Problems with SD17 is causing problems in my marriage
I have a SD17 who is a spoiled, ungrateful, entiled brat. It has taken me over a year and a half to disengage and it feels so good. It happened so naturally for me because I got so fed up and DONE that I really just don't care anymore. I've stopped doing everything for her. My complete disengagement started with her complaint that the reason she ate out 28 times in the month of February is because there isn't anything to eat in the house and I haven't been cooking lately (she rufes to take any responsibility and everything is someone elses fault). I can't tell you how much wasted food we've had because nothing is ever good enough for her. I responded that I'm not her parent, so therefore I will not be cooking or shopping for her any longer. She needs to see her Dad for anything parenting related from now on. I just pretend like she is not even here. She has become invisible to me. This in turn has caused problems in my marriage. Now I'm just a cold hearted bitch. My husband defends her and actually buys into her excuses. She can pretty much do no wrong in his eyes. He feels my expectations are too high and I will never be pleased. Because she goes to school and is in sports, doesn't do drugs, and is basically a good kid, my husband feels that is all that should be expected out of her. My expectations are that she pick up after herself, keep her bathroom clean, agree to do and actually DO 1 family chore a week, not leave any dirty dishes upstairs, that she clean up after herself in the kitchen and either wash her own dishes or put them in the dishwasher, and finally to be responsible in turning off lights and tv's. Any complaint I have are about the above or her disrespectful attitude. According to him, that is too harsh and I'm being unreasonable. Her room is a pigsty that you can't even walk in. I now put leftovers into containers I save from grocey items (like sour cream) because she takes my containers to school and never returns them. This way she can throw those containers away at school and not take my good containers where they get left in her car or left on the floor at home (where the dog chews them up). She actually has old, dirty food containers under her bed! Her dad actually defended her last night during a fight we were having by saying she had actually made an attempt to clean her room by washing some of the clothes that were on the floor. She nickles and dimes him for money all the time. In the month of February, he deposited $195 in her account for gas and eating out. We sat down with her and gave her a $140 monthly budget so we could reign her in. Any concessions he makes for me is done just to pacify me because in the past two months, she has spent that money and just says "Dad, I need gas money" and she gets more money. The agreement was she would be given that money, but when she ran out she needed to earn any additional.
Before she moved from her mother's (where she complained about her mother and fought with her all the time) to live with us, she and I got along great and had a very good relationship. She would confide in me about the troubles she dealt with at home (now I see that she is a good manipulator and will make someone else look bad to get sympathy or her way). We talked at length about how we could help her and what would be expected of her if she moved here. She was very agreeable to all of it. Her room shares a bath with the guest room and she agreed that she would keep it clean on a weekly basis and clean it on a moments notice if we had unexpected company. The last time she was asked to clean the bathroom for company (in March), it made her very angry. She stomped around, was very disrespectful, and basically threw a 5 year old tantrum. While acting that way, she did a very half-assed job (not picking up shampoo bottles and cleaning the black moldy circle underneath, nor removing the multitude of products off the counter to clean under them). I've learned not to say anything and just go back and re-do the job myself because she just turns it around and accuses me of being a perfectionist and she can never please me. Pul-eeze! Out of 20 chores she could do, I could praise 15 of them and get her to fix an issue on 2 and she would actually accuse me of constantly finding fault in her. Her Dad actually had the nerve to agree! When did doing a half-assed job become acceptable? When did being disrespectful and acting like a 5 year old because you are mad that you have to clean your bathroom become acceptable? Am I wrong to be disappointed and to feel let down by my husband? I feel he should step in and not allow her to treat anyone like that. I feel that she should be told her behavior is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated. She should be given consequences and when she doesn't follow through she should receive a punishment that fits her age (car/phone).
SD has also been given adult status in our home, which has become a problem for me. My husband feels guilty if we go out to eat and don't invite her (she comes 85% of the tme). He feels so bad that he thinks we ought to get a to go meal for her when there is food at home. One night we came home from our marriage counseling and we had eaten out on the way home without her. She was pissed. She was mad we ate out and that she was expected to eat at home. She jumped in her car and left. The next thing you know, she is returning with McDonald's. One night, we were going out with some friends of mine and when SD heard we were going to a place she likes she wanted to come. We had to stop by the coffee shop where she was hanging out with friends so she could join in on our adult night.
