. DH did talk to her in private and she wasn't punished. DH did say he can't punish her for simply stating her opinion (which was her defence).
  • Her interactions with BS. She's turning 16 in a few weeks and BS is 4. Yes, the age difference probaly plays a factor . She's not rude or violent towards BS.  She's indifferent. Most of the time, she'll ask BS to either find myself or DH. She also refuses to badysit BS. Now I'm not saying we're demanding she looks after BS but rather supervise him on the rare occation. She told DH that he's not her responsibilty and he has 2 parents that are responsible for him. What I find interesting is that she'll glady babysit ANYONE else. I mean people actually recommended her. 
  • She'll glady DH and show him affection. I'm not asking for her to love me or anything. Just basic respect but I get noting but one word answers (Hello. Goodbye etc).
  • While bringing groceries from the car, I fell and I know she saw me. Instead of coming out to see if I was okay, she just walked away.

BM is also not like other BMs I've read about on here. She's wealthy but doesn't spoil SD. She is raising SD to be independent. SD has a good work ethnic  She understands right from wrong. BM has always made time for SD. DH is actually is far less strict with SD than BM  is and SD loves and respects both of BM and DH. She's doesn't cause problems. Since the whole me calling SD a b*tch while venting to my friend fiasco, she's settled down.

DH finally has opened his eyes somewhat and put SD in therapy. He did discuss with BM  about the situation and she told him that anything that happens inside our home isn't her problem. She won't bring up anything with SD about what occurs in our home. Since SD isnt behaving like herself in our home, then the issue is inside our home.  

The circumstances in which SD and I met wasn't ideal. DH and I weren't supposed to be more than FWB but I ended up getting pregnant. We decided to keep it and wanted to work this out. I met SD  the same year DH and BM divorce was finalized. It was either that or wait until I was very pregnant. We had to pick the lesser of the two evils and I can sympathize with her and understand  her resentment. I never tried to come between DH and her. When she would come over, I made myself scarce so she could have DH to herself. For a time, she was very quiet even with DH. It wasn't until I went through a miscarriage that SD started to behave like her normal self again. She was all warm and fuzzy to DH and developed a coldness towards me.

DH stopped discussing their sessions with me when SD said she just would walk away if I got hit by a bus. She explained to DH that she  only comes to spend time with him. Not me or BS and we're not a family and she doesn't need nor want a relationship with us. Their therapist is saying this is years of resentment that is starting to come out. Their sessions are essentially her venting and DH aborbing it all . His defensiveness of SD is at a all time high. She loves her father  dearly that much is certain and he knows that but I find it incredibly difficult to be around her when she carries so much animosity towards me and blatant disrespect. DH thinks we should just continue  to ignore each others existence. DH thinks she's not outwardly being disrespectful and therefore, he can't give her consequences. I disagree but he's made it perfectly clear that I have no say in anything when it comes to his darling DD. 









futurobrillante99's picture

Your SD has misplaced her anger. She should be angry with her father and mother for the demise of their marriage and her family. You are the convenient scapegoat for her anger because it's easier for her to be mad at you and make you the villain than to place the blame where it belongs: on her father and mother.

I wouldn't tolerate her rudeness and your husband is enabling this crap behavior. You are being used a foil for both of them to share a common enemy. Make no mistake, your husband is ALLOWING this most likely because it takes the heat off of him.


Jcksjj's picture

The first thing I have to comment on is that she wasnt punished for "stating her opinion." She wasn't just stating her opinion and I'm sure all of you including DH know that, even if he didnt want to admit it. She was being rude.

Other than that, I would say give it up. Shes made up her mind on not accepting you and it's unlikely it will change. Disengage and focus on the rest of your life and be just as indifferent to her as she is to you. 

shamds's picture

But the reality is she doesn’t. You are his wife or life partner now, mother of his child and his equal and she openly treats you like shit and basically has said she hopes you get hit by a bus so she won’t have to deal with you ever again

last year hubby told off ss20 how he behaved and not acknowledging me or our 2 kids (his half siblings at home) was a real strain on the household harmony.

ss had the nerve to say he did nothing wrong, referring to himself in 3rd person claiming person isn’t wrong, person knows person doesn’t acknowledge stepmum and half siblig but person isn’t wrong. Hubby was scratching his head at that hypocrisy and called ss out on his bullshit. Ss justified his treatment of us claiming i am a stranger. Hubby straight out said i am his wife and mother to 2 of his kids and ss claimed he was stressed (his manipulative ploy to shut hubby down), hubby sent screenshots of the messages to ss and simply said I can’t do this anymore, its so stressful and so much drama addressing ss issues. My response was and you still brought me and 2 kids into this mess and never addressed it from day 1.

