SELFISHNESS
My DH an I have had custody of his son since he was 13, his mother is a drug addict with 4 other children she only has 2 of the 4 with her. When we got SS he had nothing literally. we had to purchase new everything, clothes,underwear, shoes,sock everything! I love the kid and treat him as if he was my own, buying computers, cellphones, psp you name it.I also spent alot time with him when he was younger. He will be 18 in June and my DH found out from my mother in law that SS will be receiving case money of $30k. We had no idea and only found out because his BM stepmother told my mother in law. Well DH calls his BM and ask why he wasn't told when we are taking care of him. She gave some random idiotic excuse (crack kills). So DH talks to my SS about it and he became defensive immediately,like he was asking for his money. Well come to find out the BM told the SS not to tell his father about the money. SS plans on giving his crack head no good mother $10k of his money. This "woman" did nothing for him since we had him, nothing, not birthday, xmas nothing! He was left behind a grade while in her care so he will not graduate until he turns 19. Now this kids plan was to continue to live with us and not tell us about the money,but take care of his mother and allow us to continue to struggle to provide for our family. I don't know what to do, my DH is really hurt. I want the kid gone on his 18th birthday,since he is giving hi mother $10k he should be able to live with her now. It's not about the money but the fact that he planned on lying and deceiving his father and me. He wants to go to college so his father suggested to save the money, he has another year to go and $20k isn't alot of money. I just don't feel right knowing he was going to lie and he really could care less about the home he has been living in for the past five years. The only stable home he has had. I am at the point where I want him gone, he can visit but I don't want him living here anymore. Am I wrong?
What a horrible situation. No
What a horrible situation. No doubt this boy is under the influence of his mom and thinks giving her the money will make her happy. He has no adult concept of all you have sacrificed for him. I do think it would be fair to give him that ultimatum that if he chooses to give his mom his money, then he's on his own because it teaches him the consequences of his actions. Also giving an addict a whack of cash cannot end well and if she needs financial help, then you should at least try to reason with him about how much and how best to do that, given that she's addicted.
I agree with Julies. I can
I agree with Julies. I can imagine how betrayed and hurt you feel but he really is not an adult and he does not fully understand how much you have done for him and how much it has been a struggle for you. It may be a good time once you calm down over this to sit him down and have an adult talk to him about how best to manage that money. Perhaps letting him realise that giving his mother 10K may in fact harm not help her would be an idea, because really he hasn't a clue. She has more than likely told him all sorts of things, and no matter what, children have loyalty to their parents, no matter how rotten the parents are, he may think giving her the money may make her love him. But as I said, I do agree with Julies. Hopefully he will re invest the money for his college education, because given he has this money their is no reason why you guys should have to foot the whole bill while mum gets a free 10K these are things that need to be calmly explained to him. But I do understand why you want to throw him and his stuff out on the spot, it seems like such a betrayal, I suspect it isn't what he is thinking though he is just trying to help mom and he thinks you guys are doing okay, calmly set him straight and good luck.
That really sucks! I agree
That really sucks! I agree with the other two posters, regardless of how badly they have acted the bio parents really do win out ultimately with kids.
I would suggest to him that with his mother's addiction he might very well discover her taking an overdose because she has the money to do it with. Urge him to be cautious in any monies he gives her, do NOT forbid it or throw him out because of it, that can lead to ill feelings and torn emotions that an addict will cash in on big time.
I was a bit upset that SD had given her mother thousands of dollars (ill gotten gains but still real money) when we raised her since she was 11 and, believe me, she almost cost us our house with court fees and child support while she was in two group homes, (The juvenile justice system tried EVERYTHING with SD to no avail)days off work and her 'wants' and needs. I just thought that no good comes of ill gotten gains so we let it ride. SD gets short measure if she asks us for anything now though, her twin brother likewise..he's 'the man' now and they are 18 so have at it kids!
It does break DH's heart but he gets over it each time. It's only money really, no amount of money can make anyone love you any more or less, let him know that he will be 'flavor of the month' with her but she'll end up penniless and you will love him regardless. I think his intentions are good towards her, misguided but good. He did not see her in all her states of being drugged up because you took care of him...let it be a learning curve for him. It's ONLY MONEY!!
Thanks Ladies! The money is
Thanks Ladies! The money is from a lawsuit settlement, when he was 10 he was on a bike with a friend and got hit by a car. I think we may try to talk to him again about it. It's sad because I can see him blowing this money and there will be nothing left for college. His mother could care less if he goes to school or not. Her only concern is herself. She does make us appear as the bad guys because he has rules he must follow and a curfew, he can do whatever he wants at her home (which he just started going to her house this year) Thanks for letting me vent and the good advice. Thank God for this site!
Sounds to me that he is
Sounds to me that he is trying to get his BM to love him at any cost... No person ever wants to accept their bio parent does not have the capacity to love and care for them, let alone would readily prosper at their child's expense. Why? Because to admit that means in some way you are alone,left to your own devices and have failed through some fault of ur own to be worthy of your bio's love. I understand your reasons for being upset and they are legitimate but i think ur taking it personally and its not, just try to get him to understand that money won't make her the mother he wants her to be. Also im guessing he hid it from you because he was ashamed and embarrassed of his desire for her approval, and afraid of offending u because u have provided him such a good life.
It's all he said, she
It's all he said, she said.
Perhaps he promised his mother 10K to get her off his back but has no intention of giving her a cent... why? Maybe he is greedy.
A subtle suggestion to the son asking how he will feel if his DA mother tops herself with money he has given her might be the final push he needs not to give her a cent.
As for the subterfuge.... well, live and learn I always say. Once bitten twice shy.
I don't trust many people... maybe that's why I have problems making friends