The new way to parent is to encourage a sense of entitlement, I guess. How do you disengage and make yourself not care and stop trying to control things that also affect YOU and how YOU live? I've tried very hard to stop commenting on how he parents, but it is so hard not to. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum. It affects our relationship and how I feel about him. I'm so disgusted with the way he parents that I've lost respect for him. He is a Director of Propert Management and if he managed his employees the way he parents his daughter, he would be fired. We are both at the point of firing each other because we disagree so vehemently with each other. It also doesn't help that SD whines to Dad about me and tries to make me look bad. I'm horrible because after telling her for the millionth time not to leave her closet light on all day (or all the others she constantly leaves on), I took her light bulbs out. I figured she would be a big girl and put two and two together, go get more light bulbs from the laundry room and put them back in herself. If you have to do that as a result of leaving them on then it may help you to remember. He yelled at me last night about doing that and accused me of being cold- just like my Dad. He has accused his ex-wife of the same so I suggested I must be just like her too. It got pretty dirty and there were things said that have damaged our marriage to the point of no return.
Have any if you been in a similar situation and been able to make your marriage work? I waited a long time to get married (40 yrs) and don't want to throw away a marriage if this is a 3 year ebb to the flow of a marriage.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long post!
I read your first line and
I read your first line and thought, "Who doesn't??"
Well, to be honest, tjlo, you
Well, to be honest, tjlo, you don't really sound all that disengaged. I know this stuff is really annoying, but you are giving this kid a lot of power. If it's at the point where it's endangering your marriage, I do think something radical has to change, and you're the only person that you can control. You can certainly have opinions about what DH "should" do, or SD "should" do, but that's all they are -- opinions. You cannot make either one of them do those "shoulds", and meanwhile you are spending a lot of emotional energy dwelling on the ways things should be, rather than the way they are.
Good to hear that you are in counseling, I think that's important. I'd suggest, honestly? Take a month off. Quit looking in her room, or the guest bath. Don't have anyone over. Don't worry about the light bulbs -- if the electric bill goes thru the roof, then that's a piece of info you can share with DH. But I think this constant struggle for control with a 17-year old is not getting you anywhere, so just give up. Disengage a little more?
Just my thoughts!
I didn't really think about
I didn't really think about disengaging to the point that I have to overlook my own happiness in my own home. I'll have to think about that and do some soul searching to see if it is something I can do.
"He wants to be her hero, not
"He wants to be her hero, not her father."
OMG, this is so deeply true.
What does one do about the DH who wants to perpetuate the engagement once one is out of it? I find this incredibly difficult and will be watching your thread in support of you.
hugs
He feels he is caught in the
He feels he is caught in the middle. Either I'm happy and she's unhappy or I'm unhappy and she's happy. Interesting way to look at it though- when he does that he is priortizing her before our marriage. I just don't understand why what I'm expecting is unreasonable enough that it pains him to see her upset by it.
Sorry to post twice- not sure
Sorry to post twice- not sure how that happened. Thanks for the advice!
But it's not our JOB to make
But it's not our JOB to make our kids happy! It's our JOB to turn decent people out on to the rest of society! He is setting her up for faliure- certainly not doing her any favors. Have you told him this?
Yes, I have. He has
Yes, I have. He has justified his expectations of her by talking with a friend of his with teens. Apparently the new way to parent is to have little expectations from teens these days.
Keep her door closed and
Keep her door closed and continuing disengaging. You can't win this. If you love him and want to stay you have to learn to disengage even further.
If you are going out to
If you are going out to dinner and she insists on going, tell your husband you are staying home, you've lost your appetite. He'll get the hint after a while. No reason she has to go when you go. She's the child -- you are the parents! i've gotten to the point that I've let my house go. The kitchen right now is a frickin mess. Did I do it? no. They did. My Dh eventually does it, and amazingly my SS19 has been doing it. i clean up after myself. I have quit cooking dinners unless my daughter is home. I only clean the house if i absolutely feel like it, and if something needs to be done -- ie cat box -- i tell my DH to tell his daughter that it needs to be done. So I nag him. And yes, my life has been a living hell lately and right now i hate my life. I'm in the process of deciding whether to stay or go, and am giving it a few more months to see what will happen and am doing a lot of praying.
i made the mistake of re-engaging yesterday with my stupid SD17 and that was a Huge mistake! All we did was fight and of course everything is our fault and she is the victim, and poor thing she has to work 1-2 days a week. Rather than sitting on her ass and doing nothing and watching tv and texting all the time. She bitches when she has no job, bitches when she has a job. i really hate this child right now and am praying for help with that too -- because i dislike her so much. Another year and she'll be 18. UGG!