ss even in late 2018 told hubby do you want me to run away from home in response to hubby telling him he needed to be respectful and acknowledge us.  I laughed at that one because he had no job. He seriously thought he’d run away from home and demand money from hubby for rent and ongoing expenses as a 20yr old. Him threatening to run away from hubby from having to be decent was him telling hubby to choose between me and ss. I told hubby i felt that our marriage would not survive like this and he needed to make a choice whether we divorce or he man the eff up and sort out his kids. I told him i had disengaged, hubby understood completely and he can’t blame me with the way his kids treat us all including hubby... its just toxic

Harry's picture

SD blame you for all the problems of the world.  It's not going to get better.  She has disengage from you, doesn't care if you live or died.  So you must disengage from her.  Do nothing for her.  But your DH must not let her disrespect you and your home.

advice.only2's picture

Jebus is the child's name Damien? Does she go into the cornfield at night and meet with all the other little psychopaths?

Your DH is enabling her resentment towards you and is actually encouraging it under the guise of "well this is how she feels!" Um no they need to be getting to the root of why she feels that way, not just skimming the surface.

If I had a kid tell a therapist and my spouse that they would be perfectly okay if I got hit by a bus I would be asking my DH why they thought this was acceptable!

shamds's picture

because sd is a budding psychopath.

i mean she hopes you got hit by a bus, whats not to say if you have kids and she plays nice nice takes your kid(s) out and throws them in front of a bus or tells them to last minute walk in front of one... I would not be comfortable living in the same home.

Dovina's picture

Period.!!!! So what she is pleasant to everyone else. You are daddeees wife, and your son is her half sibling. Resentment or not, you do not get a pass on being rude. Saying "this is her opinion" is giving her a pass !!!

Saying if a bus hit you she would walk away, hell NO, that is callous and cold.

DH needs to correct this little B*TCH  and lay ground rules on how she is to treat you and your son. If it was reversed and you said "if SD gets hit by a bus I'd walk away" wonder how that would work out for you!!  Would your DH defend you and say thats just your SM's opinion. You would be packing your bags, the horror!!!

I wouldnt let Miss Ice Cold Veins in my home until an attitude adjustment. Be thankful she doesnt babysit DS. He certainly does not need someone around him , especially a half sister, who couldnt care less about him.


Jcksjj's picture

Shes probably only surface level pleasant. I'm sure she had close friends or boyfriends etc shes also icy to.

ESMOD's picture

While her father had an equal hand in having an affair with you and getting you pregnant, clearly she sees YOU as the reason why her parents broke up.  She is supressing her father's part in it.. but she sees you as the homewrecker and your son is the product of that affair.  

I guess in some ways you might be lucky that all you and your BS get are indifference due to the way your relationship started.

I'm not trying to get all pearl clutchy on you.. but if you were having an affair with a married man.. you did have to know that wasn't moral highground for you... and, it would be awfully difficult for me to be in her position seeing you on a regular basis... and knowing that your son was the big driver in the wedge in her parent's relationship.

Yeah.. Yeah.. I know that they probably had issues.. that may be why he was in that kind of a FWB situation with you.. but from her perspective.. I think it would be exceptional to expect her to be warm to you.  I do think it's unfair to ice your son.. but again... she obviously is carrying around a lot of resentment.

Was she ever given the chance to see a counselor to work through any of this?

tog redux's picture

Well, she's not obligated to like you or BS, but DH shouldn't allow her to be rude to you. One word answers are fine, but her outburst in public about how you aren't a family is unacceptable.

BM is correct that what happens in your home is not her problem. My guess is that SD (and probably BM) are not happy that DH moved on so quickly and started a new family, and you are to blame for that (in their eyes).

Just find other things to do when she is there, and don't do anything other than say hello or goodbye to her. 

CLove's picture

Its not clear, so perhaps you can clarify for me - did you and DH have an affair while he was still married or were they separated?

Her being rude is definitely becuase she is hurting over the divorce, but her being hurt is no excuse to be rude.

Do not do anything for her in attempts to get into her good graces. She will go even further to ice you out if you have a reaction.

GoingWicked's picture

You really need to let it go.  There is absolutely nothing you can do as a SM other than not put yourself or your son in a position to be abused by her.  It sounds like her dad is doing his job, taking her to therapy, and he really shouldn't be sharing their therapy sessions with you.  That just sounds like a bad combination of breaching her privacy and further stirring the pot.  Other than that I think you need to practice some empathy, how would you like to live with someone that helped break up your parents' marriage? Would you stop loving your son because he didn't like your choice of spouse?  Would you expect him to embrace the other woman as family if your DH cheats on you?