SS trashed house
My SS (19) gained access to our house while we were out of town and threw a party. SS does not live with us and did but have permission to be in the house. Along with damage, things were stolen from the house. Monday, when we discovered the damages, DH contacted SS. SS admitted to the party and aged to come over after school to clean and repair damages. SS is on probation for vandalism and for posession, so, even thigh I did not agree to stalling, DH gave SS 24 his to locate the stolen items before we call the police. SS did not show up to clean on Monday, and did not call DH at all. DH tried to call, and SS would not pick up. DH's ex called to say SS had a 105° fever and would not be coming over. My position is that he shouldn't be given any special privledges. He did this, sick or not, he needs to be here. We also surpassed the 24 hour deadline to call the police, and when I went to call, DH stopped me. DH told me I'm not giving SS a chance, and if I call, DH will get a divorce. I'm shocked. We have had a solid relationship, and always agreed on parenting. I think he is enabling SS's problems. I am also upset because my DS and DD (7 and 5) are now afraid of the house. They are to little to understand that the teens would not break in and hurt us. And 3 days later, my house is still a mess. I don't think I should have to clean it up, but I'm about to give in. Any advice? I have lost respect for SS, and Niue I'm losing respect for DH.
Do you have any relatives
Do you have any relatives that you could stay with for a few days and not interrupt your younger children's routines too much. That's what I would do, pack a few things and leave and let your DH know that you will be back when the house is in order again but you refuse to let your kids live in anxiety in the meantime. Give him a time limit on having any of your stuff replaced as well. He will only continue to enable if you give in. Please don't give in!
I know a divorce may not be
I know a divorce may not be what you want, but this is a safety issue! Call the police, and if DH can't deal with it, oh well. I wouldn't want to stay married anyway to someone who would put keeping their problem child out of jail before the safety of me and any other children in the home!
I would take my kids and
I would take my kids and leave the house and not return until DH had dealt with the situation even if I had to stay at a hotel. If you don't let him know that you mean business this will happen again.
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the feedback. I agree, I think I will pack up some things and go stay with my mom. I will give DH a deadline to clean up.
I should call the cops. I shouldn't let the worry of ealing with divorce and finding a new hinge scare me. It does, though. But bottomline is that my children are being punished and I won't have that. They deserve protecting, not the kid who is on the fast road to nowhere.
Glad to hear. Obviously you
Glad to hear. Obviously you don't want to jump to divorce and I fully understand that, but a marriage with ultimatums is not a healthy marriage. In your OP you seemed surprised by this, so it may have been an emotional over-reaction on your DH's part, but leaving for a few days shows that you will not play that game and if the ultimatum stuff continues, I would consider some counseling.
Good for you for making the right choice by your kids. Stay strong!
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the advice. I am focusing on my kids. I read through the disengaging discussions on here, and that helped, too. DH is falling down emotionally. He is starting to shut out not only me, but also his family. My kids deserve more now, so DH can wallow in his self pity alone. His mom has tried talking to him, his step mom, but he only listens until BM gets involved and defends SS. Apparently in her world, drugs, drinking and crime are ok.
Definitely, call the police
Definitely, call the police and/or get out of that house with your little people. How dare DH threaten to divorce you over his piece of garbage son. You do not have to tolerate any of this crap. It's your home, which should be your sanctuary! Get cleaners in to sort the house out and get DH to pay for it. Good luck.
I vote for calling the cops,
I vote for calling the cops, but with this caveat.
Call the cops NEXT time it happens.
When people wait 2 days, 3 days, 1 week, 1 month, whatever, to report incidents like these, don't expect the police to take your case seriously. If the RP (reporting party) of the crime didn't take the incident seriously enough to call immediately, and it's a domestic-related situation, police know the cooperation (or should I say lack of cooperation) from one (or both) of the RP-family members pretty much guarantees the case cannot be followed up on, cannot be properly investigated and likely won't result in charging. Why? Because the reporting party isn't 100% committed to holding the suspect (SS) accountable.
And what actually does happen if the crime IS reported, 2 days, 3 days, 1 week later? The stolen property is long gone, the damage is altered/repaired, the suspect is protected by family members, and no one will assist the police with follow up. And what happens then? The suspect (SS) learns this:
The cops can't do anything. I will get away with this again. Bwahahahaha
Don't waste you time on this incident.
Get DH on board. Call next time. Immediately. And follow through like you mean it.
So here's the update. DH
So here's the update. DH agreed this morning that we need to file a police report. More things turned up missing. I waited for DH to get home, but he changed his mind again. He started in on giving SS time, etc. I said we need to stick by our rules. He said if I call, he would leave. I went outside, locked myself in the car, and called. After the officer left, DH packed his suitcase, told me he was filing for divorce, and tried to leave. The idiot that I am, I cried and tried to stop him. He left anyway. I can't believe this is the man I've stood beside for 3 years.
The easy thing isn't always
The easy thing isn't always right and the right thing isn't always easy.
Sorry he is being an ass. I hope if he decides to return (and if you haven't changed your mind about wanting to be married to him by that time), that you are adamant about going to marital counseling. His enabling ways should not be grounds for him to seek a divorce. If so, you might have to come to grips with the fact that your marriage wasn't what you thought it was and your "D"H was wearing a mask the entire time.
Hugs and stay strong. Hold
Hugs and stay strong. Hold onto your cards…no more begging (easier said than done). Punkin_punkin is right! You should have been the one telling him to get out. I feel bad that he does not hold you and your bios in as high regard as he does his delinquent, good-for nothing young adult son! HANG ON! But do NOT grovel!!!!!! If you do, it will be worse the next time, and the next time, and the next time. Stand your ground.
You owe it your young
You owe it your young children to provide a safe and comfortable home. If your OH cant see that his son is damaging that as well as himself, then he really isnt worth having around for your children.
I can relate to you on this to a degree, my SS17 destroyed my home and he had permission to be there! And lied, said the damage wasnt caused by him.
He also needs to get that as he is putting HIS kids first, you will put yours first, and by god your kids are the actual kids, they need putting first more than the screw up ss does!
I know its hard, but maybe your OH will calm down and see that you have done the right thing, for all involved