I wish I could just give up
I wish I could just give up on the house like that because I do resent the fact I do almost all of the cleaning, with the exception of one time per month when I have it cleaned professionally. I just can't stand a dirty or cluttery house and wouldn't want to come home anymore. SD turns 18 in November, but sadly will just be starting her senior year. Good luck to you, momof5.
(((hugs))) I totally feel
(((hugs))) I totally feel your pain. It truly sucks to be treated this way in your own home.
It is great that you all work
It is great that you all work to parent together. I think that makes a difference in what a kid learns. Our situation isn't like that unfortunately. SD was able to manipulate me into thinking she had it so bad with her mother. Now she just pulls the same stuff here, only here she gets a car, more freedom, and a Dad who is either lazy or so laid back that little bothers him. So it has worked out great for her. SD is a good person and I think she would show the same type of gumption that you're son did. I can only hope she grows out of this selfishness in doing whatever it takes to get her way- even if it is at the expense of her dad's and my relationship.
Sigh. This saddens me. I've
Sigh. This saddens me. I've got some of my own problems in this crazy stepfamily life, but I thank God that my dh does not believe in creating entitled kids. I cant believe you all gave her a budget of 140.00 a month. IMO that's really excessive. How about she get a J-O-B to pay for her gas? My 14 year old is working this summer. Why on earth is she 17, has a car, and doesnt have to pay for it? Weird. I cant believe she eats out so much. WTF? My 10 year old knows how to make herself a peanut butter sandwich and frozen or microwaveable food. My 14 and 12 year olds can make full on meals by themselves. Even my socially retarded, incredibly immature ss14 can make a meal with a little supervision. I cant imagine my kids WANTING to go out with adults for the evening. Does she have no life?
It is said on here often, but the problem really is your dh. He has created a monster and he refuses to recognize it. The positive here is that she is 17. That means a year before she hopefully goes off and lives her own life. Can you hang in there a year?
I will say, these men can make changes. WE've still got problems in our life-but mostly they are with my actual ss14. However, my dh really, really used to contribute to this by-like your dh having no expectations of his kid, expecting everyone to kiss his ass, and getting pissy when people had enough of his shit and just stayed the heck away from him. With noone else to bear the brunt of ss's manipulations-my dh finally saw the light and had to admit what a boatload of problems this kid has and how he contributed to them. Things are a lot different around my house now. I spent alot of years talking to my dh to try and get him to see the light, spent alot of years disengaged, and about threw in the towel several times-but ss's behavior just got so bad-and since I stayed completely out of it-he had to accept that it was completely ss.
I agree with one of the other posters that you are NOT disengaged enough. I dont know how you handle your money-but somehow make it so he bears the brunt of her leaving the lights on, etc I also would refuse to dine out with her-you dont have to make an issue of not wanting to be around her-but if he pushes it-I would simply say "I was hoping for some couple time" and suggestively raise your eyebrows. If he'd rather spend the evening with her, then fine, but I wouldnt be warming his bed for him later. Let him know that you need love and romance and special times with him-again you never even have to mention her-it's about what YOU need from HIM.
I also wouldnt stop having company, but what i would do is have a trash bag handy, and just dump all her shit in the bag, and hide it under the sink. Throw any of her clothes, towels on her bed, and spray it all with cleaner. You could probably do it in 5 minutes. I wouldnt even ask her to do it anymore. If she doesnt like where you put stuff-just tell her it needed to be cleaned quick, smile real big, and walk off. If dh complains, do the same. We get so upset over these skids, and we have the right to, but I fear that we come off looking like shrews to everyone else sometimes.
Also I would stop buying light bulbs.
I like the way you think!
I like the way you think! Since the last temper tantrum episode, I now clean her bathroom. I bought 2 cute baskets and everything from her counter top goes in them. I go in daily to clean the hair, make-up, and hairspray from the counter tops and wipe everything down. I also throw anything that is on the floor onto the floor of her room.
