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Step daughter issues

Springerlove's picture

Hi everyone, new to this site and I'm so relieved I finally found somewhere to turn to.

To cut a long story very short, my step daughter came to live with us for about 4 weeks last summer. We didn't have a relationship/much contact with her before this but she reached out claiming all of these dreadful things and that she had nowhere to go. We had to introduce her to our smal children which was a big deal, and I genuinely thought this was a clean start. How wrong was I. We ended up sending her back to her boyfriends parents after having taken us for total mugs, lying through her teeth to our faces. Odd behaviour with our children.

My son wouldn't go near her. It sounds silly but even one of my dogs who is everyone's friend took a dislike to her. My mum and my mother in law told us something was wrong before she moved in. My mother in law thought we were mad doing what we were to help her. Everyone seemed to see except us!!  

My husband has made it clear to her on numerous occasions that we can have no part of her life, but he keeps checking in that she's ok.. he's sending mixed messages to her which is why he keeps having to explain that we still can't have a part of her life. We can't have her anywhere near our children. 

She's pregnant now and due any day, her aim in life ever since she was about 10 has only ever been to have a baby and live off the benefits system so she's over the moon! 
We're obviously not impressed, she's in no fit state to be a parent and I know she'll come back knocking on our door when she needs something.  
 

Im worried sick she's going to eventually tear our family apart, she's my husbands daughter and I know with your own children it's easy to forgive them. My husband especially is quick to forget things. I certainly will not. She walked into our home as a stranger and turned everything upside down, I will never trust her again. 
 

My mum has a step daughter, and she causes no end of misery for my mum and step dad. They tiptoe around her there's not a day goes by that she's not said or done something spiteful. I can't face a future like that.  My husband and I have two children together and I'm pregnant with our third and final baby. I feel like I'm going to be trapped in a life with this dreadful person in it because I love my husband and don't want to split my family up. 
 

Thank you for the space to rant. 

Winterglow's picture

We can't have her anywhere near our children"

Could you expand on that?

I was struck by the fact that your MIL, SD's own grandmother thought you were making a mistake when you took her in ...

Kes's picture

I don't really have any advice for you, but read around here and you will find loads of stories and support.  I have an SD a bit like yours, she's 26, still lives with her mother, up until a couple of weeks ago on benefits, and they all love to indulge in the "drama cycle" which we regularly get dragged into despite having moved house, further away, last summer. 

How old is your SD? old enough to have a baby, evidently! 

JRI's picture

My SD59 has been moving in and out of here for almost 50 years, always causing chaos and trouble.  Like you, my DH is one to "forgive and forget" and he will never abandon her.  I understand and love him for being a caring person.  But for my own sanity and well-being, I've had to erect barriers against her while acknowledging that she will be in my life.  Minimal contact with her, grayrocking her, separate finances from DH, limited access to our home, etc.

I hope you will think about barriers you can erect to safeguard yourself and bios while realizing that SD will be in your life as long as your DH lives.  And, yes, you can expect calls to Daddy when the pressures of being a new parent become clear.  Good luck, it's a long, bumpy ride.

Guilfoyle's picture

I read up the part where she came as she had no where else to go. There is a reason that she had no where else to go.

sorry to hear

Mdm.frustrated's picture

I recently found this forum as well. I've read several posts and responses on the site. I think you'll be relieved to know that you're not alone. 
i understand a parent's commitment to their child and to never give up. The difference with your situation is that you have small children in the home. You have a legal responsibility to protect them from harm. That trumps messed up older SD. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You have to do what is right for you and your children. My OSD is a toxic, narcissistic nightmare. Same in that my SOs parents have disowned her. I drew a line in the sand with my SO that OSD is never allowed in my home, around me, my child or family.

That being said he is welcome to have whatever ever relationship he wants with her outside my home. I don't ask any questions or involve myself. 

Loxy's picture

Where is BM in this scenario? I think you need to sit down with DH and work out a clear path ahead as he is giving SD mixed messages. Get DH to agree that she never enters your house again and no money will ever be given to her without your permission as you can be sure she will be asking for one or both once the pressures of single parenthood hit.