Teenagers and Material Objects..... What are we fighting for!
So part of this goes back to me and DH's major blowout last weekend (I need to go unpack my suitcase but it was about that bad) I bore the brunt of his frustration with all the fighting, anxiety, and etc in this house, it ended with us in front of a counselor.
I just don't understand anymore. Last week an entire family in panic starting with a cereal bowl and a snotty note. Today, 3 people's days ruined because of a simple "could you choose one lunch box and put the rest on the shelf downstairs" directed at a 17 year old by her father. The conversation went to "why, then i have to go to a cold basement to get a lunchbox (one would still be upstairs)" You guys keep your stuff everywhere (and we create things that feed a whole family with them...) and then a complete lack of action.
I know that:
1. There's obviously a bigger issue of some sort here. It can't be wanting things the way they were... her mother wouldn't have tolerated losing a closet to a couple of lunchbox fashionistas...but why are my days and weeks exploding because of stupid little lunchboxes and cereal bowls?
2. DH is trying, he's reading, he's exercising, and he's trying. I don't want to get rid of their things, we're not asking that. I simply want to stop drowning in lunchboxes everytime I open the closet... I think that's reasonable! DH does too. I don't get why it was even a fight. We're leaving you space for one upstairs, take the others downstairs... not asking you to get rid of them, not asking you to not keep any here... just asking you to pair down!!! WHY ARE WE FIGHTING!
We have appts with counselors and proffessionals lined up... only for me and DH right now. Sometimes I wonder why you wait for a counselor... The waiting game is filled with uncertainty...
I think it is a control
I think it is a control issue. If I remember correctly, your dh made some major changes and is trying to exert more control and demand more respect. They're pushing back any way they can. they don't like the upset in the balance of power that they once enjoyed. I think going to counseling is a good idea, but I wouldn't cave simply because there is tension. The transition is inevitable and the only way to get through it is to be consistent and not let dh backslide and show them that he is still willing to negotiate on rules.
As for "You guys keep your stuff everywhere..." - you guys pay the mortgage, end of discussion.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Yeah me and DH had a big
Yeah me and DH had a big blow up. He basically came home and said he was gonna raise his kids the way he wanted to raise them and life was perfect before he started parenting. Needless to say the following discussion went poorly my bags were packed and I was ready to hop a train to my parent's house when he got in touch with a minister to see us. Thing is... he did that because he a. took some AWESOME advice from all the wrong people and b. was frustrated with the constate state of disarray here. So the priest told him he was wrong, he needed to step up and be a father, and he's been regretting our blowup hardcore. I'll admit I'm still hurt... huge breach of trust. I'm one who will deal with small tidbits better than a big chunk, if you drop a bomb.. I run. I was really ready to go on that one. I thought things were open and they weren't. So we're in for continued couples therapy and hopefully soem good skills, but it doesn't change that the kids won't let us have a peaceful week!
I need to remind DH about staying consistant. He's starting to read some books but its like the more progress we make, the more things happen to slow progress down. We're busy fighting with the kids not reading our self help books. Maybe I need super-nanny?
I do the knee jerk leave
I do the knee jerk leave thing too. You almost have to, otherwise he'd just go back to being disneydad, they'd be happy, he'd be at peace and you'd be miserable. Why stay?
Glad the priest was able to help. It will be much harder if he gives in because they'll know they won. I wouldn't deal with the lack of peace. First time they start whining (they're teenagers for pete's sake), tell them to please go to their rooms because you are not allowing them to ruin your day and the discussion is over, as it is not a negotiation. Much easier when the kids are smaller, which is your dh's fault and now he has to deal with it being much harder.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I hate that "You do X so I
I hate that "You do X so I should be able to also" line of reasoning. DH would fall for it every time! If I asked SD to keep her bed linens in her closet (rather than the hall closet, which was very small and reserved for towels), SD would wig out and complain that there was a pillowcase for our bed in that closet so she should be able to keep ALL her bedding in there. And DH would agree! Aargh! Stick to your guns. She's pushing back to see how much she can get away with.
I'm so glad someone else can
I'm so glad someone else can relate! Part of it is them clinging to material objects to hang on to the past... which is fine, just keep it out of my way! DH doesn't fall for it, I think sometimes he's so awestruck by what was just said he doesn't know what to do! I agree... these kids say things I would never have DREAMT of saying to Mum and Dad!
Well, hell - I actually
Well, hell - I actually agree with this one.
I would say, give everyone one lunchbox only and get rid of the rest. That way, that little power struggle is gone.
I completely understand what you are going through, and I know it's not just in regard to lunchboxes. My own son is the one who pushes me the most. He DEMANDS respect and he won't give it if he doesn't think he's getting it. Well, little man, until you start paying the mortgage, this is my house, and you will do what I say, you will put things where I tell you to put them . . . it's a constant battle every single day.
Good thing your DH is starting to see it and really try.
~~Sigh~~
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!