I've also told Dad that she needs to find something to do this summer because we will not be repeating last year, where she got up at 11 a.m. and proceeded to watch 8 hours of tv. She spent the summer watching the entire seasons of at least 3 tv shows. I was stupid enough to get Netflix. I got rid of that little diversion. HA!
I guess I need to re-read the post on disengagement. I thought by me doing nothing for her was being disengaged. I know I need to work on the part where I disengage with my husband when it comes to her. It is hard when so many issues overlap. It is hard not to get involved when he complains to me about the lack of money, but gives in to SD every time she asks for money (above and beyond the $140 month allowance). That is not fair to me and I will no longer tolerate it. We picked the dog up from doggy daycare and he complains that we don't have the money for it, but yet gives in when SD says she's out of gas when she has already been given $280 this month (she went to FL on spring break). We fought about that last night b/c he is so blind. It isn't even the middle of the month yet and she has gone through $280? I figured 1300 miles (gas would cost $150 and her friend's mother contributed $75) for FL. That leaves $70 for spending money for the week. She was staying with family for free and they were providing some meals. She ran out of money and he had to give her more. Now she's out again. I don't think it is fair to hear him complain about money when he shows such a complete lack of responsibilty in what he gives his daughter. I had to move some money into an account he can't touch because over the space of 6 months, $1,000 was deposited in increments into her student checking account. It is hard when I'm being told to disengage in areas that affect me directly.
I appreciate all of the feedback and will continue to work on this disengagement thing. We'll see what happens...
HMAO has all the advice I
HMAO has all the advice I would give.
I have gone through much of what you have. She challenges my status in my home, with her dad. She is coddled by a guilty father. She is spoiled and a brat. I disengaged. Did nothing for her and actually removed myself from their company. A bit easier for me since she only comes on weekends and extended holiday stays. BUT I can't believe how much it has worked. It took what seemed forever to get the hang of it.
Major changes I made was making SO up his financial contribution to the household. SD wants to waste electricity or food or whatever, then it comes out of HIS pay, not mine. Same with her account and compensating for her lack of planning. If its not your money, just leave it be. I know the frustration BELIEVE ME. But if its not yours and he is still paying his bills, leave it be. Otherwise, you look mean. The goal is to not be the scapegoat.
Another was that I stopped being around dad when daughter was there. She was so challenging of me. Standing right next to him if we are out walking together. He hugs me and she does something to make him pay attention to her. Sitting next to him all the time (taking my seat). It was gross. I attempted to do a tit for tat, but it only escalated. Basically when I stopped caring about the "resource" (daddy) she stopped having something to challenge me with. Then she was stuck. Daddy wasn't as interesting to her either. It was amazing how much it worked for me. If you would have told me ahead of time, I wouldn't have believed you. It did though.
I also no longer speak about her. When he brings her up, I listen in a supportive way. However, I have no opinion no advice. It only made me the bad guy. I never go to him to get him to make her do something. I used to do this. I thought it was more correct for disengaging. It wasn't. It only gave her victim status. It also gave her opportunity to go against my requests even though dad knew what I wanted. So that gave her higher status. Instead, when I have a problem I take it right to her. Very rarely do I have to do this, but when I do she actually does listen to me or she will have hell to pay, from me. I stopped snitching to SO because he didn't want to do anything about it.
As a great side affect, this also gave dad an opportunity to really see SD for what she was. She has been lying to him, she has been disrespectful to him. All while he gives her whatever she wants. Now he is feeling stupid. I say nothing about her dirty room. I just shut the door. A dirty bathroom? I leave for SO to clean it. Hell, I leave everything for him to clean on the weekends. I wash my own dishes and clean up after myself. I don't clean up after skids. SD is the worst- SS earns his way around here by helping out without our asking. SD doesn't do a thing and when she's asked she whines. I say nothing. SO has to clean everything. So if I had a dirty bathroom and guests coming I'd just tell SO "hey we have guests coming. You need to clean up SD's bathroom unless you want the embarrassment when are guests come over" Although, I'm lucky. My SO hates for people to see our home in disarray. Not sure how yours is.
Adult status? Yes ma'am. I took that away from her myself. I was afraid to be confrontational. No more. SD: "Why can't I pick out the new fixtures for the bathroom?" Me: "Because you don't pay the mortgage and you'll be gone in a couple of years. This is MY house for the next 30 years"
Its better to not do it in front of dad because it elicits sympathy.
