Sick of it all
I am in need of advice. I have 2 step children, one is a boy aged 11 whom I get along fine with, and a girl, 14 who for the last year has really made our entire household a living you know what. I have been with their dad for 8 years (married for 3 of the years).
Last weekend she tried to pull a fast one...she calls up on Friday night demanding that she talk to her dad who works midnights and is in bed sleeping. I told her that I was not waking him up and that if it's that important that I would relay a message. She was supposed to be at our house for a weekend visit Sat am but has decided that she wants to go shopping all day with her grandma on her mom's side of the family and come to our house by 5:00 p.m. I told her that I would have her dad call in the a.m. He called her and told her she could not go.
Somehow in the midst of all the crap, her mother calls up my husband and starts ranting and raving how HER daughter can't stand me, blah blah blah. Just for background info..my lovely SD is unbearable to be around every other weekend. She's jealous of anyone spending anytime with HER dad. I have tried to be understanding but other things have come to light. She twists everything I say and goes back to her mom and LIES constantly.
I am totally fed up with the games My husband and I have a child together (she is 7 years old now) and my lovely SD is constantly telling her she's a pain, and that she's not as important because she was born first. I am sick of it. I cringe every other weekend when I know they are coming because we all have to put up with her laziness, her nasty attitude. It sucks. I don't know what to do...
Wish I could help
All I can do is commiserate. I too have a SD14 who treats me and her two BDs (4 and 1) like crap. Last night, BD4 said, "I love you" three times to SD and SD refused to respond. Wouldn't look at her or even acknowledge her. And then BD tells me how nice SD is to her. SD has NEVER been to BD4's birthday party because it's not important to her.
My problem is that SD14 lives with us and only sees BM on weekends. So I have to put up with it ALL the time.
How does your husband feel about her behavior? That will go a long way toward helping you deal with this. If he agrees her behavior is unacceptable, the two of you can address it together. If not, things will continue as they are, unfortunately (that is the situation with us, as husband feels too guilty and wants to be SD's friend too much to be a parent to her).
I know how you feel, if that helps!
I am fortunate that SD
I am fortunate that SD does'nt live with us all the time. I guess what drives me insane is the lying and twisting things when she tells her mother. My husband does'nt like her behavior but it does'nt bug him as much as it does me. He agrees that her behavior is unacceptable but he will only discipline her so much.
I don't feel that she needs to be disciplined all the time but she's allowed to get away with more than the other kids (including her own brother), she's also VERY Very Lazy...it drives me insane.
If you're
sick of being the nice guy could you tell him plainly that his daughter, while she has a bad attitude towards you & your child "lovely SD is constantly telling her she's a pain, and that she's not as important because she was born first" she is not welcomed in your house & he can visit her elsewhere? This could be emotionally damaging to your child.
Can i ask..........
How did you feel about you sd when you first got with your dp?
I think your husband needs to talk to his daughter. I think her behaviour to you is wrong but I think she feels replaced by your daughter you have together. She obviously is going to hate as your stopped her from talking to her dad. To be honest with you I think no matter how your try to be nice to you she always to resent you and your daughter. She feels well has taken my dad away and now you have a daughter together she is thinking well I was his first born remember I was always be daddys girl. I agree it will be very damaging to you daughter and I do think your sd should stop saying that she is a pain etc. I hope it don't affect your daughter as your sd is feeling so pushed out. She obviously wished she lived with her dad or had what your daughter got a mum and dad together. I honestly think this is such a hard situation. Does she demand alot of attention from your dp when she visits. Look really the boy is going to be no problem as he is always going to be daddy's only boy. I bet if the tables were reversed and it was him he would feel replaced by you son together.
I don't know how you felt about her in the beginning if you were jealous of the fact your dp had a daughter from a previous relationship or you both planned having a baby or it was unplanned. Either way I think if you were jealous of her then she is going to have picked up on this and say well now she is pregnant I bet when the baby is born I will be forgotton or pushed out. It might not be the case that your were jealous but maybe your dp should of sat them kids of his down made them both know that no matter what things will not change. To them I must say it does change as you find a new baby gets all the attention and you don't for awhile. So as you got a girl it's harder for the girl I admit. When my step-mum fell pregnant with I was glad that when she said to me she knew the sex of the baby and asked me to guess and I atomatically thought a girl. I saw the disappointment on her face that it was another boy. She had a son from a previous relationship one son with my dad already. So this would make three sons she had not girls. I know she probably accepted me now and she is not going to anymore. In my case she was jealous and must admit when the thought of the baby being a girl nearly killed me. As a sd it so hard to explain but you feel will she be more pretty that me and will daddy love her more that me. I don't live my dad its not fair she going to have a mum and dad living together. My dad going to see her everyday maybe not the case because he works alot but for her she don't see it that way. It really makes you hurt especially when your that age 14. You got through them horrible teenage years when you get interested in boys and when you feel you don't get that attention for myself I looked for that fathers attention in boys.
I must say this may not be the case in your situation. It might be that she gets so much attention and that your being so nice to her. I bet if you said to her oh we took your daughter somewhere like the park or cinema she gets jealous. That she was not there and its hard to hide such things as your daughter most probably tell your sd. All I am saying is ofcourse your not going love her like your daughter or she is going to love you like her mother. Just make her realise that she is not replaced and that they are both daddys girls and their dad not not favor one over the other. Maybe she would like time with her dad by herself. If its possible maybe this could happen that he take her out on his own. Also to talk to her aswell. He needs to do something now before her behaviour results in her saying you now what let me not care if I see dad or not. Then your find she goes out with her friends alot and starts hanging with boys and stuff. The last thing you don't want her ending up pregnant and then her saying well at least now I got something to love me. Or a baby to love me back. Even a bf if she gets one she will feel like she don't need her dad at all.