Another time, SD had her cousin over and no one asked me if it was ok. Just after the fact informs me. They have a habit of sitting in the bathroom together for very long periods and I was in no mood anymore. So, I went to her (no daddy in sight) and said to a 16 year old girl "You aren't playing in the bathroom all weekend. If I need to get in there, I'm coming in and you need to do whatever makeup/hair playing in your own room"
I know this was long winded, but I hope some of my examples help. Also, I hope you feel better knowing you aren't the only one.
I love your avatar! Also have
I love your avatar! Also have read many of your posts (alwaysanxious). Your advice really hit home, as we have a lot in common with our SD's. I need to work on the "no opinion, no advice" to hubby when he brings up SD. Only today he was telling me my brother was giving her yet another used laptop (the first one she complained about how crappy it was while leaving it lying in a chair in her room with clothes thrown on top of it). Makes me LIVID that she has the nerve to complain to me and in front of me about a free laptop that she can't even be appreciative of. Heck, it was only 8 years ago (at the age of 35) that I purchased my first new laptop for myself. I had to pipe up and tell hubby that she needs to make sure she shows appreciation to my brother for his thoughfulness. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. It is difficult with those items pertaining to myself or my family.
As for the dirty bathroom, I was already schemeing about that and thought he would be the perfect solution to the problem. He thinks the problems lie within his daughter and I and can't see that he is a part of the problem. So I will make him a part of the solution. Last month when we had guests, they were his friends so that would have been the perfect opportunity for him to step up to the plate. He definitely wouldn't have wanted them to use a shower that had black rings under the shampoo bottles and such!
The adult status thing is mind boggling to me. Thank god my SD isn't nearly as bad as some others I've read about who actually flirt with their Dad's! I saw it early on, and as I'm not a very jealous person by nature, it didn't really bother me too much. Now it just annoys me because of my dislike for her. I now see it as another form of manipulation.
I'm thrilled you were so long winded and it really helps me know I'm not alone. It is tough to be thought of as a cold *itch by your own spouse!
Thank you! Yes, our SDs sound
Thank you! Yes, our SDs sound very similar. Mine has had an occasion to flirt. Its gross. Nothing really outlandish, but that cutesy voice and hair flipping and the "dad do you like my hair" crap. :sick:
It IS SO HARD to keep our mouths shut. I just keep telling myself, "you're disengaged, let it go." I repeat it over and over until the moment has passed and its too late to say something. It just makes things easier.
Helena, thanks so much for
Helena, thanks so much for your wisdom. This is really profound: "I also no longer speak about her. When he brings her up, I listen in a supportive way. However, I have no opinion no advice. It only made me the bad guy. I never go to him to get him to make her do something. I used to do this. I thought it was more correct for disengaging. It wasn't. It only gave her victim status. It also gave her opportunity to go against my requests even though dad knew what I wanted. So that gave her higher status. Instead, when I have a problem I take it right to her. Very rarely do I have to do this, but when I do she actually does listen to me or she will have hell to pay, from me. I stopped snitching to SO because he didn't want to do anything about it. "
As much as I want to believe
As much as I want to believe that my husband is on my side, I've learned that no matter how good things get I shouldn't revert back to asking him to tell her to do something nor should I confide my feelings about her to him. It always backfires. It just sucks we aren't on the same page and because of this it harms our marriage.
This is so true!
This is so true!
Bahaha. The daughter? Yeah,
Bahaha. The daughter? Yeah, doesn't this all sound familiar
i can't believe he gives her
i can't believe he gives her so much money -- i'd be throwing such a frickin' fit! And be telling my DH that she needed to get a job! i manage the money so my DH doesn't know how much we have. plus I throw huge fits about money as it is -- so he does not give them money unless we discuss it.
I can't believe you go in
I can't believe you go in daily to clean her bathroom!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can we trade step
Can we trade step daughters??? Mine is 14, mentality of a child, abuses kids, animals, older people, & only tried to kill me once. She never wanted me dead though..just wanted to be doing the job I was doing instead of where she was placed to work & thought that we would of said no if she asked for the switch.
Hearing your story, I think I could have fun with a person like that. I live to mess with peoples heads when they are just in the wrong! Nah your DH would not go for it but here are a couple of ideas. Can you buy some zip lock bags, put lunch into them & allow her to throw that away? Have you tried to write up a weekly schedule of meals? When she chooses to eat out, she could eat out with her friends & pay for her own meals. She works part time right? If not, than maybe allowances?? She will need to learn the value of a dollar.
Yes if you bash her & her ways to her dad, it likely will backfire on you. I suggest you vent here than approach him with your new ideas that you picked up from any of us that you liked. Kinda a win win for you there!
sorry I should of added the
sorry I should of added the allowance topic further. Is she actually working for the money at home? Working & getting paid by parents from my experience is much different from your post explanation. I was paid very little & by the job but only after I completed the given job. They gave me work I hated which motivated me to get a real job & get paid for the kind of work that I was willing to do. For example, I was lucky to receive five dollars when I mowed the lawn. I too had to work to earn my stay which I know was my main allowance. I'm thankful someone taught me to appreciate money where this is concerned. SD could benefit voluntarily working at your local food shelf or a church that gives out food.
haha ungrateful means under worked!
No, she doesn't work or have
No, she doesn't work or have a part time job. She gets $140.00 a month for gas and spending money. I thought by sitting down with her and having a talk about a budget and it is up to her to budget the money she would understand that we are not an open wallet for her every whim. If she needs more money, she would need to earn it. She is agreeable when she wants something and when it comes time to deliver she throws a fit and is very disrespectful. She has her dad wrapped, so all she's needed to do the past couple of months is just ask for more money. She may agree to work for it, then never follows through. Maybe I need to start acting like that to get my way!
I feel for you. I am at the
I feel for you. I am at the same point with my husband and SD16. In the end you just feel sad. When I read one of the comments above "He has a wife. He just can't screw her so he keeps you around for conjugal duties." - boy did that hit home. Please keep us posted on positive progress. I was disengaging well but my SD16 is very clever and her Dad quite frankly is not when it comes to her.
I also love the above comment
I also love the above comment and it's oh so true. And I had a SD16 that was the same way, she now lives with BM and she get's to foot the $320 month gas bill!!!
I dont have a lot to update
I dont have a lot to update everyone on as the big argument with my husband was right before my birthday. I had family in town and a party on Saturday night (last week) so any further discussion has been put on hold. Then my hubby left on Monday to go out of state on business and was gone all week. He left again today to fly to Phoenix. He did speak with SD17 the day after our argument and I wasn't aware until she came to talk with me. She was teary eyed and said she was sorry that she was causing problems, that she wanted to do better, that she knows her Dad and I have different parenting styles, that she doesn't like that I don't want to be around her, that she wants us to start having dinner again as a family... My husband seems to think she and I are the ones with problems and he and I would be just fine if she and I work things out. I plan to talk with him when he gets back to let him know he is mistaken. He is also a part of the problem. For example, by not following through when we compromise on rules for SD (like the $140 budget) or by not saying anything when she has been disrespectful to me.
I've decided to take the advice above and disengage to the point that I do nothing related to SD and have no expectations whatsoever. I will no longer engage in anything to do with her and will no longer speak with my husband about her- no advice, no trying to co-parent, and no more trying to control things that effect me- i.e. clean house and money. In turn, that means we are splitting bills and he and I will be completely separate when it comes to money. If I get no say so, then I want to be solo financially. I also want for us to have the cleaning lady twice per month instead of once. He should pay for one cleaning and I'll pay for one. That way I'm not so resentful over bearing the brunt of the house cleaning while others just trash my work. I don't know if this will work, but it is one thing I haven't tried yet. Hopefully it won't continue to keep me feeling disgusted with my husband which makes me feel less connected to him and not want to be around him (ha, just like how I feel about SD!) As for SD's talk with me, I feel it is just talk. Like in the past, she pretends to be agreeable, but there is no follow through. I no longer put any faith in anything she says to me and the less expectations I have, the better. As for having dinner again as a family, she just wants me to make the dinner for everyone. I did it for hubby today after church since we spent money eating out this weekend and to cook for him before he went out of town. As typical, she texted the entire time. She just wants someone to prepare meals for her again. Not interested. I plan to tell hubby that I will make dinner twice during the week. He needs to volunteer for a day and SD too. I will be talking to him this week after he gets back. Thanks for all of the advice.