Talk to your husband asap.
I've never been jealous of
I've never been jealous of sd, things were going fine until the past 6 months or more. I did talk to my husband today and he agrees that her attitude will not be accepted around here. I am thankful that he sees things that way but it still is hard. In the past 6 months she has become more self-centered and if I make her do anything she twists the entire story when she talks to her bm and those two make me out to be the bad person every time.
I am trying to understand that she is 14 years old but it's hard when every other weekend that she is here things are tense, even my husband is tense about his daughter visiting because there's always some kind of drama with her...
Thanks for the advice though, it is nice to hear from someone who has been in the position of sd...
This is really good advice!
It's a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of deal. Act like it doesn't get to you, try hard to not let it get to you, and eventually it will stop getting to you. I wouldn't even aknowledge anything that happens between BM and SD. You simply cannot give them the power to control your emotions like this. I think a lot of us stepmoms get lied about. It makes you insanely angry and it really hurts, too, because we know the score. But the thing is, you cannot let it get you and keep you angry. YOU know the truth. Your DH knows the truth. That's all that matters. Like Mustang1 said, let them stew in their own juices, if that's what they want to do. Nothing they think can affect you UNLESS YOU LET IT.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
hope its sorted soon
It sounds to me she has serious issues and it needs to be sorted soon. I personally think she is lashing out for some reason and ofcourse whatever she tells her mother she is going to believe her. Counselling maybe the answer before she gets so out of control.
For me at 12 I had issues at school and bullying at school. My step-mum was not nice to me at all. I had lots going on and had a breakdown. I ended up in a childrens home for 2 weeks and then my dad took me out and was seeing a counselling. I understand it could have been a number of things thats why I broke down but ofcourse my main issue was my step-mother.
I know in your case its not you at all and in my case even though I am 25 their are still a few issues but its also my dads fault. This is what I have learnt and realise why sometimes she is the way she is.On the other hand if my dad and her had a baby girl as I said before I most probably at that age would of been worse.
FOR SICK OF IT ALL
Boy can I relate!!! I had to finally do something drastic and life is soooo much better. MY BF's daughter's are the most rude inconsiderate human being's I've ever come across in my 42 years. My BF has decided to not ever say "boo" to his two daughters 15 & 18 yrs. old even when their behavior is so bad to me and my son. This is the only thing we ever argue about and during a recent counceling session I finally made a decision! It was drastic! I told him that his daughters would no longer be welcome at the home we share (they live with BM) and that I would no longer invite them on vacations or anything else for that fact! I have been dealing with their unbeliveable disrepectful behavior for over 8 years now and I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Why have them over or go on trips when all they do is treat me and my son consistantly in the same horrible manner and ruin any time spent together. Since my BF will not correct or address their behavior and makes excuses for them, I told my BF if he didn't agree he could move out! So far he has not had them over and life is SO MUCH BETTER! I told him that my son and I could no longer take THEIR ABUSE! I have done everything to be kind and patience with them for years but it is only getting worse. I just can't take it anymore! My BF was extremely upset and told me that two wrongs don't make a right. I told him that I felt I had to protect my son and my sanity! He tried to make me feel bad. I told him I wouldn't allow him or anyone else to turn this around on me. What I've come to realize is that old saying "we teach others how to treat us" is so TRUE! I've allowed these two to control and destroy and hurt me and my son for years. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with my BF but whatever happens I know that I did what was in MY AND MY SON'S BEST INTEREST!
DA
Never marry a person with kids
I've learned my lesson. I married a man with one teenage daughter. She was 13 when we married and life was hell.
SD's mom was an alcoholic throughout most of SD's life. SD's mom was arrested over and over again for domestic violence against my husband and finally was court ordered to move out of her own house.
After my husband and SD's mother divorced, SD and her father moved out of their home state and eventually we met and married.
Following SD's parent's divorce, SD's mom almost never had contact with SD. She rarely called, sent cards sporadically, never paid child support and never arranged to see SD.
SD turned into a giant monster. Her father felt guilty about the divorce and allowed her to get away with murder. She could go out on school nights, did not have to do chores, did not have to get involved in any extra curricular activities, could be friends with whoever she wanted and do whatever she wanted. I cooked, cleaned, took care of her when she was sick, helped with the homework, bought all the Christmas, birthday presents, did the school shopping, the driving to school, meeting with the teachers, all the mom duties. I voiced my opinion that she should not be allowed the enormous freedoms she had, and wanted her to contribute to the house by doing the simple task of cleaning up after herself and generally helping around the house. I was told to mind my own business because I was "not" her mother.
The girl lied, manipulated, and pitted us against each other. Her father took SD's side each time. Eventually, I decided to butt out and let my husband handle "his " daughter.
Guess what happened. She dropped out of school at the age of 16. She became a methamphetamine addict. My husband sent her to rehab (cost a lot) she came out of rehab, got her GED, enrolled in college (cost a lot more money) dropped out of college and is now a heroin addict who married her ex-con drug dealer. Of course before she finally moved out of our house for good at the age of 22, she put us through hell, she was arrested three times, once for beating her father, once foe beating me. She went through costly rehab twice, neither rehab worked. She cost us tens of thousands of dollars, lots of heartache and now she has no contact with her father whatso ever.
My husband and I divorced. I got the blame for how the little angel turned out. Apparently I didn't do enough as her stepmother. I learned a valuable lesson. I will never marry another man with children. It was not worth the aggravation, the time, the money and the heartache.
I am much happier now.
Get out now....it only gets worse.