You have a great handle on
You have a great handle on your situation. You are ahead of the game. You will do just fine. I wish you luck! I know your situation all too well.
I also have similar issues
I also have similar issues going on in my household. I have a BS who is 12, a BD who is 11 and two SDs who are 17and 18. They do not have jobs despite the fact that my husband and I have discussed this repeatedly with the both of them. They do not pitch in with the household chores with the exception of doing dishes every forth day because each child takes a turn. I love my husband for his easy going nature but at the same time it is causing some problems. We have been arguing for the past three days about the girls lack of motivation when it comes to getting jobs. In my opinion they act like princesses. The don't want to work at a supermarket or in fast food. They also have only applied to a few jobs at best in the past month. I'm disgusted and frustrated and am starting to loose respect for my husband. This has also resulted in a lack of closeness and intimacy lately. I feel sad and angry most of the time as well. I can't understand why it is so hard for him to implement expectations and consequences. I want to see these girls take on some responsibility and have some structure in thier lives but it is not happening.
YES YES YES!!!! I have had
YES YES YES!!!! I have had the same experience. Let me shed some light on this for you. The reason you are becoming more and more resentful of your SD is because your husband doesnt support you. Do you tend to feel worse toward her when your husband defends her? When I realized this was happening in my marriage, my husband changed. He was very afraid of losing his daughter. It took a lot of convincing and talking. Our marriage was in peril over my stepkids. I also have two children of my own. A 13 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. I have ALWAYS made sure that they love my husband and respect him. Even when my children are in the right, I still defend my husband. I allow my kids to talk to me about him, but if it starts getting ugly I take their phones or ipods away for the night. He NEVER does this for me when his kids are mean, but what he finally did do was send them to live with their mother.
My husband has mentioned to
My husband has mentioned to me that he is frustrated with the girls as well and wants to send them to go live with thier mom. However, She parties way too much and even lets the girls drink with her if they want. Sometimes they do and other times they don't, but I just don't want to see them influenced by her. HHHHHMMMM...no one said this would be easy! I just wish my husband would be more assertive with the girls. I think this would help me gain respect and feel closer to him.
This is why I will NEVER live
This is why I will NEVER live or marry my boyfriend as long as his daughter is living with him. She is 16 and "flirts" with her dad too, to the point of showing him her latest shopping excursion - thongs... He acts like he doesn't know what to say except, "that's nice honey." And even asked me if I had thongs. He also has asked me to wear black and blue nail polish like his daughter does. And heels, dress more sexy, etc. I am 50 years old. She is 16. WTF? His ex-wife dressed like that too because she used to wear her daughter's clothes.
His kids are slobs, leave cigarette butts in cups and glasses. Dirty clothes on floor. Dirty dishes everywhere and he is also a slob. Has piles of clean and dirty laundry all mixed together. Gross! He allowed his son to drop out of high school and now he is learning how to fix boats. She is taking remedial classes in 11th grade and is out all night. Too bad that the one man that I fell in love with, who is so kind to me and my kid, is being totally manipulated by his children to the point where he is about to dump me because he doesn't have enough time in his life for a girlfriend.
After reading these posts... maybe it's time for me to move on. I read this on this site, "I met the man of my dreams, and then I met his kids."
TJLO, Thank you for
:O
TJLO,
Thank you for posting/sharing this. I know precisely how you feel. If you reversed the sexes in this story, it would be my household exactly. I get no support when it comes to my SS16 from my wife. She (like your husband) thinks that I am overly strict. She claims that I treat him differently than I do "OUR" children. She gets angry when I tell her that I do for a reason. SS16 is 16 years old; they are six & four years old. If I ask him to do, something SS16 should understand why I want it and simply do it. My little ones easily get distracted and lose focus (like all four & six year olds). My SS16 has had the same list of chores since SS16 was 10-years-old. The reason is that SS16 cannot EVER get these correct and complete.
My wife’s biggest pet peeve is that when I get home from work I walk through the door and greet my younger kids with a sweet greeting and smooches. I greet my SS16 with "Why didn't you [insert a portion of a chore here]?" I explain to her every time. The four & six year-olds do not (yet) have many chores or responsibilities. The SS16 does. After I drive home from work (80-minutes each way), I am greeted by the SS16 the same way every day. SS16 makes no eye contact, no verbal communication unless it is a mumbled response to my greeting, the SS16 leaving the immediate area as soon as possible, and ALWAYS one or more chore not completed. So, when I walk in I always make sure to say "HI [SS16]. How was your day?" SS16 sometimes responds with a mumble "good," or "ok." After that, I am "allowed" to inquire about the chores. I then explain what SS16 missed; SS16 fixes them as fast and half-assed as possible and then retreats to SS16's bedroom or to the basement. SS16 then holes-up there until the sound of dinner. SS16 makes a brief appearance to eat as fast as SS16 can and re-retreat. At dinner, there is no conversation with SS16. If dinner is not to SS16's liking, SS16 will make a pair of sandwiches and eat half-a-bag of barbecue potato chips. We throw a lot of food away; good food, food that most kids would love to eat on a regular basis. SS16 is texture-phobic. SS16 was/is super finicky; would not eat 90% of the family meals, wasted a lot of food. It was not until recently that SS16 began eating BBQ chicken (boneless breast, only) and steak (drenched in ranch dressing). SS16 was almost nine before SS16 ate his first assemble sandwich, and it was a battle. SS16 liked bread with ketchup spread on it, cheese, and bologna ~ on a plate. One day I assembled them together as an actual sandwich. You would have thought that I dished up a stinky dog-turd. Unbeknownst to me a sandwich was a pile of sandwich "fixings" not a real sandwich. After making him sit at the table for over an hour SS16 finally took a bite and loved it. That exact sandwich is a staple in his diet to this day!
Anyway, my marriage is on the rocks, too. During a battle over SS16, she told me that she did not love me anymore. It has been almost two years since we have had sex. About six-months ago, my daughter asked why mom and I never kiss or sit by each other. I told her to "ask mom." In the past few months, we have been friendlier, but never romantic. I have been on eggshells with SS16 and the wife. I do many of his chores, do not mention when SS16 fails to do them (as much) and let him get away with whatever SS16 wants. Like you, I have disengaged. SS16 will be a senior in HS this year and I am hoping that SS16 can go to college afterwards and move-on. I think SS16 needs to go into the military, she thinks otherwise. SS16 tried like hell to fail grades 9 & 10. When I stood strong and refused to let him take driver's training because SS16 was a D-student, mom (actually) stood strong with me. SS16 turned his grades around in grade 11 with all A's and B's, easily. SS16 gets his license on Saturday so we will see how grade 12 goes. SS16 and I speak military since SS16 wants to become a police officer. SS16 and mom speak Michigan State since SS16 tells her that SS16 wants to be a Marine Biologist... Both are delusional in my book.
I have raised this child as my own since SS16 was four years old. His biological dad (BD) has not seen him since SS16 was 8 years old. I found out recently that SS16 has been in contact with him (initiated by my son) via email and Facebook. I told my wife that I want SS16 to go to his BD’s for an extended stay this summer. She said that they had spoken of it and that they were considering over the Fourth of July weekend. I told SS16 yesterday to call his BD to make arrangements. He did not call, but says that he will. He might do it, but if he does, he will wait until the last minute making it impossible for BD or a thorn in the side for me or the wife. We are going 75-miles north for the Fourth of July weekend. The BD lives 125-miles east of our home. SS16 will expect us to take him to BD’s and pick him up. We cannot afford this but my wife will do it for him. I want to look into a Greyhound Bus ticket for him. Is this bad?
Not sure if this post is
Not sure if this post is still being monitored, but if it is then wow - you are living my live (or I am living yours). We live with 18yo SD. Spoiled brat. Only does two things round the house - and only when I absolutely lose my temper and tell her to do it - clean her room and empty the dishwasher. We spend a fortune on her (food, power, phone, bought her a car, university education) and she does nothing in return. Husband does want to be hero, not a dad. I am about to leave as I just cannot do it any more. Hubby expected that she would move in and I would just re-focus my life from him and I to her, him and lastly, me. She wins. I have no time alone with hubby - except for when he wants his conjugal needs sorted. His world now revolves around her. Has anyone actually lived through this with their marriage in place?
Kids...can't live with
Kids...can't live with them,can't kill them !!!!
Potential parents out there....THINK BIRTH CONTROL !!!!!!!